Study of the Heart
by teresa
Summary: In an effort to become a better friend, Sai undertakes a study of love, not really understanding how difficult it could be, and how surprising.
1. Chapter 1

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 1

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"Shit!" Sakura suddenly stopped, and Sai immediately caught hold of the branch he'd just been about to leap off of so that he didn't run into her. "I can't believe I left _that_!" she turned around and began heading back for the training grounds.

"What is it?" Sai pivoted and followed her almost at once, and she glanced over as he caught up, flashing a small smile to assure nothing was seriously wrong.

"Oh, I just forgot my medical pack." She told him, rolling her eyes at her own absentmindedness. "It wouldn't be a big deal, but I need to go to the hospital right after dinner, and I needed to refill a few things. Plus I don't really want to just leave it out all—" she stopped suddenly, and Sai, his reflexes quick as always, stopped as well, immediately thinking something was wrong. Sakura was pale, all of the sudden, and Sai was about to ask if she felt well, when he glanced in the direction she was staring, which was the training grounds they had just left. He spotted her medical pack right away, and was about to simply leap down and get it so they could proceed to the ramen stand Naruto had insisted they all go to, when he saw that their other two team members, Naruto, and the very recently returned Sasuke, were still in the clearing, and they did not seem to be training. Curious, Sai craned his neck to get a better view of whatever it was they were doing…it looked like they were having a very intense discussion, and they were _awfully _close, and it was a bit odd that Sasuke seemed to be holding Naruto's cheek, and then suddenly, they moved, and Sai's head tilted at the sudden unexpected sight of the two young men kissing.

"Sakura," he turned to her, his voice low, "do you want me to get your pack? I am not sure if it would be rude for me to interrupt them. Although…they seem rather involved. They might not notice me. I can be quiet, if you like."

Sakura was still staring, aghast, at the pair, watching as Naruto's arms snaked around Sasuke's neck, and they continued kissing. Sai waited patiently for an answer, but Sakura just made an odd choking noise before turning and fleeing from the scene as fast as he had ever seen her move. Sai frowned and looked down at the pack. Well, that was silly. She'd come back for it and then forgotten to even take it with her. Then he suddenly remembered almost a year ago, when that young ninja had used his Sexy no Jutsu modification to befuddle Sakura by making it look like Sasuke and him were about to do things like what Sasuke and Naruto were doing right now. Although he seemed to recall that in that jutsu they had been naked, and those two still had all their clothes on, but it seemed that it worked rather well, since it had still completely confused Sakura.

Convinced that it was all a jutsu, after all, Sai hopped down into the training grounds and strolled over to retrieve the pack Sakura had left behind. He stopped when he saw a swift movement and turned to see that the two young men were no longer kissing, and were both staring at him in obvious surprise and embarrassment.

"Oh, I see," Sai blinked at the intriguing shade of crimson seeping over Naruto's cheeks. "It was real, after all. Sorry to interrupt, but Sakura forgot this," he indicated the pack he was holding, "were we still going to get ramen? Because it seems that you two were distracted." Naruto and Sasuke exchanged a glance and then both looked back at him warily.

"You saw us?" Sasuke asked, clearly not sure whether Sai understood the situation or not.

"You mean did I see you kissing? Yes, several times." Sai nodded, slightly put out that they weren't answering _his_ question.

"Sai, please, you can't tell anyone." Naruto blurted out. "We're going to tell our friends, eventually, but it's just that we just…and some of them…"

"We haven't told anyone yet," Sasuke took over, "and when it gets out that I have no plans to revive my clan, it could upset the Council. Also, we don't really know how Ino or Sakura will take it, since…"

"They wanted to help you revive the clan," Sai surprised them both by connecting the points of the conversation. He'd been on the team for over a year, and while Sakura had very sweetly told him that he had mastered the art of being a friend, there were still a lot of social situations that he didn't seem to fully understand. He certainly had not mastered the art of subtlety.

"Exactly," Naruto responded. "Sakura especially, she's on our team, and we wanted to tell her first, but we haven't thought of how to do it so that she won't get upset or have her heart broken or anything."

"Oh, _I see_!" Sai rubbed his chin in interest. "That's why she ran away without getting her bag. I thought it was a distraction jutsu, but it turns out that her heart is broken. Interesting, I had read that could be very upsetting, indeed. No wonder her face looked so odd. I've never even seen that expression before, and I had thought it was surprise, but I suppose there must have been some heart break in there as well. I'll have to remember it…I wonder if she'll make the face again…"

"What…are you saying?" Naruto's voice cracked slightly, and he moved forward, reaching out so his fingertips brushed over Sai's shoulder. "Sakura…does Sakura, did she…did she see?"

"Of course she did," Sai answered calmly. "Do you think she sent me to retrieve her things? No, she turned back for them herself. I was simply there when she saw you two and ran away without picking this up. I've never seen two men kiss before, you know. Although Naruto barely has enough of a dick for him to count, but it was interesting. Is that normal? I don't really remember reading about it, but I've never investigated intimate relationships. I was focusing on friendship first."

"What? Why are you asking all these questions!?" Naruto cried out, and Sasuke moved forward, clearly intent on calming him down. "Sakura knows! She _knows_, Sasuke! What are we going to do? I didn't ever mean for her to find out like _that!_"

"I know, it's okay," Sasuke pulled him into a hug and rubbed Naruto's back soothingly. "I know this isn't what you wanted, but she's been our friend for years. We just need to explain everything, and eventually."

"If you didn't want her to find out," Sai opined without anyone's prompting, "perhaps you shouldn't have gone around kissing in easily visible venues."

"Sai, seriously, would you shut up." Sasuke shot the paler ninja a glare, and Sai's eyes widened slightly, wondering where he had gone wrong in this conversation. "Can't you see this is serious?"

"I was only offering advice." Sai told them. "No need to be mad at me, I wasn't the one kissing Naruto in the middle of the training grounds."

"Sai, please," Naruto looked up, seeming irate, "there's no way you can understand. You've never been in love, and I doubt you ever will be. You can barely maintain friendship, you'd be lost if you tried to understand this." He moved a hand to indicate Sasuke and himself.

"Sakura said that I've mastered friendship." Sai countered, feeling slightly put out that they were taking their upset out on him.

"Clearly you haven't, or you'd be a little more worried about Sakura!" Naruto shot back. "She's just had her heart broken. I know you can't fathom what that's like, but it's the worst pain…the worst that you can feel."

"Worse than when she attacks with her Shannaro?" Sai questioned, narrowing his eyes, and Naruto snorted before rushing past him. Sasuke moved to follow but as he passed Sai, he paused.

"Even I can see when I'm hurting people," he told Sai, "what's wrong with you?"

"But," Sai spoke to the air in the suddenly empty training grounds. "You two are the ones that hurt her…"

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"Sakura! Open the door, come on!" Naruto pounded on the door, worried and angry all at the same time. "I want to talk to you, come on!"

"Hey," Sasuke had taken a bit more leisurely pace to try and talk to Sakura, possibly hoping the discussion would be over. "Not going so well?"

"She won't even answer the door!" Naruto complained, and just as he said it, the door swung open, but it wasn't Sakura who was on the other side, it was her mother, and she didn't look happy.

"Boys." She said shortly by way of greeting. "Do you mind not waking up everyone on this block?"

"Haruno-san!" Naruto turned to her with pleading in his eyes. "Please, we need to speak to Sakura, it's very important."

"Sakura told me she wasn't in the mood to see anyone." She answered, narrowing her eyes. "Especially you two. Would you care to explain what happened?"

"That's why we're here." Sasuke knew very well that Sakura's parents did not want anything to do with Naruto, so he felt he might do a little better. "If you'd let us in, we'd be able to put an end to this."

"Please, we're her teammates!" Naruto pleaded as she looked at them both with consideration. "We'd never do something to purposefully hurt her."

"Like when he left for three years?" she tilted her head towards Sasuke. "Boys, I don't know what you've done this time, but you'll have to wait until she wants to see you." And she slammed the door shut.

"That didn't go very well." Naruto grumped, but when he turned, Sasuke was no longer behind him. Looking around wildly, he finally spotted Sasuke on a window ledge above him.

"Come on, this is her room, right?" Sasuke beckoned, and Naruto joined him before both climbed inside the overwhelmingly pink bedroom. "Sometimes…it's like Sakura is the youngest of all of us."

"Because of the pink?" Naruto asked. "Or because she lives with her parents?"

"Parents," Sasuke gave a harsh laugh. "Like the rest of us have that option."

"Well…she isn't here," Naruto stated, just as the door opened and closed, admitting the pink-haired kunoichi who took one look at them and attempted to leave the room again. Sasuke pounced, putting her in a hold to prevent this all dragging on any longer. "Sakura! Please, we just want to talk to you!"

"Calm down, dammit." Sasuke hissed as she attempted to escape his hold and after a moment, her struggles ceased, her face scrunched up, and she burst into noisy tears. Sasuke let go of her as though he'd been burned, but Naruto rushed forward to hug her.

"Sakura, please, we never meant for it to be like that." He assured her as she cried into his shoulder. "We were going to tell you."

"Naruto and I are lovers now." Sasuke cut in brusquely, and Naruto gave him a stern look.

"I feel…like s-such a f-f-fool…" she pulled back, sniffling and wiping her eyes. "I always…th-thought Sasuke and I m-might…"

"I'm gay, sorry." Sasuke managed to sound very unconcerned and not at all apologetic as he spoke tersely.

"Sasuke, you aren't helping," Naruto turned an angry glare on the other man, and he subsided, sitting quietly on a pink chair. "Sakura," he turned gently back to his friend. "When this started…between us, I was just as surprised as you were. I always thought that I was in love with you, and to think that he could make me feel…we knew it would be hard. Just another reason for the villagers to dislike me, and another way for Sasuke to piss off the council. They won't be happy to know that this is the end of the Sharingan." Naruto turned a warm look at the other man and then looked back at Sakura. "But I love him, Sakura. I really do, and I'm happy. And he loves me, too, and we're willing to sacrifice a lot to be together, but please," he hugged her tightly. "Don't force us to sacrifice you. I love you like a sister, and I want us to always be close. Please."

"Naruto," she sighed and let her eyes close, let herself enjoy the warmth of his feelings. "I know you care about me, and I know it must have been hard to decide to follow your heart if it meant breaking mine. But it's going to take some time before I can…really be happy for you two. I want to be. You're two of my best friends, my teammates, and I want you to be happy. I just need to…learn to let go of old dreams."

"Sakura," Naruto had tears on his cheeks as he squeezed her again before letting her go. "I knew you'd understand. We'll give you all the time you need. We always meant for you to know first, so we won't even tell anyone else until you're ready." Sakura understood what he meant by that. They wouldn't kiss or hold hands or do anything obvious in public, since it was still a secret. But she would know…

"Thanks," she kissed his cheek, and Naruto flushed, and she knew that he did love her, and that she loved him in a very similar way. Even after this, she would forgive him. After all, Sasuke had never belonged to her. She glanced over at the brooding man on her pink chair and smiled sadly. He was no good at saying what needed to be heard, but he had meant his apology. These two truly were her best friends. Saying her goodbyes, she ushered them both out the window and as she did, she noticed a familiar figure approaching her door and turned to head downstairs.

"Ah, Haruno-san." Sai spoke respectfully and gave a small inclination of his head as Sakura's mother opened the door. "I am here to see Sakura."

"She isn't seeing anyone just now, I'm sorry." She smiled warmly at Sai, knowing that whatever Naruto and Sasuke had done, he hadn't upset her daughter.

"Mom!" Sakura came out of nowhere and pushed up beside her mother. "Hey, Sai!"

"Ah…Sakura," Sai tilted his head to one side with curiosity. "Have you been crying?" There was a long, awkward silence, and Sai seemed to sense he had something wrong, so he flushed lightly and hefted the bag up. "Here is you pack. You left without it."

"Oh," she flushed and took it. "Thanks for grabbing it for me. I'll need to go in to the hospital pretty soon." Sai looked at her thoughtfully, and Sasuke's words came back to him. He had an odd twisting in his stomach that may have been guilt at the thought that he had inadvertently made things worse for his friend.

"I can escort you, if you like." Sai offered, knowing that Sakura appreciated gestures like that, and she beamed at him.

"Yes, thanks. I just need to get cleaned up." She turned around and headed back upstairs to splash cold water on her face so that it wouldn't look like she had been crying. Sai waited for her, turning a forced smile to her mother, who smiled back at him immediately.

"How are you getting along with the rest of the team?" She asked him. "It must be hard, being the newest member."

"Yes, but I've been with them now for almost a year." Sai assured her. "Naruto and Sakura, that is. They have both taught me a lot, and I continue to learn from them every day." He was about to mention what he had seen that day, when he recalled that it was supposed to be a secret, and stopped himself, feeling rather pleased at his ability to keep secrets for his friends. Being a ninja, that was one of the easiest lessons for him to master, although it could be hard to tell what was meant to be a secret sometimes, but this time…

"Okay, let's go!" Sakura's smile was so obviously fake, for the first time Sai understood what she meant when she told him to not bother with a smile he didn't feel. It looked…wrong, somehow, and it made him feel at odds. "Bye, mom!" she kissed her mother on the cheek and then hurried Sai out of the house. "Sorry, I just don't trust you alone with my mother."

"Sakura, you know I don't take private missions from Roots anymore." He assured her after taking a moment to process what she'd said. "And in any case, I disobeyed orders when I was told to assassinate Sasuke-kun for Naruto's sake. I would certainly spare your mother as well." She stopped mid-step and turned to him, a look of momentary shock melting into an explosion of semi-hysterical laughter.

"That's not what I meant at all," Sakura told him when she recovered, patting him on the shoulder as they both continued walking toward the hospital. "But thanks, I needed a good laugh."

"I didn't mean to joke," Sai answered readily, still not sure what had just happened. "But I'm glad that you can show me a true smile." She gasped and looked at him in surprise before letting a sad smile tilt her lips upward.

"You see," she spoke softly, "how a fake smile means nothing to your friends, except that you're hurting inside."

"Sasuke-kun said that I hurt you today," he told her what had been bothering him most. "I apologize, if I did."

"No," her smile faded away, her face becoming wistful, despairing. "No, I've done this to myself. You had no part in it, Sai." She turned to him and shook her head sadly. "I try to teach you about people, how to see their emotions, how to understand your friends…it turns out two of my best friends…I had no idea. I'm not the sort of person to be teaching you anything about that."

"I would never have guessed that those two were a couple." Sai assured her. "I didn't even know that men would do those sorts of things together. I believe it may be time that I start researching love and intimacy. I am sure you know much more about it than I do, Sakura. How many boyfriends have you had already?"

"I…well…" she flushed deeply. "I haven't really had time to date, since I work so hard as a ninja and as Tsunade-sama's apprentice."

"I see," Sai nodded sharply. "You wanted Sasuke-kun as your first boyfriend, but instead, he chose to be with Naruto. No wonder you're so upset. I think I'm beginning to understand all of this. But then…wouldn't you feel better if you simply chose another person to date?"

"Sai," Sakura sighed heavily. "You don't understand love at all if you think it's that simple. You can't just _choose_ who you fall in love with and when. It just happens. It can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and the most painful. And it isn't something you can research and just understand."

"What?" Sai tilted his head in surprise. "Are there not any books about it?"

"It's not that," she shook her head, "it's just that you can't really ever understand it until you've been in love yourself." She stopped, as they had reached the hospital doors. "Thanks for walking me. See you later." She went inside, seeming rather dejected and tired. Sai stared after her thoughtfully for some time before he finally turned and went back home for the night.

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To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 2

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"Hello, Sai!" Ino's voice caused him to look up from the book he was deeply immersed in, and he blinked at her in surprise.

"I've never seen you in the library before." He responded, and her smile faltered slightly.

"Well, I'm not as studious as Sakura, but every once and a while, I'll come here to research something." She explained, and he noticed she was carrying a book about shogi.

Suddenly, it occurred to Sai that this would be an excellent chance to test everything he'd been learning all morning. ­_Take interest in her hobbies and interests, and she will see that you are interested in her._

"Shogi is interesting." He told her, feeling rather triumphant. He believed this was called _flirting_, but he'd have to look it up again later.

"Oh, no, not really…I mean, I try to understand because Shikamaru likes to play, and if I can become better at it, he might…" she blushed scarlet and pulled up a seat next to him. "Sai, what do you think of Shikamaru and I?" Sai wasn't sure how to proceed, so he decided to go with what he knew.

"Shikamaru is interesting." He offered, and she giggled slightly. He wasn't sure if giggling was a good sign or not, he hadn't really read anything about it yet, but Sakura usually did it when she was happy, so it must be all right.

"He is, isn't he?" she leaned in close. "I feel so much better now that I've given up on Sasuke. I mean, Sasuke's much better looking, obviously, but there's nothing wrong with Shikamaru's face, and when he isn't pouting about everything being so troublesome, he can actually be very handsome."

"Interesting." Sai decided this was enough _flirting_ for him, so he cut to the chase. "Would you like to have a date with me?" Ino's mouth dropped open suddenly, and she looked completely shocked, so Sai decided to put her mind at ease. "Don't worry, I intend to be a gentleman. I won't put any moves on you until…" he flipped open a book and turned to a certain page before turning back to her, "until you are sending me the right _signals_. I don't know what the signals are, but I'll be sure to read that chapter before our date." He ended with his best smile.

"Um, Sai," she responded after a long pause. "Did you hear anything I just said?"

"Of course. It was very interesting." He assured her.

"Okay…" she made an odd face before pressing on. "Well, I'm really sorry, but I'm sort of seeing Shikamaru. It's not really serious or anything, I mean, it's only been a couple dates, but he's really…" she seemed to come back to herself, shaking her head slightly. "Anyway, I can't go on a date with you, I'm dating him already. I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were interested in me like that."

"Oh, I'm not really." He told her. "But I need to practice all this love stuff on someone so I can get the hang of it. And I really don't see what you dating Shikamaru has to do with you dating me."

"Yeah…I think those books must be leaving out some crucial points. For instance, people that are in a relationship shouldn't be dating other people." She smiled, not even really offended that he wasn't interested in her. "What inspired you to learn about love in the first place?"

"I can't tell you, really." Sai explained with a shrug. "It's a secret. But it has to do with my team."

"Oh," she smiled knowingly and giggled. "I see. Well, if you wouldn't mind some advice, there's more to being interested in what a girl has to say than just saying everything she talks about is interesting. When you find someone you can love, you won't have to force yourself like that. You'll see that you really want to hear what she has to say, that it really is interesting to you."

"That is helpful, thank you." Sai nodded and considered her words carefully while turning back to his books. She watched him, her lips pursed slightly before reaching over and grabbing his shoulder.

"Listen, Sai, I'm sure that studying works really well for some things, but for this, you're really going to need to learn from other _people_." She told him, and he tilted his head in confusion.

"These books are written by other people, you know." He informed her, his expression that of someone who was concerned that the person he was trying to speak to wasn't capable of understanding basic concepts.

"Of course I know that, but none of them _know_ you, and none of them really know your situation. They're writing generic advice that isn't really that helpful. The whole point of having friends is that they can help you with things like this." She grinned at him broadly. "Come on, I'm meeting Shikamaru for lunch, I bet he'll have loads of ideas to help you out."

"I don't know if…" Sai paused, having a rare moment of social insight. "Wait…this sounds like a date."

"Well, we eat together all the time, I'm sure he won't mind if I bring you along." She flushed deeply. "I mean, we aren't really official or anything, but he _did_ kiss me. Oh! But don't tell him I told you that! He gets annoyed when I bring it up, he says I'm too _gushy_, but I told him that girls are just _like_ that, and honestly, if he's so smart, then I don't see why he can constantly…" she trailed off, seeing the glazed over look in Sai's eyes. "Sorry, I do that sometimes. But really, you should come!"

"It would be beneficial to observe a date…" he considered before nodding sharply. "All right, I will come with you and quietly watch to see what I can learn."

"Great!" Ino stood up and clapped her hands together exuberantly, dragging a confused Sai out of the library after her, almost forgetting her book in her excitement.

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"Great," Shikamaru deadpanned as Ino brought Sai over to the table he was waiting at, and both of them sat down. "What's he doing here?"

"Shika-chan, please, he needs our help." She sat down beside Shikamaru, leaving Sai on his own side of the table, definitely feeling separated from the situation.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that, woman?" he grumbled and she gave him a terrifying smile.

"And how many times do I have to ask you not to be rude to _everyone_?" she hissed back and he subsided, apparently giving that battle up as a loss before turning to Sai again.

"So, what is it?" he asked. "It better not require lots of lifting, I'm exhausted."

"From what? Getting out of bed?" Ino teased. "No, it's nothing like that at all. You see, he's trying to learn about _love._ He said he can't tell me why, but it's for _someone on his team_."

"Oh, yeah, I always figured Sasuke swung that way. Shouldn't be hard to get him to agree to it as long as he doesn't have to express emotion." Shikamaru took a deep drink of tea and almost choked on it when Ino squawked in outrage.

"Can you _stop_ with the cheap shots at Sasuke?" she nagged. "I mean, I know I was after him for a long time, but I _told_ you, I'm over that. There is no _way_ Sasuke's gay. And it isn't a _guy_ he's concerned about, either." Sai puzzled over her words while the other ninja retorted.

"Wow, I wonder who that leaves, then." Shikamaru sighed and shook his head. "You're the least subtle ninja I've ever—"

"Hey guys! Are we eating?" Chouji was suddenly at their table, and he sat down next to Sai without waiting for an answer. "Great, I was starving."

"Hold on…" Sai cut in, finally catching on to part of what Ino had been saying. "When you say gay, you mean that he likes other men?"

"Wow, sounds like I was missing some conversation." Chouji chuckled as he glanced over the menu. "Who's gay?"

"No one, Shikamaru's just being a pain in the ass like always." Ino answered sharply.

"Actually—" everyone turned to him, and Sai suddenly realized he was a few words from spoiling a secret, so he searched his mind for something else to say, and suddenly blurted out, "how does someone know they're gay?"

"You might be, you wear that belly shirt thing." Chouji sounded serious as he rubbed his chin, and he winced as Ino smacked him over the head.

"Don't listen to him." Ino rolled her eyes. "It's easy! You just think about, you know, what sort of people you're attracted to, and then you know. So, for example, if you were going to kiss one of us, would you rather kiss Shikamaru or me?"

"I'd rather not kiss either of you." Sai answered after a long pause. "Because you aren't supposed to go around dating other people when they're in a relationship, and I think that the kissing would fall under that." He felt very proud that he had remembered that, and was not sure why it caused both Shikamaru and Ino to go deathly pale.

"Wait…what did he just say?" Chouji looked up from his menu seriously, a slight smile on his face. "What is he talking about?"

"You told _him_?" Shikamaru looked like he might actually yell, which was something that Sai had never witnessed before. "Why would you tell him?"

"I was trying to help him! And how was I supposed to know you'd invite Chouji along? I thought it would be private." Ino answered indignantly.

"Yeah, really private after you bring him. What's the deal with you two? Do you have some sort of thing for him?" Shikamaru asked, still teetering on the precipice of rage.

"Would you stop being jealous of _every_ guy?!" she stood up in a huff. "Maybe if you want to keep me all to yourself, you should try letting _anyone_ know about me! What am I, your secret shame or something?"

"This is exactly why I don't want to be in a relationship." He told her in a flat tone. "You're being troublesome."

"Ino and you are dating?" Chouji caught up with the volley and gasped. "Man…that was sneaky. I'm with you all the time and I didn't notice anything."

"We _aren't_ dating!" Ino tossed her napkin at Chouji, who was confused since he hadn't really done anything wrong. "Apparently that would be too much _trouble!_" and she stormed out of the restaurant.

"Hmm," Sai had produced a notebook and was taking rapid notes as Shikamaru let out a curse and slumped in his chair. "Do dates usually go this way? Because this wasn't in any of the books I read."

"Chouji, I meant to tell you, but I didn't want to make a big deal about it…" Shikamaru ignored Sai as he apologized to his surprised friend.

"No big deal! I'm happy for you two, really." He smiled cheerfully. "But you'll probably have to go after her if you want to keep dating her."

"Yeah…what a hassle." Shikamaru stood up and left as well, leaving Chouji and Sai alone.

"That was unexpected." Chouji picked up the menu and gave Sai a sidelong glance and a warm smile. "So, you're gay?"

"I don't really think so." Sai answered. "If I had to pick one, I would have chosen Ino."

"Well, Shikamaru's not nearly as pretty as her." Chouji joked good-naturedly. "but I don't think he'll be upset. So what's really going on?"

"I'm trying to learn about love." Sai explained simply and Chouji gave him a serious look, setting his menu down and waving over the waitress.

"Wait until you have the pork buns here." He told Sai, "Then you'll know what love is."

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To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 3

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Sai had decided on a course of study that he thought was probably his best possibility of mastering the concept of love, just as he had mastered friendship. Ino had been right when she pointed out that he could learn from people, but it wasn't simply from asking them questions, he noticed. Just as when he had been trying to learn how to be a friend, he had supplemented his reading and private research with information from those people he would come to consider his friends, both from asking questions and from observing their own "friendships" and the interactions between all types of friends. Then, as his final phase, he had adopted and attempted various different methods before finding what worked best for him. Now he felt confident in his ability to make friends and to maintain those friendships. He felt that he could master love in the same way.

He had already read many books concerning the concept and its many facets. He had found, in the course of his research that it was very complex, and quite hard to put into words. People seemed able to explain how one should treat the object of one's affections, but they were very hard pressed to provide a consistent explanation of what exactly love was. However, he had learned that indeed, it was something that could exist in many different forms, and there was nothing really shockingly out of the ordinary about the fact that Sasuke and Naruto, two men, would find love with each other, while society seemed to subtly push most people toward relationships between people of opposite genders. He had also learned that it was possible for women to fall in love with each other, which he thought only made sense, since it didn't seem that much different from two men being in love. He had also read a lot of romance novels that Ino had recommended to him, and in most of them, every couple seemed to be a man and a woman, although she had giggled madly when he asked and procured a few volumes that contained two men, and also helped him to find some books that focused on two women. He had gathered from these the basic mechanics of how physical love might take place when the corresponding parts were not really there. It seemed that love was something that could surmount any difficulties, really. Most of the books Ino had given him focused on two people who came from very different walks of life, and despite all the troubles being heaped on them, fell in love and seemed to utterly ignore these difficulties.

However, both Sakura and Shikamaru had witnessed him reading these books with deep interest and had said in their own ways that those books had nothing to do with real love. Shikamaru had said they were formulaic trash, and they couldn't really capture the way real people acted when they loved someone. Sakura had repeated that he would not really be able to understand love from any number of books, and would only see what it was when he experienced it himself. She had told him not to take the novels too seriously, and think of them more as suggestions of how people in love _might_ act in the highly improbable positions the books placed them in. This had been very helpful to him in his reading, once he realized that love did not have to take place between a warrior and his prisoner, or a chamber maid and a mighty lord, or two people from warring countries. He had been a bit worried, thinking he would have to wait until Konoha was at war with another country before he had a chance of experiencing love first hand. It made a lot more sense after that. After all, while Naruto and Sasuke had been rivals, they certainly had also been friends, so it wasn't as though it seemed that surprising to see them together. To him, it seemed that in public, they appeared almost exactly as one would expect close friends to act, but he found that with the additional information he had obtained, he could see certain behaviors that spoke of the truth of their feelings. He was so focused on these signs that he was vaguely amazed no one seemed to see the truth, but when he asked Sakura about it, she had looked at him very sadly and said that most people saw only what they wanted to see, and most of Konoha wanted Sasuke to settle down with a woman and repopulate the Uchiha clan. This was a wish he had to sacrifice if he really wanted to be with Naruto, she had explained.

Sai began to understand that love could be something of a compromise. This was actually much more obvious in the now publicly dating Shikamaru and Ino, who gave Sai plenty of examples of the difficulties of a relationship with their frequent fights, almost all of which happened in the same way. Shikamaru would accidentally offend Ino, who would become hysterical, yell quite a bit, and sometimes slap him or throw things, and then storm off. Shikamaru, seeming very annoyed by all of this, would then track her down and somehow gain her forgiveness. It was interesting to watch, because juxtaposed next to each other, Ino seemed to be much more concerned with Shikamaru than he was with her, and yet, Sai felt sure that if he was really as indifferent as he usually appeared, he would not go to the trouble of making up with her every time she became upset with him.

He felt that he should broaden his research, and began approaching his other friends and acquaintances to see what they could tell him about love; what it meant and how it felt, and how one could achieve such a thing. He felt sure that the widest sampling of opinions would give him the best possible information, just as he had found when learning about friendship.

"Who else do you know that might be able to help me with this?" Sai asked Sakura as he sat in her chair and watched her sitting on her bed, leaning against the wall, her bare feet barely dangling over the edge as they faced each other.

"Sai, I've told you hundreds of times." She told him patiently. "No one can make you _understand_ love just by telling you how it feels for them, or what it means to them. You have to experience it to really know what it is."

"I know that, and I plan to do that after I've examined all the information I gather." Sai told her in a matter of fact tone. Sakura raised her eyebrows and shook her head in bemused surprise.

"Honestly, if falling in and out of love were that easy, life would be a lot easier." She told him frankly. "Sai, you can't just choose to fall in love and have it suddenly happen. It's something that comes to you in its own time. You might fall in love tomorrow, or next year, or never at all. It just depends on when the time is right and when you find the person who is right for you."

"All the more reason for me to learn as much as I can." Sai told her, "If love might appear at any moment, I must be prepared to fully recognize it, or I will be losing a chance to learn that might never come around again. For example, Ino and you both loved Sasuke-kun, but while she was able to find another person to love with almost no trouble, it seems to me that while you attempt to show a cheerful face to Sasuke-kun, you still have feelings for him, and it still seems as though it hurts you to see how he feels for Naruto."

"Sai…sometimes I wonder how someone so clueless can see so much." She ran a hand thoughtlessly through her pink locks, and Sai notice with a detached interest the contrast of her fingers against the hair, which made her hands seem very white. His own hands were paler than hers, he knew, and he imagined how completely colorless the backdrop of pink would make his skin look. His thoughts often wandered to lines and colors and contrasts and such, but he found this must be natural for someone who was an artist. "Yes, I still love Sasuke, but the fact of the matter is that Ino loved the _idea_ of him more than anything. She didn't know him very well, honestly. In school, Sasuke spoke very little, and while I thought I loved him then, my feelings for him became stronger when we were placed on the same team and I came to know who he was under the mask that most people see. Learning more about him only made me want to know even more, and I think one of the reasons it hurts so much is that I know that he cares for me, but that I will never get the chance to know him as well as Naruto does." She laughed ruefully and Sai noticed that her eyes were oddly shiny. "The funny thing is that now that I know how they feel…looking back, I realize that Naruto's the better choice for him, anyway. He has always understood Sasuke better than I could, and he was more dedicated to retrieving him when he went away…without Naruto, I would have given up on Sasuke, I think, and so while I know that I loved him in my own way, and that I always will, I could never be as good as Naruto for him. Part of me…a big part, is happy that two of my dearest friends found love together and are truly happy. But another part of me…I lost one of my oldest dreams that day, when I saw them together. I had hoped for something more to develop between Sasuke and I, and it makes me ashamed to see that this whole time, I could have completely ignored his feelings and Naruto's feelings, selfishly seeking something I could never have. I wanted to be with Sasuke, but I realize now that even if he had dated me, I wouldn't have been happy. I would have seen eventually that I wanted more from him than he could give me. He won't ever be able to treat me the way he treats Naruto, and it isn't that he is trying to be unfair or cruel. He's a good friend, honestly, but he keeps his heart hidden from everyone, guarded so that no one can touch him or make him really _feel_. But Naruto…he can make friends with _anyone_. It shouldn't surprise me that someone like that could even make Sasuke fall in love. Seeing how happy they are…I wanted to make Sasuke feel that way, and what hurts the most is knowing that I was too young and too stupid to see that if he had been with me, it would have kept him from becoming the person he is today. Love…it can be wonderful, it can make great things possible, but it can be selfish, too, and it can make you blind, it can make you hurt people without knowing it." Sai watched as she stared at her lap, a tear trickling down her cheek and dripping down to land on the back of her hand.

"I hurt people without knowing it all the time." Sai spoke softly after a long silence. "That day, when you and I came across them together, Sasuke-kun told me that I can't seem to see when I'm hurting others, and I'm afraid he must be right." He shook his head slightly. "I have read that talking about things that are bothering them make people feel better, and can help to heal any pain, but no matter what I say, it seems that whenever I bring up something like that, it only makes it worse. I think that no matter how I try, I will never be able to say what is needed at the right time, and no matter how I try to help my friends, I only make them feel worse."

"Sai," Sakura looked up, brushing away her tears with an impatient gesture. "It hurts me to talk about what happened with Sasuke, but that isn't your fault, any more than its Sasuke's fault or Naruto's fault. I can't make him love me, and I can't make myself love him the way he deserves, the way Naruto does. The hardest thing is seeing faults in yourself, and it terrifies me to think that maybe there's something wrong with me, that I'll never be able to love someone the way they love each other, that I'll die alone or unhappy or both because I don't have Naruto's ability to love someone like that…so unconditionally. Anyone would be lucky to have someone love them that strongly, and I wonder…if I can't find that in myself, will I ever find someone who can love me back? I thought that what I felt for Sasuke was the most intense…the most true love anyone can feel, but now…I see that while I did love him, and I still do, I love him about as much as I love Naruto, and if I had seen Naruto in a different light, it might have been _him_ that I chased for so long, not seeing that loving someone because they're one of your best friends in the world isn't the same as really _loving_ someone because they're the one person you can't do without. That's what made Naruto so determined to get Sasuke back, no matter what, even when I thought it was hopeless and was ready to quit. It scares me to think I'll never find something like that."

"You shouldn't worry," Sai told her in a serious tone and reached over, handing her the box of tissue that was placed in one corner of her desk. "You taught me almost everything I know about friendship, and you've helped me come closer to understanding love, as well. I am sure that you will love someone again, and that this time they won't be gay."

"Sai," she was crying and laughing at the same time, and it sounded rather odd. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose, tossing the tissue in the wastebasket next to him. "Sometimes I wish you were more tactful, but I think I would miss moments like this."

"Like what?" he tilted his head curiously and to his surprise, she got off the bed, leaned over, and gave him a light hug. Sai knew that he had friends, and he knew that friends would sometimes hug, but he had never been hugged since his big brother had died, and the feeling of someone that close to him was almost entirely alien to him. The only reason he ever came so close to someone in his daily life was if they were fighting, or if he had to carry a wounded comrade. This was somehow completely different.

"Don't ever let yourself feel like you aren't able to be a good friend, just because you're different from other people." She told him before pulling back from the hug and smiling down at him as she stood before him. "You think that there's something missing in you just because you don't always know just what to say, or how to act, but I'll tell you a secret. None of us really know how to act all the time, and the mistakes we make, the things we say and the things we do…if everything was perfect all the time, everyone would be the same, and life would be boring. You should never believe that there's something wrong with you because you can't be perfect all the time. That's what makes you human, and that's what makes you a good friend and a good person. Don't forget that."

"Oh," Sai felt his cheeks redden at the compliment. He didn't think anyone had ever said something so kind to him before, and he realized once more how lucky he was that Danzou-sama had ever assigned him to this team in the first place. At this point, the leader of Root had given up on him utterly as a lost cause whose newfound emotions were nothing but a hindrance, but Sai had to admit that the loss of rank was more than worth this, worth feeling like there was meaning in his life beyond the completion of missions. "Thank you."

"Now then," she brushed at her eyes once more to be sure all the tears were gone and smiled at him warmly. "Let's go see about your research, okay?"

Sai nodded and stood up, still a bit shocked by the fact that she had hugged him, by the things she had said. He was trying to process everything he had learned, and he realized with a slight sense of surprise that despite what she thought of her own powers of perception and her comprehension of emotions, Sakura was one of the people whose opinion and knowledge he valued the most. He had the odd thought that no matter how many books he read, or how many other people he spoke to, he could learn more from Sakura than anyone else.

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To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 4

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"Hey!" Sakura waved enthusiastically as she recognized a group of people and snatched Sai's hand, pulling him forward. "Hey, guys!"

"Hello, Sakura-chan." Hinata looked around shyly as though looking for something. "Is Naruto-kun with you?"

"Probably off sparring with Sasuke." Kiba turned away from the counter of the dango stand they were at and patted Akamaru's massive head. "Right?"

"Probably," she gave them a tight smile and pulled over Sai. "Mind if we join you?"

"That would be fine." Shino spoke up from the other side of Hinata, adjusting his sunglasses.

"Hinata wanted a snack, and they make the best dango here, so…" Kiba flushed slightly and coughed to clear his throat. "Are you two on a date or something?"

"No!" Sakura's face pinked, oddly making her face and her hair complement each other, and making Sai think of how many shades of pink there could possibly be. It made his fingers itch to paint. "No, I'm trying to help Sai out, and he wants to get the opinions of lots of different people, so I told him I'd help him find some."

"What sort of opinion did you need, Sai-kun?" Hinata asked, picking up her snack and biting one of the sugary balls of flavored mochi off the end of the stick. Sai suddenly noticed that Kiba was about to stab himself in the eye with his own dango, as he was too busy staring at what Hinata was doing.

"I'm investigating love." He told them in a serious tone. Hinata giggled nervously and Kiba stabbed his cheek, leaving a smear of the sticky sauce that covered the kabob-like snack. "You see, I feel comfortable with friendship, but for certain things, I still find that I cannot properly offer _sympathy_, which is a key component of any friendship, I have found. Therefore, I am trying to learn all I can about love."

"I've told him that it's something you have to experience to really understand, but he's very insistent." Sakura offered a sheepish smile.

"Intriguing." Shino would have looked very serious, were it not for the dango stick in his hand. "I have had quite a bit of experience observing love, and I believe that it is more trouble than it is worth."

"When have you observed love?" Sakura raised a brow in question, and Shino elaborated.

"I have witnessed it as an irresistible attraction between two people, causing at least one of them to become overly foolish and end up embarrassing themselves in their every attempt to capture the other person's attentions and gain a return of this attraction. It seems to me that if it were reciprocated, it might not be quite such a horrid undertaking, but as it is, it tends to be very one-sided in most cases. Only a very few people are lucky enough to achieve their goal, and I have determined to avoid it at all costs." He told them.

"This seems to be similar to Shikamaru's views on love, which is quite interesting, as he seems to have encountered trouble only _after_ having gained Ino's affections." Sai had his little notepad out and was diligently taking notes. "Fascinating. Could I ask where you're gaining this information from?"

"He's probably thinking about what happened between Kurenai-sensei and Asuma-sensei." Hinata spoke up before Shino could answer, a light flush staining her cheeks.

Shino shook his head. "Actually, I was thinking of Kiba and—"

"Okay, seriously, one more joke about Akamaru and me, and I will pound you into the ground, bug-boy!" Kiba cut him off immediately, "_Some_ things are better left unsaid. Right, Shino?" There was a long pause. Shino glanced at Hinata and then back at Kiba and silently nodded.

"Er, well, what do you think about it, Kiba?" Sakura felt like there was something else going on here, but she was having a hard time pinning it down. Her suspicions were confirmed when she saw Kiba go brilliantly red and fidget with his empty dango stick.

"Ah…well, I mean, I haven't really…" he coughed and glanced at Hinata, who was politely looking at him while he spoke. "I mean, I've had plenty of experience with that sort of thing, and I think…" he stared at his empty stick again, flushing even deeper, "well, I think that if you're looking for it, you really have to _look_, you know, because you may be missing something that's…you know, like, right there. And it could be really good, but maybe, you know, you're too busy chasing after something else. And what you don't realize is that the thing you're ignoring…well, if you'd just give it a chance, it could be so much better, and you'd really be…um, happy."

"Oh," Sakura quirked a brow, and then suddenly, everything fell into place, and she let out a little gasp. "Oh! Well, that's very…um, that's very helpful, Kiba. Wasn't that helpful?" she prompted Sai, who nodded brightly, looking up from his notepad.

"Yes, I haven't gotten anything of that sort before." Sai nodded and gave Kiba a gracious smile. "I just need to ask—"

"Hinata!" Sakura cut him off, turning to the pale-eyed girl, who took a dainty bite of the last bit of her dango. "What do you think about it?"

"Well," Hinata's skin was much paler than Kiba's, so when she blushed, the effect was much more dramatic. "I don't really know that much. I've never had a boyfriend or anything, and I'm not really very…I think girls like Ino and Sakura have much better luck in love than I do, as they're very friendly and outgoing, and I get…well, I get a little shy around boys, and I can't really say anything."

"You can talk to us just fine." Kiba pointed out, and she shrugged and smiled at him.

"Well, you two are my friends, and my teammates, and it's different with you. I don't really think of anything like that happening, so I never…" she faded off, fidgeting slightly and going red again.

"Kiba," Sai spoke up again, looking up from his notepad once more, "exactly how long have you been in love with Hinata?" Sakura groaned and covered her face with her hands as though she could erase what had just happened. Kiba went horribly pale and then brilliantly red, and Hinata turned to her teammate with shock etched over her pale face, her odd eyes wide.

"Kiba, you aren't…" she began, but he shook his head furiously and threw down some cash to pay for the snacks.

"I…I have to go! I just remembered." And he fled the scene with Akamaru in tow.

"In answer to your question, Sai-san," Shino spoke up, and everyone turned to him expectantly. "I believe it has been going on almost since we were put on the same team, but possibly before. Unfortunately, Hinata suffers from a hopeless crush on Naruto that has been going on since well before then, so she is utterly blind to his attempts to win her over."

Sakura shook her head furiously, hands still pressed to her face, groaning once more. Sai, scribbled down the information diligently, and Hinata fell over in a dead faint.

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Sai watched the line his charcoal made as he dragged it across the paper, feeling strangely sluggish. Usually he felt so calm and peaceful and balanced whenever he drew or painted, but for some reason he couldn't seem to find what he wanted. The lines weren't forming the way he wanted, and his skin was splattered with the failed remnants of an abandoned painting. It seemed the green was too dull, the red to dark, and blue just made his head hurt. Perhaps he had contracted some sort of illness and was showing the fatigue resulting from the early stages of that illness. But that seemed ridiculous to Sai. He'd been sick so rarely, and the last time had been over three years ago. Danzou-sama had explained that a ninja was like a machine, and if the body was well maintained and cared for, it would never break down.

Although, it was true that he had strayed quite a bit from Danzou-sama's teachings recently, but he didn't think that simply having friends and socializing resulted in sickness. He couldn't imagine that he could be susceptible to stress. His life wasn't even and danger, and if it had been, that in itself could not shake his serenity. He had been risking his life almost as soon as he was strong enough to hold a kunai.

_What's wrong with you?_

At first he thought it was his own mind asking the rhetorical question, but then, Sai paused, tore the paper off his pad and tossed it aside carelessly, moving his charcoal with a surety that had been eluding him all afternoon. For some reason, after Sakura and him had parted ways at the dango stand, he had not been able to concentrate, and he couldn't see why.

_You'll never understand something as delicate as love, it's impossible for someone like you._

Suddenly indignant, he tossed down the charcoal, moving his fingers over the surface of the paper, smudging here, blending there, leaving some bits completely untouched, and then reaching down for a pack of pastels, trailing his paint-flecked fingers over the sticks before he snatched one up, and smudged the tiny fleck of brilliant green in a precise spot before pausing to take it in.

_I know you don't mean to…but you hurt people when you're so thoughtless. How can I ever make you understand?_

It didn't look like her. There was a suggestion of neck, there, nearly invisible under the swirling hair, but if there was one line that was perfect, that was so true to her image that it amazed even Sai in his ability to create it, it was the line of her face, her exact profile, the curve of her cheek and her down-turned mouth. Her eye was the one piece of color, but in any case, it wasn't a picture of Sakura.

It was a picture of his failure. It was a picture of her pain, her anger, her weary frustration. He had created that, and it seemed natural that he could recreate it now using the tools that he had always understood much better than he was sure he would ever understand other people.

After they left the dango stand, she had turned on him, completely furious, but almost before she could get into her stride in the tirade she launched in to, it was as if all her anger drained out of her, and it seemed that here eyes dimmed a bit, and he realized in that moment that she wanted to give up on him, possibly forever. Certainly he would be disappointed to lose a friend who had been so valuable, but he was not prepared for the wrenching pain of knowing that if he couldn't find the way to fix this, she might never smile at him again, might never even look at him. Was this pain a part of friendship? The horrible pain of losing someone you cared about…he couldn't imagine it being worse, but just when he thought it couldn't get worse, she had looked up, tears in her eyes, and smiled at him, a horribly fake smile.

_I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I…I'm sorry about saying that. I don't mean it. We'll try again tomorrow, all right?_

And then she had left and he had returned home, feeling oddly guilty and still having an odd fear that he had damaged his friendship with Sakura badly that day. She smiled, and she said that she didn't mean those things. She told him she would help him the next day, but he was not blind, he was not as oblivious as he had once been. She was angry and disappointed and horribly sad, and he had done nothing for her.

_In times of hardship and sorrow, true friends will always prove their devotion, helping each other in any way possible, and showing the depth of their feelings._

He remembered having read that, but unfortunately, he could not recall the book explaining how it was that one went about proving themselves, helping each other, and showing the depth of their feelings. He needed a real person, one who would know what to do for Sakura, how to make the situation better. Suddenly, he opened his window and hopped nimbly over rooftops before leaping to the ground and knocking on the door.

"Hello?" Ino opened the door and looked at him in slight surprise. "Sai? What's going on?"

"I need advice." He answered shortly. "I think that Sakura hates me."

"Oh," her eyes went wide and she opened the door further. "Come in."

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To be Continued…


	5. Chapter 5

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 5

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"What is he doing here?" Shikamaru's flat tone might have been more convincing if his entire body wasn't suddenly poised to leap into a battle stance. Sai had long since gotten used to his habit of being suspicious of any other male that Ino decided to even glance at, unless it was Chouji, who was somehow exempt from this. Sakura had tried to explain something about best friends and them all being on a team, but it didn't make much sense to him. After all, Sakura and Sasuke and Naruto had been a team before he had joined them and had been very good friends, but that hadn't stopped Naruto from stealing Sasuke's affections from her. Not that she had really _had_ them, but she had been more publicly vocal in her desire of them, so Sai was sure that counted for _something_.

In any case, he wasn't sure whether or not Shikamaru hated him just on principle, or found the fact that he looked a lot like Ino's very first crush to be rather more threatening than her saying hello to Kiba or smiling at Neji or joking around with Naruto. It seemed that a special level of suspicion was reserved for himself, and above him, there was only one man Shikamaru trusted less. Sasuke. Sai found this very funny, and wanted to simply tell him that unless Ino was secretly a man, he was quite safe, but he thought maybe that was part of the whole secret he wasn't supposed to be telling, and so he kept his knowledge to himself and endured Shikamaru's glares.

After all, he was still lazy, and if you'd been in the same room as him for fifteen minutes, he got tired of being prickly and suspicious, and he just treated you normally again. So Sai didn't feel that he was suffering too terribly.

"Shikamaru, please," Ino sometimes resorted to pet names when Shikamaru was being difficult. Sai found it interesting that something that was supposed to be a good way of deepening intimacy seemed to just irritate the genius. Truly, the information he had read, while some of it had been helpful, was not at all sufficient to understand love and all its varied dynamics. "Sai needs our help. And for the last time, I'm not at all interested in him. No offense, Sai."

"I'm not offended," Sai shrugged. "You already told me all this when I asked you on a date."

Suddenly the room went silent, and Ino's eyes flew to Shikamaru's strained expression, widening in alarm. "You…_what_?"

"Okay, it was totally innocent! It was right before I started helping him. He's so adorably clueless, he didn't realize what he was doing! Plus, you know very well who he's _really_ after. Honestly, I was probably meant to be practice." Ino explained hurriedly as Shikamaru got to his feet, tossing down the book he'd been flipping through when they entered Ino's room.

"Seems I'm in the way of you two. Maybe I should leave." He might have sounded utterly calm to anyone who didn't know him, but his voice was oddly tight, and he moved in a slightly jerky fashion toward the door.

"No! Please, Shikamaru, it isn't like that!" Ino moved quickly, cutting off his path to the door with her own body, grabbing his shoulders. "You're…you're the one I want to be with. Sai doesn't know me the way you do. No one does. You're the one who made me see…what I could really be. Please, don't go." She was blushing, clearly embarrassed to have to do this in front of Sai, but Shikamaru's stance began to relax almost at once into his typical slumping posture. Sai was completely fascinated. He had seen them fight plenty of times, but it was almost always Ino who became angry enough to storm off. Also, he had never witnessed the reconciliation, and he felt this was probably key to his education. "I love you," it was barely a whisper, but Shikamaru's eyes went wide, "so please, don't worry. I won't ever leave you."

There was a long silence, and Shikamaru leaned in, crushing Ino against the door as he kissed her so forcefully she gasped aloud, making an oddly muffled noise against his lips. This seemed to go on for quite some time, and Sai began to wonder how long they could possibly go without air before he released her, kissed her forehead lightly, and turned to Sai.

"I'll help you however I can, but you need to stop asking Ino on dates." He told the observer before returning to his seat on the edge of Ino's bed. "She's not available, and it won't help you get what you're after at all. Girls aren't impressed with guys who date for no reason at all."

"I'm not trying to impress anyone," Sai told them, "but I won't ask her out. She taught me all about people in relationships not dating other people." She smiled and laughed softly before walking over to sit next to Shikamaru, placing her hand casually in his as Sai took up the only chair in the room.

"Okay, so let's get down to business," Ino took charge immediately, seemingly having forgotten all about the scene that had taken place moments ago. "You say that Sakura hates you. What makes you say that?"

"I don't know that she _hates_ me." Sai clarified. "But she's definitely close to that point. I…made a mistake, and she became rather upset. She said some things and even though she took them back, she couldn't smile at me, and I could see that she was upset with me and disappointed. I know that if I can't prove to her that I never meant to make her angry…I just know that it will prove to her I'm not a good friend, after all, and I don't think she will want to know me anymore."

"What did you do?" Shikamaru cut straight to the chase, his brow furrowing as seriously as though he was deeply involved in a game of shogi.

"I was with her, speaking to some other ninjas about love, and I came to see during the course of the conversation that Kiba is in love with Hinata, and so I asked him how long he had felt that way, because I found it interesting." He told them. "I didn't understand how something like that could be a surprise to Hinata herself, as it seemed rather obvious to me after only speaking to them for a few minutes, and so part of me still wonders why there was such a reaction, but it made Kiba quite agitated, and Hinata fainted. Also, Sakura became very upset with me."

"Oh my god," Ino buried her face in her hands. "Please tell me you're making that up. Tell me you didn't really do that."

"Ino, honestly, don't overreact. Hinata was bound to find out at some point. You can only ignore the obvious for so long." Shikamaru gave her a slow smile. "You showed me that."

"But…oh, I wonder how Kiba is!" Ino stood up. "Maybe I should go see him."

"Come on, you promised to help Sai first." Shikamaru pulled her back down. "You're so troublesome. One thing at a time."

"Okay, okay." She settled back next to him and shook her head at Sai. "What…why would you do that?"

"I've already said, I didn't realize it was a secret." He shrugged.

"Okay, Sai, here's a good guideline from now on." She told him, pursing her lips for a moment. "If you think you notice something like that, and the two people aren't in a relationship already, just keep it to yourself. In situations like that, either the people involved haven't noticed yet, or they're waiting for the right moment to talk about it. Love is a delicate subject, you can't just bring it up like that and expect everything to work out."

"Oh," Sai nodded. "So people in love don't generally tell each other they are in love?"

"Not at first." She smiled at Shikamaru. "It's scary, telling someone something like that."

"Why?" he wanted to know.

"Because, what if they don't feel the same way?" Ino asked. "It's heartbreaking. Kiba knows that Hinata has a crush on Naruto. She has since school, and so he keeps his feelings to himself. Of course, almost everyone can _tell_, but the funny thing about love is that the closer you are to it, the harder it is to see, so she's completely oblivious. Since you brought it out into the open, of course, they'll have to talk about it now. But since Hinata is in love with Naruto, not Kiba, that means that there is no way it will end with them getting together. Basically, you just forced Kiba to have his heart broken."

"Oh." Sai suddenly understood why Sakura had been so upset with him. "I did not mean for that to happen."

"It's important for you to understand why she's angry." Ino told him, "If you don't, you won't be able to apologize properly. Also, it would be a good idea to apologize to Kiba and Hinata for putting them in this position."

"I see," Sai nodded as though listening to orders.

"And don't ever try to fake knowing what you did." Shikamaru advised. "Girls can always tell when you really mean it and when you don't."

"I have another question," Sai spoke after another moment of silence. "In my experience, when someone isn't interested, or is interested in someone else, the other person falls out of love eventually. For example, Ino and Sakura, as I understood it, were both quite devoted to Sasuke, but you are clearly past that, and Sakura has accepted as well that he lov—that he is not going to be with her."

"I wouldn't say that." Ino smiled as though she knew a secret. "You may think she's given up on him, but Sasuke may come around any day, you know." Ino meant to tease Sai, but he only gave her an odd look.

"In any case, I was wondering why Hinata is still after Naruto if he hasn't returned her feelings for all these years? And in that case, isn't it likely that any day she could give up on him and turn her attentions to Kiba? And in _that_ case, wouldn't I have been helpful in some way, having brought his feelings out into the open?" he asked.

"Naruto _does_ love her, though." Ino shook her head slightly. "He loves all of his friends, and you can see how warmly he treats those close to him. To her, that's constant encouragement. And who's to say that he won't give up on Sakura and turn to Hinata?"

"I don't think so." Sai frowned, and Ino pouted a moment before bursting into giggles.

"Sai, I know you've been studying love, but you're far from being an expert. If you want to have _any_ chance with Sakura, you need to learn to listen to me." She told him in a shrewd tone.

"Just don't argue with her," Shikamaru recommended, "it's easier."

"Okay," Sai shrugged. He wanted a chance to have Sakura forgive him, and so he would let Ino believe whatever she wanted to if that would help. "So I know why she's upset. Now what?"

"You know how to apologize, right?" Shikamaru joked.

"I believe there's bowing involved, but I am not sure how deeply I would need to bow for this specific offense." Sai answered seriously.

"How do you…" Ino trailed off, burying her head in her hands. "Never mind. We'll help you. Okay, Shikamaru, you be Sakura."

"No." Shikamaru answered in a flat tone.

"Oh, come on, it's just to show him how." Ino pleaded. "It's not like I'm going to dress you up and dye your hair pink."

"No." Shikamaru repeated.

"Well, what, you want _me_ to be Sakura and you be Sai? That's just stupid! I'm _much_ better at apologizing! You never say the right things." She argued.

"If I may offer my opinion," Sai spoke up, raising a hand for attention. "I think Shikamaru has had more practice, if you think about it."

"Hmm…I guess he has. Okay, fine, we'll compromise." Ino clapped her hands together. "I'll be Sakura, and Shikamaru can be Sai to show you how it's done. Then I can tell you all the things he said wrong and how he should have said them. And then you can try, and I'll be Sakura again."

"No," Shikamaru spoke up again. "You don't need to be Sakura for him. He can find the real Sakura for that."

"But he needs practice!" Ino protested. "Honestly, it's just a friendly thing, don't get so upset over everything."

"I thought you told me it was easier _not_ to argue with her?" Sai tilted his head and Shikamaru rolled his eyes and slumped over, resting his chin in his hand.

"Great!" Ino beamed and turned to Shikamaru, "Okay, you're Sai now. Go!"

"Go?" Shikamaru made a face and she punched his shoulder. "Okay…ow." He rubbed it and sat up. "Do I have to wear a belly shirt or something?" he dodged the second attack and raised his hands in a gesture of peace making. "Okay, okay, I'm Sai."

"I'm Sakura, and I'm angry!" Ino explained in a very enthusiastic voice, which completely destroyed any seriousness she might have been hoping for.

"Hello Sakura," Shikamaru nodded slightly. "I didn't mean to make so much trouble earlier. I should have just kept my nose out of other people's business, and kept myself away from everyone's girlfriends."

"Shikamaru, I swear!" Ino threw up her hands. "If you can't be serious about this, Sai might as well just—"Shikamaru reached over and kissed her lightly.

"I'm sorry," he told her, his tone soft, somehow different from the voice he usually used.

"Oh…okay." She flushed deeply and coughed slightly.

"Hmm…I see." Sai nodded to himself and pulled out his notepad.

"Hello Sakura," Shikamaru started over. "I didn't realize what I was doing, and I'm very sorry. I didn't want to upset our friends, and I never meant to cause any trouble." He turned to Sai, "Then, usually add something about how you're no good with words, or you don't understand feelings very well, but you know that you care about her. That always works."

"It always works for _you_!" Ino gasped. "I never realized before…your apologies are always the _same!_"

"Well, after that many, I have to recycle." He told her, not bothering to deny her accusation.

"I hate you." She grumbled.

"No you don't." he gave her a sly smile and she giggled slightly before replying coyly.

"I know."

"Sai, leave." Shikamaru didn't even look at the other man, who tilted his head and looked up from his notebook.

"Why?" he asked, brow furrowed in concentration.

"I'm going to get action." He replied in a matter of fact tone.

"No you're _not!_" she reached up, bringing her hand across in a sharp slap.

"Ow…" Shikamaru rubbed his head. "I guess not."

Sai continued scribbling.

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To be Continued…


	6. Chapter 6

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 6

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"Hello, Sai," Sakura's face looked a bit strained, but she was clearly trying to appear cheerful as she walked out of her front door to join him. "I thought today we could go talk to some other—"

"I have something I have to say," he announced, grabbing her shoulders and turning her to face him so that it would be more like he had practiced. "Yesterday, something that I did not mean to happen took place. I understand now how much trouble I caused, and I am quite sorry for that. I have already apologized to our friends, but I wanted to tell you this as well." Sakura's face was unreadable, and Sai dug through his memory for something else to make the apology more sincere, and then he remembered Shikamaru's advice the day before. "I'm not very good with…understanding emotions, and it seems no matter how hard I study, I create these situations by missing something that is obvious to everyone else. But I do know that you are very important to me, and I want you to know that these things I do are never meant to make you unhappy or to drive you away from me."

"Oh," Sakura licked her lips, and flushed slightly, and Sai felt an odd heat in the back of his neck. Suddenly, for no reason, he remembered Shikamaru's brief, but very effective, apology of the day before, and he leaned in before suddenly stopping himself, feeling a blush rise to his own cheeks. He knew better than that. Kissing was for people who were in love, and if he kissed Sakura, she would likely pound him into the ground for using her as a test subject or something. "That…was a very good apology." She was leaning toward him expectantly, and he struggled to think of what she could be after, his mind chanting over and over that he better not kiss her.

"I practiced all night." He told her, his voice soft, and she let out a small laugh, her lips curving into a true smile again, and he felt that he had succeeded. His heart was beating fast, and he felt like it was something like the exhilaration he felt sometimes in battle or a good training session. They still stood very close together, and it occurred to Sai that if he _did_ kiss Sakura, it would be very easy to reach her lips, but he better not, because he didn't want to upset her again after he went to all the trouble of fixing his last mistake. Wasn't there something he could do that was acceptable between friends? Not a kiss, but…

Suddenly, he remembered Sakura's arms around him and he reached down, wrapping his arms around her, feeling a bit embarrassed that he was likely not as good at this as she had been, and pulling her into a hug. She gasped softly, and he tensed a moment before she wrapped her own arms around him and squeezed him so that he felt as though she was trying to say that as much as he needed her as a friend, she needed him as well, and did not want to let go.

"Sakura!" there was suddenly a loud, indignant yell from a male voice, and before he could look up, Sai found himself on the ground with several sore spots. He looked up and saw that Lee was clasping Sakura's hands, but she brushed him off to help Sai up.

"Are you okay?" she asked, just as Lee asked her the same question. Sai nodded slightly and found that though he was quite capable of rising under his strength, he liked the feel of her hands in his.

"Lee, why did you do that?" Sakura whirled on the thick-browed interloper, and Sai noticed that the rest of his team were a few yards away, looking as though they were quite used to this sort of thing, but found it terribly wearisome.

"I saw that he was attempting to seduce you, Sakura-chan!" Lee explained, his eyes burning with their typically energetic inner fire. "I could not stand by without protecting the one I love!"

"Lee, for the last time, Sakura doesn't like you like that!" Tenten approached them now, with Neji behind them, seeming a bit annoyed with Lee's behavior. "You can't just clobber any guy she's with until you're the last one that will talk to her."

"My love for Sakura is too strong to be shunted aside by a few refusals." Lee informed them all. "I will certainly prevail. One day, Sakura will see the pure beauty of youth burning inside both our hearts and be drawn to return my feelings."

"That seems very unlikely." Neji spoke up.

"Lee, seriously, you're very nice," Sakura put in her own opinion. "But I really have no romantic interest in you. I'm really sorry, but I've told you this before."

"About thirty times." Tenten offered. "Maybe fifty."

"Do not give your heart to this one!" Lee pointed dramatically at a vaguely dumbfounded Sai, "Has he known you as long as me, or as well? Has he loved you as deeply? No!"

"Sai and I aren't like that!" Sakura replied in frustration, her face suffused with blood. "We're just friends!"

"Yes, friends hug on occasion." Sai offered helpfully. "I did not kiss her at all, though I was close enough."

"Sai," Sakura sighed and slumped her shoulders slightly, "you're really not helping."

"I'm really sorry about this, you guys," Tenten apologized as Neji leapt to restrain a suddenly furious Lee. After a few moments, he attacked a pressure point, causing his teammate to pass out so that he was easier to deal with. "Great…now we're going to be late."

"I'm not exactly shattered." Neji told her before elaborating for Sakura and Sai's benefit. "We were to meet Gai-sensei for lunch."

"Which he's always late for!" Tenten exclaimed in exasperation. "And then he leaves before the check arrives, but makes some big speech about the beauty of youth or something pointless like that. Honestly, sometimes I wish we had a _real_ captain, like Kakashi or Kurenai."

"Honestly, Kakashi's just as bad in his own way." Sakura replied immediately before catching herself. "I mean…I learned a lot from him, but he's sometimes…a bit irresponsible, but he's really…So! Sai is trying to learn about love. Did you guys have anything you could tell him?"

"Oh, so you _are_ together!" Tenten clapped her hands together and giggled. "I can't believe it, but then, he does really remind me of Sasuke."

"No!" Sakura growled, "He's nothing like Sasuke!" Everyone was watching her with surprise, so she quickly regained her composure. "And we're not dating, I'm just helping him with this."

"Sorry," Tenten flushed slightly. "Well…I don't really have much to say, although _Neji_ could probably tell you plenty."

"What?" Sakura quirked her eyebrow and turned to the Hyuuga, who seemed to be blushing, which made him eerily reminiscent of Hinata. "What does she mean by that?"

"Well, he's been making a lot of excuses to go to the Hidden Sand lately," she giggled slightly while Neji continued to quietly blush and wish that he wasn't there. "So Gai-sensei said something ridiculous about youthful love, and it came to me! He's seeing someone there."

"I _am_ a jounin. Sometimes I take separate missions that are more fitting to my level." He explained, still blushing furiously.

"All by yourself? Interesting." Tenten laughed again. "Now, when I mentioned my theory, Lee said right away that it was probably Temari, you know, with the big fan?" she gestured to show how big said weapon was. "But I don't think that's it. See, one of the times he left, Temari was _here_, because she's always playing ambassador. And the thing is, I don't think it's a girl. I think he's carrying on a secret love affair with another man." Now she was blushing and giggled once more.

"Just because you read nothing but gay—" Neji protested, but Sakura cut him off.

"Well…he does spend a _lot_ of time on his appearance." She nodded speculatively.

"You see! I know. And don't tell me that all these years he hasn't had any interest in anyone. He's had girls _throw_ themselves at him, but he doesn't blink an eye. So I started to think, what if he only likes guys?" she explained.

"You know, I'm still right here." Neji was not blushing anymore, and just seemed resigned to his fate.

"Is it true that gay men all spend time on their appearance?" Sai spoke up in sudden confusion. "Because I noticed that Na—" Sakura cut him off with a lightning fast strike to the stomach, and he flew backwards against the buildings behind them, her smile not slipping once the whole time.

"Whoa, Sakura, you can sometimes be…a little scary." Tenten blanched at the scene.

"Huh? Oh, Sai, did you fall?" she turned to him with a bright smile, and he returned it with a forced one of his own, pulling himself up to his feet.

"Yes, please be careful when you step there." He walked back to her side.

"So then," Sakura seemed fascinated by this new bit of gossip, and Sai couldn't help but notice that she clearly had no trouble with the idea of two men together, so it was only when she had been in love with them that she became upset. "Who do you think his boyfriend is?"

"Please don't use that word." Neji protested. "I am not a thirteen year old girl."

"Ha! He didn't deny that it's a guy!" Tenten pointed out and Neji groaned. "It could be anyone, don't you think? It could even be Gaara!" Neji suddenly went scarlet and coughed, trying to regain his blank expression.

"Did you see that! Did you see how red he got! It is Gaara!" Sakura giggled in a way that struck Sai as slightly hysterical. "Wow, can you imagine Gaara and Neji?"

"Which one do you think is paler?" Tenten speculated. "They're both so pale…I guess you'd have to see them together." Both girls flushed and then burst into fresh giggles.

"Why are they laughing so much?" Sai addressed Neji, who looked like he wished he could be anywhere else in the world at that moment. "Is it like a joke?"

"Women are insane." Neji grumbled. "Is it a wonder I prefer men?" He clearly hadn't thought they'd been listening, but both girls squealed in excitement at his admission.

"He said it! He said it!" Tenten and Sakura were now clasping hands and jumping up and down, giggling madly.

"Are you really in love with the Kazekage?" Sai decided to just ignore them, pulling out his notepad. "How long have you two been seeing each other?"

"This is ridiculous." Neji flushed deeply again. "I have no reason to address these speculations."

"I see," Sai wrote something down. "You're dating in secret? What is the reason for that?"

"Secret! They're dating in secret!" Tenten shrieked as Sakura continued giggling, and Neji's eyebrow twitched in irritation.

"All right," he told them. "If you two can maintain your dignity, I'll tell you what you want to know. But not here. It must be somewhere private."

"Yes!" Sakura and Tenten exchanged high fives before immediately gaining control of their excitement. "We can go back to my house," Sakura indicated the building behind her. "I just left it."

"Oh my god, I'm so…" Tenten stopped herself at Neji's cold look. "Er…it will be good to finally have a serious talk."

"You hold this." He handed her Lee, who was still completely unconscious.

Five minutes later they were in Sakura's room, Lee on the bed, Neji sitting in her chair facing Tenten, Sakura, and Sai, who formed a small semicircle on the floor below him. "This is humiliating. I don't understand how any of this is your business." He told them in a resigned tone, and Tenten smiled brightly at him.

"So, is it Gaara?" she asked, and he nodded after a moment's pause. Somehow, both girls kept themselves from exploding in excitement, but Sai could see the way their hands were shaking.

"How long?" Sakura continued the line of questioning.

"Two years." He answered in a flat tone.

"Two years? God, you're sneaky." Tenten let out the barest of giggles and immediately clapped hands over her mouth.

"Is it meant to be secret?" Sakura asked him. "And if it is, why?"

"He has enough trouble with that council, I told him that I would rather keep what we're doing a secret than make his life harder. However, I am considering moving there. If I do, he says that he wants to tell them, because he would like us to live together." Neji explained, a slight pink tinge to his cheeks.

"Do Temari and Kankuro know?" Tenten asked, and he nodded slightly.

"He insisted on telling them, but I haven't told anyone. Except now, and you three must keep this an absolute secret until I _have_ moved. It shouldn't be long, but if you betray me, I will see you are silenced." Neji told them in a deadly serious tone. "Now, do you have any more questions, or can I go?"

"I have a question." Sai spoke up, raising his hand as if they were in school. "Who is on top?" There was shocked silence which he mistook for confusion, so he elaborated. "I mean to say, do you stick it in him, or does he put it in you?"

That did it. Both girls burst into giggles, and Neji stormed out of the room without an answer, his face scarlet.

-----

To be continued…


	7. Chapter 7

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 7

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Sai looked at his notes and frowned. He had been rather interested to contrast the way Neji felt about Gaara, another male, to the way Shikamaru felt about Ino, or the way Kiba felt about Hinata, but he had spoiled it with his first question. Sakura had explained why it had been embarrassing to him later, but she had seemed much less upset about this slip up than she had about his mistake with Hinata and Kiba. He had already issued apologies to both of them, and Kiba had acted like he didn't know what Sai was talking about, while Hinata had flushed and said that he had really not done anything wrong, which Sai personally felt was at least partially true, but he could understand what had been wrong about it from Ino's explanation, and he had wanted to make amends. He thoroughly enjoyed life outside of Root, and one of the greatest joys in his new life were emotions and friends, and he didn't want to lose either any time soon.

He had pages of notes on heterosexual love, thanks to his observations of Shikamaru and Ino, as well as his information from Kiba, Hinata, and Sakura. He had learned about unrequited love and heartbreak, and he had also learned about the growth of love when it is returned, as Shikamaru and Ino seemed to grow closer with each passing day. He still seemed aloof and lazy with most things, and she still seemed brash and overbearing, but somehow, when they were together, everything seemed to smooth over, and they seemed to _work_ so well. He wondered if all couples were like that, but he hadn't really had the chance to observe others. And there would be no chance to watch Neji and Gaara now that he had offended the Hyuuga. If only he knew…

Suddenly Sai stashed his notepad and climbed out his window smoothly, hopping over rooftops and feeling supremely foolish for having missed such an obvious opportunity to gather data. He landed outside Naruto's apartment door and knocked on it, excited to have found a new avenue of research.

"Hey, Sai, haven't seen you around lately," Naruto's easy grin widened and he let his teammate in without hesitation. "What's going on?"

"I've been studying, and I need your assistance." Sai cut straight to the chase. "You see, since the night that Sakura and I found out about Sasuke and you, I have decided that it is time for me to learn about love. I feel that this is necessary, especially so that I can be more sensitive to my friends. For instance, if I had known all about love _before_ then, I would have never caused undue distress to you or to Sakura that evening, which was never my desire. I plan to learn as much as possible about love, and then if I can, love someone so that I can understand it better. I may even have my heart broken, which would be best."

"Sai…you are…unique." Naruto rubbed the back of his neck in slight confusion. "You know, most people try really hard to _not_ have their heart broken, right?"

"Yes, Sakura told me that is why Kiba never told Hinata he was in love with her." Sai nodded sharply. "Unfortunately, I did not realize it was a secret, and I may have forced them into a very bad position by bringing it to light."

"Hinata knows?" Naruto looked oddly relieved. "Finally. I've been telling Kiba for ages just to _say_ something to her. A lot of people try to hide their feelings, but that's stupid. We're ninja, and we're young. We could die on our next mission, and what good would it do you to throw away every chance you have then?"

"Ah," Sai frowned slightly. "But Ino and Sakura told me what I did was wrong, because Hinata is…in love with someone else." He did not say who, as he wasn't sure if that was a secret as well.

"You mean me?" Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You know, everyone thinks I'm so stupid, but if there's one thing I can understand, it's feelings. It's kinda like we're opposites that way, huh, Sai? You know almost everything about facts and techniques and how this and that work, but you have a really hard time getting feelings, and that's the one thing I always knew. Maybe because I wanted people to like me so bad when I was a kid, I always know when they do and they don't."

"So…you know Hinata is in love with you?" Sai was perplexed. Sakura and Ino had been very sure that Naruto knew nothing about it, but it seems their information was faulty.

"Well, I mean, she was." Naruto shrugged and went in the kitchen. "You want some tea or something? Sasuke's coming over in a while and he always likes a hot cup."

"That would be nice, thank you," Sai followed Naruto, feeling more confused than ever. "You say she _was_ in love with you? What happened?"

"I mean, at first, I thought she would just grow out of it, because I didn't really want to hurt her feelings. Hinata's really sensitive, you know, and she's a really good friend of mine. So I didn't say anything." Naruto shuffled through the cupboards and pulled out a tin. "Is sencha okay? It's all he drinks." Sai nodded and Naruto set the tin down while waiting for the kettle to boil. "And then, after a while, I could see that she wasn't getting discouraged that I wasn't, you know, returning her feelings or anything, and even seeing me chase after Sakura all the time didn't seem to make her feel differently. And I started to think…if only I could love her back, then everyone would be happy. I'd finally have someone who loved me, and she'd be able to be with me after all that time. I'd leave Sakura alone, and she wouldn't have to feel guilty that she was ignoring me and staying with Sasuke, and then eventually _they'd _get together, and they'd have a bunch of kids and the Uchiha clan could be restored, so the Council would be happy, too."

"That is a very good idea." Sai nodded, seeing at once the logic behind this. "But it seems not to have turned out that way."

"Yeah…well, I think Sasuke gets personally offended at the idea of everyone's lives being easy, and does anything he can to fuck up our plans." Naruto smiled so that Sai would see he was at least partially joking. "Anyway, I learned something important. You can't force your feelings to change. I told Sasuke that I was going to finally start dating Hinata before I could go tell her, you know, because he's my best friend, and I wanted to know what he thought. I told him that I wanted him and Sakura to be happy together, because they were really my best friends, and he told me that I was an idiot. He said he couldn't love her, because he was already in love with someone else." Naruto paused, turning to lift the kettle off his stove and turn the burner off. He opened the teapot and put a few scoops of the tea in a mesh wire ball before filling it the rest of the way with steaming water and putting the lid back on.

"He was in love with you," Sai prompted. "Right?"

"Yeah, well, it turns out that the love I felt for him, the love he felt for me…well, it's not really like brothers. I mean, how was I supposed to know the difference? I've never had a brother, but I loved him so much…to think of him hurting, to think of never seeing him again, to think of giving up on him, it hurt so bad I thought I'd die. That's what kept me going when we kept trying to get him back. I thought, 'this love is way stronger than what I feel about Kiba or Neji or Shikamaru or any of my other friends, it's deeper than what I feel for Sakura, even.' I thought it was what family felt like. Because, you know, everyone says how family, no matter what, you always love them. Sasuke even said that he hated Itachi, but the funny thing is, you could kind of see that he could have never hated _anyone_ that much who he had never loved, who he still didn't love, just a little bit. After he killed Itachi, do you remember he cried? Sakura thought it was because he was so happy, but I could feel him hurting, really hurting. I knew that a part of him that had been buried under all that anger and hate still loved Itachi and just wanted him to go back to the way things had once been. I saw the way loving your brother could hurt so much, and could almost destroy you, and I thought it was the closest thing I knew to what I felt for Sasuke." Naruto pulled the tea ball out of the pot and emptied it in his garbage, taking it to the sink to rinse. "I should have seen that loving someone like that wasn't a family thing at all. I mean, do you think about kissing your brother? Do you think about how soft their skin looks, and how you want to touch it? Do you think of them when you're…well, never mind." Naruto flushed and shook his head, placing the clean ball in his drainer to dry and leaning back against the counter.

"How did you realize that you loved him…like that?" Sai wanted to know.

"He told me he loved someone, and I asked him who, and he kissed me." Naruto shrugged. "I was confused at first, I always liked how girls look and everything, so I never thought it was weird that I'd sometimes kind of stare at guys, because I was definitely straight. I never thought about how sometimes, there are people who like both girls and guys. But when Sasuke kissed me, it felt like…I just knew. It was like my whole life was a puzzle, and when I felt him, when I realized he loved _me_ like that, when I started to realize that I liked it, that I wanted him to do it again, that I wanted to…it was like the whole puzzle was finally just solved. Everything suddenly made sense. That's not to say it wasn't scary, to realize that there was one more thing about me that would make at least some people think I was a freak. And Sakura…I kept thinking of how everyone could be happier if I _ignored_ how I felt about Sasuke, and how he felt about me. I thought he'd learn to love her, and I'd learn to love Hinata, and everything would still be great. I realized that if I was with Sasuke, I would break her heart, and I'd have to break Hinata's heart, too. The Council would be pissed, and I had no idea how my friends would react. I could lose everything I spent all those years gaining. I'd be alone again, and everyone would turn away from me. But then I realized that I _wouldn't_ be alone. I'd be with Sasuke, and even if everyone else turned away from us, he'd be by my side, and I knew…I knew I'd be happier with him then I could be with anyone else. And I realized it was probably the same for him. Everyone wouldn't be happy if I went with Hinata. He wouldn't be happy, and I wouldn't be happy. I could have just done it if it was only my feelings, but Sasuke…it hurts just to _think_ of him hurting, and I knew that even if I broke Sakura's heart, even if I hurt Hinata, and drove away all my friends, and lost all my hope of being Hokage because the Council was annoyed they weren't getting any Uchihas out of him, I couldn't make any other choice. So that's how we got together."

"What about Hinata?" Sai asked.

"I basically told her around that time that I knew how she felt about me, and that I wished that I could return her feelings, but that I loved someone else, and it wouldn't be fair to her for me to pretend." Naruto sighed and poured a hot cup of tea for Sai, handing it over. "That was months ago, and I know she'll probably always have feelings for me, but she told me later that she was glad I was honest with her, so she can have the chance to move on. I've been waiting for her to see that Kiba's in love with her ever since then."

"How is it that no one knew you talked to her?" Sai wanted to know, and Naruto shrugged again.

"It wasn't their business, really. I mean, I told Sasuke about it because of course; he got all suspicious about why I was visiting her in private. He knew she'd been in love with me forever, so he didn't like the idea very much. He can be jealous sometimes." Naruto flushed slightly. "I don't see why. Honestly, other than Hinata, no one ever really paid attention to me at all before. He was the one with a hundred girls hounding him, and I don't get upset whenever he wants to talk to someone."

"Shikamaru becomes jealous in regards to Ino," Sai considered. "I've reached the conclusion that he finds her to be much more attractive than him, and believes that she will realize this and leave him for another man."

"That's stupid," Naruto chuckled slightly and shook his head. "There's no way I'm even close to as attractive as Sasuke. I don't think that has much to do with it, though, because it isn't like I just love him for being pretty. I think that when you love someone, you love who they are, rather than what they look like. And when you love them, they're attractive to you, more attractive than anyone else. Like Ino, she had a crush on Sasuke because of his looks, but she loves Shikamaru because of who he is. I realize now that I _do _really love Sakura, and that I do really find her attractive, but that it's like…she's my friend, and while I might have been happy with her if she had wanted me, now that I know what it's like to really find someone you love like _this_…it's just like waking up and realizing that the whole rest of your life was like a dream. This is real. What I feel for Sakura's real, too, but it will never be as strong as how I feel about Sasuke."

"So," Sai looked up from his notes, "do you believe that it is possible to love more than one person?"

"That's a tricky question," Naruto considered, his face twisting in contemplation. "I mean, right now, I feel like there's really one person out there for everyone, and I really hope that I wasn't the person for Hinata, and that Sasuke wasn't the person for Sakura. I think it's like how I used to be in love with Sakura. I love her just as much as I ever did, but I didn't realize that what I feel for her is really the love that's more like family than anything. I didn't see that until I could really step back and see how I love her more than I love a lot of my friends, but I love Sasuke even more than that, and that I want to live with him, that I want to always be with him and always have him at my side. When you love someone, you want so badly for them to love you back, but you also really want them to be happy. I want all my friends to be happy, and in that way, I really love all of them. I love you and Kiba and Ino and Neji and everyone that's helped me out through the years, but it's different for _everyone_. My relationship with you isn't anything like my relationship with Shikamaru. Does that make sense?"

"I think so." Sai nodded slightly. "For instance, I can say some things to you that I couldn't say to Sakura, and I can say some things to her that I couldn't say to you. Is that what you mean?"

"Sort of." Naruto nodded. "But that has more to do with how everyone has a different personality and different interests, and you know, if you told me that you thought pink was ugly, I wouldn't really care, but Sakura would get really annoyed and probably hit you."

"Yes, I see," Sai frowned slightly. "I'll have to think over this 'different types of love' concept before I really grasp it, I think. I may need to do some more observation, but I have an idea of what you mean."

"So, did you want to ask me anything else?" Naruto asked, but before Sai could answer, Sasuke strolled into the kitchen as calmly as if it was his own apartment.

"What's he doing here?" Sasuke scowled at Sai, and he had a sudden sense of déjà vu, though Sasuke looked nothing like Shikamaru.

"Good afternoon, Sasuke-kun." Sai had never dropped the name ending with his teammate. He had never really understood the other man, and he had never really warmed to him in particular. He found it rather hard to trust someone who had once betrayed Konoha and joined Orochimaru, no matter the reasoning behind his defection. For his part, Sasuke seemed to be perpetually irritated that his temporary replacement was now his permanent teammate.

"Just visiting," Naruto poured some tea and brought it over to the frowning man. "You know, I do have a door. You could try using it."

"If you don't want me coming in your window, close it." Sasuke answered, still staring disconsolately at Sai. "Is he leaving? I didn't come over here to spend time with _him_."

"Why are you always such a grouch?" Naruto rolled his eyes. "He's here for a good reason. He's trying to learn about love, so he was asking me a lot of questions about us and my feelings and stuff. You should help him, too."

"He was asking you about love?" Sasuke's glare redoubled in strength and his knuckles whitened on the cup so that Sai began to wonder if he would smash it on accident. "Why was he asking _you_?"

"Because I love _you_," Naruto answered in a slightly irate tone. "So I should know about it, shouldn't I?"

This seemed to calm Sasuke down a bit, and his grip loosened on the cup as he glanced down at his lover, whose face suddenly melted into a smile Sasuke couldn't resist returning with the barest tilt of his own lips.

"You don't have to be upset or worried," Sai assured Sasuke, "I'm not gay like you, so I have no interest in coming between you and Naruto."

"Sai…you can really kill a nice mood, you know that?" Naruto turned with a long-suffering sigh to his teammate, who smiled warmly.

"Thank you for all of your information, Naruto." Sai closed his notepad. "I think I will go now, as I had no intention to intrude upon your privacy."

"No, it's fine!" Naruto raised his hands up, oblivious to the glare Sasuke had once again focused on Sai to make sure he knew how unwelcome he was. "Sasuke, why don't you tell him some things about love? I think it would be good for him to hear it from your perspective, too, since we're a lot different."

"I am not talking to him about my private life." Sasuke refused in a flat tone. "It's none of his business."

"Come on, Sasuke!" Naruto needled the other man, but it was clear just from the look on Sasuke's face that he was never going to give in. "Okay, fine. Sorry, Sai! But Sasuke's a really private kind of person, so I guess he doesn't want to help _anyone_, even a friend."

"He isn't _my_ friend." Sasuke answered in an irate tone and Naruto sighed in annoyance and turned on him.

"Sasuke! How can you say something like that!" his brow furrowed as he pointed at the other man. "Sai's still right here, you know!"

"Oh, I don't mind," Sai waved his hand in a careless gesture and smiled at them both. "I like Sasuke-kun just as little as he likes me."

"You bastard…" Sasuke growled at his pale teammate.

"Okay, seriously, you two!" Naruto raised his hands in a gesture of peace making. "Sai, maybe you should go now."

"Yes, I think I will." Sai turned to leave. "Thank you again for all your help, Naruto."

"You're welcome," Naruto smiled back at him. "You know, if you wanted to talk to someone else, you could visit Iruka-sensei. He's always given me really good advice."

"Thank you, I may do that." Sai waved at them from the door and left. He returned home, the whole way thinking over Naruto's impassioned words, and considering how it could possibly be that someone as cold and remote as Sasuke could possibly inspire so much love in such a warm and open person as Naruto. If even Sasuke could be loved, then it must truly mean that someone was out there for everyone.

Sai wondered if that was true even for himself, and if so, how he would be able to recognize that person when the time came.

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To be continued…


	8. Chapter 8

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 8

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"I just…wow, I really _never _would have expected." Ino had insisted on taking Sakura and Sai out to lunch. At first, he had been surprised at this kind gesture, but it became clear from the moment he arrived that she had ulterior motives. One week ago, during a mission, Sakura had told Sasuke and Naruto that they had her blessing, and that she hoped they would tell their other friends about their relationship. Naruto had burst into tears, and Sasuke had given her the barest of smiles. When they returned to Konoha, they had first spoken to Tsunade to let her know of their intentions, understanding the possible impact their relationship might have on some of the Councils hopes and wishes. Naruto had already spoken to Iruka about his relationship with Sasuke, and they had both told Kakashi the truth as well. Now, they were ready to make it public. Sai was impressed with their thoughtful patience, waiting for Sakura's blessing before telling the rest of their friends, before showing any affection in public. He was beginning to understand love a bit more, and he saw that they were trying to spare her additional pain. He also knew that Sakura was still in pain, but was doing an expert job of hiding it. He had asked her why she bothered to conceal her feelings from Naruto and Sasuke, who genuinely seemed concerned with her, and she had smiled sadly, saying that it wasn't her place to deny them the happiness they deserved. After all, she cared about them both deeply, and she didn't want to make them suffer, thinking they had done something horrible.

_It hurts me, but it isn't as though they were being malicious. I can't force them to fall out of love, and I honestly wouldn't want to. Do you see how happy they are?_

Sai had to admit, Sasuke was becoming more…almost sympathetic in his mind. He found himself, at times, instead of being amazed that Sakura and Naruto would like or even love such a person, wanting to know him better. This was like the beginning of friendship. He supposed that knowing that two people whose emotional wisdom he so trusted both could have fallen in love with Sasuke intrigued him, and made him genuinely want to know what it was about Sasuke that so drew these other two, who were so different from him, to him.

As he got to know Sasuke better, he noticed that there were similarities between them that he had ignored and previously tried to gloss over. He wondered if the reason they had trouble getting along was in fact _because_ they were so similar. It makes sense. He has noticed that people who are very different are often most drawn to each other. Ino and Shikamaru, Naruto and Sasuke, Kiba and Hinata. Each of them seemed to be very different, and he would never have expected love to develop on one or either side before he began his study.

And suddenly, his interest in Sasuke was more personal. How had Sasuke, who was so cold, and so unable to exhibit emotions that might endear him to those around him, made so many people fall in love with him? Of course, he understands that most of his admirers simply love the way that Sasuke looks, and Sai feels that he is at least comparably attractive. After all, he has been told he looks similar to Sasuke, and that must mean that he is also good looking. But no one had fallen in love with Sai, as far as he knew, and it didn't make any sense. If they were so similar, he should also have many people in love with _him_. He felt quite sure that he could recognize the signs of someone being in love now, and he had yet to see any of those attentions being aimed at him.

Sai had discovered an odd, and secret truth about himself. He wanted to be loved. He wanted not just to have friends who cared for him, but he wanted to be adored, in the way that the many subjects of his studies were adored. It was an itching need within him, and he couldn't get rid of the nagging, insistent ache. He wondered if being loved could ever fully slake his thirst for the attention that he can see all around him, but that he never feels himself. It was strange, but Sai could not escape this need, nor can he seem to fulfill it.

"I mean, we've known Sasuke since he was just _tiny_, and Naruto, too, and I _never_ thought…" Ino was still going on about the unexpectedness of Sasuke and Naruto's sudden coming out, which had culminated in Naruto moving in with Sasuke, making it rather clear to everyone they hadn't personally told where their affections lie.

"Yeah, it was surprising." Sakura sounded rather weary, but she had not seemed very surprised at Ino's alternative aim in inviting out the teammates of the two men whose names were currently on the tip of most everyone's tongues. Sai had been fascinated to see the difference between the tiny ripples caused when Ino and Shikamaru had begun dating publicly, and when Sasuke and Naruto had done the same. Sakura had explained the reasons behind the difference, and Sai couldn't help but be annoyed on Naruto's, and even Sasuke's, behalf. Why should they have to change how they feel to make the village happy? Why could love not be something that each person was free to pursue in themselves, rather than finding it controlled and influenced by other? He realized now what a tough decision it must have been for both men to let everyone know the truth about them, knowing, as they must have, how many would be angered by their relationship, how many would oppose it. However, there were many who seemed to be inspired by their brave honesty, and who supported them. All of their friends were behind them, and it also helped to have the Hokage very obviously on their side. Still, Sai didn't think it was right for other people to try to tell someone who they could or could not love. He had learned that there was no way to change your heart, so what was the point of this futile opposition?

"Did you ever think maybe that there was something going on there?" Ino asked a variation on the questions she'd been interrogating Sakura and Sai with for the past half an hour.

"Not really, not until I first saw them together." Sakura smiled weakly. "Then it suddenly all kind of…made sense, I guess."

"Yeah, I mean, I knew that Naruto and Sasuke were really…preoccupied with each other and everything, but I just never realized that they could be…you know, I _swore_ that Sasuke wasn't gay. Shikamaru thought he was, but I just thought he was being an ass, you know." Ino flushed slightly. "I mean, I don't have a problem with it, but I just can't believe how they could have been together all this time…and I had no idea!"

"I know, really." Sakura sounded like she would rather be anywhere else in the world at that moment, and Sai suddenly tried to think of some way that he could end this wearisome encounter, or at least turn the conversation to something that would be easier for Sakura to talk about.

"How is Shikamaru?" he asked, knowing that if there was one thing Ino would want to talk about at any given time, it was her boyfriend. Sakura looked at him in surprise before turning to listen to Ino. Sai nearly leapt out of his skin in surprise when he felt her fingers on his hand below the table, giving a gentle squeeze to show her thanks. Suddenly, he felt himself blushing, and he struggled to school his features into their expressionless arrangement.

"Oh, he's doing great," Ino giggled slightly. "He's going to apply to become a jounin. He didn't want to, because he said it would be too hard, you know, too _troublesome_, but I pointed out that if he really wants to retire later, he needs to make more money then he does now, even as an instructor."

"I had no idea you two talked about…the future, you know." Sakura smiled softly, seeming much happier now that they weren't talking about how Naruto and Sasuke had dated right under her nose. "It must be really serious."

"Well, you know, he acts one way, but he's really mature." Ino blushed and went on, "I told him I was going to apply to become a jounin as well, and we had a _horrible_ fight. He said that there's no reason for me to put myself in danger like that…well, in the end, I won. Of course."

"Wow, jounin, huh?" Sakura really seemed interested now. "I should apply soon, as well. I don't want to be left behind, and I'm sure that Naruto's eager to advance again, now that he finally became chuunin. With Sasuke back to train against, he'll definitely make it on the first try, I think."

"Ah! We're all becoming old!" Ino raised her hands in mock surprise. "Then there's Sai. This must all be old news to you, being ANBU already."

"I gave up my ANBU ranking," Sai replied. "I'm no more than a jounin now, as well."

"_Only_ a jounin," Ino laughed and rolled her eyes. "Do you think it's worth it? I mean, you get paid less and you're on a lot less interesting missions now, especially being on a team with three chuunin."

"I've gained a lot more than I left behind." Sai answered honestly, "In Root, I was no one. I had no past and no future, no name, and no friends. I am much happier now, having so many friends, and learning new things every day. I feel like I am a person, not simply as though I am acting like someone who might be a normal person."

"Oh, Sai," Sakura leaned over and quickly squeezed his shoulders in an odd sort of hug. "I'm glad that you like being part of our team, because honestly, even though we had a rough beginning, I really couldn't imagine the team without you, now."

Sai turned to her, wanting to thank her for saying such a kind thing, but he found the words were caught in his throat, and he was so fascinated with the tears glistening in her bright green eyes, with the open, raw emotion in her face. He wanted to go home, so he could paint that moment, so that he could always look at the way she was looking at him, so he could always have the warm feeling that flooded his chest at that moment. At the same time, he didn't want to move, or to go anywhere. He wanted the moment to stretch into eternity, he wanted…something. He wanted to show her that what she was saying, with her sincerity etched in a face that was as familiar to him now as though it had been burned into him, meant more to him than anything he could remember in the sad vestiges of a life he had once lived before leaving Root. He tried to imagine what his world would be like without her, and he realized that he _couldn't_. There was no conceiving of such a place. It was nothingness. Sakura was life. And his other friends, of course…but she was somehow different, and if he could only define what it was about her…

"Oh, Sakura, do you have a crush on Sai!" Ino squealed, ending in a trail of high giggles that utterly destroyed the moment and killed his train of thought. "I told you he looks a lot like Sasuke! And now that Sasuke's taken, your time has come to strike out into new territories! Look how happy I am with Shikamaru."

"Ino-pig, it's nothing like that between us." Sakura was brilliantly red and staring steadfastly at her empty plate. "Honestly, don't mistake things. You can be such a pain sometimes. I don't know how Shikamaru puts up with you. You know the bonds that exist between teammates! That doesn't mean we're…"

"Oh, yes, well, Shikamaru and I used to _just_ be teammates." Ino pointed out in a teasing tone. Sai's face felt hot, and he realized that he was blushing as well, but at the same time, he was thinking of what Ino was saying. "So did Naruto and Sasuke! So did Hinata and Kiba!"

"What?" Sakura looked up, her blush fading. "What about Kiba and Hinata? Did something happen?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you in all the excitement about Sasuke and Naruto!" Ino rolled her eyes and slapped her own forehead. "Yeah, while you were gone, Neji went to Tsunade and told her he was going to move away, to go seek his fortune or whatever. Something. Anyway, so he got her permission to move away, but he didn't even _ask_ the Hyuuga clan, so they went crazy, saying he couldn't leave, because the clan needed him, and he got into this _huge_ argument with his uncle. I don't know, I heard he said that he wished he'd been born blind so he wouldn't have ever had to know him, and threatened to leave his eyes and strike out without them so that he wouldn't be taking anything too important to the clan. And it was getting out of control, so Hinata steps in and that only heats him up more, and in the end she _insists _to her father that if he won't allow Neji to live his life then she's leaving the family and he can find another heir…or something like that. So Hinata ran away from home and laid low at Kiba's house while Neji skipped town without his uncle's blessing or his permission. Which is why you haven't seen him. It was all anyone was talking about before you came back, how Neji is a missing-nin now, but he's _not_, after all, because he got permission from the Hokage, which really is what counts, but no one knows where he went, except I bet Hinata knows something, but like she's going to tell anyone. So anyway, she was staying with Kiba, and it turns out she's actually been over Naruto for a little while now, which is good, considering the whole Naruto and Sasuke thing, but basically, it turns out that they're actually together now. Which surprised me, but not nearly as much as _this_, you know, I mean, who would have thought, the last Uchiha saying to hell with it and shacking up with another guy, leaving his clan to die out." They sat in silence for a few moments digesting Ino's extensive story. Sai had a shrewd idea he knew where Neji had gone, and he was pretty sure Sakura knew, as well.

"I think it's romantic," Sakura spoke up, her tone softer than it had been. "I mean, he's giving up everything else to be with Naruto, and Naruto's doing the same. Isn't that the true meaning of love? Doing anything for someone because you want, more than your own happiness, for that person to be happy."

Sai was shocked. It was the first time he had heard her talk about Sasuke and Naruto and sound like she genuinely wished them well, like she was actually glad to have lost Sasuke's heart. He wondered if it was normal for medic-nin to be this selfless, or if Sakura was a special case. As he watched her, he saw a tear fall from one eye, glistening as it fell over the line of her cheek and he realized that at some point, he had come to see Sakura as something beautiful. He wondered how that could be. He had always thought that beauty was something that had nothing to do with emotions, but now, he knew differently. Somehow, looking at her made him happy, and it made him want to keep looking.

"Sakura, that was sweet," Ino smiled warmly at her old friend. "When Shikamaru and I get married, will you be my maid of honor? I want you to do the speech."

"You two are getting married?!" Sakura was shocked out of her contemplative mood, her eyes wide as saucers.

"Well, he hasn't asked me yet," Ino stretched and flexed her fingers as though preparing for a battle, "but it's too soon still. Give me three months. I plan for him to plan to propose after he gets promoted, so he better not mess it up."

"Ino, you are unbelievable," Sakura collapsed in laughter. "You can't plan for him to plan to…are you crazy?"

"You wait." Ino assured them, standing up to leave. "We've been dating for over half a year, you know he's got to be thinking about it, and this would be the _perfect_ opportunity." They watched her leave the restaurant with no small amount of disbelief.

"Do you think he will propose to her?" Sai asked, curious.

"Well, he better." Sakura shook her head and stood up with him, also preparing to leave. "I've seen that look in her eye before. If she doesn't get a ring, or if he doesn't make jounin, he'll be wishing he'd never been born."

"Or never fallen in love with her?" Sai suggested, and Sakura started laughing again, patting him on the back as they walked out into the cold early evening air.

"Exactly," she smiled warmly at him. "I'm glad you were there today, or it would have been unbearable." She leaned over and gave him a hug before leaving for home. Sai stood watching until she disappeared from sight before going home.

He was up all night drawing. When morning came, the sun fell on scattered pictures, some half finished, some rather detailed, all of one subject. Pink hair, green eyes, and a thousand angles and expressions.

Sai was still sketching, trying to put whatever it was he was feeling into the pictures, and failing to make sense of anything.

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To be continued…


	9. Chapter 9

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 9

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"Hey, are you guys going to train?" Ino ran to catch up with Sai and Sakura who were walking toward the edge of town. "Can I come with?" she immediately asked before asking for an answer to the previous question.

"Don't you usually train with Shikamaru and Chouji?" Sakura raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Where are your boys?"

"I don't think they'd like you calling them that," Ino giggled slightly at the term Sakura had chosen. "Chouji's getting special training from his dad today on a special technique, and Shikamaru's busy coordinating _another_ chuunin exam with Temari."

"She is the Sand ninja, correct?" Sai asked Sakura, who nodded. "She visits here quite often, and she is always with Shikamaru when she does come. Is he a good friend of hers?"

"Well, it's his assignment, it isn't like he wouldn't _rather_ be with me." Ino gave a big smile that Sakura easily recognized of her being unsure of herself, but not wanting anyone to guess that. "He always complain about how troublesome she is, always nagging and telling him what to do."

"That's interesting." Sai frowned slightly. "Have you noticed, that is exactly the way he describes you?" Sakura winced and looked at Ino warily, but the blonde had frozen mid step, her mouth slightly ajar and her blue eyes distant with consideration.

"Shit." Ino cursed, and leapt to a rooftop, turning in the direction she'd come from at a sprint.

"Great, good job, Sai," Sakura threw up her hands. "I sometimes wonder if you're happier when other people's lives are in a mess." She leapt to follow Ino and turned back. "Well? You started this, come on, let's go fix it before things get really hostile between Konoha and the Sand."

"What do you mean?" Sai asked, following her, but Sakura didn't look back or bother to answer. Sai suddenly had the sinking feeling that he had angered Sakura again, and he had no clear idea of what he had done wrong this time, either.

"Where…oh shit," Sakura hissed when she paused to try to see where Ino had disappeared to and heard a loud crashing sound, and immediately leapt down to the street, racing into an alley, which seemed to be the location of a sudden violent scene. Sai raced after her and saw Shikamaru picking himself up off the ground, grumbling and rubbing his head while Ino and Temari stood very close together, tension thick between them.

"I don't know if he forgot to _mention_," Ino was practically growling at the other blonde. "But he's taken."

"We weren't doing _anything_." Temari hissed back, her stance rigid, and her hand resting on a kunai handle. "He was just showing me around."

"Showing you this lovely alley?" Ino's arm swept out to indicate their surroundings. "You know, I don't really think someone who's been to Konoha that often should _need_ a guide. I think you can get around fine on your own."

"I'm an ambassador, it's _customary_ to have someone accompany me so that nothing happens." Temari answered coldly.

"Oh yeah? You afraid someone's going to attack you?" Ino pulled out a kunai, flashing the blade menacingly.

"Like a crazy jealous girlfriend?" Temari pulled out her own kunai and brandished a second one in her other hand.

"I don't think it was really _necessary_ for you to hold his arm!" Ino snapped back, also pulling out a second kunai.

"I don't think it was necessary for you to attack a foreign dignitary!" Temari answered angrily.

"Would you two knock it off?" Shikamaru rarely raised his voice, so the sound of him shouting drew everyone's attention immediately. "What the hell is going on here? Ino, you _know_ I always have to walk Temari around every time she comes to Konoha. I've been doing this for years now. I thought you guys liked each other. You two are both being troublesome, and I don't have the patience to watch you fight it out and take you to the hospital afterwards, so just put those away and knock it off, and I'll pretend not to be pissed that I just got thrown against a wall for _nothing_."

"Nothing!" Ino cried out in outrage. "Nothing! You were taking her back here to do…something! I could tell! I could see you smiling! She was holding your arm!"

"I just grabbed him because I was telling him something funny, I wasn't trying to do anything like that!" Temari growled. "I know just as well as everyone else that you two are together. You practically sent out announcements."

"And this is a shortcut." Shikamaru added, his tone still rather irate. "See? We were going to get lunch." He pointed to the other end of the alley, where Ino could see the area of Konoha where most of the food stands and restaurants were. I don't see how you could have thought that Temari and I…honestly, I'm not suffering under any delusions. I know that you aren't with me for my looks. And Temari doesn't think of me like that at all, right?" he prompted, still looking at Ino in slight annoyance.

"R…right." Temari looked down, her cheeks going slightly pink, and Sakura almost gasped in surprise as she realized that Temari was lying. She was interested in Shikamaru, but was bowing out, since he had chosen to be with Ino. So it seemed Ino's concerns weren't entirely unfounded.

"And I don't have any interest in her." Shikamaru continued, not aware of what had just been unwittingly revealed to Sai and Sakura, the only ones watching Temari enough to notice her expression, to see the way she cringed when he said those words. "You're a pain in the ass, and you're constantly being troublesome. Pulling something like this is so typical of you. This is exactly the reason I didn't want to have a girlfriend, but I'm still with you, and it's for the same reason that I would never try anything with anyone else. You know how I feel, but you doubt me. How is that supposed to make me feel? We're teammates, don't you trust me at all?"

"Oh, Shikamaru," Ino ran forward and hugged him, kissing his cheeks and neck as she threw her arms around him. "I love you, too! I'm sorry, I just…I don't know, you don't really say how you feel a lot, and sometimes it makes me wonder."

"Fine, I'll say it every day if it means you won't clobber me out of nowhere again." Shikamaru kissed her forehead, a slow smile working its way over his lips. "Just don't doubt me again, I do love you, no matter how annoying you can be."

"You know, I never get upset when you get jealous," Ino pointed out as they walked away together, seemingly having forgotten all about Temari, who sighed heavily and made to follow her escort and his girlfriend. "I don't think it's very fair."

"Yeah, I don't beat the crap out of you for talking to other guys, though." Shikamaru pointed out. "I don't even hit them."

"That's because you're lazy." She giggled, and Shikamaru shrugged, neither confirming nor denying her words.

"You know," Sakura turned to Sai, her eyes a little sad. "I don't think I feel like training today. I have some things I need to do, anyway. I'm sorry, can we maybe do this tomorrow instead?"

"That would be fine." Sai felt disappointment as she began to turn away, and suddenly spoke up without thinking about it. "Could I help you with your other tasks?"

"Oh," Sakura stopped and turned back to face him, surprise clear on her face. "Well…I mean, I don't know if you can really help. I just had to…well, you can keep me company if you'd like."

"Certainly." Sai followed her, feeling happy once more. "Could I ask you something, Sakura?"

"Okay." She answered, turning down a street as they walked at a leisurely pace.

"I can see that you are upset," he went on, and she glanced at him, clearly not expecting that. "And I believe that it has something to do with what we just witnessed, so I did not want to ask you a question about it if it would only upset you more."

"Sai," Sakura smiled at him, "you're so different from when I first met you. You've learned so much, and you really…you really know how to be a good friend. It's okay, though, you can ask me whatever you like."

"Does it seem to you that Temari is in love with Shikamaru?" he asked, his brow furrowed in the way it always was when he asked a question he really wanted the answer to. "I thought that perhaps she might be, but I realized it would be better not to say anything." He couldn't keep the slight tinge of pride out of his voice, and Sakura giggled lightly.

"Yeah, I think she might be. I mean, maybe we're just misreading the situation." She answered, making another turn that brought her home into view. "The thing about this is that even though you think that I know a lot, that I can always see how everyone is feeling, I really can't. No one can. No matter how hard you study, or how much time you spend watching people and learning all their little quirks, sometimes you'll see that even your closest friends can be…" she trailed off, and when Sai looked over at her, he saw that she was scrubbing at her eyes. He realized that she was thinking of Sasuke and Naruto, but he didn't say that. He knew that if he said it…it wouldn't really help anything. It wouldn't make her feel better, and if anything, it would only make her feel worse. What he wanted was for her to smile.

He realized that the situation they had just witnessed was different from hers, but that she probably sympathized with Temari, who had probably never even told Shikamaru how she felt, and likely never would. Sai wondered if Shikamaru would be with Ino if Temari _had_ said something, and he thought that Temari must wonder the same thing every day. But then, surely, with time, she would learn to be happy for them, and she would still be friends with Shikamaru, and even Ino. It was pointless to fight against something as overwhelming and unpredictable as love, and Temari had learned that by fighting against it, she had lost her chance. But if what Naruto had said to him was true, and he thought that it must be, then there would be another chance. Perhaps she was meant to lose Shikamaru, so that she would learn to acknowledge her feelings the next time. Maybe it had been fate all along, and she would one day find someone who she loved more than she had ever loved him. And maybe the same was true for Sakura. Maybe there was a reason she had loved Sasuke, even though he could never return her feelings. Maybe there was someone else for her, who would make her happier than he ever could.

He was excited by this idea, and turned to Sakura, who had stopped now, since they had reached her house, but before he could speak, she rubbed her face and gave him a fake smile. "Sorry!" she attempted a laugh that did not sound as though she meant it at all. "Sometimes I still feel…I mean, I'm happy for them, I really am." He followed her into the house, and was slightly surprised when instead of going to her room, she led him out the back and into her yard, where he saw a small garden. "I just…sometimes I wonder why I had to go through this, you know? What's the point of me falling in love with someone who could never possibly love me? Did I do something horrible to deserve this? I mean, I used to…when I was younger, I could be…cruel to Naruto, and I think…maybe this is my punishment." She picked up a trowel and a watering can and knelt down, beginning to pull weeds without any further ado. She wiped her face again and this time left a smudge of dirt under her eye. "I can't…seem to stop crying." She stood up again, tossing her trowel aside carelessly. "I can't…I can't do anything right now. Maybe…you should just go, I don't really know if I can entertain. I just…" she shuddered and made a noise halfway between a sob and a laugh, scrubbing at her eyes, Sai moved forward, reaching out as though to touch her face but stopping short and dropping his hand back to his side.

"Sakura, I have learned many things while studying love." He told her. "I have learned more than anything else, that for every person, love is different, but similar. I have come across many ways of thinking, and I thought that I might share one with you."

"Yeah?" Sakura wiped her arm bands over her face in a futile attempt to wipe away the dirt and tears, blinking at him with eyes still brimming with dampness.

"I think that you were never meant to be with Sasuke, and Temari was never meant to be with Shikamaru. I think that there was a reason for each of you falling in love and being disappointed. Perhaps Temari has learned that next time, she must share her feelings if she wishes them to be returned. I cannot see the logic behind all of it, but what I mean to say is that I think that you will both have another chance. You will find someone you love again, and this time, you will be allowed to have happiness. I do not think it was meant to be a punishment, though I don't doubt that it feels that way. I think that you have learned something, or that this has somehow made it possible for you to fall in love again. Next time, I think it will be with the one person who is meant for you, and you will find true happiness. I see in many examples that happiness does not often come with one's first love. Hinata had to lose Naruto in order to find Kiba, who was beside her through everything else. Naruto had to lose you in order to find that he loved Sasuke. Ino had to give up on Sasuke before she was able to see Shikamaru and what he could mean to her. I think that you will love again, Sakura, and I think that it will have a much happier ending this time. And I think that when that happens, you will not be so sad anymore."

"That's…very nice to say," Sakura sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes with a dirty knuckle. "But life isn't always so nice…what if I have my heart broken again? I don't know if I can even let myself love anyone, knowing what could happen, knowing how it hurts."

"If your heart is broken again, then I will have the chance to be a better friend to you than I was this time, now that I have come to know so much more about it." Sai smiled at her warmly, and she looked at him in surprise, tears still silently cutting through the dirt smeared on her cheeks. "Here, you're covered in dirt." He reached forward, and brushed at her cheeks with his left hand before pulling the glove off and using it as a rag, wiping at her skin, dabbing at the dampness and cleaning up the smudges of dirt, trying not to be unnerved by the way her eyes widened and bored into him, filled with questions he didn't know how to answer.

"But," she finally spoke as he lowered his hand, not bothering to put the glove back on. "What if I can't fall in love again?"

"You will," he assured her, and when he said it, she almost believed that somehow, she would be able to feel that way again. "Eventually, you will."

"And what if…I always end up alone, like this?" Sakura asked, her voice nearly a whisper.

"You won't," he told her, reaching up his bare hand to lightly catch a tear that was at the corner of her right eye. "And if you did, you would never be alone, Sakura. I am here for you. All of your friends always will be."

"I just…want to have a happy ending," she told him, her shoulders sagging. "But I've started to believe that's only for people who shine brighter, who are extraordinary, like Naruto and Sasuke. I always knew I didn't belong with them, and now I know that in life, no one cares how my story ends. I'm an ordinary character, and I've been forgotten by life."

"You couldn't be," Sai reached out, his hand shaking as he touched her chin, tilting it upward so that she was looking at him. "What part of you is ordinary?"

"Sai," her eyes widened, and the moment between them lengthened, filled with expectation, and he knew that there was _something_ about this, something familiar, and yet utterly foreign, and he had an urge to kiss her. And then he realized with a sudden sense of overwhelming amazement that _this _was what he had been searching for, this was the thing he had been studying so carefully and so assiduously, this is what he had been working for, and still he was surprised by it's sudden appearance.

He was in love with Sakura.

There was something to do in this situation, something that would be perfect, and would perhaps help him become closer to her, and to show her how he felt, but as the epiphany came to him, he felt a wave of fear wash over him.

She still loved Sasuke. He would have to _work_ to win her over, and he wasn't really sure how that was done. It was time to study harder than ever.

"I have to go," he turned, leaving a stunned Sakura watching him, but he paused at the door and turned back to her. "Sakura?"

"Y—yes?" she was still completely confused by the intensity of the moment they had just shared.

"Please smile." He told her, and a soft curve turned her lips upward. "You're very ugly when you cry." And he left at a speed that said he knew an attack would come if he waited around.

But Sakura noticed as she turned back to her medicinal herb garden that she was no longer crying. It was odd, but somehow, perhaps without even meaning to, Sai had made her feel better.

It seemed as though he could understand her better than…Sakura flushed, banishing that train of thought and bending to her gardening.

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To be continued…


	10. Chapter 10

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 10

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"If you love someone," Sai looked up from the shogi board. Ino had thrown up her hands in exasperation halfway through a game and left the room. Sai had taken over her spot and was now playing against Shikamaru. "How do you make them love you back?"

"What?" Shikamaru had been concentrating on his move, and now he looked up in surprise. "Make them love you?"

"Yes," Sai barely glanced at the board before making a move, and Shikamaru's brow furrowed as he clearly tried to understand Sai's strategy. The trick, of course, was that Sai was not using a strategy. He was not playing the game seriously, as he only wanted this chance for love advice, anyway, and it seemed Shikamaru was a lot friendlier with people when they played shogi with him. "You see, I've decided to ask only people who were successful at this. For instance, it would not make sense for me to ask Chouji this question, as he has yet to express a serious interest in making someone love him, and therefore knows quite as much about it as I do, I would expect."

"Well, you're making it sound like a mission," Shikamaru answered after he finally moved. "That's your first mistake. You can't treat girls like they're assassination targets or whatever, they wouldn't like it. And every person is different, too, so it isn't like there's just one way to win someone over. Also, stop saying you're going to _make_ them love you. It makes you sound like you're going to use force, which also wouldn't really help you."

"Ah, I see," Sai moved again without paying any attention to what he was doing, much to Shikamaru's consternation. "For my edification, how did you make…I mean, how did you _win over_ Ino?"

"There you go," Shikamaru smiled suddenly, clearly realizing that Sai _had_ no strategy. It was rare that he overestimated his opponent, but he had really expected more from Sai. He was playing like Naruto, and in that case, Shikamaru knew how to win easily. "Wait, why do you want to know about Ino?"

"I could ask you about Temari, but I don't think you attempted to have her love you." Sai explained. "Don't worry, I am not going to ma—win over Ino. You see, I am in love with Sakura, and I am determined to do my best to win her over."

"Wait…what the…" Shikamaru looked up, totally forgetting where he meant to place the piece in his hand. "What about Temari? What do you mean?"

"She is in love with you," Sai explained. "Sakura and I both noticed."

"No…that's not," Shikamaru let out a nervous chuckle, clearly going over his own observations and trying to see what they were saying. "That just…that doesn't make any sense. Ino's the attractive one. There's no way I could have two women who want…"

"Oh," Sai touched his chin thoughtfully. "That may have been better not to tell you, am I correct? I thought since Temari was not here to become upset, it was not like the Kiba situation. I thought you had noticed. You are rather smart, I've seen."

"So are you," Shikamaru buried his head in his hands. "But you have no _clue_ about what people are thinking half the time. Great, this is just what I need. Okay, promise me something, and I'll help you as much as I can."

"Certainly." Sai straightened up, excited that he seemed to be getting a lot more cooperation from Shikamaru than usual.

"Promise not to say _anything_ to Ino about what you think about Temari, okay?" Shikamaru asked, and Sai tilted his head in confusion. "I don't want the Leaf and the Sand to have to go to war because the Kazekage's sister is dead."

"What do you…" Sai cut his question short, noticing that Shikamaru did not really like to talk about this, and possibly would withdraw his offer if he kept on the subject. "Yes, of course, I promise not to say anything."

"Okay, good," Shikamaru shook his head wearily. "Hopefully you're wrong. If not…I don't know, I'm sure she'll just get over it. I mean, it's not like I'm encouraging her. But just in case…maybe I'll ask Tsunade to have someone else assigned to her."

"You said you would help me now." Sai was ignoring the shogi board. It didn't matter, now he could get help without having to pretend to pay attention to the game. "What should I do?"

"I don't really know." Shikamaru rubbed his neck and tried to concentrate on the shogi board, eventually realizing what he had meant to do with the piece in his left hand and placing it back on the board. "I mean, with Ino, I wasn't really making any attempts. I thought she was still in love with Sasuke, so I knew it would only be a waste of time to do anything. But I guess…well, we have known each other a long time. She said that she liked how I took her seriously in battle…and I don't know. One day she just came to me and said that she had decided that I would make a good boyfriend, so I had better go on a date with her. It was really weird, but from Ino…that's just the way she is. Sometimes I think how troublesome she is, but she does motivate me. Without her, I don't think I would have ever got the motivation to try for jounin. She seems really brash and like she isn't paying attention to anything but her hair and if her shirt brings out her eyes or whatever it is girls care about, but then she'll sometimes say things that make me realize that there's a lot more to her than most people think. I guess she made me see there's more to me, too." Shikamaru flushed and shook his head furiously. "I don't know if I'm really any help here."

"That is a little help, I suppose. Maybe I will have to ask Ino what made her love you." Sai rubbed his chin and pulled his notepad out, quickly making a few notes, just as the woman in question came back into the room.

"Are you two _still _playing?" she asked in exasperation, and Sai turned to her eagerly.

"No, I'm simply moving the pieces about so that Shikamaru will continue to share information with me." He told her, "However, now that you have come back, I was just hoping to speak to you. As you know, I have been studying love very carefully."

"He wants you to help him figure out how to get with Sakura." Shikamaru interrupted, clearly a bit annoyed to have no one to play shogi with anymore. "He's finally realized that he's in love with her, see."

"Excuse me," Sai turned to Shikamaru loftily. "It is not acceptable to reveal people's personal feelings like that. I should know, I get in trouble almost every time I do it."

"Wonderful, you've gotten to the point where your social grace is better than Shikamaru's." Ino sighed heavily and sat down between them, at the head of the table they were playing shogi on. "You know, I always knew this day would come."

"I could wait around for you two to get to the point if I wanted to," Shikamaru grumbled. "It's just too troublesome."

"Yeah, okay," Ino turned to Sai and suddenly giggled sharply. "So you're finally ready to really seriously go after Sakura? I was wondering when you would be."

"Well, you see, I only just fell in love with her yesterday." Sai explained. "At about 2:35 pm. We were in her yard, you see—"

"Sai, you idiot," Ino giggled and patted his hand to show she didn't mean any insult, "Of course you didn't _just_ fall in love with her! You've been in love with Sakura for…well at least since around the time you first started this whole love studying business. I knew what you wanted from the start, but once I realized that _you_ didn't really know, I decided to let you come to it in your own time. One of the things about love is that you can be in love with someone for _ages_ and not know it until something just opens your eyes one day."

"Is that so?" Sai scribbled a note. "That explains the drawings."

"Whatever," Ino brushed the comment aside. "Now that you're finally ready for some _real_ advice, I don't even know where to start. Oh! She loves daffodils, and pink, and she really cares about people, which is why she wanted to be a medic-nin. She's really smart, and she's read about every medical book in the library, along with most of the ones that go into theory of ninjutsu and all that stuff. Also, we know she likes mysterious, quiet, kind of emotionally unavailable guys, and that's really pretty perfect for you. Plus, you look a _lot_ like Sasuke, so I don't think it will be hard—"

"No," Sai's voice was sharp, and at the surprised looks from Ino and Shikamaru, he gave a small cough and began again in his more normal, calm tone. "No, I don't want for her to simply use me as a replacement for Sasuke. If I cannot make her affections transfer to me, then I will simply have to utilize the experience as a unique chance to gain a better understanding of heart break through first hand experience. I want Sakura to love me because I am me. I have found, in my research, that most everyone who is in love, or has been in love, seems to share that common reasoning. 'I love her because of who she is,' to paraphrase, for my own situation, and I would hope that I can make the same become true for her."

"Wow, do I ever sound like that?" Shikamaru spoke up after a moment of silence. "It sounds like he has a concussion."

"I'll give _you_ a concussion!" Ino demonstrated by hitting Shikamaru upside the back of his head. "You know, Sai's trying to share his feelings, and you're being a complete ass. Maybe he _would_ be a better boyfriend than you!"

"Oh, I hope so," Sai spoke up. "I don't look forward to fighting so often as you. I would rather be in a relationship along the lines of Kiba and Hinata. They seem to never have any sort of misunderstandings."

"That's because Hinata is a _total_ pushover, and she let's Kiba get away with everything!" Ino threw up her hands in outrage. "Honestly, don't get any advice from _him._ Kiba is a worse boyfriend even than Shikamaru. Everything he does ends badly, at least when your boyfriend never _does_ anything for you, he can't mess it up."

"Exactly," Shikamaru sighed heavily. "You've discovered my strategy to keeping you happy. Complete inactivity. Luckily, that's what I'd prefer to do, anyway, so it works out well."

"Hinata does not seem to think he messes things up," Sai offered. "She said the dinner he made her was romantic."

"It was outside, and it _rained_!" Ino pointed out. "Plus, Kiba burns everything he cooks."

"Some people," Shikamaru had returned his attention to the shogi board and seemed to be playing himself, so they were both surprised when he spoke up again. "Think that the thought is what counts. Some people are impossible to please. Guess what kind Ino is."

"Okay, would you stop?" Ino huffed at him. "You're doing a really bad job of being a good example for poor Sai! He's in love with a girl who loves someone else! Think of how that must feel!"

"Don't get so worked up," Shikamaru grumbled, turning back to his board, muttering "troublesome," under his breath.

"Just ignore him. Honestly, I'm the one who had the initiative, or else he would have pined after me _forever_." She nobly ignored Shikamaru's sudden snort of laughter and continued. "It was lucky for him that I was already thinking of him in that light, or he wouldn't have been able to win me over _ever._ Now with Sakura, you'll have to actually put the work in. You're already good friends with her, so you shouldn't have any trouble just asking her on a date."

"I don't think that's a good idea." Shikamaru offered, and she hit him once more, without even looking over.

"No one asked _you_." She smiled too brightly at Sai. "Do you need any help, or do you think you'll be able to ask her out on your own?"

"Well, I did read a book about that sort of thing, as you know. I even finished that chapter on _signals_ I was telling you about." Sai told her assuredly. "I know all about when it is right and when it is wrong to…er, put the moves on. I think I may need to practice my flirting, though. It didn't seem to work."

"Well, I already had a boyfriend." Ino reminded him, "And anyway, you're the worst flirter in the world. I can teach you some things to say, though!"

"Excellent," Sai turned a page in his notebook and leaned forward. "Please, go on."

"Excuse me," Shikamaru had finished his game, so he was watching them again. "I know that _Ino_ doesn't think I have anything important to say, but I really don't think it's a good idea to just ask Sakura out on a date out of nowhere. I mean, isn't she still in love with Sasuke? Won't she just say no?"

"That is a good point." Sai sat back a little, doubt crossing his features like a cloud.

"Come on!" Ino heaved a long suffering sigh. "You told me she's known about this since back when you started your…project, so that's been _months._ I'm sure she's over him now."

"Don't you think she's a little more steadfast than that?" Shikamaru asked.

"It's been ages, Shikamaru. She's ready for something new!" Ino exclaimed.

"So if we broke up, in eight months or so, you'd be ready for something new?" he asked her, his eyebrow twitching slightly. She burst into laughter and hugged him warmly.

"Oh! That's _different_, you actually love me back! Sasuke's never loved her, it must be way easier to get over." Ino theorized.

"I think her feelings are a bit deeper than that." Sai spoke up. "And in any case, she told me that she would always love him, even if she did move on."

"Then you see! No point waiting." Ino assured him. "Okay, so I'm going to teach you some _really _smooth things to say to her, and that will sort of…warm her up. Then you just bring her some flowers and ask her out and that's it! No guy has ever really showed much interest, it shouldn't be too hard to flatter her or anything."

"No one showed interest in you, but you're still impossible to please." Shikamaru offered, and she brought her fist down right on top of his head this time. He decided that maybe this wasn't a situation where his opinion would help anyone. Mostly because he was sick of getting beaten up by his girlfriend.

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To be continued…


	11. Chapter 11

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 11

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"Okay, I think you're ready, but I want to test you before we set you loose on Sakura." Ino tapped her lips as a very sullen looking Shikamaru trailed behind them. "So I'm going to find you someone to flirt with, and we'll see how you do, all right?"

"This is ridiculous." Shikamaru opined, and Ino ignored his opinion, as she had been doing for the last three hours.

"Let's see, who might…oh! Okay, go over there. See that girl window shopping? Go see if you can make her blush."

"Blush?" Sai narrowed his eyes with the determination of any ninja on a serious mission. "Got it." He walked away and Ino shoved Shikamaru back around a corner where they could watch Sai without being seen.

"Come on…keep it together, Sai," Ino was silently cheering for her student, and Shikamaru seemed to have at least a small amount of interest in what would happen. They could see him saying something, and the girl answered, smiling brightly. "Good! Did you see that! Good!" Ino squeezed Shikamaru's arm and he frowned disconsolately. Suddenly, the girl slapped Sai and ran away, and her excitement evaporated, just as Shikamaru started laughing.

"The mission was successful." Sai reported, much to Ino's shock. "I certainly made her blush."

"You also made her _slap_ you!" Ino pointed out in annoyance. "Tell me exactly what happened!"

"I told her that her blouse was very lovely, like you told me." Sai reminded her. "You told me to choose something about her and tell her it was lovely."

"Yes, yes, very good. I could see she liked that."

"Yes, she said that was very nice of me to say." Sai continued. "But I could see right away that she would not blush with something so simple. I had not succeeded with my first line, so I had to try another line, and this time, I knew I had to give it my full determination."

"What did you _say_?!" Ino asked in desperation.

"Well, you told me that another good thing to say is a suggestion of something you would like to do with her that might imply intimacy, something that the two of you would do alone. I immediately thought of shopping, since she was looking at clothes, clearly shopping. But I did not think that would make her blush, so I told her that I would quite like to put the moves on her."

"No! No you didn't!" Ino threw her hands up and swayed dramatically. Shikamaru laughed out loud, thoroughly enjoying himself. After a few moments of horrified devastation, Ino straightened herself, and addressed Sai in a disheartened tone. "Okay, some suggestions. _Stop_ using that phrase, right now! I never want to hear you talking about putting the moves on anyone!"

"What should I say, then?" Sai asked. "Would it be better if I had just asked her to have sex?"

"No!" Ino shrieked, and a few passersby turned to see what the commotion was, so she went on more quietly. "No, Sai, no. Don't ever just ask a girl something like that. Don't you see what's wrong with that?"

"But you said the point of flirting was to let the other person know that you are attracted to them without saying it. I would certainly only want to have sex with someone I was attracted to." Sai pointed out.

"He makes a valid point." Shikamaru was barely able to get the words out without bursting into laughter again, and Ino shot him a deadly glare.

"Okay, I think you need to think about being polite while still being flirtatious. You've read about etiquette, right?" Ino asked, and Sai shook his head in denial. She sighed heavily. "Well. That explains a lot. We'll need to get you a couple books on that before you can continue with this, because it's pretty clear to me that you really don't understand the difference between subjects that are unacceptable and ones that are appropriate. You can't just proposition someone you've only just met."

"I see. But since we are friends, I could proposition you?" he asked, his brow furrowing as he began taking notes. "I mean to say, if you weren't already in a relationship. I recall that it is not a good thing to ask someone already in a relationship to start up a relationship with yourself." He glanced at Shikamaru, who was still too busy laughing at his failures to be jealous or upset by what he had said without thinking.

"No, you can't proposition people really at all. Even if Shikamaru were to turn to me and ask me to have sex, I would slap him like that girl slapped you, and I'm his girlfriend." Ino explained.

"Then how does he get sex if he wants it?" Sai frowned. "Oh, wait, I think I understand. Ino, you are a virgin."

"That—that has nothing to do…" Ino blushed furiously. "Okay, if you _must_ know, yes, yes I am. But even if Shikamaru already did those sorts of things, it's not appropriate for him to just say 'Let's have sex,' especially with you right here. That's a private subject, and it isn't something to be suggested in public, really. So now do you see why that girl was so offended?"

"I think that this system of rules makes it far too difficult. Let me ask Shikamaru a question. If Ino turned to you and asked you for sex right now, would you be offended?" Sai turned to the man, who laughed nervously and coughed slightly.

"That question is silly, I wouldn't do that." Ino spoke up before Shikamaru could say anything.

"But if you did. Hypothetically." Sai asked. "I've noticed there are many differences between perceptions of behavior between men and women, and I would be interested to know if it would upset Shikamaru the way it would upset you."

"This is stupid!" Ino threw up her hands, her face bright red. "Sai, don't come back to me until you know about etiquette. And don't ask questions like that! They're too…private."

"Oh, I apologize." Sai nodded slightly. "I thought that you wanted to share any information you could that might help me, but I see now that there are things that you are not comfortable discussing in your own relationship. I will have to address my questions elsewhere, with a couple that is more comfortable with the subject of sex. Could you suggest such a couple?"

"You can't just…" Ino buried her face in her hands. "You don't know _anything_ about our relationship! You can't make judgments based on that! I have the right to keep some things private, and it's none of your business whether I want to talk about that or not!"

"That's enough, come on," Shikamaru put a comforting arm around her waist, calming her down. "Let's go get something to eat, we can talk to Sai later, okay?" and just that quickly, Sai was left alone on the street, watching them go. It struck him once more that he seemed to have a knack for saying the wrong thing, for making the situation worse, and for alienating people he wanted to be close to.

­_If I cannot even treat my friends properly, it seems impossible that I would be able to make a girlfriend happy. From what I have seen, people expect more sensitivity and consideration from their significant others than from anyone else. That is my weakest point. Even if I could make Sakura fall in love with me, I am sure to drive her away._

He suddenly felt envious of his friends, of their ability to simply know what to do and say in seemingly infinite possible social situations. He would never be like that. No matter how he studied, it seemed to him there was a certain upbringing required, an early socialization that he could never replace, no matter how many books he read or how many people he observed.

"_You should never believe that there's something wrong with you because you can't be perfect all the time. That's what makes you human, and that's what makes you a good friend and a good person."_

He could still remember Sakura's words that day in her room. She had filled him with the hope that his way of thinking was not necessarily a handicap, but just a measure of his own personality. He wondered, if there truly was just one person for every other person in the world, one that they were fated to love and to be loved by, just as Naruto theorized. If there was, could the person he was meant to be with be Sakura? She said that his way of thinking made him a good friend, and a good person, but would she think that he could be a good boyfriend, as well? Naruto had many friends, and he cared about them in different ways, because they were different people. But he had only ever truly loved one person, even though he seemed to care about everyone he ever became acquainted with. If someone as friendly and accepting of others as Naruto could be so selective, then it made Sai sure that his chances of being loved by _anyone_ were very slim indeed. He was lucky just to have friends, despite his faults, who accepted him and overlooked his occasional social mistakes. Who in the world would want to be in love with someone like him? Certainly not someone like Sakura. She would want someone as smart as herself, not just when it came to book knowledge, but also someone who could perceive her moods and understand what to do for her in any situation, someone who could match her own social wisdom. She told him that everyone made mistakes, that no one knew what to say all the time, but it seemed everyone knew more about that sort of thing than Sai. Even young children displayed more understanding of sensitivity and perception of emotions.

Sai realized that he was afraid. He was afraid of having his heart broken. He had expressed an interest in it, of course, since the beginning of this study. However, now that he found himself faced with the very likely possibility that he was doomed not to have his feelings returned, he found that the idea of simply hiding his love for Sakura was much more appealing than the prospect of almost certain rejection. Just because she had always been kind to him, even in the beginning, when he had tried his best not to feel anything for her or Naruto or anyone else, just because she had always been patient with him, and forgiven him without fail for anything he did that upset her or anyone else, that did not mean that she wanted to be in a romantic relationship with him. She was patient with Naruto's inattention to explanations, his inability to retain facts and figures, or to understand many things she tried to teach him. She was patient with Sasuke's refusal to acknowledge her feelings, as well as his callous behavior that had barely warmed in all the years that they had known each other, and she had forgiven him for casting her aside in favor of Naruto. She was patient with Ino's short temper, her egotism, and they had remained friends even after a long rivalry. Sakura was just that type of person. It was foolish of him to expect to receive something more from her, when she had treated him no better or worse than any of her friends. She did not owe him anything, and if the truth was to be told, he owed her endlessly for all that she had done for him, to help him grow from someone who had no reason to live beyond the next mission, to someone who could laugh and smile and feel, and who had friends and many people who cared about him. Naruto, by himself, so preoccupied with Sasuke, would never have taken the time to help him foster his ability to interact with other people, but Sakura had answered endless questions, had offered him hours of insight, and had accepted him as a friend even after he had mistreated her and lied to her.

Now he saw how Sakura felt, and why she was afraid. She was concerned that there would never be anyone who she could love that would truly love her. He felt a very real suspicion that while she would certainly be loved by many people throughout her life because of the sort of person she was, he would never find someone who could truly love him, for exactly the same reason. He did not mean to be callous, he did not want to hurt his friends, and he did not mean to say things that would make them feel badly. However, he did these things without fail, and it seemed that was just the sort of person he was. Friendship was a challenge to him, and he felt like love was a challenge he would never be able to meet. Falling in love was easy, it seemed. Being in love was something more difficult than he had ever experienced before. Never on his many high level missions had he thought that the probability of failure was high enough to worry him at all. In battle he was confident. He wished that he could be confident in love as well, but he felt sure that failure was almost a foregone conclusion.

Then, in his mind's eye, he saw Naruto, and he realized that when presented with such an impossible situation, his friend would only be encouraged to try harder than ever before. Naruto was never worried when he was presented with a mission that seemed to be a no-win scenario. He shined brightest in adversity, and had always been able to encourage his teammates to shine brighter as well. If Naruto was in his place, Sai knew that he would not simply hide his feelings, knowing how impossible it was that Sakura could ever feel the same way as he did. Naruto would redouble his efforts. He would do anything he could think of, anything anyone could suggest to him, that might make victory a possibility, no matter how slim the chance, and in the end, he would inevitably prevail. Sai realized that if he wanted to have any chance with Sakura at all, he would have to try his hardest. He would have to call on all his resources, and he would have to believe in himself. He would have to adopt Naruto's attitude that no matter how bleak the situation seemed, he would certainly come out on top.

And if that failed, he would at least know that he had done everything possible to win her over, that no one could say he had simply given up. It was true that he might not be able to make her love him, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, but if there was anything he could do to have the chance…he was willing to try his hardest for her.

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To be continued…


	12. Chapter 12

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 12

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"Hello?" When he saw who was at his door, Iruka could not help being surprised. He barely knew this young man, and what he did know was simply out of concern for Naruto's wellbeing. "Sai-san, correct?"

"Hello," Sai bowed slightly. "Please, you do not need to use name suffixes in my case."

"Um…okay." Iruka frowned slightly in confusion. "I don't believe we've formally met. My name is Umino Iruka."

"Yes, I know about you from Naruto. He speaks of you often." Sai nodded. "May I come in?"

"Okay," Iruka had heard from Naruto that his newer teammate was different from most people, but he had not quite understood what was meant by that. Now he thought he was starting to get an idea. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"Yes, Naruto recommended that if I found myself in need of advice to come to you, as he values your knowledge and tutelage highly." Sai nodded firmly as Iruka shut the door and showed him into the main room.

"Ha, that's ironic to hear from the student I used to think was intellectually unreachable." Iruka laughed slightly. "I never really gave up on him, but sometimes Naruto could drive me to the limit of my patience."

"He is very kind, though." Sai pointed out. "He has a knack for endearing himself to everyone around him."

"That's true," Iruka smiled, feeling a bit reassured that this odd boy at least seemed to think of Naruto as a friend. It seemed that no one was immune to his charms. "Can I get you a cup of tea?"

"No thank you, I would like to concentrate on gathering this advice, and I have other people I need to speak to." Sai's face was completely serious, and Iruka had an idea that Sai must have been as diligent a student as Sakura or Sasuke when learning the art of being a ninja. It was too bad he had been under private tutelage. Iruka gained great joy from teaching someone who genuinely wished to learn.

"That's fine," Iruka offered him a seat on the couch and sat across from him in an armchair. "Now then, what can I help you with?"

"To be honest with you, I seem to have caused myself quite a bit of trouble." Sai replied. "You see, Naruto may have explained to you already that I have been without friends until quite recently, and that I am still trying to learn how to behave around people, how to show them that I would like to be their friends and so on."

"He mentioned that you were a little…under socialized." Iruka replied, and Sai gave him a small smile. It was amazing how such a small expression could so utterly change the impassive face. It was almost like seeing Sasuke actually smile, or Kakashi with his mask off.

"Yes, that's a kind way of putting it." Sai continued. "The trouble stems from a recent incident that inspired me to broaden my studies. I have now taken a greater interest in understanding love, with the eventual aim of somehow experiencing it myself, so that I might be able to understand my friends and their motivations better."

"Oh, I see," Iruka nodded, suspecting this was linked somehow to Sasuke and Naruto, and possibly also Sakura. He was surprised when Naruto had first told him about it, and even more surprised to see that their other teammate seemed to still get along with both young men. He had been sure that Sasuke forsaking Sakura's attentions in favor of Naruto would cause in irreparable rift between the three old friends, and he had been pleased to see that wasn't the case. It seemed she was more mature and a little wiser than he had given her credit for, but she had always exceeded his expectations in school, as well.

"The problem is that I seem to have fallen in love in the course of all this." Sai shook his head abruptly. "No, what I mean to say is that whether I was in love already or not, I cannot really know. However, I am now quite sure that I am in love, and it occurs to me that this was not the most clever plan I could have formulated. After all, I did not think of how it could change me, or how much apprehension I would associate with such a feeling. I understand what love is, but I am now quite concerned that it is not something I am advanced enough to be able to have returned to me."

"Okay," Iruka was momentarily overwhelmed, so he took a breath and thought about what he was being told. "So you love someone now, like you wanted, but now you realize that being in love is difficult."

"Exactly." Sai nodded. "I was considering giving up the whole plan as a loss, but I realized that if I never put my best effort in, I would never have a chance at a higher bond than the ones I have already gained. It seems to me that while love can cause a great sadness in many people, it can also give amazing happiness if it is returned. I wish to be the sort of man that can be loved by the one I care for, but I am not sure how to go about it."

"Oh." Iruka swallowed, suddenly feeling as though he was in a very difficult situation. This was not his area of expertise at all, despite whatever Naruto had told Sai. "Well, I'm not sure how much help I'll be, but I can try to give you some sort of advice. Is it all right if I ask who it is that you are in love with?"

"One of your former students, Haruno Sakura." Sai answered readily. "She is on my team." He added unnecessarily.

"Really?" Iruka's eyebrows rose so high they momentarily disappeared under his hitai-ate. "Well…huh. Funny the way these things work out sometimes."

"How do you mean?" Sai asked, cocking his head with interest and pulling out his notebook so he'd be able to write anything important down. Iruka chuckled, looked at him uneasily and then rubbed the back of his neck in a gesture that was reminiscent of Naruto.

"Ah, nothing." Iruka shrugged it off. "You seem to be her type, if I can say so. She seemed to have quite a crush on Sasuke for many—"

"Excuse me," Sai interrupted, a hint of impatience in his voice. "But I'd really rather you not bring that up. I want her to love me, not a man who looks like Sasuke."

"Oh, of course, I'm sorry," Iruka suddenly felt foolish for even saying it. "I just meant, as far as physical type, there should be no problem there. I understand you have a rather unique artistic talent." He added, suddenly struck with inspiration. "Do you only use your skills for battle, or do you make pictures for leisure, as well?"

"I always have, yes." Sai answered in a flat tone. "It would be foolish not to hone my skills. I think of it like training in some ways. Though it can be…relaxing, in its own way."

"Yes," Iruka felt he was starting to get a grasp on Sai. He was a teacher, after all, it was his job to get through to children. Even prodigy children who were now really too old to be called children, but had all the emotional intelligence of a five-year-old. "Have you thought of drawing her anything? Giving her a token of some sort, a gift that is very special and meaningful would be a great way of showing her how you feel."

"Interesting." Sai rubbed his chin in thought. "I've drawn _her._ I've drawn her so many times I feel like I've perfected every angle, and if I needed to summon her like one of my beasts, no one would know the difference. I wonder what sort of picture would be appropriate to give her, though."

"As an extra piece of advice, I wouldn't compare her to your beast summons." Iruka offered. "I understood the sentiment in what you were saying, but if you are comparing her to something, make it something…flattering. Something beautiful, or something that inspires thoughts of her. Do you see what I mean?"

"Hmm, I think I do." Sai scribbled a few words down. "I had not meant to draw that comparison, but I oftentimes find myself saying things which can be interpreted in a way that is different from what I intended."

"Try thinking before you talk a little more carefully." Iruka went on. "I think right now, you're somewhere between Naruto, who says whatever's on his mind almost all the time, and Sasuke, who you may have noticed says very little, and only says those things he's really thought through. It would probably help you to still say what you're feeling, but it will help you not to just blurt things out as well."

"Yes, I will work on that." Sai nodded sharply. "I have a question, though."

"Yes?" Iruka asked, adjusting his hitai-ate unconsciously.

"If I spend all this time changing things about myself, is it really me that Sakura will be falling in love with, or will it be something I am pretending to be so that I can be with her?" Sai wanted to know.

"You would know." Iruka told him. "You should never just change who you are, but the thing about love is that it requires a lot of consideration and adaptation on both sides. People will always find themselves changing slightly, just as you've changed since you have first become part of Team Seven. Do you feel as though you are not yourself anymore, or do you see the difference there?"

"I think I understand that." Sai was scribbling furiously. "Naruto was right about you. You know many things."

"Er, well, I wouldn't really say I—"

"I'm home!" at the loud greeting and the sound of the door slamming shut, Iruka suddenly went deathly pale, his eyes going wide as he stared at Sai, stood up, and rushed out of the room. Curious, Sai got up and followed him out to the front door, where Iruka seemed to be forcing another man back outside, hissing something about coming back later.

"Hello, Kakashi-sensei," Sai had picked up the habit of calling Kakashi his teacher even though he had only served on the same team with him for under a year simply from always being around Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto. "Why are you visiting Iruka-sensei today?"

"I was just—" Iruka clapped a hand over the older man's mouth and turned to smile nervously at Sai, his cheeks red.

"He was just leaving! I'll visit with you another time, Kakashi-_san_." Iruka hissed, and Sai noticed a moment of shock in the normally unreadable face of the former leader of Team Seven before he put on his all-purpose fake smile.

"Oh, so sorry to come over at an inconvenient time. I will have to return later, _Umino-san_." He hissed the name in a way that seemed odd to Sai, and suddenly, all the pieces seemed to fall into place.

"Wait…" Sai tapped his lips. "You said 'I'm home' when you came in, didn't you?"

"It's just a joke!" Iruka spoke up suddenly, but Sai could see he was lying. "He likes to try and say things to embarrass me, you see, and he just—"

"You two," Sai cut him off, finding no point in listening to a false story. "You're both living here, aren't you?"

"Well," Kakashi spoke up after a moment of tense silence, "it was a favor, you see, while they fix my apartment. There was severe water damage after a freak flash flood which struck only the third floor." Iruka groaned and buried his face in his hands in a way that seemed very much like Ino's reactions.

"And you're in love as well, aren't you?" he made a note in his little notebook and put it away with a sharp nod.

"What—what did you write?" Iruka asked helplessly.

"I've learned something interesting in my studies." Sai answered. "It seems there are a lot of gays in Konoha." Kakashi actually started laughing, while Iruka let out a low moan.

"Please, it's a secret, you can't tell anyone." Iruka plead with him. "Naruto knows, of course, and so does Sasuke. They…they understand. Because of their…situation."

"I don't think it is fair to discriminate against myself or Sakura on the grounds that we are not gay." Sai opined, and Iruka shook his head vigorously.

"That's not what I meant!" he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, making a mess of his ponytail without realizing it. "The way that Kakashi and I…well, it isn't a very popular choice for most people. You must have known how worried Naruto and Sasuke were about what would happen when they came out."

"They did mention that." Sai nodded. "Though I think it is rather silly to judge people differently because you do not approve of who they fall in love with. That is not really a choice. I only just learned that, but it seems that these other people should all know that already."

"Yes, thank you, I know." Iruka waved his hand impatiently. "The point is, if it got out, I would probably lose my job at the Academy, and I really…I really don't want to risk that."

"So I'm forced to be just as secretive about my love life as I am about my missions!" Kakashi exclaimed in a falsely cheerful tone.

"Kakashi, can we please not have this fight right now." Iruka groaned. "Sai, I'm sorry, but maybe it would be better if you came back another day."

"What was he doing here, anyway?" Kakashi looked at Sai speculatively, and it struck him that he really must be quite attractive, as people always seemed to think he had designs on their significant others. That, or he looked like he was always up to no good.

"He's in love with Sakura, he needs some advice." Iruka smiled softly, and Kakashi gave Sai a slightly surprised glance.

"I'm sorry, but I have learned that it is not polite to simply share that information. Only I am allowed to tell." Sai spoke up for himself. Iruka looked at him as if he had grown a second head and let out a short laugh.

"Good luck with that, Sai-kun." Kakashi smiled again. "Do you have any ideas on what you might do?"

"Iruka-sensei advised me to try making her a picture. Also, he said not to compare her to monsters, only nice things." Sai explained, and Iruka sighed heavily before going back to the living room, leaving them alone.

"Here, you can borrow this, but be careful with it. It will teach you more than any person possibly can." Kakashi pressed a small rectangle into Sai's hands before following Iruka. Sai let himself out before looking down at the book in his hands.

_Icha Icha Paradise_.

Shrugging, he opened it and began reading on his way home.

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To be continued…


	13. Chapter 13

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 13

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"Intriguing," Sai closed the book and set it aside, looking out his window and noticing that the whole day had passed him by while he diligently read Kakashi's volume. "It seems I have been making this much harder than it has to be."

He had read the book cover to cover, and he had been fascinated with what it had to say. It showed many scenarios in which people very quickly and easily fell in love, and that had been precisely the material he needed. He had learned that it was easy, you simply had to make some sort of romantic gesture that made your feelings quite clear, and then the other person could not resist returning them, sometimes in a very graphic fashion.

Some of what the book had to say coincided with what he had learned from others. He had seen that if you give someone a meaningful gift, they became rather susceptible to your feelings. He had also learned that a well chosen compliment or flirtatious comment could also have the desired effects. However, discouraged by his recent failings with flirting, Sai decided that he would stick with the gift idea he had originally learned from Iruka.

However, he found that when he tried to think of something to draw for her, he drew a blank. All he could think of was drawing _her_, and he couldn't see why Sakura would want a picture of herself. After all, she already knew better than anyone what she looked like. He tried to think of something that would mean a lot to her, but every time he started to sketch, he was dissatisfied with the picture. It was fine for his own collection, but if he gave a picture to Sakura, he wanted it to be perfect.

Annoyed at his own inability to draw something satisfactory, Sai decided to simply go to sleep and hope that he thought of a solution in the morning. He tossed and turned, his dreams filled with images of Sakura, with half formed ideas of what might happen if he could think of the right thing to give her, and he woke feeling as though he had barely had any rest.

As he showered and dressed, Sai thought about what he could do for her, and finally he pulled out his notepad to review his notes. He was skimming the pages, looking for something useful, when his eyes lit on a word.

_Daffodils_

Flowers! Yes, that was perfect. In the book, when the man gave the woman flowers, he had successfully seduced her, and they had immediately had a very graphic scene, showing his success in having her return his feelings. Sai was sure that Sakura was not quite as worldly as the women in that book, as she hardly seemed the type to sneak into a men's bath and…

That didn't matter, though. Excited to have a plan he was sure would succeed, Sai brushed the charcoal dust off his hands and left his home, heading for Ino's. Once he arrived, rather than head in the side door that led straight up to the actual Yamanaka home on the second story of the building, he went to the front of the building, where there was a flower shop. Ino didn't seem to be working that morning, which Sai was not too worried about, since he was not sure whether she was still angry with him or not. He had read most of a book on etiquette, but it was exceedingly boring and some of the rules seemed quite arbitrary.

Ino's mother greeted him warmly and helped him choose the best flowers for his gift before he paid her and left, feeling rather pleased with himself. In the space of about ten minutes, he had reached Sakura's home, having actually walked, rather than taking the roofs, since he did not want to accidentally damage the flowers. However once he arrived, he was informed that Sakura was working that morning, and he had just missed her. She was looking at the flowers he held with open curiosity, and he debated silently over what to do now. He could save the flowers for later, but he imagined they might wilt by the time Sakura returned home. He could give them to Sakura's mother to give to Sakura, but he was not sure it would work like it had in the book if he just dropped them off like this. Plus, he _had_ read in the book of etiquette that it was always best to deliver gifts personally, to show the sincerity behind the gesture. Certainly, Sai was sincere about his love for Sakura, and his desire for him to return it. That decided it.

Thanking Sakura's mother for her time and information, he turned and left again, this time walking to the hospital.

"Hey, Sai!" he turned at the familiar voice and saw a vaguely annoyed Sasuke as well as a rather enthusiastic Naruto. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing is going on, everything is normal." Sai answered, blinking and wondering why he felt the need to not share information with these two. After all, he was starting to like Sasuke despite himself, and Naruto had been his friend for as long as Sakura. Oddly, he felt a weird burning sensation when he looked at them, and he was not sure why.

"I meant those flowers," Naruto was right next to him now, and Sasuke was making a face that said if Sai caused them to have to delay their errands for any considerable amount of time, he would not be forgiven. "Are they for someone?"

"Yes," Sai was still trying to pin down this emotion, and to figure out whether he was feeling it due to Sasuke, Naruto, or both. "Yes they are."

"Um, well, who are they for?" Naruto chuckled slightly at Sai's behavior. "Or is it like a secret mission?"

"Secret mission?" Sai quirked an eyebrow. "What sort of mission would require flower delivery?"

"It was a joke." Sasuke, clearly annoyed with the pace of this conversation, cut in. "Just tell him what you're doing with the flowers so we can go buy some more damn ramen."

"We're out of ramen," Naruto smiled brightly. "And I wanted some for breakfast, so Sasuke said we could go shopping. That's why he's such a good boyfriend."

"Would you _stop_?" Sasuke grumbled, clearly agitated at having to let Naruto discuss his consideration and positive qualities. "You sound like a woman when you talk like that."

"Well, if _I'm_ the woman, why do—" Naruto's words were cut off by a sharp kata to the back of his neck that temporarily knocked him to the ground.

"No one wants to hear those things!" Sasuke growled as Naruto climbed to his feet, pouting slightly. "And don't make that face. Like that even hurt you."

"Oh! I see," Sai snapped the fingers on his free hand. "I seem to be feeling jealousy."

"What?" Sasuke frowned at him, looked at Naruto and then stepped around him so that he was between the blonde and Sai. "Jealous of _what_?"

"Now that I see what it is, it is rather silly." Sai smiled at them both. "You see, these flowers are meant for Sakura. I am in love with her, it turns out."

"Really?" Naruto shoved Sasuke aside so he could talk to Sai without having to dodge around him. "That's great. Those are her favorite flowers, you know."

"You knew this?" Sai felt the burning twinge again, but now that he understood what it was, he was able to ignore it. "Ino told me only recently."

"Well, I've known her since like…" Naruto held his hand down near the ground to indicate they had been quite small when he had first met the kunoichi. "Anyway, that's great!"

"Yes, it seems I feel slightly jealous, probably because of her feelings for Sasuke, as well as Naruto's old feelings for her." Sai laughed slightly. "Although seeing that you are both so gay, it seems unlikely that I truly have anything to fear."

"Sai…sometimes I wonder if you'll ever nail tact down." Naruto sighed as Sasuke went brilliantly red and stormed away. "Sorry, have to go. Good luck!"

"Ah, thank you!" Sai called after the departing couple and continued on his way. After only a few steps he was stopped again, this time by Kiba and Hinata, who seemed to be enjoying a morning stroll through the marketplace.

"Sai-kun!" Hinata had a hard time dropping name endings, but Sakura had assured him that she still thought of him kindly, so he did not let it bother him. "Those are very nice flowers." She smiled up at him while Kiba looked over in obvious curiosity. "Are they for Sakura-chan?"

"Y—yes," Sai was surprised that she knew what they were for without him needing to explain. It was a bit disconcerting, in fact. "How did you guess?"

"When you are in love, you can see it more easily." Hinata explained simply. "Have you told her your feelings?"

"Not yet," Sai answered, frowning at the flowers slightly.

"You should probably wear something less weird when you do." Kiba pointed to Sai's stomach, and he looked down to see his bare midriff before looking up at them quizzically.

"Is there something wrong with my clothes?" he was suddenly a bit concerned.

"Of course not," Hinata frowned slightly at Kiba, and he wilted as if she had completely told him off. "Don't listen to him. Sakura-chan will not care what you are wearing. It matters that you are you, don't you think?"

"Yes, that is exactly how I feel." Sai felt a great sense of relief, smiling warmly at Hinata. "I want her to love me as myself, and for no other reason."

"Good luck." Hinata patted his shoulder, and turned away with Kiba as they let him continue on his quest.

"Yeah, we'll be rooting for you!" Kiba punched the air enthusiastically before following Hinata.

Sai was still very nervous, but he realized that he felt slightly more at ease knowing that his friends were all hoping he did well. He took a deep breath as he turned a corner and saw the front of the hospital before him. It was odd how ominous and threatening this building could seem, after it had always been nothing more than a place of healing to him before. Suddenly, he felt as though he might be walking to his doom, and he was surprised to realize he was frightened of what might happen. However, he was a ninja. If nothing else, he had always been able to control his emotions when he needed to.

Steeling himself, he entered the hospital, cocking his head to one side as he attempted to locate Sakura's chakra signature. As long as she was healing someone, he would be able to sense a surge of her specific power, and for some reason he did not like the idea of asking the giggling girl at the front desk where Sakura was when he could locate her on his own. After a few moments he resumed walking, hefting the daffodils as if they were a shield and furrowing his brow in concentration, passing by the slightly disappointed girl at the desk and heading up the stairs to the third floor. He felt her signature fade to the point where he could tell she was not doing anything that required medical jutsu at the moment, but now that he had locked onto her location, this did not phase or confuse him. He simply continued, turning down two hallways, passing through a pair of double doors and finally stopping in front of a patient's room.

His nerves were jangling, and he wondered if she would be able to tell how very disconcerted he was, or if he was maintaining a stoic look, as he hoped. He was considering whether or not it would be proper to walk into the room and interrupt whatever she was doing when the doorknob turned, and he felt the blood drain from his face, leaving him paler than he was normally.

"And if you keep off of it, your leg should be as good as new in a little less than a week." She was still talking to the patient, but he could see a flash of pink hair, and the red fabric of her top, the edge of one arm, the hand still resting on the doorknob, and he knew that if he wanted to escape and go home and just learn to try and keep his feelings quietly to himself, he would need to go now. However, he found himself suddenly frozen, and in a panic, he attempted to sense the jutsu holding him secure. He realized when he could not sense anything that it was his own emotions that were doing this. He could not begin to describe such a confusing jumble, but he knew that his heart was beating so loudly he thought it might be audible to Sakura, and his tongue felt glued to the roof of his mouth.

"Oh!" She turned to him, a bit surprised to see someone waiting just outside the door, and she had to stop herself running into him and crushing the flowers he still held stiffly in one hand. "Sai, I didn't know you were visiting the hospital." She smiled warmly at him as she shut the door behind her. "I love daffodils! Did you know, I always bring them to my friends if they get injured or sick? I think they're so cheerful, don't you?" Sai found himself still unable to speak, so he simply stared at her, his eyes wide. She pursed her lips and tilted her head to one side, seeing he wasn't in the mood for conversation. "Who are you here for?"

"You." He thrust the flowers forward, and came close to smashing them into her, but she dodged as naturally as if they'd been sparring. "These are for you. But you aren't sick." He stopped himself and tried to think of what sort of things they said in the book, and found that all he could think of were various sexual propositions. He was debating over whether he should still use one after the incident with the flirting in the market when Sakura smiled brightly and took the flowers he was holding out, blushing brightly.

"Thank you, Sai!" she smelled them and then leaned forward, holding them to one side while she hugged him briefly. "That's so thoughtful! What made you think to get me flowers? I don't think any boy has ever given me flowers, unless you count my dad."

"I wanted to tell you…" Sai wracked his mind, searching for something to say that would be smooth and clever. The main character in _Icha Icha Paradise_ never seemed to struggle like this! Clearly he should have read the book a few more times so that he could master the characterization of that sort of man. He wanted to be able to make Sakura fall in love with him, and no one ever refused that man. "Just a second," Sai felt himself blushing as he had to resort to pulling out his notepad to refresh his memory. He found himself feeling a little more confident as he looked down, possibly because he wasn't staring at Sakura and thinking countless confusing things, a great deal of them dirty.

"Sai?" Sakura frowned slightly as he referred to his notepad, flipping the pages. "What are you…"

"Ah," he paused, suddenly inspired to combine both the knowledge of the book with the advice of Ino and Shikamaru. He cleared his throat, clutching his notepad like a security blanket as he spoke up. "I think you have very nice skin, and I would like to see you naked."

"You…" Sakura's eyes were so wide they looked as though they might fall out of her head. She was slowly attempting to process this information, but as she attempted to wrap her mind around what Sai had just said to her, he swept his arm around her, still holding his notepad as he majestically tilted her low and kissed her rather firmly. This snapped Sakura out of her trance, and she hit him so hard he flew against the wall and dented it, causing him to drop her. "What is _wrong_ with you!?" she shrieked, completely taken aback, climbing to her feet shakily. "You don't just…you can't just…Sai!" she threw up her hands, and he noticed that the daffodils had not fared well when she fell down. He stood up slowly, wincing at a pain in his back and his head.

"Are you seduced?" he asked her. "Or did I do it wrong?"

"You were…" she went red from embarrassment before rage took over. "Sai, that is _not_ love! You could…you could seduce any number of people, and it wouldn't mean _anything_ to you, not really! But we have feelings! You can't just go around, trying to…I don't know you! I don't know you at all! Sometimes I think you're just different, that you just have a hard time trying to say what you mean, but now I realize, you're like…like a machine! You can act like you care about people, you can go through all the motions, memorize the things to say and what to do, but the problem with that is that you aren't feeling _anything_! You don't care about _anyone_! I doubt you have the ability to love, and I can't believe…" she stopped here, rubbing sudden tears from her eyes. "I thought you were my friend. How could you treat me like…"

"Sakura, I am your friend, but I do not wish to be," Sai decided that now was the time for honesty, and to ignore all the clever lines and tricks he had been learning. "Not like we have been, I wish to be like Sasuke and Naruto. Except that you are a girl, so it wouldn't work the same way, I sup—"

"Shut up!" Sakura threw his flowers at him, and hit him right in the face with them. "Just shut up and leave! I don't ever want to talk to you again! I don't want to even see your stupid, blank face! You aren't human!" and with that, she turned and ran away. Sai bent down and picked up the flowers, noting that they looked much like he felt, rather crushed and ill-used.

"I am sorry." He wasn't sure whether he was apologizing to the flowers, or to Sakura, or to himself. His vision blurred, and he realized when he reached up to rub away the obstruction that he was crying for the first time in as long as he could remember.

He left the hospital with the daffodils cradled in his arms, realizing that no amount of knowledge was worth the horrible pain of a broken heart.

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To be continued…


	14. Chapter 14

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 14

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"Sai!" the incessant knocking that he was finally starting to ignore paused as Ino called out loudly from outside his front door. "Sai! Let us in right now!"

He glanced up from his sketchpad at the door, as though considering doing what he was told, but after a moment he returned his attention to his charcoal, the long arc his hand was making, and paused after staring at the picture he had created before tearing it from the book in an almost violent way, crumpling it and tossing it aside. The knocking continued, but at the same time, the yelling suddenly resumed as well.

"Sai! Whatever you could have done, we can fix!" she insisted. "I know she's mad at you, and I know you probably feel like it's over, but it isn't! Things like this aren't meant to be easy, and sometimes you have to try again and again before you get what you want! You can't just quit because she said no to you once!"

There was a pause in the knocking, and he could hear some shuffling and low talking outside, and then he finally heard Ino and Shikamaru walk away. He thought that if he was just unpleasant for long enough and refused to answer them, they would go in search of something else to do. It was odd, he had trouble not pushing his friends away from him on a daily basis, but now when he truly wanted his solitude, he could not seem to summon whatever power it was that he usually used to alienate them.

"You know, there was someone at your door." At the familiar voice, he looked up and saw possibly the last person he would have ever expected to visit his apartment of their own volition. In confusion, Sai turned around to see if Naruto had also snuck in. "Don't worry, I'm here alone. And if you tell anyone about this, I will make you regret the day you decided to join Team Seven."

"Sasuke." Sai was dumbfounded. He tried to think if he had accidentally done something that might make his teammate decide that he needed to hunt him down and kill him. "Why are you here?"

"Because I'm out of my damn mind." Sasuke scowled, and for some reason, this put Sai at ease. Perhaps because he was used to Sasuke scowling or glaring at any given time when he was in the same room. "Look, Sakura came over and is crying and making Naruto comfort her, and it's driving me crazy, because she has a _mother_ for that sort of thing. And I knew if I didn't leave, I'd get dragged into it, and it struck me that you might be behind my ruined afternoon."

"I did not mean to cause everyone strife, but I do not need you to tell me that she hates me. I know that, and I would rather you leave. I am being heart broken, and I find it is better when I am alone." Sai told him, pressing his lips together in annoyance. Now _Sasuke_ was lecturing him on his inability to interact with people? Truly, he could sink no lower. The whole day had been a dismal failure, and he wanted to wallow in his misery without any witnesses.

"You idiot, she doesn't hate you." Sasuke snorted. "I was a complete asshole to her for years, and it only made her that much more determined to follow me like a puppy dog. And anyone patient enough to teach _you_ how to make friends isn't going to completely throw that away because you're horrible at life."

"Thank you, that is just what I needed to feel better." Sai gritted the words out, struggling to maintain a calm demeanor. This love business had all of his emotions in overdrive, and while he usually either ignored Sasuke's deliberately caustic remarks or admired his creative ability to find new and different insults every day, he could feel anger raising in him, and he was not sure he could hold it down in his state. "Now, please, go into more detail about how much she loves you. That is especially wonderful to hear right now."

"You're slower than Naruto." Sasuke shook his head impatiently. "I'm here to give you _advice_."

"Advice?" Sai narrowed his eyes. "Why should I trust anything you tell me? You probably find this all very funny."

"I know we aren't exactly friends." Sasuke answered irritably. "But Naruto cares about you both, and I know he's going to be miserable if you can't fix whatever the hell you did in the first place."

"And you love Naruto." Sai took an odd pleasure in seeing Sasuke flush brilliantly red and look quite flustered. "And Sakura's your friend and you care about her, too. Isn't that right?"

"Do you want to hear my advice, or do you just want me to fire jutsu your collection of Sakura sketches?" Sasuke responded angrily.

"They aren't all…" Sai was suddenly self conscious of the scattered pictures and began gathering them up.

"You can stop, you already announced you're in love with her to half of Konoha." Sasuke told him and Sai paused, his hands full of drawings in various states of completion. "Anyway, whatever you did, it doesn't matter. If you really love her, all you have to do is tell her straight out, and then she'll either completely reject you, or you guys can live happily ever after and leave Naruto and me alone."

"I don't know that this is very good advice." Sai answered after a long pause. "Did you have any recommendations of ways to make her more open to the idea?"

"If you don't tell her, nothing will ever happen." Sasuke answered in a flat tone. "You can be her friend after she forgives you for whatever you pulled, but you'll only ever be her friend. We're ninjas, Sai. She could die on her next mission. Do you want to leave things like this?"

"You make a strong point." Sai nodded slowly.

"Good, now fix it. And I swear, if you tell anyone I helped you, you're dead." Sasuke left the apartment, slamming the door because Sai was pretty sure that Sasuke loved slamming doors.

----------

"He gave you _what_?!" Ino snatched the book out of Sai's hand, her face going red with sudden anger. "Kakashi gave you _this_ thing? I'll kill him." She started toward the door and Shikamaru snatched her wrist, stopping her in her tracks, managing to look lazy even as she struggled before muttering something and sitting back down with a flounce.

"I thought the book was interesting." After talking to Sasuke, Sai decided he would talk to Shikamaru and Ino before going after Sakura again. He wanted to pretend that he was not just stalling for time, but he knew that he was terrified of what would happen when she laid eyes on him.

"That book is nothing to read if you want to actually impress a girl!" Ino answered vehemently. "It's pornographic, girls don't really act the way they do in here." She waved the book at him as though she might hit him with it.

"Guys don't really act like that, either." Shikamaru volunteered. "And if we did, it wouldn't work."

"These seductions are not realistic?" Sai frowned, a bit disappointed. The book had seemed so helpful, too. "What should I do, then?"

"You should wait." Shikamaru offered. "She needs time still, and she isn't going anywhere."

"You should apologize for acting like a freak, and once she likes you again, you can start on that flirting we were practicing." Ino told him. "I mean…you told her you wanted to see her naked? Come on, Sai."

"I do want to see her naked." Sai explained. "If I didn't, then it would probably actually be a problem if she didn't hate me, and instead had been seduced by my overtures."

"Will you stop using the word 'seduce' when you're talking about Sakura?" Ino requested, rubbing her brow with a sad frown on her lips. "No wonder she freaked out, that's so weird."

"I don't mean it to be weird. Does it not mean what I think?" Sai frowned slightly, and Ino rolled her eyes.

"I think it probably means what you think, but it sounds like all you care about is having sex with her, not like…you're trying to _romance_ her, see? It's different, and the difference is that you actually care about her." Ino explained.

"Ah, yes, I will try that." Sai paused, mulling over the terminology. "I will _romance_ her. I do not think I will wait, however. Someone told me that since we are ninja, I should consider the possibility of her dying on her next mission. I would rather be rejected again than wait too long and miss my chance."

"That's very sweet, Sai." Ino smiled warmly at him.

"Besides that, if she dies, I would prefer her to know that someone did love her the way she wanted, even if she could not return those feelings." Sai explained.

"See, if you just explain your feelings to her, she will _definitely _be romanced." Ino told him reassuringly. "Even I can see that you're sincere, and she knows you much better than I do."

"Thank you very much for your endorsement, Ino." Sai stood up and brushed imaginary dust off his lap. "I will now go to _romance_ Sakura."

"Good luck," Shikamaru waved slightly as he left, Ino waving frantically with tears in her eyes. "Take your time, seriously." When the door shut behind him, Shikamaru turned to Ino. "When this is over, I'm done meddling for five years, at least. We never get time to ourselves. It's so troublesome."

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To be Continued…


	15. Chapter 15

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 15

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"I just…honestly!" Sakura tossed her hands in the air, long past caring how dignified she looked. Naruto gave her a grim smile and patted her back. "What could have even _possessed _him!? And then…I think maybe it's my own fault. You know, this whole "love study" thing. I should have never encouraged him. It gave him the wrong idea, and now he's trying to use me…like some…some weird, twisted experiment! I don't think he'll ever understand how people work, or what they feel or _anything_!" She let out a long, sad sniffle and scrubbed at her eyes with yet another tissue. Naruto thought she'd used up most of one box so far. Sakura, he realized, could cry a lot. She could also talk a lot.

"And the thing is…the worst thing is…I had started to think that…" she shook her head furiously and tossed aside the tissue in favor of a new replacement. "I don't know, I had really started to believe that he understood these things, and that he understood _me_. He knew the things to say that would make me feel better, and I thought it meant something. Now I know it just means he's memorized the right words, and he knows to just regurgitate them for the proper effect."

"Sakura?" Naruto's voice sounded so solemn that she froze as if he had yelled at her, green eyes wide in surprise. "I'm sorry, but can I tell you what I think?"

"S—sure," Sakura realized suddenly she hadn't let him say more than a few words since she'd come over straight after work, full of anger, indignation, and sadness.

"I guess…I don't know, I thought you knew Sai a little better than that." He scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. "I mean, you say he's just memorized all the right words and when to say them…but what he said to you at the hospital just proves he still doesn't really know what to say or when to say it. Sai's different, I'll be the first to say it. He doesn't say things we would say, and he doesn't really understand some things we take for granted, but he's a good guy, and I think you know that. I just think it's a little weird that you just patiently help him and correct him when he makes mistakes like this with other people, but this one thing…you expect him to be perfect, and he's trying to do something that's hard even for people like you and me, people who have grown up knowing…you know, how to act normal. Well, it just seems to me that you're jumping to all these conclusions about him having all these dirty plans and bad intentions and things, like he's trying to use you to do this study. But didn't you ever stop to think _why _he's been studying love so hard? It's because of you, Sakura. It's always been about you, and I think it just took him a while to realize it. And when he did, he tried to tell you, and in typical Sai fashion he made a complete mess of it. But really, I feel bad for you and all, but think of how he must feel right now. You're the one who always tells him it's okay when he fucks things up, you're his best friend, and you have been for a while, whether you can see that or not. This time he fucked up worse than ever, and the worst part is that the one person who can tell him that it's okay and help him stand up and try again has turned on him. I mean, you told him he wasn't human and said you never wanted to see him again. You totally threw his feelings in his face, and I'm sure that hurt him a lot more than your legendary fist. I mean, even Sasuke…well, you know how he is about feelings and stuff. He's an idiot, and he's never going to be any good at that stuff. But he tried to kind of discourage you and everything, and he never meant for you to find out about us the way you did. He wouldn't have done…well, what you did. That was really cold, Sakura."

"Wh—what?" Sakura was struck dumb. Inside, she could feel rage bubbling, and she had to use all her years of practiced self-control not to just punch Naruto and be done with it. "How can you even side with _Sai_? Did you not hear the story?"

"Yeah, I did." Naruto told her in a vaguely annoyed tone. "He bought you flowers and tried to confess his feelings to you, and you face planted him and told him to fuck off. That about sum it up?"

"That…it was _not_ like that!" Sakura huffed and pushed down her angry urge to throttle the aggravating blonde. "Is this because you're both guys or something? Are you siding with him because you're pissed that I was always turning you down?"

"Sakura! That's fucking stupid!" Naruto now looked genuinely annoyed. "Yeah, you were a little rough with me sometimes, but it turned out great, and I don't hold it against you. I mean, I was persistent, right? You had to just tell me no. And you know, I'm _glad_ that you did, even though it hurt every time you turned me down. I'm _happy_ now, and I kinda feel like I owe a lot of that to _you_. If you'd have given me a chance, I might have missed out on _this_," he swept out his arms to show the room they were in, which was Sasuke and his living room. "I thought maybe the same thing could happen for you, you know. When I found out that Sai was in love with you, I was really excited. I thought that you would see that it was worth everything you've been through, because he can give you something Sasuke never could, just like Sasuke gives me what you never could. He _loves_ you, Sakura. Don't be an idiot and just pass that by unless you really don't feel the same way about him. And honestly, even if you don't see him that way, at least try to tell him in a little bit nicer way. I mean, even I never bought you flowers. I thought he did a pretty good job for his usual standard of trying to get things right on the first try. Honestly, this is _Sai_ we're talking about. If you're waiting for someone to come and tell you all the right words at the right time and to always really feel what he's saying, you'll wait forever. Do you think just 'cause of how he feels Sasuke doesn't say stupid shit to piss me off sometimes? Love doesn't make your problems go away, Sakura. Love is when you see all those faults and all the good things too, and you really love the person for who they are, not who you want them to be. You wanted Sasuke to be romantic. He's never going to be. You want Sai to understand exactly what he should do and say all the time, and he's never going to do that either. You can't ask for anything like that if you really want to be in love again."

"I don't…I don't care about any of that." Sakura answered weakly, feeling a bit foolish.

"That's crap, and you know it." Naruto told her. "If there's one thing I can understand, it's wanting more than _anything_ for someone to really love you, to really recognize you, and see that even though you aren't perfect, you're perfect for _them_. Sai's trying to tell you that he thinks you're perfect, and you're telling him that he's not human. See how that could cut a little deep?"

"Naruto," Sakura slumped her shoulders suddenly in shame. "I'm…I'm really sorry. I always forget that even though you don't know a lot of facts and figures, when it comes to feelings, you really do…" she lunged forward and hugged him tightly. Naruto's eyes widened for a moment before he returned the embrace, patting down her pink hair as she let out another sob. She pulled away and he handed her the last tissue. "I guess I was a little bit harsh on him."

"Well, I'm pretty sure you broke his heart." Naruto shrugged and she started crying all over again. "Okay, okay, don't go hysterical, just go tell him you're sorry or something." He held up his hands as though in surrender.

"I…I should." She sniffled again and reached for the box of tissue, giving Naruto a sheepish smile when she found it empty. "I used all your tissue."

"Yeah, well, I don't think it'll be a tragedy." Naruto assured her. "Sasuke only cries when I eat the last of the ice cream, and we've got plenty."

Sakura laughed louder than the joke deserved and stood up, letting Naruto walk her to the door. "Do I look okay?" she asked, patting her hair and gingerly testing her cheeks for puffiness.

"You look like you've been crying on and off for like three hours, but I don't think he'll mind." Naruto gave her a quick hug as she bent to put her shoes on.

"Wish me luck!" she smiled at him, and he could see from the way her hands were shaking that she was actually nervous about what might happen.

"Good luck," he gave her his best smile and waved as she left. He stood at the doorway long after she'd vanished from sight and finally cleared his throat in a meaningful way. "Yeah, okay, she's gone now. You successfully avoided having to deal with a crying girl. Way to be no help at all. Were you listening to us in there?" For a moment there was no response, and then someone leapt down from the eaves, landing right in front of him with a vaguely arrogant smile on his face.

"I heard all that stuff about loving people's flaws." Sasuke told Naruto by way of response. "My flaw is that I have a zero tolerance crying girl policy, especially in my house."

"Yeah, really clever." Naruto rolled his eyes and turned inside. "You're making dinner!"

-----

Sakura had gone halfway to Sai's apartment before she lost her nerve, went home, and spent about half an hour making it look as though she had not been crying all day, combing out her hair until it gleamed, and cursing Naruto under her breath for daring to think that she looked anywhere _near_ acceptable. Honestly, it wasn't as though she was trying to look _nice_ for Sai or anything, but it really wasn't right for her to visit a friend looking as though she'd been through a wringer.

After she had accomplished this and managed to convince herself _not_ to change her clothes, mostly since she knew that would take until midnight if she started now in the state she was in, she told her mother she might not be home for dinner and went out the door, feeling much better and not a bit nervous. This newfound confidence and calm lasted until she saw Sai's window down the street from his apartment, and suddenly she felt as though her heart was in her throat. Struggling not to just turn around and go home, she went forward, telling herself this was like a mission, and that sometimes even if you didn't want to complete the mission, you simply had to soldier on. And this was much simpler, really. There was no chance she would die, unless she had completely misjudged Sai's hold on his feelings and his temper, so really, she should not feel so nervous at all.

Finally, she found herself at his door. She stood at it without moving or making any noise for ten minutes that seemed to last forever, and finally, she realized that he could probably sense her standing out here anyway, and it would seem even worse if she came to see him and left without even knocking. So she knocked.

Nothing happened.

With a leap of relief, it occurred to her that he might not be there, which would give her considerably more time to think of what to say and how she felt and what she wanted and all of that mess that was causing her so much trouble at the moment. Just to be sure, she knocked again, very loudly, and called his name.

No response.

Sighing happily, she tested the door and was a bit surprised to find it unlocked. Sai struck her as the sort to always lock his door, and she could count the number of times she'd been in his apartment on one hand. He was very private, and it struck her that she never got to really look around at all his pictures and things. This would be the _perfect_ opportunity, and really, they were friends, so there was nothing _wrong_ with it. After all, if he didn't want her in his apartment, he really should have locked the door.

Calling out his name again just to be sure, she stepped inside and slid her shoes off, looking around the dim. She had never seen it in such a mess, that was for sure. She could see the shapes of half-finished drawings strewn all over the floor of the main room, the only room she'd ever been in. Every time she'd been let in the door, it had been impeccably neat, and it always struck her that it didn't look like anyone _lived_ there. No dirty dishes or broken bits of charcoal or discarded shirts or anything. Now was a different story.

Switching on the lights, she raised her eyebrows in surprise at the expanse of the mess. It seemed to her that the floor was littered with various pictures, some crumpled, some torn, and some simply tossed carelessly aside. There were more in the hallway that she assumed led to his bedroom, and she bent over to pick one up out of curiosity.

The shape was clear. It was a face, in profile. A woman, it seemed, but it was hard to say who it was, as he had clearly deemed it unworthy and tossed it aside in the middle of sketching it. Sakura couldn't see what was wrong with it, personally. She looked lovely.

Intrigued, she picked up another, and saw this was another woman, possibly the same one, her face to the front this time, a sad expression on her face. Setting it back down, she looked at another few before concluding that these were all sketches of women, in various states of completion, and she was almost sure it was the same woman. He had drawn her from every angle, it looked like. He had pictures of her whole body, and some of just a portion, but almost all were of her face, and they all seemed to be in charcoal, which she concluded after stepping on a broken stick of it and discovering that it was now smudging her fingers.

Following the trail, she glanced at some of his framed pictures, landscapes and abstracts and all sorts of animals. The sort of things that she always saw him draw. She could tell these were older, as most of them did not have titles, and he had started naming his pictures after they had talked about it, long ago, when he first joined Team Seven. She stepped into the hallway and having lost her earlier nervous fear, entered his bedroom. There were several pictures on the wall in here, but only one was framed. Just above his bed there was a painting of what were unmistakably Yamato, Naruto, and Sakura. At the bottom, she could see the title was "Friends" and it made her feel a sudden surge of warmth for this young man who had lived so long without any affection or companionship. Sometimes she forgot that he had lived in isolation for so long, and seeing something like this only reminded her of how very lonely he must have been before he had joined their team.

Around the picture, and in fact, all around the room, there were more pictures on the floor, some in color, but many in simple charcoal. The ones that Sai clearly favored were displayed on the walls, and Sakura noticed with some surprise that they were, again, all of a woman. The same woman who featured in all the pictures on the floor in the living room, and now, with the color used in these pictures, she suddenly recognized the subject.

"They're all…all of me?" she was amazed that anyone would want to draw _one_ picture of her, and there must be over a hundred here if you counted the half-finished sketches. "All…all these pictures are of me." She said it aloud, as though it would make the whole situation less ridiculous.

"Yes," she felt her face flush deeply at the familiar voice from behind her that confirmed her statement. "It took me forever to get your eyes right, by the way. They don't make that color."

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To be continued…


	16. Chapter 16

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 16

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"Sai." Sakura somehow felt immensely silly saying the name as she whirled around to face him, but she felt she had to say something, and she was off balance because of her discovery. "I'm sorry! The door was open, and I just wanted…"

"It's okay," he shrugged nonchalantly, and it occurred to her that he was close enough to grab her if he wanted to. She wasn't sure if she felt safe. "I had not intended for you to see these. They aren't really quite to the level I was looking for."

"Is…is that why so many are just…on the ground? You didn't think they were good enough?" she asked, finding that if she just didn't look at his face, she could speak almost normally.

"They look like you, certainly." Sai told her. "I have no doubt of my ability to draw something so that it accurately resembles its real life counterpart. I just realized after some time that what I was striving to capture in these images was the way I see you, not simply from the physical aspect, but…I mean to say, I was trying to show my feelings here," he reached out, brushing gentle fingers over a picture tacked to the wall, his hand tracing the flowing curve of hair. "You know better than most how I struggle to understand my emotions, and when I drew most of these, I did not even realize that I was in love with you. I simply…kept drawing. I felt a compulsion, over and over I created images of you from every possible aspect, as though the angle itself would capture that quality I could not define until recently."

"But…they're so…" Sakura stared at a drawing next to the one Sai was still touching. "They're all so beautiful! I could never look like that, honestly."

"You think so?" he turned to her, and she found herself staring at him, her eyes lost in the depths of ebony before her. "I do not think they do you justice. They are all…too cold." And Sakura felt her breath catch as he reached out his hand again, but this time brushed the tips of his fingers over her actual hair, just as he had with the picture. "In my eyes, you are much greater."

"You think…but you told me I was ugly!" Sakura could feel the confusion pressing in, and she felt a horrible temptation to simply _give in_ and give him a chance. But the last time she had felt love, it had ended horribly, and she couldn't trust again, not so soon, surely. "You've said hundreds of times…how could you draw _these_?" Sai simply shrugged and looked away, and Sakura felt an irrational anger boil inside of her. She felt a picture being crumpled in her fist only a moment before that fist slammed into Sai's wall, having been redirected from his face at the last moment. He looked up, eyes wide with alarm.

"They…are not meant to make you angry." Sai told her as she lowered her fist, her breath rattling shakily as she struggled to maintain control. "I drew these because you make me happy, Sakura."

"You can't just…say stuff like that!" Sakura tossed the picture aside and grabbed his collar angrily. "Sai, can you even hear yourself? What am I supposed to say to something like that? I make you _happy_? Please!"

"Well, to be honest, sometimes you make me hurt, like now." Sai did not seem fazed by the way she was holding his collar, and she let go, breathing heavily as she struggled to not simply transfer all her confusion to anger, as easy as that seemed. "And this morning, I was hurting quite badly. But I have learned that is the way these things work, and I am willing to accept that because I am in love with you, you can control my emotions absolutely."

"You…do you mean that?" Sakura was feeling shaky, and wondered briefly if she might collapse. "Can you even understand what you're saying, what it means?"

"Sakura," Sai's tone was tender as he reached forward, sliding his fingers into her hair and cupping the side of her face gently. "That day, in your garden, I realized that there _was_ a reason for everything that has happened. I hope…I hope the reason is this," he used his free hand to indicate the space between them and stepped slightly closer, licking his lips nervously. "I hope that the reason we saw Naruto and Sasuke together that day is that I would see you hurting, and want to fix it no matter what. And you would help me to learn about what it meant, the whole time feeling the pain fade a bit as you realized that maybe…that wasn't meant to be, and there was perhaps something else waiting for you, despite all your worries. Then, with your help, I would realize that I was in love with you, and maybe…maybe you would see that _this_ is what you were really waiting for." There was a long silence as Sai brushed his hand through gleaming pink strands, and Sakura struggled to slow her heart beat. No one had ever looked at her the way Sai was at that moment, and made her feel the way she did right then.

"I'm not Sasuke, and I know that I look like him, but I do not want to be his replacement." Sai continued, his hand resting gently on her shoulder. "If you still love him, and you cannot find a place for me in your heart, I understand. I know that we cannot force people to love who we would wish them to. If you truly reject my feelings, then I will not bring them up to you again, because I can see it causes you pain, and that is the last thing I could wish for. What I want is a chance to make you happy, to see you smile. You've given me more than I could have ever asked for by being my friend, my very greatest friend. You healed my heart and made it work again, and I only want to do the same for you."

"Please…I just don't know what to say to that," Sakura's lip trembled, and she forced down the urge to burst into tears. "Yesterday, I thought that whatever you said about me finding someone else, I would probably be alone forever, but I was happy having good friends and being great at my work. I thought that would be enough, and at least I'd never have my heart broken again…"

"Sakura, if you are not willing to take the risk, your life will always be a shadow of what it could be." Sai told her. "We could die on our next mission. Would you be happy leaving things at this?" Before she could answer, he leaned forward, and this time she knew he was going to kiss her. She realized suddenly that she had known as soon as she entered his apartment, and she could have left at any time if that was not what she wanted, but she let her eyes close and made a soft noise as his lips found hers, pressing softly. She had never really kissed any boys, and she was not sure whether he had kissed anyone before that day in the hospital. She doubted it, but it still felt warm and soft and safe and wonderful and she _wanted_ to be able to trust that feeling that told her to take this chance, as terrifying as it could be. Somehow, over the past years, she had learned to trust Sai implicitly, and she found it hard to think that he would hurt her on purpose. And when he kissed her, she could _feel_ that he meant all the words she was hearing, as amazing as that seemed. He loved her.

"You…you could have anyone." She spoke as he pulled away, trying to find her answer in her eyes. "Look at you! You could have anyone. How could it be me?"

"I don't want anyone except for you." Sai answered her as though this should be plain. "I love you."

"Sai," she sighed heavily and let herself fall into his arms. "You won't break my heart, will you? Or hurt me? You won't make me regret this?"

"I…do you?" Sai found himself suddenly speechless, and Sakura seemed to accept his flushed face and dumbfounded expression as an answer, because she went on her tiptoes and quickly kissed him back.

"It's soon, you know, too soon for me to say whether I'm really over Sasuke or not." She told him as he looked down at her in wonder and she reached up a tentative hand to touch his paper pale cheek. "I know that I care about you, and I know that when you kissed me, I _wanted_ it. I think…I think you really do love me. I want to see if I feel the same way."

"What does this mean?" Sai spoke after a long silence.

"It means I'm your girlfriend." She moved to kiss him, but before she could, he crushed her lips under his, and she was startled by the force of his mouth on hers. When he pulled away, she thought she saw wetness on his cheek, but she found it hard to even imagine Sai crying, so she told herself she was imagining it.

"Thank you so much," his voice trembled slightly, and he did not even sound like Sai with all that emotion in his tone. "I won't hurt you, I promise, and you will not regret this. I do love you, and I will endeavor to be the sort of man you can love as well."

"Sai…" she stared at him for a while, and she couldn't stop herself smiling at the way he was staring at her so intently. "Don't look at me like that." She giggled slightly, and he cocked his head to one side.

"Like what?" he asked her, and she flushed deeply, stepping away from him and turning her attention to all the pictures of her in the room.

"It's kind of odd, seeing how someone else sees you." She let her fingertips brush over hair colored in pink pastel, her fingers bearing smudges of the same color. "Although I never imagined being surrounded in pictures of myself, you know. It's a little…"

"Should I take them down?" Sai asked, eager to please her, and she shrugged slightly.

"It's your room, if this is what you want to cover it in…some of them are very beautiful, after all." She smiled at him shyly as she indicated a picture near her. "It makes me feel good to know that someone can see me that way."

"No, I think I will take them down." He told her after a moment of silent consideration. "All but that one, so you can see how you truly appear." He pulled one of the other pictures down to indicate he was serious. "After all, I think that the reason I surrounded myself in pictures of you was so that I could feel closer to you. Now that you are my _girlfriend_, I do not need such things."

"But Sai!" she gasped as he took down a few more pictures and tossed them down carelessly. "These must have taken ages! It's such a waste to get rid of them."

"It must take you ages to grow your herbs, to create the proper remedies, and to administer them perfectly." Sai told her as he tore down two more pictures and moved to another wall. "Do you think it's a waste when they're gone?"

"Sai, that's completely different, this is…it's art!" she indicated the crumpled paper that surrounded her feet. "How can you just toss it aside?"

"In its own way, what you do is also art." Sai told her. "Each of us has a talent, an art that we exceed at. Naruto is a master of the art of friendship, I am a master of the art of drawing, and you are a master of the art of healing."

"What about Sasuke?" Sakura asked about the teammate left out of the explanation, and Sai pursed his lips a moment before answering.

"I believe Sasuke is a master of the art of being an asshole." Sai told her in a solemn tone, and she burst into laughter at his response. He felt his own lips quirking upwards in response to her smile, and when he felt the urge to embrace her, he did not simply push it aside.

Her laughter faded as she looked up at his soft smile, and she wondered if she had laughed too hard, since she suddenly felt dizzy and found it hard to breathe. "We'll keep that one," he repeated, pointing to the drawing she had pointed out earlier. "Until I can make one that's better. I don't need hundreds of pictures of you when I have the real you right here."

"Sai…if you keep saying things like that…"

"What?" Sai's face brightened suddenly. "Will you be _romanced_ if I continue to tell you my true feelings? That is what Ino told me would happen, and so far, it seems to be going much better than anything I learned from that book."

"I'm sorry, when you say it like that…" Sakura giggled helplessly and then suddenly stopped, looking at him with narrowed eyes. "What book are you talking about?"

"Oh, I went to ask Iruka-sensei for advice about how to show my feelings to you, and then Kakashi-sensei came over since they are living together secretly—"

"_What_!?" Sakura squawked in surprise and Sai suddenly went paler than normal.

"Ah…I see I have broken the love secrecy rule again." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully and looked up hopefully after a moment. "Perhaps if I am telling you, since you are my _girlfriend_, it is no longer breaking the secrecy rules?"

"What are you even _talking _about!?" Sakura shook his shoulders as though she could shake the information she was after out of him physically. "Iruka and Kakashi! Are they _really_ living together? I didn't even _suspect!_"

"It is a secret." Sai repeated solemnly. "No one knows except for Naruto and Sasuke and myself and now you as well."

"Wait…why did Naruto and Sasuke know? And why did they tell _you_!? I've known them for _way_ longer!" Sakura demanded.

"I found out on accident." Sai explained. "And apparently Naruto and Sasuke were told since they are also gay."

"That is _not_ fair at all." Sakura released him and crossed her arms in a pout.

"I told them that I did not approve of that sort of discrimination." Sai agreed with her at once. "In any case, as I was leaving, Kakashi-sensei handed me a book to help me out. He said that it would teach me more than any person possibly could, but in the end, I learned much better approaches from my friends."

"Wait a second…" Sakura seemed to be recovering from her pout as she mulled over his words. "Kakashi gave you a book about love?"

"Yes, it was called—"

"_Icha Icha Paradise_?" Sakura finished for him and he looked completely surprised at her words.

"How did you guess?" he asked, but he did not receive any explanation as she suddenly stormed out of the apartment. "Sakura? Where are you going?" he chased after her, but she was way ahead of him, and he thought it unlikely he'd catch up.

"To _kill_ Kakashi!" she called over her shoulder, and he stopped, wondering if he should try to stop the impending homicide. He supposed you should probably not try to control your girlfriend, so he turned around and went back home to continue cleaning up. He wanted it to look nice for when Sakura returned.

After all, she was his girlfriend now.

-----

To be Continued…


	17. Chapter 17

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 17

-----

"I can't _believe_ you!" Sakura thumped him over the head, and her former teacher winced, not that she could tell much of his expression with his mask on. "I mean, it's bad enough you're carrying on with Iruka behind _everyone's_ back and you wouldn't even trust your sweet, former student, but this?!"

"Please, I was just trying to help," Kakashi sounded as if he might actually be afraid, but then again, he had heard what Tsunade was capable of when she was angry, and Sakura had learned from her. "And it seems to have worked out in the end."

"I punched him! The person who deserved that punch is you!" Sakura pulled back and Kakashi braced himself for a powerful impact, but just then, they both were distracted by Iruka's return from school.

"I'm home!" Iruka sounded tired but happy as he entered their apartment. "How was your—" when he spotted Sakura ready to beat the daylights out of Kakashi, he froze, and the blood drained from his face.

"Don't worry, Sai already told her!" Kakashi offered in a falsely cheerful voice. "She's here to kill me, so you won't have to worry about hiding our secret anymore."

"Don't talk to Iruka-sensei like that!" Sakura wagged her finger at him angrily. "Honestly, you should be ashamed! And I wasn't going to _kill_ him, sensei." She smiled sweetly at her former school teacher, who tried to catch up with her swift mood shifts and also process the fact that someone else had found out more than they needed to know about his private life.

"Sakura, I understand if you're angry, but you have to realize the implications if I were to make my relationship public." Iruka was vaguely worried that she would turn on him and attack, and also worried about how many other people Sai had shared this information with. "And I _know_ you don't like it, okay?" he told Kakashi in a weary tone. "I know, I just—"

"I was upset at first," Sakura interrupted, pointing an accusing finger at her victim. "But it didn't take long for me to figure out why you'd keep it secret. Plus, everyone knows Ino's a gossip. What if I told her? It makes sense you wouldn't tell me. But what you _don't_ know, Iruka-sensei, is that your boyfriend gave Sai some very _unnecessary_ advice. In the form of a _book._"

"He gave…wait, no." Iruka seemed less concerned about being hit now, and Kakashi seemed suddenly more worried. "You gave Sai-san _that_ book?"

"By _that_ book, I'm not really sure I know which—" Kakashi's excuse was cut off by a sharp hit to the head from Sakura which completely floored him.

"Yes, it was _that_ one." Sakura told her former teacher triumphantly. Iruka felt a sudden déjà vu as he recalled how she would sometimes tattle on other people for misbehaving or cheating in class. "And you've met Sai, so of course he didn't really know any better than to think that he could literally translate it to real life. And how was _I_ to know that he was completely innocent? I couldn't _believe_ when he propositioned me, and I'm sorry to say I may have become a bit angry." She kicked Kakashi hard as he struggled to his feet, and he fell back to the ground. "So now that I know the whole story, you can see how I'd be upset with Kakashi-sensei."

"Yes." Iruka's tone was hard and cold, and Kakashi tried to pull himself up again, laughing nervously.

"It was only a joke, of course! I didn't realize he would reenact anything, and in any case, I trusted that one of my long time students would recognize the signature style of _Icha Icha Paradise_ from a mile away." Kakashi explained, forcing a smile. "If anything, I'm disappointed with Sakura, because while I watched over her closely and came to know her well in our time together on Team Seven, it's clear to me that she never paid any attention to my interests or bothered to learn anything about me at all. It's really heartbreaking…" here, Kakashi's exposed eye watered, and he covered it, pretending to cry at this discovery.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Sakura turned to Iruka after they watched this act for some time. "Really, I just want to know, _what_ can you possibly see in him? I mean, he's never on time for anything, he's a pathological liar, he's a complete pervert, he's an arrogant pain in the ass, and he doesn't have an _ounce_ of sensitivity in him! I mean, does he ever show you _actual_ emotion?"

"It may seem that way to you," Iruka told her with a small smile, "but for me, he takes his mask off."

"Iruuuuuka!" Kakashi suddenly whined, the sound of which made Sakura's skin crawl. "Don't say things like that to my students! You'll ruin my cool guy reputation."

"Even though he acts like this, Kakashi is a good man, as I'm sure you know. Sometimes love requires a lot of patience." Iruka assured her, and she narrowed her eyes in consideration before laughing and patting him on the shoulder.

"I think I understand you." She told him, seemingly cured of her bout of homicidal rage at this point. "In that case, I'll leave his punishment to you, Iruka-sensei!"

"Thank you, Sakura." Iruka waved as she passed him to leave. "By the way, did things work out between Sai and you?"

"Sort of," she flushed slightly. "We're dating now and he's very—oh, wait." She suddenly remembered that she had run from his house with no warning when she found out about Kakashi's treachery. "I need to go, he might be a bit worried about where I ran off to."

"Good luck to you two!" Iruka waved after her, and she giggled.

"You as well!" she leapt off to a rooftop, clearly taking a shortcut back to her boyfriend's apartment.

"Whew, that was dangerous." Kakashi wrapped his arms around Iruka from behind after the other man closed the door. "You saved me from certain death."

"You think I _saved_ you?" Iruka turned his best Angry Teacher Face on Kakashi. "Interesting." The other man gulped, realizing that he'd just gone from the frying pan to the fire.

-----

"Way to go, Sai!" Naruto congratulated his teammate. "Congratulations, you two! I hope everything goes well."

"Me too," Sakura flushed as Naruto rummaged through a cupboard. "I was worried you might be a little jealous because of…you know."

"Oh that?" Naruto glanced at her as he continued his search. "No, I see now that I'm a lot better off with Sasuke, not even figuring in how much stronger I feel and all that. I mean, if you think about it, I'm a pretty good balance for him. We're kinda the same type, Sakura. If we'd ended up together, we would have probably driven everyone crazy with all our energy, bouncing off the wall all the time."

"I don't think I'm quite as energetic as you, Naruto." Sakura giggled at the thought.

"You are when you become angry." Sai pointed out, and she flushed in embarrassment as Naruto laughed, giving up on one cupboard and moving to sweep the next one in his thorough search of the kitchen.

"That would have left Sai and Sasuke alone." Naruto started laughing even as he said it, and Sakura joined in as well. "They would have been a great couple, huh? One won't express his emotions, and one doesn't really know what his emotions mean, and both of them just looking stoic all the time."

"You know, I'm right here." Sasuke grumbled. "What are you even looking for?"

"I wanted to find some sake to we could toast to Sai and Sakura!" Naruto explained in frustration. "Where's all your booze, come _on_, Sasuke! I would have thought a brooding guy like you liked to stay up late drowning your sorrows and being dark and mysterious."

"You're such an idiot." Sasuke grumbled, pushed him aside, and opened another cupboard, pulling out a bottle hidden behind a few boxes of cereal.

"I like how you hide it behind the cereal, Sasuke." Sakura could not seem to stop giggling after Naruto had painted the image of Sasuke and Sai in a relationship. "Do you sometimes use that instead of milk?"

"I don't _eat_ cereal." Sasuke grumbled. "We bought that for Naruto when he moved in."

"Lies, see this?" Naruto reached around an extremely agitated Uchiha and pulled out a box of colorful cereal full of marshmallows. "This is his favorite, he eats it every morning. I'd just eat ramen, but he says I can't have it three meals a day."

"Okay, that's it, all of you, out of my house!" Sasuke growled. "If you two are dating now, you shouldn't be coming over and bothering us! Can't you think of anything better to do?"

"Sasuke, don't be such a grump." Naruto completely ignored his instruction. "You guys can stay, he doesn't really mean it. He's just pissed cause when you came over I was about to—mmph!" he was cut off by Sasuke's hand over his mouth.

"We've talked about that." Sasuke released his boyfriend and shoved the box of colorful cereal back into the cupboard and gave the door a satisfyingly loud slam. "Stop _sharing_ everything."

"Haha, yeah, sorry!" Naruto turned and pecked him on the cheek as apology before turning back to Sai and Sakura. "Well, here's the sake, we should have a toast!"

"Um, Naruto, it's not even noon yet." Sakura pointed out. "I'm not really in the mood for alcohol."

"Good point." Naruto nodded and put the bottle back in the cereal cupboard. "Then we should have a party! After all, this place is way bigger than my apartment, and Sasuke's too grumpy and antisocial to use it to its full potential. Now that I'm here, that'll all change."

"No parties." Sasuke said, slamming the door that Naruto had carelessly left open to emphasize his words.

"No, it'll be fun!" Naruto turned to him in entreaty. "Plus, it wouldn't be like a _giant_ party or anything! Just a few close friends, you know. It would be a lot of fun!"

"That does sound fun," Sakura added her opinion, and Sai, of course, immediately sided with her.

"I have not been to a party before. I am interested to see what they are like." He told them.

"How sad is _that_? He's _never_ been to a party!" Naruto pleaded, and Sasuke sighed heavily, turning aside.

"If that's the case, he's lucky." Sasuke responded. "Parties are a waste of time, and they make a mess. No parties."

"But…Sasuke, you said when I moved in that this was _our_ home now, and that you wanted to make it full of lots of new, happy memories to get rid of all the old sad ones." Naruto's eyes went wide as he tugged at Sasuke's arm. "What better way to do that than by inviting our friends over?"

"Awww, did you _really_ say that, Sasuke?" Sakura clasped her hands together. "That's so sweet."

"I can say something sweet, as well." Sai offered in a slightly put off tone. She smiled at him and patted his hand reassuringly.

"Okay, okay!" Sasuke threw up his arms. "I can see that I'll get no peace until I agree to this, but you have to _swear_ you'll help clean up!" he turned a sharp glare on Naruto, who leapt up and cheered in excitement.

"Yay! Sasuke's letting us have a party!" Naruto threw his arms around Sasuke and kissed him on the cheek while Sasuke struggled between finding this rather adorable and being mortified that he was acting this way right where other people could see him. "I swear I'll help, and it'll be a lot of fun, you'll see!"

Sakura couldn't help but laugh at this display, and when she looked over, she saw that Sai was smiling as well, but he was not looking at Naruto and Sasuke, he was watching her. He looked so content and peaceful, so happy, that it struck her that he really must love her, and she realized that she didn't want to see that look fade away. She wanted him to always adore her the way he did now, the way she had thought that no one ever could. They had waited a week before telling anyone, just because she wanted to be sure that she felt good about the relationship before going about and telling everyone they were dating. Ino had been ecstatic, and Shikamaru had looked oddly relieved. Hinata had not seemed very surprised, and she had been quiet until Kiba started offering Sai vaguely inappropriate advice.

She had talked to Tenten, to try and get an idea of how Lee would react, and she had been happy for them, but had warned that while Sakura had told him time and time again that she wasn't interested, Lee would not give up on her even when he saw her with another man. In fact, she was worried that he would simply redouble his efforts.

Sakura thought Lee was a good person, and wanted genuinely for them to be friends, and for him to be friends with Sai, but she was starting to worry that it wouldn't be possible.

Hopefully at the party, everything would work itself out.

Watching Sai smile at her that way made her believe that it would.

-----

To be Continued…


	18. Chapter 18

Study of the Heart

-----

"Seriously, you have to _hit_ her, Sai!" Naruto jeered as he watched them spar, and the pale ninja coughed nervously as Sakura gave him a determined glare before flying at him again, kunai flying. "Oh, come _on!_ She's wide open! Sakura, you're better than that!"

"Naruto, I'm going to kick the shit out of you if you can't keep your genius to yourself!" Sakura snarled as she felt her attacks being easily evaded and she realized that she agreed with Naruto. She _was_ leaving herself wide open. She corrected her defenses and flushed, realizing that she had taken for granted that Sai would let any sort of sloppiness in her case slip past. She had thought he would be an excellent training partner for the upcoming jounin examination, but now she was starting to see that he was going easy on her.

"You're not doing her any favors fighting like that." Sasuke voiced up from where he sat, ostensibly not paying much attention to their match, sharpening his kunai as he leaned against a tree stump.

"Yeah, you think I'd go easy on Sasuke like that just because we're dating!" Naruto called out, and quick as a flash, he felt the tip of a kunai at his throat and heard Sasuke chuckle.

"You mean _I'd_ go easy on _you_, don't you, idiot?" Sasuke asked. "As if you could get a hit in on me even if I did."

"You're on!" and suddenly no one was watching Sai and Sakura's fight, as their two man audience engaged in their own sparring session.

"Sai, I know you're better than this." Sakura spoke up as she recovered her breath on a tree branch, watching Sai impassively look up at her from the clearing, leaving himself an easy target for her attacks. "You're not even really trying! How am I going to get stronger if you coddle me?"

"From my understanding, when men hit their girlfriends, it is not considered acceptable." Sai explained as he patiently waited to avoid her next attack.

"Okay, well most men aren't ninja, and neither are their girlfriends!" Sakura called out as she flew at him again, feeling exhausted and frustrated at the fact that she wasn't making contact even though he clearly wasn't putting his full effort into this fight. How would she become a jounin if she couldn't even hit another jounin who was only half-heartedly fighting her? "Come on! I'm telling you to try and hit me!" she felt like she was going to start crying, this was so frustrating. Why couldn't she win?

"If you want me to." Sai shrugged, and out of nowhere, she felt his short sword hilt land a solid hit in her stomach, completely winding her. "Was that acceptable?" he asked as he ducked under a weak swipe with two kunai.

"The point is for me to get stronger." She wheezed as she hopped away to recover, panting slightly and clutching at the spot his hit had landed. "If you can't put your heart into this fight, I'll spar with Naruto or Sasuke instead."

"Fighting isn't your main strength, Sakura." Sai told her as he awaited her next attack. "There is no point in me kicking your ass to prove that. You know already that you aren't near my level."

"You ass!" She snarled and flew at him, her heartbeat thrumming in her ears, and without even realizing it, she hit him as hard as she could, feeling the satisfying give of flesh under her fist as she finally made contact and felt her anger seethe even as she watched him fly against a tree so hard he broke the trunk and landed in a pile of sticks and wood.

"It's just a spar!" Naruto paused in his fight with Sasuke to admire the damage she'd caused. "You shouldn't use fatal attacks."

"I didn't!" Sakura snapped at him. "He's just faking! And you're one to talk about not taking a spar too seriously! How many times have I had to heal Sasuke or you right here to prevent serious injuries?"

"That's totally different." Naruto laughed as Sasuke took the signal that there was a pause in their fight to see what had happened to Sai as well. "We can take a lot, but you're just a girl, Sakura, you should try being a little more gentle if you want to keep your boyfriend around."

"You did _not_ just say that!" Sakura flexed her fist as she stared at him. "Take it back, Naruto, or I'll show you how gentle I am!"

"Whoa, Sakura, I just meant—" Naruto fled as Sakura flew at him, and Sasuke watched with detached interest as she flew past him in pursuit of the blonde before he walked over to see if Sai was alright.

The artist was brushing off debris as he rose to his feet, a smile of pride on his face as he watched Sakura attack a now seriously concerned Naruto. "She fights much better when she is angry, don't you think?"

"It's interesting, since Naruto's worthless as soon as he gets angry. He makes stupid mistakes, but she still is able to think things through while using that brute strength." Sasuke watched them for a few minutes before giving Sai a glance. "During the exam, there's no guarantee she'll have an opponent considerate enough to wind her up like that, you know."

"I know, but I want her to believe in her strength." Sai smiled brightly at Sasuke. "I see it there, waiting under the surface, but she doesn't seem to be able to concentrate when she's fighting me, so I helped her out."

"You think she returns your feelings then?" Sasuke asked in his least concerned tone. Sai was quite used to this by now. He realized that Sasuke liked to pretend not to care at all about his friends' lives, but he really was softhearted in his own secret way.

"I have no idea." Sai answered honestly. "She hasn't said anything, and she has always struggled with the idea of seriously fighting her friends, whatever she believes. I only know that my own feelings for her are stronger now than they ever were. I wonder if love continues to build on itself like this, or if it weakens at some point?"

"Hn." Sasuke clearly didn't want to discuss it once it became a question of his own feelings, so he changed the subject. "Do you think they'll be ready in time for the exam?"

"Will you be ready?" Sai asked in response, and Sasuke let out a harsh laugh.

"Of course. I'm well beyond the level of most of the jounin in Konoha already." Sasuke told him. "I just don't want to listen to Naruto complain if he gets left behind again."

"He wasn't left behind as a genin." Sai answered. "If you remember, there was someone else from his class who didn't become a chuunin until he did, either."

"I was away." Sasuke grumbled. "At that point, it was a formality. I'd killed Orochimaru and Itachi, after that, they should have skipped me straight to ANBU, but Tsunade thinks it's funny to watch me go through the motions."

"Naruto will be fine." Sai finally answered the question Sasuke had posed. "If he can keep himself under control, he's at least a match for you, and you are certainly ready to step to the next level."

"And Sakura?" Sasuke didn't bother to question Sai's assertion about Sasuke and Naruto being at the same level, which was something of a surprise, but then, without Naruto there to hear it, there was really no reason to taunt the blonde.

"You're in a better position to judge her ability than I am." Sai admitted. "I find at moments that I am proud of her ability, and I cannot wait for her to become promoted, as I know it means a lot to her. But at other times, I think over the level of missions our team will be going on once all of us are jounin, and I realize that I trust her to take care of herself, but I am not sure that I will remember that in the heat of battle. Do you honestly not find yourself afraid of what might happen to Naruto?" There was a long silence, and Sai began to believe that it was another instance where the answer had too much to do with Sasuke's feelings, so he would be left without any response. Then, as he watched Sakura call jeeringly down to where she'd just launched Naruto into the river, he heard Sasuke's voice, almost unrecognizably tight, next to him.

"When I was young, I had everything I cared about stolen from me, and I was too weak to stop it." Sasuke answered. "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't consider the possibility that I could lose him. I told you, we're ninja, we could die on our next mission. For a long time, I thought I could keep my feelings to myself, and they'd go away, and in that way, I could avoid feeling that same helplessness ever again. But something like this…it doesn't go away. Sometimes I wish I had never fallen in love with him, with an idiot who takes unnecessary risks all the time, who wants to become Hokage, and probably will, putting himself in a position of even greater risk."

"Just wanting not to be in love doesn't change the fact that you are, though." Sai told him thoughtfully.

"Exactly. There's nothing I can do about this, and I could either push him away, and have us both be miserable, or I could try to be like him and live in the moment." Sasuke sighed heavily. "I'll never be as carefree as Naruto, but I don't want to see him hurt, and so I live every day trusting him to be strong, trusting myself to defend him if need be, and making sure that if either of us died tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets. It's nearly impossible, but it's all I can do."

"Sasuke," Sai spoke after a long time, as they watched Sakura laughing with Naruto as she helped him get mud off his shoes, their fight completely forgotten. "I think people underestimate you. They believe that you think only of strategy and battle, but it seems that you have spent quite some time considering matters of the heart as well."

"Hn." Was Sasuke's response as he walked away, berating Naruto for letting Sakura defeat him.

"Did you see that!" Sakura ran over to Sai, beaming with pride. "I beat the crap out of Naruto! I am _too_ strong when it comes to fighting!" she raised her fist as a mock threat and Sai smiled as he dodged and grabbed her hand, twisting her into a basic restraining hold.

"You could work on your defenses, though." He whispered in her ear as he held her arm twisted so that she could not escape without some difficulty. He moved closer, wanting to kiss her, and felt a sudden sharp pressure against his neck. Sakura winked at him and laughed.

"Really? I better not take any defense lessons from _you_." She teased.

"I let myself become distracted by your beautiful fighting style." Sai responded, slightly embarrassed that she had tricked him.

"Yeah? Interesting excuse." She vanished in a puff of smoke and he found himself with a log replacement. As he took a moment to be surprised that he had been fooled by such a simple strategy, he felt his arm being twisted behind him. "I think _you're _the one who needs to work on his defenses."

"Nice replacement jutsu." Sai smiled at her as he craned his neck to see the look of triumph on her face. "I was deceived!"

"Don't patronize me," she told him in a smug tone before yelping in surprise as he turned her hold around, and tripped her, pinning her to the ground, his kunai at her throat this time.

"Okay." He smiled brightly as she scowled at him in surprise and annoyance at being trapped. "I will do my best to help you become stronger from now on, Sakura. I do not like to think of you being defeated in battle. You shine brightly when you are the winner." He dropped the kunai and loosened his hold, but she did not push him away. "Besides that, if I were to lose you…I will do my best to protect you, Sakura, but I understand that there will be times when I must trust you to protect yourself."

"I'm a ninja," she whispered. "I'll be fine." She closed her eyes as he lowered his lips to hers, brushing softly before gently moving against her. Sakura loved the way she felt when Sai kissed her. His expression was so often schooled in a look of imperturbable aloofness, but when he kissed her, she could feel all of his emotions, his fear for her safety, his pride at her strength, his hope for their future. It had been nearly a month now, and he still struggled for the right words at times, but he could always make her understand him this way.

"I love you," he breathed in her ear as they lay together on the forest floor, the scent of Sai and the earthy smell of loam filling her senses.

"Seriously, don't you guys have a better place for that sort of thing?" Naruto's voice caused Sai to stiffen and stand up, offering Sakura a hand he knew she didn't need, but which she took with a rich blush staining her cheeks. "I mean, Sasuke and I can always wait for that until we get home."

"Yeah right, how many times have I caught you guys making out here?" Sakura shot back, rising to his challenge immediately. "That's how I found out about you in the first place, if you'll remember."

"Well…ah, I guess sometimes I'm too irresistible, and Sasuke can't wait!" Naruto's laughter was cut off by the sharp hit to the back of his neck by Sasuke, which knocked him unconscious.

"Okay…well I guess that's enough training for today." Sakura laughed nervously as Sasuke slung Naruto's body over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes, his face fixed in a bad-tempered glower. "We're still having the party tonight, right?"

"Unfortunately." Sasuke confirmed.

"Great! We'll be over at seven!" Sakura waved to an unresponsive Sasuke as he leapt into the trees, leaving her alone with Sai. "Are you excited?" she asked him.

"Hm? Oh, yes, the party." Sai cleared his throat and furrowed his brow to clear his thoughts of how good it had felt on the ground to have Sakura under him, and various other dirty thoughts. "Yes, I am very excited for the party. It will be an excellent chance to socialize on a grander level than ever before. Do you think I am ready for such a thing?"

"Well, if not, we can always leave early!" Sakura grabbed his hand and pulled him to walk on the path back to Konoha with her, rather than taking the quicker path through the treetops. "I'd rather spend the evening with you, whether we're at a party or not, right?"

"R—right." Sai felt himself blush as he let the warmth that came to him from that statement wash over him. He always preferred to spend his time with Sakura, but that was natural, since he was in love with her. If she preferred to spend her time with him, could it mean that she returned his feelings? He decided to simply take Sasuke's advice and do the best he could with what he had before him.

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To be continued…


	19. Chapter 19

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 19

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"Hinata's been telling me all about it. Neji's been writing to her, you know, and I figured he might be, so I just nagged her until she admitted it." Tenten giggled as she talked to Sakura in a low tone. "I mean, it wasn't like I didn't _already_ know where he'd gone and all, so it wasn't that hard to convince her to let me keep up with what he's doing, since I'm his old teammate."

"Are they going to put someone else on Team Gai now to take up the spot left over?" Sakura asked, flushing slightly from the drink and their discussion of how Neji and Gaara were doing.

"Well, I'll tell you, Tsunade was considering shifting Sai off of Team Seven and putting him with us, and then having you three work with Kakashi again." Tenten told her. "But I said that was totally out of the question, and I said you'd be really angry because of how close you two are now. Tsunade's playing with the idea of just waiting until after the jounin exams. And she said she'd probably just shuffle the teams so that people of the same level were all working together. I don't know if she really will, though, people would be really upset if she split teams up like that. It's hard enough being left behind at a lower level, anyway." Tenten gave a slight frown. This year would be her second attempt to join Neji at the jounin level. Sakura felt she understood her nervousness for the upcoming exam.

"Can you imagine if she tried to split up Naruto and Sasuke?" Sakura giggled to lighten the mood. "He'd pitch such a fit!"

"Which _one_?" Tenten asked, and both girls burst into laughter, drawing Ino's attention. She left Shikamaru, who was actually having a good time, because Sasuke, who hated socializing as much as he did, had immediately agreed to play shogi with him when asked, as an excuse to not talk to people.

"Hey!" Ino joined them "To the new couple!" she toasted Sakura the same way a lot of their friends had been toasting that night, and Sakura was obligated to drink with her. She wished people would stop toasting Sai and her, or she would be very drunk and possibly very sick by the end of the night, and the party had only just started. "Oh! Here comes Chouji!" she waved to her other teammate who was just arriving, carrying his own supply of chips. "I hope you've had your fill of food." She spoke in a low tone to the girls and winked, giggling as she went to help her friend with his burden.

"Have you guys seen Kiba?" Naruto came in from the main room where most of the guests were gathered, which was why Sakura and Tenten had stepped outside of the room to discuss Gaara and Neji, and one reason Sasuke had felt it would be very good to play shogi in the kitchen where there was relative peace.

"Not yet, maybe he's waiting for Hinata to get ready?" Tenten guessed.

"I don't know, he wears way more makeup." Sakura indicated by brushing her fingers over her cheeks where Kiba typically had two red triangles painted. "Is Kiba bringing—"

"The alcohol, yeah, I couldn't convince Sasuke to buy more than _one_ bottle of sake! He wouldn't buy any beer or liquor or anything! What kind of fun party is _that_? He kept whining about how people'd puke all over the tatami mats." He waved his hands as if this was a ridiculous concern. "I _told_ him, if you care so much about your stupid tatami mats, why do you _walk_ on them all the time?"

"Yeah, well, I guess that—" Tenten giggled slightly as he flounced off in a huff and turned to Sakura, her shoulders shaking in mirth. "How did we _never_ guess that he was gay?"

"I don't know, I was tricked by the rampant attempts to date me." She giggled as well. "So what does Hinata say, exactly?"

"She said they're happy, and that Neji's thinking of coming back to visit when Gaara comes here to witness the end of the jounin exam, you know, see who gets promoted and all that." Tenten offered. "They're definitely living together. But of course, Neji's not really telling a lot, you know how he is. We'll have to grill Temari next time she's in town."

"Really." Sakura was a bit disappointed. "I bet she knows all the juicy bits."

"I know! This is horrible, we have Sasuke and Naruto, but there's no chance of really finding out much unless you get Naruto alone." Tenten grumbled.

"Or drunk." Sakura's eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh…Tenten, I'm hatching a plan. Where's Ino? We'll need her help."

"Sakura!" Sai looked very relieved when he saw his girlfriend making her way back to the main room, where he was coming from. "I'm glad you are coming back. They keep making me drink, and I do not like the taste very much, and I also feel a bit fuzzy, and I believe I may be getting _drunk_, as they say."

"No, you're fine right now." Tenten opined as they ushered him back into the main area. "Maybe a little buzzed."

"I was going to ask you," Sakura hissed to Tenten. "Do you know if Lee is coming?"

"I don't, but if he does, remember to keep him out of the drink." Tenten returned and Sakura frowned slightly as they entered the room. She regained her excitement when she spotted Ino at the door to the kitchen, clearly trying to complain until Shikamaru gave up on ignoring people, and with a quick kiss on Sai's cheek, she left him to discuss her plans with the other girl.

"Kiba!" Naruto hopped over the table he was surrounding with Chouji and a very stoic Shino, nearly knocking over Tenten and Sai in his excited attempts to reach his friend. "Oh, hey, Hinata, good to see you, too."

"We've got the booze!" Kiba called out excitedly, causing Sai to groan slightly, and a suddenly concerned Sasuke to exit the kitchen, much to the chagrin of his shogi partner. He was holding up two large bags, out of which he pulled several bottles that Naruto helped him arrange on the table while Hinata quietly carried a large case of beer to the kitchen.

"What's going on?" Sasuke glared at Hinata as she passed, and she attempted to make herself smaller, greeting Shikamaru as she attempted to find a place to keep the beer cold. "Why is there all this alcohol?"

"I _told_ you it's a party!" Naruto exclaimed, abandoning his bartender duties to go wrap his arms around Sasuke's neck and look up at him with wide, pleading eyes. "We have lots of _food_, too! It's important."

"Great, that way people can get nachos _and_ beer all over the floor." Sasuke grumbled. "You know, these mats have been here since—"

"Seriously, _enough_ with the mats! Let me fix you a drink, grumpy." Naruto pulled Sasuke over to the table, where Kiba and him immediately began mixing and distributing drinks.

"We also brought some beer, I think Hinata had—" Kiba paused as a thoroughly resigned looking Shikamaru came out carrying a large bowl that had been filled with ice and beer. "Excellent job, guys! Set it here." He patted the end table, moving a lamp to make room.

"Be careful with that lamp. My mother used—" Sasuke was quieted by Naruto shoving a drink into his hands with a very pointed expression.

"Have _fun._" He told his boyfriend very sternly. Sasuke heaved a great sigh, and sat down next to Naruto as Ino and Sakura came to join the circle that was forming around the main table.

"We should play a game!" Ino called out, and Tenten could see this must be part of whatever plan it was that Sakura had been talking about from the way the girls were both looking as though everyone in the room was about to fall into a horribly insidious trap. She was not sure whether she would like the plan or not, but couldn't see the harm in finding out what they were up to.

"Yeah, that'd be fun!" Naruto was immediately excited by this suggestion.

"Like a drinking game!" Kiba seconded, and both boys hit their cups together and took drinks to show their agreement.

"Oh, I think I know one that could be fun!" Sakura struck now that the crowd seemed to be interested. "Has anyone ever played truth or dare?"

"I'm going home." Shikamaru stood up, and was immediately yanked back down to the ground by Ino, whose smile looked like she might be either very happy, or very ready to bite his head off.

"I used to play that when I was little." Tenten volunteered, thinking that she might know where this was going. "Is there a drinking version?"

"Yeah, don't you like…have to drink if you don't do it…er…" Naruto screwed up his face and began laughing. "Yeah, I don't know the rules."

"Wow, surprise, something you don't know." Sasuke deadpanned, and he seemed rather disappointed when everyone assumed he was joking and laughed. No one took him seriously now that he had a boyfriend.

"How it works is that someone asks you a truth, and if you don't want to do it, you do a dare instead." Sakura explained when the laughter died down. "The truth is something like, if for example, I had Ino, I could say, does Shikamaru ever call you any pet names? And she could either answer, and then take a drink, or she could choose to do the dare, and then I could dare her to do something…I don't know, usually something embarrassing or silly or whatever, and then she can do that and take _two_ drinks. But if she won't do either, she has to take _three_ drinks, and she doesn't get to pick the next person."

"Do we just go clockwise or spin a bottle or do you want to draw names?" Everyone looked at Hinata in vague surprise that she seemed so interested. "What? I know games, too!"

"She _is_ Kiba's girlfriend." Ino spoke up then. "I knew she had a wild side." Everyone laughed again, and it was decided that they would draw names so no one got left out. Sai was excited to be able to be helpful here, pulling out the small notebook he always carried and writing out everyone's name while Chouji went to the kitchen to get a bowl, mysteriously coming back with one empty one and one full of ice cream. Naruto made a face at Sakura and she immediately started laughing as she remembered his comment about them always having plenty of ice cream in the house. No one else seemed to notice Chouji's snack as he handed over the empty bowl, and just as the game was about to start, Lee arrived.

"I am sorry to be late!" he bowed deeply as he entered, and Naruto, who had a slight buzz now giggled and gestured for him to come in.

"It's fine, come on, grab some food and a drink! We're about to play truth or dare!" he seemed to be more excited than usual about everything, which was saying something for Naruto.

"Yeah, with fucking booze!" Kiba swept his arms to indicate the spread in front of them.

"Oh, thank you very much I think I'll—" Tenten could see immediately what was about to happen, so she leapt up and pulled Lee down between her and Chouji.

"Sit with me! I haven't seen you for ages it seems!" she smiled brightly and hoped that it didn't seem too forced. She did really care about Lee as a friend and teammate, but she was usually a bit more distant with him.

"Tenten, of course I would like to share this sunshine of youth and friendship with you." Lee answered solemnly. "But did we not train together only yesterday?"

"Well…I meant…I haven't seen you…except for training." Tenten flushed as she felt everyone's eyes on her. "And missions."

"If this is a drinking game, does this mean I will be drinking more of the _booze_?" Sai was asking Sakura with some concern.

"Yeah, you'll drink till you puke!" Kiba raised his glass in excitement and him and Naruto toasted again while Sasuke looked decidedly displeased. Tenten quickly explained the game to Lee while trying to make signals to Naruto not to put any alcohol in his drink, and Sai wrote out another name to put in the bowl.

"Who goes first?" Lee asked after he understood the rules and accepted his drink and a plate of food Chouji handed him after piling more than most humans could eat on it, ostensibly because he knew he could sneak bites off the plate when Lee wasn't looking.

"I think Sakura should go first because she came up with the game." Hinata offered diplomatically, and everyone agreed. She smiled and drew a name out of the bowl, looking around to draw out the suspense before she turned on her victim.

"Shikamaru, truth or dare?" she smiled sweetly at him.

"I knew it." He grumbled and immediately lay down, pretending to fall asleep. Ino rolled her eyes.

"Just ask him. I'll pinch him until he answers." She smiled at the other kunoichi and Sakura tapped her chin in thought.

"Okay…what does your mom _really_ think of Ino?" both girls laughed as though this were a great joke, and Ino started poking Shikamaru, who finally cracked his eye open.

"Can I hear what the dare is before I decide?" he asked, and Ino suddenly went pale, her eyes wide.

"You said your mom liked me!" she yelped.

"He's just playing strategically," Shino spoke up from between Tenten and Hinata.

"No, you can either agree to do the truth or I pick a dare for you, you don't get to hear both." Sakura finally answered, while next to her, Ino glared at her boyfriend, who mumbled something completely unintelligible.

"You have to say it so we can hear!" Kiba called out. "Sit up, man, or we'll like…pour something on you." It was clear from the look on Sasuke's face that if Kiba carried through with this threat, he would not live long to enjoy his prank, but Shikamaru had known Kiba too long to doubt that he could soon have hair soaked in vodka, and he sat up, looking very put off.

"She said that Ino's very sweet, but she seems like a hussy." Shikamaru grumbled after a long moment of considering his choices. "I explained the shirt makes it easier for you to move, and I like how it looks, but she's kind of old-fashioned about some things."

"She said…I'm a ninja!" Ino spoke up in anger.

"Well, yeah, but Sakura's belly is all covered." Chouji pointed out helpfully. "Sai's isn't, though. You should take Sai to meet your mom, Shikamaru!"

"I can't believe she said that!" Ino grumbled.

"I hate this damn game." Shikamaru took a drink and glared at the bowl in front of him. "And she says way worse stuff about my dad and me, so honestly, you should take it as a compliment."

"Really!" Ino subsided into a pout as Shikamaru drew a name and looked at his other neighbor with a sluggishness that could have been due to the drink, his feelings about the game, his natural laziness, or all three. "Chouji."

"Ooh, this'll be good!" Tenten momentarily forgot that she was making sure Lee didn't get any alcohol, and craned her neck to see what would happen. Shikamaru and Chouji had been best friends since they could barely walk. He must know plenty of interesting things…

"Do you prefer pork dumplings or chicken?" Shikamaru asked, and everyone but Chouji groaned.

"Pork! But there _are _these chicken curry buns they just started making at the—" he was cut off by Ino shoving the bowl under his face.

"You are _horrible_ at this game." She told her boyfriend. "Chouji, you better step it up or I'll be ashamed to know _both_ of you."

"Oh…okay." Chouji quickly took a drink and pulled out a name.

"Tragedy." Shikamaru grumbled. "Does that mean I'll have to take 'Truth or Dare Grand Master of Konoha' off my list of skills for the jounin application?"

"You are such a smart ass." Ino slammed the bowl down and Chouji looked from his friends to the slip of paper to all the food, back to his friends.

"Okay, um, Tenten…" Chouji frowned, his plump face twisting in concentration as he tried to quickly think up a question that would satisfy Ino and possibly get Shikamaru out of trouble. If he could just think of something really interesting… "Where did Neji really go?"

"Oh!" Tenten went pale. She knew the answer of course, but she wasn't sure it was really her place to tell. She didn't want to lie, so instead she looked at Hinata for guidance, and the other girl frowned before nodding slightly. "Okay, well first just in case you guys don't know, there's a _very_ strict rule when it comes to truth and dare. You can't repeat the information you learn during a game unless all the people who played it are there and they're all in the same place. So basically, this is a secret, please don't tell anyone, because if it got to Neji's uncle…well, he'd be pissed."

"You knew?" Ino gasped. "I had no idea you _knew_ where he went! I thought, maybe Hinata, but I knew she'd never tell. Damn, I wasted valuable interrogation time."

"He went to the Village of the Hidden Sand. That's where he's living right now." Tenten explained.

"Why did he go there?" Naruto was interested, and she shook her head.

"You can only ask one question per turn." Hinata defended Tenten, who smiled at her gratefully. She felt bad just for telling what she did know, even though Neji had only said not to say anything until he left. She really felt it was his place to tell his friends about his relationship with Gaara.

"High five, Chouji!" Ino reached across her boyfriend, who was now slumped over the table pretending to be asleep. "I totally didn't expect that!"

"My turn!" Tenten wanted to move on quickly, she felt a little ashamed, but she knew all these people, and she knew they wouldn't tell Neji's uncle the truth. In any case, if Neji really did come back with Gaara in six weeks for the jounin exams, everyone would know where he went then in any case. She took her drink and quickly drew. "Oh! I got Sakura…is that okay, if you've already gone?"

"Well, for the first round, it sometimes works out that way." Sakura seemed genuinely unconcerned, but Tenten was sure she was hoping for another chance to draw Sasuke or Naruto. "Go ahead!"

"Okay…" she thought for a moment, glancing at Lee, who seemed to be paying close attention. Did he know about Sai and Sakura yet? Probably not. She hadn't heard about him challenging Sai to a battle of honor or something ridiculous like that yet. Of course, then all she could think of were questions about Sakura's love life, and they all seemed like they would just agitate Lee or Sai or both, but suddenly she hit on something that seemed rather obvious. "Do Naruto and Sasuke ever do anything…er, that _isn't_ really training when you guys are training." Everyone burst into laughter, except for Sasuke, who seemed to become more annoyed than ever. But then, he was always annoyed, so Tenten felt that she had really chosen the best possible question for this situation.

"Yes! Oh man, I bet they do!" Kiba roared with laughter, and Naruto, though he was blushing, could not seem to stop laughing as well.

"Well, interestingly _enough_, that's how I found out they'd been seeing each other secretly. They were just kissing, but still, it made the situation pretty clear." Sakura told them with a small smile on her lips. Sai was amazed to see her talk about the incident without a hint of the pain she'd gone through. "But they thought they were alone, then, so I'm sure there are those of us who have abused training grounds in _that_ situation," she gave Ino such a pointed look that the girl went bright red to the roots of her hair. "Usually they know better."

"Thanks, Sakura." Naruto smiled at her warmly as she took her drink and drew the next name. Tenten could see from the look on her face that she had not gotten what she wanted.

"Shino, truth or dare!" she did her best to appear enthusiastic in any case, and Tenten tilted her head, wondering what Sakura could think of to ask Shino, who had been their friend for years, and who she still feel she knew very little about. "Do you have a crush on anyone?" Everyone seemed to think this was just as hilarious as Tenten's question, and Shino's cheeks, visible just over the collar of his coat, pinked slightly.

"I think I'll take the dare." He said. Everyone groaned, and Sakura made a big show of thinking something up before daring Shino to take off his jacket and sunglasses for a whole hour.

"You'll need to dim the lights," Hinata piped up as he stood up mechanically and began to unzip his jacket. "He's very sensitive to light because of the hive."

"I didn't know that!" Naruto exclaimed as he jumped up to turn off the lamps so there was enough light to see, but not so much that he'd be uncomfortable. "I thought you just liked being all mysterious all the time."

"I assure you, I would rather not be quite this covered on hot days." Shino explained, and he set down his glasses and jacket on the couch before rejoining the circle.

"Whoa!" Ino exclaimed. "You know, you're pretty hot, Shino!" Shikamaru instantly "woke up" and dedicated himself to glaring at the bug ninja.

"Um…thank you?" Shino blushed slightly and coughed, clearly never having been told this before. Hinata patted his hand warmly and Tenten tried not to gape at the man next to her. She had never realized how good looking Shino was under his jacket and glasses. His features were sharp without being feminine, and his eyes were a piercing ice blue. She realized that after spending years on the same team as Neji Hyuuga, she should be used to being in close proximity with attractive men, but Neji had always seemed to her not to have any interest in women, so that had somehow made it easier. But Shino seemed indescribably appealing to her. She stared at Lee to avoid blushing, and finished her drink in a great gulp that left her choking.

"Oh no! Shino's sexiness is killing Tenten!" Naruto laughed and everyone joined in, except Sasuke, who of course took this as a serious offense, and began also glaring at Shino, who was feeling that this was going to be a long hour.

"All these years, I didn't know you were harboring eye candy on your team, Hinata!" Ino giggled, and Hinata let out a soft sigh, now patting Kiba's hand as he immediately took offense to this.

"What about me!?" he asked, clearly upset. "I'm hot! I'm the one with a girlfriend!"

"Calm down, dog boy," Naruto laughed as he passed Tenten another drink. "Your turn now, Shino!"

"Oh, yes." Shino cleared his throat, feeling he must act more stoic than ever now that everyone could see his whole face. Of course, he often took off his jacket at home, but he was not used to being so exposed in front of his friends. He felt suddenly off kilter and took the two drinks in such quick succession that he ended up choking as well. Hinata clapped him on the back and he finally recovered, feeling much less dignified than he had hoped and quickly drew the name. "Kiba."

"Oh fuck." Kiba groaned. Hinata gave him a surprisingly sharp look, and he wilted. "Okay, do your worst."

"There is not much that I do not know about you that I wish to know." Shino surmised. "But it seems the point of this game is to ask questions with embarrassing answers, and I believe I can accomplish that. What exactly do your pajamas look like?"

"I fucking hate you forever, and you are _never _invited over ever again." Kiba glared viciously at his teammate before pouting heavily. "They're red with little dog bones and puppies on them."

"That's a little predictable!" Naruto managed as everyone laughed at the answer, except for Shino, who already knew the answer, and Hinata, who patted his hand reassuringly. "I don't know why you're so upset though, I mean, Hinata still seems to like you."

"I should have done the dare, I hate you guys." Kiba took his drink and glared as the laughter died away. "Yes! Vengeance!" one of his fangs gleamed in the dim light as he looked at the name on his card. "Ino!" The girl in question paled, as she had been laughing quite loudly at the description of Kiba's pajamas. "How far has Shikamaru gotten with you!"

"That is completely inappropriate!" Ino went violet while Shikamaru looked up and started laughing. "You aren't supposed to laugh! This is our private business!"

"Like anyone thinks you're giving it up before you're thirty." Shikamaru rolled his eyes, and she hit him on the back of the head.

"I will take the dare, because I don't really think that's any of your business." She told them in a tight voice. "And I am _sure_ that Shikamaru will do the same if anyone asks _him_!"

"Huh…geez, fine…so troublesome." Shikamaru lay his head back down on the table and resumed his mock sleep, having apparently gotten over his jealousy of Shino, who was relieved only to have Sasuke glaring at him.

"Okay, fine, my dare is for you to show us all your breasts!" Kiba laughed in triumph, and to everyone's shock, he suddenly yelped, and it took a moment to realize that Hinata had actually hit him. "Um…I mean, that's a joke. I wouldn't dare you to do that cause it's…um…demeaning?" at Hinata's slight nod he cleared his throat and went on. "Okay, my real dare is for you to kiss another girl! OW!" he pouted a moment and rubbed his arms. "Okay, _fine_. That was a joke too. My real dare is for you to…um…eat a raw egg!"

"Oh, that's fine then." Ino shrugged and went into the kitchen, came back quickly with an egg, expertly cracked it, and downed it swiftly. "That was weak, Kiba. I used to do that when I was doing strength training. Come up with something a little better next time, really." She washed the egg down with two drinks and a mocking smile. Hinata had hit Kiba twice. She was pretty sure that was the best thing she had ever seen. "My turn!" She looked as excited as Sakura to pull out a name, but ended up looking nearly as disappointed. "Sai."

"Now it is time for me to answer an embarrassing question?" Sai asked Sakura, and she giggled, nodding. He looked past her to see Ino, his attention rapt as he waited for her question. "I have never played a drinking game before." He told her. "Although I have decided that alcohol is disgusting, I am excited."

"Oh, you don't like it?" Naruto asked, perking up immediately. "Here, I'll mix you something that tastes _nothing_ like it."

"Not too strong, please, he's never really had a lot to drink before." Sakura told Naruto, who nodded vaguely, pouring from several different bottles.

"Okay! I know!" Ino clapped her hands together, pleased that she'd come up with something good even though she hadn't drawn who she'd hoped for. "How far have you gotten with Sakura?"

"Ino-pig!" Sakura turned to her friend, aghast. "That's the same exact question Kiba just asked!"

"All's fair in truth and dare." She answered.

"I'm sorry, I seem to have misheard." Lee spoke up, and Tenten groaned, wishing she hadn't been so distracted by Shino. "Did you just ask Sai how far he has been with Sakura? How do you mean?"

"Um, Lee, so, Sai and I are dating." Sakura could not think of any excuse or really good way of telling him, so she just blurted it out. "Sorry I didn't tell you, but I thought you might be a bit upset."

"You…but Sakura-chan, you are my one true love! I have longed for you from the moment we first laid eyes on each other, during the chuunin examination all those years ago! He cannot know you the way that I do!" Lee rose to his feet and pointed at Sai dramatically, who seemed very stunned by all this. "I challenge _you_ to a duel of honor!" Tenten groaned and covered her face with her hands.

"No! You aren't dueling over me! What are you even talking about!?" she shouted at him, standing up as well. "I've told you a million times I'm not interested! Just because you won't give up doesn't mean I'll eventually date you, and it doesn't mean I can't date someone else if I want! You can't just _force_ me to date you instead, even if you could beat up Sai!"

"No fighting in the house!" Sasuke immediately interrupted and Lee was so surprised he sat back down quickly. Sakura sat down as well, and Sai smiled at her adoringly.

"I apologize…I have been rude, and I had meant to have a joyful evening of youthful vigor with all of my friends." Lee slumped where he sat, and Tenten felt so badly she patted him on the back, momentarily forgetting that Shino was very hot, and that he was sitting right next to her.

"Um…so maybe we'll just do a dare." Ino felt a bit foolish, but she hadn't realized that Lee didn't know. "Sai, I dare you to sing a song!"

"A song?" Sai tilted his head to the side. "Oh, yes, I believe I've read about them. They are like poems, correct?"

"Um…are you saying you don't know any songs?" Ino laughed slightly and shook her head. "Okay…um, I guess just take three drinks?"

"Is this my dare?" Sai blinked. "I can tell you how far Sakura and I have been! On one mission, we were sent all the way—"

"That's not what she meant, just drink the drink, and I'll explain it later." Sakura cut him off.

"Oh, that seems reasonable. I wondered what was embarrassing about how far we have traveled." Sai took three drinks of Naruto's concoction and gave a slight hiccup. "That is very delicious, Naruto. It does not taste at all of fermented grain!"

"Uh, yeah, thanks!" Naruto giggled at Sai as he drew out the next name.

"The name is Sasuke." He turned to Sakura. "Now I ask him an embarrassing question?"

"Yes!" Sakura looked like she was bursting to make a suggestion, and Tenten had to bite back her urge to giggle.

"Well, Sasuke, you are most embarrassed by your emotions, so I will ask you to tell everyone all about how you first came to tell Naruto how you felt about him." Sai looked rather pleased with himself, and Ino looked vaguely impressed, but Sakura looked a bit cheated.

"I'll take the dare." Sasuke immediately answered, blushing.

"Awww, Sasuke's embarrassed!" Naruto giggled. "I'll tell the story, then! You see, I'd just—"

"Sharing!" Sasuke clapped a hand over Naruto's mouth, cutting him off. "Like I said. I'll take the dare."

"Okay, let me see." Sai paused and contemplated. "I should ask him to do something he would normally not like to do, is that correct?" he asked Sakura, and she nodded vigorously. "Very well. I dare you to tell us all a very funny joke."

"Fuck you." Sasuke took three drinks and pulled a name viciously out of the bowl. "Lee, do you have any clothes besides that spandex?"

"I have several changes, but…they are all the same." He told Sasuke in a very lackluster tone as he drained his drink. "Just as Sakura-chan's feelings have always been the same toward me, and mine towards her…seem unchangeable, but doomed."

"Are you going to mope for the rest of the game?" Ino asked in annoyance.

"Be nice! How do you think he feels right now?" Tenten defended her teammate. "Lee, you know, if you don't feel like being here you could go home."

"No, I love to share…the springtime of youth." He accepted another drink from Naruto and took a long drink, accepting the bowl that had been passed around to him and drawing out a name. "Naruto." He sighed heavily. "Truth, do you believe that I ever had a chance with Sakura, or do you think there is something I could have done to make her choose me rather than turning to Sai for affection while all this time, I have waited patiently for her?"

"Um…should we keep playing this?" Naruto quirked an eyebrow, finally not giggling at a question.

"Yes, please, I truly wish to know." Lee asked, and Tenten shrugged and nodded at him.

"Well…I mean, you can't choose who you love, right?" Naruto scratched his head. "Most of us have had our hearts broken at some point, but eventually, I think everyone can find someone who will make them happy, and I think there's someone for you, too, Lee, even if it isn't Sakura."

"How can there be anyone but Sakura?" he asked sadly, and Naruto sighed heavily, feeling as though his fun time was suddenly not so fun.

"I used to think that, but now I'm with Sasuke, and I'm much happier." Naruto assured him.

"Yes…that might be true…perhaps this is simply a challenge, like many that I have overcome." Lee seemed to suddenly take heart, and seemed in a much better mood as Naruto took his drink and drew the next name.

"Hinata!" he struggled to think of something that would lighten the mood, but his mind was fuzzy, and it was rough to think of something. "Truth or dare! Did you know how sexy Shino was before tonight!?" This had the desired effect, and everyone laughed, except Sasuke and Shino.

"Yes, I had…I mean, no, I didn't mean that I think he's—I just meant I've seen him! Oh dear…" Hinata went deep red as everyone continued to laugh, except Kiba who seemed very put out.

Shino sighed again. A very long hour, indeed.

-----

"I knew this was going to happen." Sasuke sighed heavily as Kiba slung an unconscious Lee over his shoulders. "I knew, and I said that I hate parties."

"Oh, I am very sorry, Sasuke-kun." Hinata blushed slightly. "Where is Tenten-chan? Usually when this happens Neji-kun or her will help out, but I haven't seen her for some time."

"Yeah, I think she's making out with Mr. Sexy." Kiba grumbled. "I mean, did you see the way she was looking at him? And I haven't seen him since the game ended."

"Would you stop calling Shino that?" Hinata helped him put Lee's body on Akamaru so they could take him home. "He does not like showing his face to people, you know that."

"You never said you thought he was sexy before." Kiba grumbled.

"You know I did not mean it that way." Hinata flushed. "Naruto-kun purposefully worded it so that I would say something like that."

"Where is Naruto, after all?" Kiba frowned slightly. "He was gonna do shots with me and then he just disappeared."

"Yeah, he passed out." Sasuke answered, clearly in a foul mood. "I had to carry him to bed. This way, I can stay up all night cleaning up everything myself."

"We could stay and help!" Hinata volunteered, but Sasuke shook his head.

"I'd rather you get rid of him before he does more damage. He broke three doors and a chair, and it would have been more if Sakura didn't stop him."

"Is she still here? I'm sure she'll help!" Hinata offered, and Sasuke shook his head.

"No, Sai got so drunk she had to take him home." Sasuke answered. "Everyone's either too drunk to help, or they already left. Don't worry, though. I knew already that this would happen. This is the world's way of reminding me that I hate parties."

"Oh…well, we had fun!" Hinata made the best of it as Kiba and her left with Lee slung over Akamaru and the Uchiha compound in shambles.

-----

To be continued…


	20. Chapter 20

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 20

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Sai woke up to a horrible ache in his head, and a thick, fatigue feeling blanketing his usually sharp senses. He noticed that he was in his own bed, but he could not recall how he arrived here, and indeed could not recall very much of last night. His first response to all of this was alarm. Had he been attacked and captured in his own apartment by an enemy? Possibly a spy posing as a normal citizen or ninja of Konoha village?

Alert, but feeling sure he must be suffering the after effects of some poison, Sai crept from his bed and followed the vague sounds he could hear coming from the kitchen after grabbing a pair of kunai.

Something smelled rather good, but Sai felt queasy, possibly because of the poison, and could not begin to think of eating. He could tell there was one person in his kitchen from the noises, but he was having a hard time telling if there were more or how strong they might be, due to his currently damaged senses. They must have used a poison meant to dull the senses and make the reflexes slow, which was rather sensible. However, if they were meaning to keep Sai captured, they should have done something more to restrain him, and they _definitely_ should not have left weapons within reach.

Carefully, he peered around the doorway and spotted a figure in front of his stove. Without hesitation, he leapt at them, kunai poised to strike.

"Sai!" Sakura intercepted his strike by instinct with his metal spatula, and Sai immediately fell back in confusion. "If I thought I'd put my life in danger making you breakfast, I would have just slept in this morning." She sighed at him heavily and gestured to the coffee pot just behind her. "Coffee?"

"Was I poisoned?" he blurted out, still confused and disoriented. "I can barely recall what happened last night…we went to a party, correct?"

"Yes, and we all learned you can't hold your liquor." Sakura poured the cup of coffee and handed it to him even though he hadn't confirmed that he wanted some, a small smile on her lips despite the fact that he had almost attacked her a few moments ago. "I had to practically carry you back here, you could barely stand at the end of the night."

"That must be why I have no memory of returning to my apartment." Sai nodded as he sipped the coffee, hoping it would help the cobwebs obscuring his mind. "And now you are making me breakfast?"

"Yeah, I figured you'd have a bit of a hangover." She turned to the eggs and stirred them a bit. "So I came over as soon as I woke up and let myself in. Didn't mean to have you think I was an intruder, but I guess that's what I get for dating a ninja."

"Well, you are also a ninja, Sakura." Sai told her, watching as she scraped the eggs out onto a plate for him. "I am sure you would have reacted similarly if you found yourself in my situation."

"I doubt it." Sakura handed him the plate, which also had bacon and toast on it, and ushered him over to the table. "But I guess that's what makes you a better ninja than me."

"I think you are a good ninja." Sai told her, eyeing the clearly burnt toast and brown eggs before deciding to eat a strip of bacon. It was surprisingly good, and he did not immediately feel like vomiting, as he had suspected he might, so he continued eating. "But it is true that one of your worst failings is that you often let your guard down and are caught by surprise."

"Thanks, you're so romantic." She shook her head as she helped herself to a glass of water and sat down next to him. "Is it good?" she wrinkled her nose as he hesitantly ate a mouthful of the brown eggs.

"Yes, actually." He told her. "I am surprised, as they look overcooked, but they are not rubbery or disgusting at all."

Sakura laughed, clearly not taking offense at this. "Yeah, sorry about that. I can make food that tastes fine usually, but it never really looks good. My mother never really had the patience to teach me, so I kinda had to figure it out on my own."

"I could show you." Sai told her between mouthfuls. "Although, these eggs, while not visually pleasing as my own, are much more appetizing. Perhaps if we blended our styles, we could create the perfect breakfast."

"Yeah, let's just quit this whole "ninja" thing and open a restaurant." Sakura joked. She laughed as he bit into her toast and was unable to conceal his grimace. "Yeah, sorry, I was making the eggs, and they kinda caught fire."

"Well…I still enjoy your breakfast." Sai assured her, sipping his coffee. "No one has ever made food for me in my own home before."

"I'd promise to make you lots of food," Sakura giggled as he forced himself to complete the charred toast, leaving black dust on his lips and cheeks. "But that might be more like a threat. It's kinda sad, really, because I can make perfect herbal teas and poultices and things, but I can't even make toast without burning it."

"I am glad you're here, even though I thought you were an enemy spy who had captured me." Sai told her as he washed down the toast with another gulp of coffee. "I have seen that people who are in love, or _dating_, such as we are, often do small favors, or gestures, to show their feelings in a non-verbal fashion, and this confirmation of your affection is very wonderful to me, even if it is slightly burnt."

"I'll just take that as a thank you." Sakura laughed at him and borrowed his cup, taking a drink of coffee without asking.

"Oh, did you want a cup of coffee?" Sai tilted his head at her at the nonchalant way she had shared his beverage, but she shook her head and returned to her own water.

"No, I just wanted a bit, you know, since I got up so early." She shrugged. "I don't want to stunt my growth. I'm already the shortest person on the team, and I don't want you guys getting any taller than me."

"I see, you are trying to sabotage me." Sai nodded and she laughed. "Thank you for this. I feel that my _hangover_ is no longer quite as intense. My headache is nearly gone, and I feel much less like I am going to be sick."

"See! Works every time." She flashed the V for victory sign. "I'm sure Naruto's feeling at least as bad as you were, but Sasuke was pretty pissed off, so I bet he's making his _own_ breakfast, if he can even drag himself out of bed."

"I believe that I will never drink again." Sai told her. "It seems very foolish. It tastes very bad, and it makes you weak and open to attack. Also, it makes you sick. I do not understand why anyone would want to drink in the first place."

"That's fine with me." She told him, emptying her water. "I don't really want to have to carry you home again. Although…well, I'm sure you don't remember this, but right before we left, you were giggling like crazy at everything. It was weird at first, but it was kind of nice to see you so…I don't know, so carefree. I think you spend too much energy looking out for attacks and being such a perfect ninja all the time, you forget to let go and have fun every once in a while."

"Hmm…" Sai considered this, and then brightened up considerably. "I have fun when I am with you."

"Then I suppose I'll have to stay with you." She leaned over and kissed him quickly before clearing up the dishes. "Now, seriously, take a shower. You stink of liquor something horrible." Sai followed her direction, and she cleaned up the dishes, feeling oddly contented as she rinsed off the clean dishes and began to dry them. It was almost like she lived here with him, doing little chores like this. The idea made her flush, and she flushed even deeper as she recalled the night before, when she had put him to bed, and he had held onto her, refusing to let her leave him to sleep alone until he had completely passed out. Despite the smell of liquor on his breath, and the fact that he'd been incoherent, it had felt nice to almost fall asleep with him. However, the thought of her mother's interrogation had kept her awake and made her return home well past midnight.

It was odd, they had been dating for nearly a month, and while some ideas of things that were to come scared her, the idea of living together appealed to her. She blushed as she thought that it was possible they might someday become married, and the question of children entered her mind. This was a real relationship, she realized, and she was taking it as seriously as Sai was. Did she love him?

Her line of thought was cut short by a knock on the door which surprised her so much she nearly dropped the pan she'd been scrubbing, and covered up her shock by rinsing off her hands and fussing with the towel as she dried them off and smoothed down her clothes unnecessarily, considering how it might appear if she answered Sai's door this early in the morning. Should she just ignore it? It certainly wasn't someone looking for her, as her mother knew where she was and would have no reason to chase after her only an hour after she'd left the house. The knocking was rather insistent, so after a further moment of consideration, she felt her hair, making sure it did not look messy after cooking and cleaning, and opened the door with much more confidence than she truly felt.

"Sakura-chan!" It was Lee, another person she would have thought would currently be in bed nursing a serious hangover, but clearly his usual energetic gung-ho attitude was not affected by the after effects of a serious amount of alcohol. "Am I too late? Has Sai stolen your virtue along with you affections? I never trusted him! I was coming here to let him know that as rivals in love, I shall no longer consider him a friend unless he is willing to bow out and relinquish his claim on you, but I see now that I will not be able to forgive him!"

"Lee!" Sakura felt herself blushing and looked around, hoping that Lee and Sai would not see each other. She was not in the mood for a duel of honor, or whatever it was that Lee would surely challenge Sai to. She ushered him outside and stepped onto the front stoop, closing the door so she could speak to Lee without Sai walking in on them. Plus, the thought of Lee seeing Sai come out of the shower worried her as well, as it clearly would only support his suspicions of what she was doing. "Nothing like that is going on! I came over to make him breakfast, and even if it was what you thought, it wouldn't really be your business! I'm with Sai, and even if you two dueled and you defeated him, which you _wouldn't_, I would _still _be with him. You can't just win me like a trophy!"

"I know that, Sakura-chan!" Lee looked offended at her implication. "Of course I know that! I would not be battling for that reason, I would be battling to defend your honor, and to show Sai that he does not deserve your affections, even if you have shown him favor! I have told you a thousand times how deeply I love you, and though you continually brush me aside, I continue to feel this strongly. I was not discouraged by your feelings for Sasuke, and I will not be averted by this obstacle, either! If I were to give up on you, it would show that my feelings were never true to begin with. I remain confident that someday, you will see that though I have my faults, my love for you is flawless. If there is one person out there for every other person, then I know that you will eventually find it in your heart to love me, as I know without a doubt that you are the only person for me."

"Lee," Sakura felt exhausted, and had no idea what to say in response to Lee's soliloquy. "Don't you understand that I don't feel that way? I mean…I'm sure there _is_ someone out there meant just for you, but it isn't me! I know you think I'm going to wake up one day and suddenly see you in a whole new light, but I just…I'm really sorry, but I can't find it in myself to feel the way you want me to."

"Perhaps if we went on a date." Lee suggested, clearly not deterred. "I think that if you were to seriously consider this possibility, you would see that I feel much more strongly for you than Sai does."

"It's not a competition!" Sakura shook her head in frustration. "Why can't you understand that? I mean…this village is full of girls! Why don't you just find another one?!"

"Sakura, I have told you," Lee repeated. "You are the only girl for me, and I will not rest until you are mine." He winked at her and gave her a thumbs up before turning to leave. Feeling exasperated and slightly concerned about what Lee might try to do to Sai, she turned and re-entered the apartment.

"Ah, there you are." Sai was standing in the living room wearing only a towel around his waist. His hair was damp, and his pale skin was pink from the heat of the shower. Sakura struggled to not watch the progress of a droplet of water over his chest and down his abdomen, disappearing as it hit the towel. She knew, of course, that Sai was attractive, but it struck her now that even though his normal clothing showed off his well-toned abs, she had never seen him _without_ that shirt on, and she had never seen him without pants on. He was a very private person, and reserved in his own way, and while Naruto would occasionally take off his shirt while training, Sai always stayed fully clothed, no matter how hot it became, or how hard he worked.

Sakura felt the blood rushing to her cheeks, and suddenly felt a wave of heat pass over her entire body. Her mouth was dry and her knees felt weak, and she felt a sudden dizziness wash over her. She felt as though her heart was beating so loudly Sai could probably hear it, and he must be able to tell that she was staring at him and thinking of things that were inappropriate. She tore her eyes away from his exposed skin and stared at her feet studiously.

"I thought you left while I was in the shower." Sai told her, not aware of Sakura's sudden difficulty. "And I had hoped that we could spend the day enjoying each other's company, as that is a very typical pastime of dating couples, I have noticed."

"Ah, yeah," Sakura coughed and glanced up at Sai running his fingers through his wet hair before returning her eyes to the floor. "Yeah, that'd be…fun." She wondered if she should mention that it had been Lee at the door, or if she could really be trusted to say anything sensible while she was busy thinking about how nice his skin looked. He was so pale he made her look tan, and she had always liked the pale, peaches and cream tone of her own skin, but Sai was paler than Sasuke or her or anyone she'd ever known, and it made her wonder if his skin was as smooth as it looked. She wondered if it was hot or cold, and she wondered how it would smell, or taste.

As her thoughts wandered down these lines, she felt the wave of heat overwhelm her again, and she once more felt she might faint. She felt it was distinctly unfair that she was so plain in appearance, and yet Sai could easily affect her this strongly simply by walking around in a towel. It made her wonder once more what it was that he saw in her, and she had the sudden concerning idea that the only reason Sai was dating her was because he felt comfortable around her, and he was still so naïve. Certainly, he didn't realize that he really could have any girl he wanted. He was gorgeous, and while he wasn't always sure of what to say or do, he was always learning, and he was always well-intended. It was really only a matter of time before he realized that he was too good for her, and found himself a more attractive girlfriend.

"Are you okay?" Sai asked, tilting his head at her. "You seem distracted. If you do not want to have together time with me today, I will not be angry. I understand that you may have other ways you would like to spend your time."

"No, no, it really does sound fun." Sakura looked up, feeling strangely sad at the thought that while she might be enjoying their time together now, it was almost certainly something that would end sooner or later. Just a while ago, she had been thinking happily of what it might be like to live together, or to be married, but now that seemed unlikely. Surely he would realize before things could ever go that far that he could do better. In the end, it really didn't matter if she did love him or not, because certainly he would not love her for that much longer. There was no point in wondering over her feelings. There was no point in trying to grow closer to him, if he was just going to break her heart.

"Good, because that is my favorite thing to do." Sai reached out and squeezed her shoulder, and while she was still aware of how good he looked, she felt as though she might start crying at the unfairness of it all. It was as though life was giving her a sample of something wonderful, and then snatching it away as soon as she began to appreciate it. "You were my best friend before you became my girlfriend, of course, so I have always been able to have fun, as you wish me to do, when I am with you."

"Yes, that's true," she leaned in, kissing him lightly. "Go ahead and get dressed, we can go get some non-burnt food."

"Or we could buy more foods for you to burn!" Sai suggested, laughing as he turned to go get his clothes on. Sakura sighed as he left the room, but while she was sad, she felt slightly better as she realized that even if it _didn't_ matter in the long run, she should enjoy this while she could. After all, what Sai said was true. They had been friends for a few years now, and she hoped that they could remain friends even if they did not continue to see each other romantically. She should just enjoy this as much as possible while she could.

After all, she might be wrong, and maybe if she was lucky, this could be something to last much longer than she expected, but there was no point in ruining what time they did have by worrying constantly about when he might leave her.

Maybe she did love him, and if she did, she wanted to be happy with him.

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To be continued…


	21. Chapter 21

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 21

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"This is so nice!" Ino giggled as Shikamaru followed Sai into the kitchen. "If we stay out here, do you think they'll just cook everything?"

"Hey, I'm much better now." Sakura couldn't stop herself from giggling in response. "The other day, I made onigiri, and only one of them fell apart."

"How many did you make?" Ino teased. "One?"

"Oh, ha ha." Sakura shook her head. "Honestly, he is a lot better than me, but I really have gotten better. He's a really patient teacher. Once, I accidentally lit him on fire and he didn't get mad at all."

"You lit Sai on fire?" Ino quirked an eyebrow. "How'd you even do that?"

"Okay, it was just his sleeve." Sakura waved dismissively. "But seriously, I'm better than I was."

"Yeah, okay." Ino rolled her eyes. "So are you like pregnant, or is there another reason you're giving us special dinner?"

"Ino!" Sakura slapped her arm lightly as both girls laughed. "Yeah right! No, I just thought it would be nice to kind of say thanks, because I know you two helped Sai a lot with…everything, and it's almost two months now, so I was just thinking it might be nice."

"Yeah, he was pretty hopeless before my guidance." Ino smiled evilly, and then leaned in. "But seriously, are you guys…you know…"

"Would you stop?" Sakura hissed, her voice an urgent whisper. "Are you kidding? He's my first boyfriend, and it's been two months. I didn't just jump him after the second date or anything."

"Such a prude." Ino yawned airily, and Sakura now punched her in the arm. "What? Someday, you too will be a woman, and then maybe I can give you some tips."

"You and Shikamaru dated for _ages_ before you would do anything like that with him." Sakura returned, her tone still low. "So I don't think you have a lot of room to judge."

"I don't know, I just heard that sometimes you spend the night." Ino shrugged airily.

"You're such a gossip!" Sakura scowled. "Where did you even hear that from?"

"Spy network." Ino answered with an overly innocent look on her face.

"Yeah, okay." Sakura rolled her eyes. "I have spent the night, but it's totally innocent! Mom approves of him and everything. He's a good boy, he wouldn't just take advantage of me."

"He's a ninja, Sakura." Ino pointed out. "He's laying a trap and you're stepping right into it."

"I'm a ninja, too." Sakura stuck her tongue out. "I could be the one laying the trap."

"Well, he _does_ have a hot body." Ino rubbed her chin and Sakura gasped in indignation. "What? He does."

"You are such a whore." Sakura glared, and Ino returned it before both girls burst into good-natured laughter. "I wonder if the boys are okay in the kitchen alone?"

"Probably talking about us." Ino guessed.

----------

"You guys seem to be getting along or whatever." Shikamaru noted as he slumped over the counter, not wanting to actually work while he was in the kitchen, but also not wanting to try and pretend he was interested in whatever inane babble Sakura and Ino usually reverted to whenever they got together. "That's good."

"Yes, and thank you very much," Sai beamed, knowing from past experience that it was considered a chore for Shikamaru to bring himself to help or comment on relations between his friends. "I don't know where I would be without all of your advice and teaching. I am very happy now, and I hope Ino and you are happy as well."

"Yeah, yeah." Shikamaru straightened up slightly, but Sai did not seem to see that something suspicious was going on, as he was concentrated on checking the chicken breasts he was steaming, and did not see the change of posture. "You might even say you owe me."

"Yes, I could term it in that way, I suppose." Sai turned his attention to the salad, since he could see his chicken had a few more minutes, and the rice was still not ready either. "If you were to ever ask a favor of me, I would not hesitate—"

"Great, cause I have one to ask." Shikamaru was now sitting up fully, looking eager and slightly desperate.

"To…I'm sorry?" Sai looked up, his knife poised mid-chop through a scallion.

"Look, it's no big deal, really, and it'll probably only be like a week, anyway." Shikamaru explained, trying not to feel unnerved by Sai's look of undivided attention. "But Tsunade's being a real pain about it, and she said I have to get a volunteer to take over, because she just thinks it's funny, I'm sure, but I don't really think it's worth the trouble to go along with her—"

"Shikamaru?" Sai interrupted after this went on for a while. "What are you trying to ask me with so much trouble?"

"Just volunteer to take my spot, and go to Hidden Sand to escort back Gaara and his whole group back here for the Jounin exams next month. You'll be back before it starts or anything, so Sakura won't be pissed at you or anything, but I could really use the time to train, and I told her that I don't really feel comfortable—"

"Temari's coming as well, isn't she?" Sai asked, turning back to his chopping with a small smile. He loved when he was able to figure these things out on his own. "And you think it is perhaps better if you aren't near her for a while?"

"Yeah, it's just troublesome." Shikamaru seemed relieved, and sunk into a slump against the counter once more. "Ino gets pissy, Temari gets the wrong idea, you know…it's better if it's someone else, but I can't really ask the others, since they're pretty much all training for the test too."

"I see." Sai pursed his lips slightly, scooping up his greens and dumping them in the bowl. "And when would I leave?"

"Next week." Shikamaru told him. "Just so you have time to get there and they have time to do stupid touring the city ally type stuff, you know. And then you'd all be back before the exams."

"It sounds like I will be gone three weeks." Sai frowned slightly. "You said that it would be only one."

"Well, maybe more like one week in the village. I'm not sure, maybe a little more." Shikamaru shrugged, paying extreme attention to a scuff on his knuckles.

"Hm." Sai looked up. "I suppose this would be the favor I owe you. I do not want to be away from Sakura for that long, as we are being a happy couple right now, and I am enjoying it, but I have to remember my friends. And it may help her to concentrate on the exam if I am out of the village for some time. I want her to do well, of course."

"Yeah, that makes sense." Shikamaru dredged up his poor imitation of genuine interest in Sakura and Sai's relationship. "Since yeah…dating her."

"Yes, that's right." Sai paused again in his dinner preparations and frowned. "Do you think she will be upset if I do this?"

"No, she'll think…you know, you're a good friend, and that's really…um, nice for her." Shikamaru thought he wouldn't have to do this anymore once they got together, but it seemed to be a continuing problem.

"Yes, she does admire friendship skills." Sai rubbed his chin before nodding sharply. "Very well. I accept your favor, and I look forward to the deepening of our friendly bond due to this _favor_."

"It's not really…" Shikamaru stopped himself. "Thanks, that's great."

"Dinner's ready!" he called out, and the girls came rushing in, not leaving room for any further discussion, as they all bustled around helping him set out dishes and food. Well, all but Shikamaru. He felt that by voluntarily moving from the counter to the table, he was helping in his own way.

----------

"That was fun!" Sakura was so happy when she flopped down on the couch next to Sai, she seemed to glow. "It was like we were a real couple, you know, living together and everything, and it was our dinner party."

"Are we not a real couple because you live with your mother?" Sai frowned, troubled by this possibility. "I thought we became a real couple when you agreed to date me."

"No, that's not what I meant." She pecked his cheek and ruffled his smooth hair, which he really didn't mind, because it was Sakura, after all, and she cared if his hair was sitting down straight more than he did, in any case. "I meant like…like married or something. Like real adults. I mean, I know we're technically adults, but I still feel like a kid a lot of the time."

"Does that mean that Sasuke and Naruto are more adult than us?" Sai asked her, tilting his head to one side. "We could live together, if you like. I think we would be much better at it than them."

"Okay, it's not a competition." Sakura giggled, still happy from their successful dinner with Shikamaru and Ino. She considered any socializing activity with Shikamaru and Ino to be a success if there are less than five slaps and Shikamaru remains conscious the whole time. "I meant…well, we're just starting out! It was really great to see that we can do things like that, things we might do if we did _someday_ live together. It's not a challenge or anything like that."

"Hmm." Sai narrowed his eyes. "But if you see, my home is much cleaner with you here all the time. If you lived her, I imagine it would remain so. And then you could look after my things while I am gone."

"Gone?" Sakura frowned. "We're on the same team. Even if we did live together, we go on almost all the same missions. I don't see that ever really being useful."

"No, I meant when I leave next week." Sai told her. "I am doing Shikamaru a _favor_, and so I will be going to the Hidden Sand in his place to bring Gaara and his escort back for the Jounin examination."

"What?" Sakura squawked. "You're leaving for three weeks? Why didn't you say anything before?"

"I did not know until tonight." Sai told her. "Are you upset about this? I asked Shikamaru, and he seemed to think you would find it admirable."

"Yeah, that's because he's a Grade A Slacker, and he'll do anything to hoist his responsibilities off on other people." Sakura pouted. "That's stupid. Why couldn't he get someone else?"

"Most of his friends are preparing for the Jounin examination." Sai pointed out. "As he is, himself."

"Well…that's convenient." Sakura huffed weakly. "Okay, fine, but I still don't really like it."

"If you are angry, I can tell him that he will have to ask me for some other favor, as this one is unsuitable." Sai offered her, and then his eyes lit up. "Or, you could demand that he owe _you_ a favor, as he is depriving us of our time together, and you are not the one that owed him a favor in the first place."

"No, no, I owe him as much as you." Sakura grumbled. "Ino and him were a big help…it's still annoying. I wanted you to help me train for the exam."

"You will train much better against Naruto." Sai assured her. "When you train with him, you concentrate better."

"That's true." Sakura flushed deeply. "I mean…you always…it's your fault!"

"What?" Sai frowned that small frown of confusion she was so used to.

"You're too…sometimes it's hard to look at you without thinking…other things." Sakura mumbled, going very red. Sai looked at her very seriously, nodded after a moment, and pinned her down to the couch, not at all unnerved by her sudden startled shriek at this.

"Yes, I know precisely what you mean." He told her. "Whenever we become find ourselves trapped in this position," he clarified his meaning by pushing down slightly with his hips, and Sakura went redder than ever. "I find that my thoughts are not focused on training, but mostly on how I like it when you are naked."

"Sai!" Sakura was embarrassed, but she couldn't help feeling a little warm as well. The feeling of Sai pressing into her like that was wonderful, and the thought of him doing it while they were naked made her brain overheat. He had seen her change into pajamas once or twice, and he had managed to get her out of her shirt once or twice, but when they slept together, they both wore pajamas, so it seemed much more innocent.

"In fact, since we are here, and our guests have gone, I think it is now the perfect opportunity for such things." Sai suggested. "Let us be naked together." He leapt off of her and strode to the bedroom eagerly, pulling off his shirt as he walked.

Sakura stood up shakily and followed him. "O-okay, but no sex!" she called out, hoping her voice wasn't wavering so badly. "I told you I'm not ready for that…" she trailed off as she entered the room and saw Sai on the bed, completely naked. She thought she was going to faint at the sight. Her hands trembling, she began to disrobe as well.

"Yes, I know. I want to have naked together time, but I will not break faith and stick it in you." He assured her. Sakura couldn't help letting out a slightly hysterical giggle. "There are many other things we can do while naked without me putting it in you. I read all about this sort of thing in Kakashi-sensei's book, you have nothing to fear."

"Nothing…w—weird." She was still giggling when she finally joined him, and was relieved when he just put his arms around her. She snuggled against him and sighed slightly

"I am not sure what is weird, you will have to tell me." He told her. "We will start off with the _cuddling_ you enjoy." There was a long silence. "It seems to be as enjoyable with no clothes. In fact, I find it slightly more enjoyable." He reached up and felt the weight of her breast in one hand, squeezing it experimentally, as if he had never seen anything like it before. "Yes, this is much more fun."

Sakura thought her brain was going to overload.

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To be Continued…


	22. Chapter 22

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 22

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Sakura yawned softly and rolled over, sensing that Sai was lying just behind her. She loved waking up before him, because when he was asleep, she could feel free to admire him without being overwhelmingly embarrassed. She was trying to overcome the nervousness and blushing that ensued whenever they were together doing anything more racy than simply kissing. After all, she had become used to kissing quickly, and it seemed that with time and practice she would be just as cool and collected as Sai could be.

She found that she loved to look at him any time at all, but that she felt completely calm when he was asleep. She thought that perhaps that serious face he always made was making her feel vaguely like she was taking an exam, and she knew that she had not really had any time to study, so she was sure to fail. She wanted to be comfortable with him being naked, with him looking at _her_ naked, and with them being together, but it seemed that most times she would get so nervous she would start shaking or giggling at least once.

Sai was very determined, though, and he was not to be put off by her foolishness. He would examine every inch of her, find which places he could touch just so to stop the giggling and elicit other noises. He would slowly and patiently make her forget her nerves and her self consciousness, until her whole world was him and his hands and mouth and all she felt was pleasure. He seemed fascinated with studying every inch of her, and mastering the art of making her feel exquisite.

She wanted to be able to do the same for him. Of course, this was her last day with him before he left for that stupid mission, and she'd really only had a week to get used to seeing all of him, to spending hours in bed letting him see all of her. She felt like she was being left behind. He had not seemed at all nervous at the fact that she could see him naked. He did not seem embarrassed even when she could feel him become excited, and it was right in the open for them both to see, usually pressed against her skin making her all the more aware of it. It terrified her a bit to think of what it was for, where it would go if she ever gathered the courage to have sex with him, but at the same time she had to admit it excited her. Some impulsive part of her immediately wanted to take that plunge, to see how it might feel, to see Sai's calm face dissolve as he shared that with her, but the overwhelmingly sensible and cautious portions of her knew she wasn't quite ready, and that honestly, she hadn't even told him if she loved him or not, so it would be strange to do that without even knowing for sure…

She had tried to return at least some of his attention. She had certainly received enough overly graphic recommendations from Ino, who would outline things she should try, ranging from simple to complex, giggling wickedly at the way Sakura would turn crimson at the thought. Her fumbling approaches and nervous touches had been met with encouragement from Sai, but as soon as he would start to return her attention, or as soon as she started to think about what she was doing, she became unbearably embarrassed or completely distracted and lost her concentration, usually causing her to give up and feeling completely foolish. She was sure that if she didn't learn to become more comfortable with these things, it would just be one more reason Sai would almost inevitably start looking elsewhere for a relationship.

In the beginning, she had felt so sure that she was in control, since Sai had seemed to care so much more about the relationship, but she could feel her control slipping. When they had first started dating, if he had left her after a week, deciding that he wasn't in love with her after all, she would have felt a bit of a sting, but she wouldn't be heartbroken. She knew things were different now, and it was hard for her to come to terms with. She should really tell him how she felt, but she thought that if she kept it secret, she was protecting herself.

Sai's mouth was slightly open as he slept, his face completely serene. One arm was slung across his chest, as though unconsciously reaching for her, the other bent so that his fingers curled next to his ear, somehow making him seem younger than he was. His bare chest was exposed, and she could see that while his stomach and lower body was covered by his black comforter, his lower leg and foot were emerging from the edge of the comforter and dangling halfway over the edge of the bed farthest from her.

The contrast of the black fabric against his skin in the dim morning light made his skin seem to glow, and it struck her again that he was very beautiful. She did not think any man would appreciate being told that he had lovely eyelashes or beautiful pale skin, but she felt that this was true of Sai. His skin was very smooth and fine but surprisingly warm to the touch, and he seemed almost girlish to her at times. She knew that most men had wiry hair on their legs and chests, but Sai's hair was very fine, so that at first she had thought he might be shaving it off, until she saw upon close examination that there were indeed black hairs dusting his legs and even a fine trail coming from his waist to his navel, but unless you were looking for it, you could barely see it. She knew that there was a nest of dark hair between his legs, and she had even felt that it was wiry and curly, which made it very different from the smooth straight hairs growing on his head, but it was just as dark, making it show up starkly against the extremely white ivory skin.

There was a specific smell to him, and when she kissed his skin, she could vaguely taste that smell, which made her feel slightly dizzy. She couldn't really describe the smell at all, but she felt that she had come to know it as well as she knew his face or the taste of his kiss. His hands were rougher than the rest of his skin, roughened in a way that was slightly different from her own faintly calloused palms, gained from years of handling kunai. She could see how years of drawing and painting, sometimes without gloves on, had calloused the edge of his right forefinger and the pad of his right thumb. Sometimes, when he was working with pastels or charcoal, she could see the faint traces of the medium he had held exactly where it had touched his fingers. She was sure that every ninja had hands roughened from fighting and handling weapons, but only an artist would have this pattern that she could feel if she brushed his fingers with her smooth fingertips.

She wondered momentarily if she should stop trailing her fingertips over his skin and get up and make him breakfast, since he was supposed to leave at noon, and she wanted to make his last hours with her as pleasant as possible. They were her last hours, as well, and for a few weeks, she would have only these moments to remember until he returned, so she wanted to make sure they were spent in the best way possible. She wanted him to miss her, as she knew she would miss him, wanted him to think of her every time he went to bed alone, every time he woke up by himself, and in all the hours in between.

She decided to stay in bed until he woke up, so he would remember how nice it was to wake up next to someone else. Breakfast could wait, and in any case, they made much better breakfast together than she could on her own. Feeling strangely daring, knowing that this would be her last chance to be with him in this way for weeks, Sakura let her hand move further down, slipping under the protection of the blanket and feeling a blush rise to her cheeks as she felt that he was hard and hot in her hand, even as he slept. She knew from sleeping in the same bed as him, as well as some rather explicit discussions she had witnessed between Ino and Naruto that it was not at all unusual for a man to wake up with an erection, but it still made her wonder if he was dreaming of her, or if it was something else, or someone else that made him so excited, or if it was nothing but his body's way of saying that it was time to wake up.

She wanted him to think of her, of only her, when he felt this way, and she wanted to be able to know his body as well as he knew hers, to make him feel as though only she could make him feel pleasure. She wondered if that made her jealous or possessive, or if it just showed that she loved him, and wanted him to know it, even if she still hadn't said it.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm her heartbeat as she began to move her hand and he let out a sleepy moan. She thought the noises he made, as subdued as they typically could be, were indescribably sexy, and she wondered if he thought the same thing when she responded to his touch. That would explain how he always got so hard when he was touching her.

_This time I'll finish. I won't let him touch me until he's done. I want him to know how he makes me feel, and I want to be able to do the same for him._

She was determined to catch up with him, and she felt positive that she could do it if she could just do this one time, just to see that she could completely shatter his composure, could make him want her as badly as she wanted him. She didn't want him always left unfulfilled, that satisfied smile on his face as though he had won something by making her feel something so exquisite without letting her do the same to him. She wanted him to completely fall apart, and to feel as though only she could put him together again. She wanted him to need her.

Her brow furrowed in concentration, she kept moving her hand, keeping in mind the tips Ino had given her, and trying not to think about this as something inappropriate. She loved him, it was completely appropriate for her to do this for him, and there was nothing to be embarrassed about. She could feel a slight blush on her cheeks as she used her free hand to move the blanket so she could see what she was doing, but she was determined.

This time.

This time for sure.

His eyelids fluttered, his inky dark eyes opening groggily as he let out a long, low moan, but she did not see that he was awake, she was so concentrated on her task. She wanted him to think about this for the weeks they would be separated, so that he couldn't wait for their reunion, so that his mind was full of her and he couldn't see anyone else or think of anyone else.

Only her.

"Ah, Sa—sakura…" he gasped, and her eyes jerked up in surprise. He was fully awake now, his hands twitching, his lip trembling slightly. She had never gotten this far before, she had never seen him like this, and instead of feeling shy and embarrassed, she suddenly felt powerful. No one else had ever seen his eyes clouded with lust like this, no one had heard his voice so husky, or felt his skin this hot.

Only her.

"I love you," she didn't mean to say the words, and didn't realize she had until they were past her lips, her mind buzzing as felt the amazing high that came from knowing that _she_ was doing this, she was controlling his reactions completely, and she had made him helpless, his whole body shuddering, his hands clenching the sheets, his lower lip pressed by teeth as he tried to hold back, but found that he couldn't, and before she knew it, it was all over.

It hadn't been any sort of workout compared to what she was used to, but she felt her heartbeat going much faster than normal, and as she wiped off her hand and nestled against him, she could feel his heart thrumming quickly, gradually slowing down as his calm returned to him and the moment passed, over now, but eternally locked in her memory. She had done that, and she knew she could do it again, and she suddenly did not feel afraid.

"I love you." She repeated, wishing that there weren't any tears in her eyes. She burrowed her face into his neck, not wanting him to see her cry over something like this. There was nothing to cry over.

"I…I love you too." Sai's voice cracked, and she looked up to see that his expression was still completely readable, open to her and only her, and she could see there were tears in his eyes, and that made her lose herself, letting the tears fall and knowing that he was feeling just as she did in that moment. "I am very happy to hear you say that." He whispered, and she kissed his forehead, letting him brush away the tears with ease.

"I know," she answered, letting her head rest against his shoulder, her face pressed into his neck, letting his smell overwhelm her. "I should have said it ages ago, I'm sorry."

"There is no need to apologize." He told her, kissing the top of her head. "I am glad that you told me before I left. I will be able to keep this perfect moment as a memory to comfort myself when I am missing you."

"You know, Sai," Sakura flushed slightly, feeling an irrepressible smile curve her lips upward. "Sometimes you actually say the perfect thing."

"Really?" he seemed genuinely surprised by this. "I thought I almost exclusively said the wrong thing."

"No," Sakura looked up, kissing him lightly. "Sometimes I misunderstand you, but you always say just what you mean, and sometimes that's exactly what I need to hear."

"Oh." He was not sure what to say to this.

"What time is it?" she looked around as she asked the question and frowned at the clock. "Nine-thirty. Only two and a half hours left. Do you want breakfast?"

"I am hungry," Sai admitted. "But I will be able to eat as I travel. However, I will only be with you for this time, and I would rather spend this time with you than preparing food."

"Do you need to pack anything?" she asked, her voice so low it was almost a whisper as he shifted their positions so that he was propped on one elbow, looking down at her, tracing the edges of her face with his fingers.

"I would like to pack you, so that I might have you with me when I am lonely and missing you." Sai told her, "But I do not think that Tsunade would approve of that."

"We'll have to learn to spend time apart, anyway." She admitted. "But I'll miss you."

"Certainly this is true." Sai sighed lightly, his fingers wandering to trace the lines of her throat, her collarbone, and down her arms and chest. "I am glad I am no longer part of ANBU or Root, or I would have to spend much more time apart from you on special missions."

"It'll be hard training without you. I'm so used to having you there, even if I'm sparring with Naruto or Sasuke." She smiled slightly as his hands wandered more and more freely over her form. Somehow, after seeing him in such pleasure, it was not nearly as embarrassing anymore to know that he could do the same thing to her.

"You will be fine." He kissed her eyelids softly. "It will help you concentrate on training instead of other things."

"I'll miss other things, though." She frowned slightly, and he kissed her lips, wanting only to see her smile. "It'll be weird to sleep at home all the time, sleeping alone in my bed."

"You could sleep here if you like." He told her. "You already have my key, and I would not mind."

"Like a house sitter." She giggled slightly. "That might just make me miss you more, but it would be nice, being here. It would be like we were living together, and I'm just waiting for you to come home."

"We should live together." He suggested again, and this time she thought it over seriously. "You are always here. I would be happy to live with you. It would be easier, as you would not always need to bring over a change of clothes, and you would have all of your belongings here."

"I wonder what my mom would think." Sakura sighed slightly. "And my dad."

"Do they mind you spending the night over here so often?" he asked, blinking at her in honest curiosity. "Do they disapprove?"

"No…my dad thinks it's great that I'm dating someone who makes so much money…since, you know, you're jounin." She flushed, feeling embarrassed at what concerned her parents. "And my mom really likes you. And I love being here with you…I think I would like to live with you."

"Excellent." Sai smiled and nodded in satisfaction. "We should move your things in at once."

"After you get back." She shook her head slightly. "I think we should both tell my parents in person, and I don't want to waste time on that today. I just want to spend these last couple of hours alone with you."

"I agree, that would be better." Sai smiled when he moved his hand slightly and she let out a little gasp. "I want you to think of me while I am gone, as I will only be able to think of you, I am sure."

"Yes," she sighed, letting her eyes slide closed as he moved his hands over her.

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To be continued…


	23. Chapter 23

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 23

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Sakura looked at Sai's calendar and frowned disconsolately. She had circled July 30th in red, and had been crossing off the days until his return, but it was only the 15th now, so it looked as though she would be alone for an impossibly long time. Naruto kept inviting her over, as did Ino, as they clearly understood how she felt sitting in his apartment all alone, but she found it was worse to spend time with a couple that were sitting right next to each other, rather than being forced apart by what she continued to feel was a completely idiotic mission.

She tried to distract herself by slowly moving some of her things over into Sai's apartment, moving things around to make room for both of their belongings without it seeming too cluttered. She wasn't going to think about moving anything big until they talked to her parents, but she didn't see anything wrong with moving a few things over, bringing a bagful of clothes or toiletries with her when she came back from work or training at the end of the day.

She found it was hard to sleep in his bed alone, but it was unbearable sleeping her own bed, so she accepted his offer to have her watch his place while he was gone. The bedding still smelled of him, and when she got really lonely, she would dig a shirt of his out of the closet and shove her face in it, letting that distinctive smell wash over her.

Sakura hoped that Sai didn't mind she had moved most of his furniture around as she searched for the best arrangement for his informal art area and the rest of his living room pieces. She would start to clean up, but it was a sadly easy job when there weren't discarded scrolls and pictures and art supplies all over the apartment. She felt stir crazy, and she knew it was because she was nervous for the upcoming examination, but more than anything, because she missed Sai.

Annoyed, she got up and left the apartment, determined to do something that would take her mind off of her loneliness. She wandered into the market area of the village, and decided that she would stop and get something to eat, as it was about time for dinner anyway. She entered one of the stalls almost at random, and then paused, feeling slightly dejected that she was going to be eating alone. She moved to the counter, intending to sit where she would feel less alone, when someone called out her name.

"Sakura-chan!" she turned and saw that Lee had just entered the same stall as her. "Are you here for dinner?" Sakura was vaguely tempted to ask what the hell other reason she would have to be in a restaurant in the evening, but decided not to take out her frustrations on him.

"Yes, I thought I'd step out for a while." She told him. "I'm sick of being shut up in that apartment by myself."

"Yes, nothing is more enjoyable than the fresh air of the market, the bustle of people filled with the spirit of youth and joy in their hearts." Lee struck a pose, and Sakura couldn't help laughing at his overly positive view of everything. "Would you like to eat with me? I am here alone, and am also looking for dinner."

"Oh?" Sakura nodded and moved to join him in a booth. "What about Gai-sensei or Tenten? Where are they?"

"I believe Gai-sensei is challenging Kakashi-sensei to a contest, since it is that time of week." Lee told her as they sat down and looked over their menus. "Tenten is secretly dating Shino, so she is probably somewhere dark with him."

Sakura laughed so hard she almost choked, and Lee tilted his head curiously, reminding her in that moment of Sai. "Sorry, I just…I love how you said that so matter-of-factly." She forced a serious face and imitated him. "They are off in a dark corner doing naughty things." She giggled slightly and Lee smiled, laughing with her as he got the joke.

"Yes, I enjoy that she honestly thinks that it is a secret." Lee told her nodding and smiling. "Gai-sensei spent an hour yesterday telling her about the beauty of youthful love, and she does not think he suspects anything. Actually, I believe she does not even realize that I know. She thinks I spend all my time training and thinking only of getting stronger, so she has become rather sloppy at keeping anything secret from us. She was much sneakier when Neji was still here."

"Didn't she have a crush on him?" Sakura leaned forward, not able to resist the urge to gossip with one of her good friends after having such a miserably lonely few days. "I mean, not that I blame her, he is all kinds of hot, but I always thought she did."

"Hmm," Lee frowned in concentration. "I am not sure about that. She took him more seriously than she took me, I could tell you. We have become good friends in the years we have spent together, but at first, it was rather rough. She did not think that it was possible for someone like myself to become a powerful ninja. I know that she certainly admired him…it may be possible that she did have romantic intentions toward him, but I think that she had already given up on him before he left. After all, while she clearly misses him the way that any comrades would miss each other if their companionship is so tested, she did not seem extremely upset."

"Well, if she did, I understand how she feels." Sakura set down her menu. "After all, I'm on a team with Sasuke, so that was a little hard."

"Yes, truly nothing is more painful than watching as the one you care for the most slips away from you and turns to someone else." Lee sighed heavily, and Sakura felt a bit uncomfortable. She remembered Lee telling her he wouldn't give up no matter what, but that had been weeks ago, and he hadn't really done anything that struck her as out of the ordinary. Maybe he had finally learned to let her go. Maybe they could just be friends, as she'd always hoped. After all, Sasuke and her still spent time together, even though she had been so persistent for all those years. Surely Lee must be disappointed, as she had been, but he would get over it.

The rest of the dinner passed without any uncomfortable comments, and Sakura felt sure she had just been paranoid to think that he was still hung up on her. After all, there were hundreds of girls in Konoha, and he would not be hard-pressed to find one that would return his feelings, surely. It made no sense for him to keep chasing after her. She was nothing that special, after all. It seemed amazing to her still that Sai was attracted to her, when she thought that he was so much more good looking than she was.

It was nice to have company like this, she thought. Lee was a very nice person, and while his odd views and way of speaking had put her off when she first met him, she had come to see that there were many different ways of looking at life. After all, Sai was very unique in his manner, and she loved him all the more for that contrast. She found it was wonderful to have someone pay attention to her without being distracted by their significant other, the way she felt when she was visiting Ino or Naruto. She was so happy that Lee was finally able to see her as a friend, so that they could have a good time together without her having to worry about him getting the wrong idea, and she found that after he dropped her off at Sai's apartment, she didn't feel nearly as sad as she went to bed alone.

----------

"Atsuko, could you make sure that Sai gets everything he needs?" Temari snapped her fingers, and a kunoichi leapt to her side immediately, nodded and bowed to Sai, who wasn't really sure how to respond. He always felt uncomfortable on these diplomatic missions, since he couldn't help feeling like he should be killing someone, but that was not required, and it made him feel awkward as he realized there was really no reason to gain these people's trust. He would simply try to do his best to make Sakura proud of him, showing off his ability to calmly and capably socialize as she had taught him so painstakingly.

"Greetings, Sai-sama." She bent her head in another slight bow, her red hair sliding forward over her ears as it fell over her shoulders from all the bowing and nodding. "My name is Natsuno Atsuko, and I will be sure to make sure you feel welcome in our village."

"My name is Sai, and there is no need to use name endings with me." Sai reached forward to shake her hand, and she seemed slightly surprised by this friendly gesture. "I hope that we are able to become friends."

"Don't worry, he's kind of always like that." Temari patted Atsuko's shoulder as she turned her attention back to Sai. "Gaara's busy right now, but I put you in his schedule when you arrived this morning, so you have an audience with him in the afternoon. I hope that's not too much trouble."

"No trouble at all, Temari." Sai smiled brightly at both women. "I am happy to be meeting new people, and I understand that Kazekage is a very busy position. I will be sure to be available to talk to him when it is time."

"Great," Temari gave him a small smile in return, nodding. "I've put you in for 4:30, so until then, I'll let Atsuko show you around and help you get settled in. Atsuko, why don't you show Sai to his room?"

"At once, Temari-sama." She bowed again sharply and kept her head lowered until Temari turned dismissively and hurried away to wherever else she was needed at the moment. "I am sorry that you have to settle for a chuunin escort, Sai-sama…ah, I mean, Sai. However, Temari-sama finds many demands on her attention, and she selected me as her replacement."

"It is no trouble at all, Atsuko." Sai frowned at the girl, trying to think of a nickname that might make her feel more at ease with him. He was still extremely shy of attempting nicknames after all his previous failed attempts. Perhaps it would be enough if he was simply friendly and natural with her. "I look forward to learning all about you, even if you are only a chuunin."

"Oh, well…" she flushed, clearly not sure what to make of his words, whether she should be annoyed or flattered. She was used to escorting dignitaries and such around for Temari-sama, but they were typically very formal and treated her as though she were a servant. She wasn't sure what to make of Sai. "Um, do you want to see your room?"

"Certainly." Sai nodded sharply, and she led him downstairs to where the guest rooms in the Kazekage's tower reserved for special guests were located. The whole time, she tried to think of something interesting to say, but found herself struggling.

"So…you're from Konoha, right?" she finally managed, feeling a bit stupid

"Yes, of course." Sai confirmed as he followed her down the passage. "Have you ever been there?"

"No, not yet." She shook her head. "I've been to Fire Country, though. The forests are very nice." She sighed with relief as she spotted his door and opened it for him, not able to stop herself bowing again. "Here you are, your room."

"Thank you." He told her. "Although, you do not need to bow all the time. I want for us to be friends." She laughed nervously and straightened up, flushing in embarrassment.

"Well…I hope you find everything to your liking." She didn't really know what to say, so she stuck to what she knew.

"It looks fine." Sai tossed his sack down and gave a stretch. "I am hungry. Could we go to one of your fine local restaurants?"

"Oh…sure." She scratched her head nervously. "But, I mean, do you really want to go eat lunch with me? I'm sure I could find someone of suitable dignity to share your company, or perhaps I could have food delivered to you here so that you could meditate or something."

"Atsuko." Sai leaned toward her, until their faces were quite close, his eyes boring into her in a way that made her feel foolish. "Do you not wish to make friends with me? I was doing my best to make a good impression and make my intentions clear. Have I offended you in some way?"

"N—no! Not at all!" Atsuko waved her hands, and backed up, feeling a bit uncomfortable. "I just…well, I'm used to visitors acting a bit more aloof, you know. None of them really want to know me or anything. They just want me to fetch them things and wait on them."

"Very well," Sai nodded thoughtfully after a moment. "In that case, I request that you forget that I am a visiting dignitary. From now on, I will be your new friend, and I will be relying on you for companionship. After all, the only people I know in this village are the Kazekage and his siblings, and they are all far too busy to spare a moment for me. I will be very lonely without the company of friends I have become accustomed to in my home, and so I am in great need of this. Will that be all right with you?"

"Yes!" Atsuko couldn't help laughing. This was probably the oddest person she had ever met. "Okay, sure. If that's what you really want, from now on, let's be friends." She held out her hand, and he shook it, clearly triumphant.

"Excellent. Now for us to have friendly lunch time together." He beckoned her, and she ran ahead of him, leading the way, trying not to giggle at his very serious manner of approaching friendship. "In Konoha, I quite enjoy having friendly lunch with my friends. Do you have many friends here?"

"Yes, I have some." She told him, leading him downstairs to the ground level so they could enter the rest of the village. "Mostly people I went to school with. Hey, do you know Neji-sama? He's from Konoha too, and he seems about your age. You guys probably went to school together."

"I was in a secret organization made nearly entirely of orphans, and Neji was raised by his family, so I did not have the opportunity to know him in school." Sai told her. "I do consider him a friend, though. As you may have noticed, I do not use a name ending for him, as we are casually acquainted and I feel no need for the formality and separation that implies."

"I'm sorry," Atsuko had burst out laughing part way through his explanation, and she took a while to get it under control. "You're really nice, Sai, but no offense or anything, you are kind of weird."

"Yes, I know." Sai told her, his face serious, and she started laughing all over again, grabbing his shoulder to stop herself falling over. "I don't see the joke." He told her, tilting his head to one side and waiting for an explanation.

"Most people wouldn't just take that sort of comment without getting annoyed, but you're just...yeah, I don't even know." Atsuko tried to explain but found she couldn't.

"Oh, yes, that." Sai nodded thoughtfully. "Sakura used to say that I was socially stunted as a result of my odd childhood. I hope you will still be friendly with me, even if I am a bit different. She says that my difference makes me unique, and I should not be ashamed of it."

"She sounds like a nice girl." Atsuko smiled at him. "No, I'm sorry, I don't really have a problem with it or anything, I was just a little surprised. I'm not used to people acting that way. But I think we can still definitely be friends, don't worry."

"Thank you, that is a relief to hear." Sai nodded, and followed her to a restaurant, pleased that he had made a friend so quickly. Sakura would be very proud of him.

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To be continued…


	24. Chapter 24

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 24

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Sakura quickly learned that Lee was a very good sparring partner for several reasons. Firstly, he hated to lose, so he would always try his hardest, but he was too chivalrous to want to hurt her if she landed any hits on him, so he would simply make it clear he had the advantage and then tell her to start again, so that she wasn't covered in bruises from his strikes. Secondly, she didn't really find him remotely attractive, so she didn't get distracted like she could with other male sparring partners, particularly ones she had seen naked. Thirdly, his purely physical style was a very good compliment to her style, so she found herself learning from him ways to draw the opponent within striking range, as well as increasing her own dodging and attack speed so that she could actually stand up to sparring with him at all.

It had seemed like a simple enough solution to their problems. She found it depressing to watch Naruto and Sasuke do their weird sparring foreplay thing when she couldn't just joke about it with Sai, and he was finding it increasingly difficult for Tenten to spare him time for sparring because of her budding (still apparently "secret") relationship with Shino. While Gai-sensei was often too busy to devote a lot of time to Lee's training, since, as he explained, he had taught Lee to find the fire of youth within him, and that burning should teach him everything more he could need.

When Lee mentioned to Sakura that he was worried he would not be ready for the jounin examination because of these factors, she had volunteered to spar with him, and they had spent a great amount of time together since then. They would typically spar for a few hours a day, working around Sakura's schedule at the hospital, and they would often eat together or just hang out, as she was used to doing with Team Seven after training sessions. She found herself glad of this opportunity to improve her own fighting abilities as well as to learn more about Lee, and to strengthen a friendship she had once feared she could never hope to have.

Lee never mentioned his old feelings for her, and she found herself relaxing more and more around him, talking about their friends, who he seemed to know a lot about. She knew that most of them thought Lee was a bit single-minded, so it seemed they had let a lot of things slip around him. She couldn't wait to update Ino on all the new gossip she had gained. Also, he was very polite with her at all times, which was a nice change of pace from Sasuke and Naruto who tended to be a bit…rough around the edges. She hoped that they would be able to maintain this friendship once Sai returned, and she vowed to herself to make sure she made time for her friends even if she was in a serious relationship. After all, Naruto and Sasuke sometimes went weeks locked up in their love nest without seeming to contact any other people, and she missed the companionship they'd shared before those two had moved in together. She vowed not to let herself disappear from her friends' lives like that.

"Okay, I'm done, seriously!" Sakura laughed as Lee tackled her, his arm going to her throat to show that he could strangle her to death if this were a serious fight. "I know, I wasn't watching, you got me. Sorry, I'm just excited."

"Yes, it is only one week until the exam." Lee grinned broadly, moving his arm as he panted slightly. "I am very hopeful that we both pass."

"Oh, yeah, that's right." Sakura giggled. "I just meant, Sai's coming home in a few days. I feel like I haven't seen him in forever, and that apartment is just so empty without him there to mess it up all the time."

"Sakura," Lee stood, helping her to her feet as he did whenever she ended up on the ground. "He should not make you into a housekeeper. I believe he is capable of picking up after himself."

"He is," she nodded, smiling with the exuberance she felt at his imminent return. "But it's like how I can make food if I need to, but he does it for me. It's just…we like doing things for each other. I never imagined saying I miss picking up someone's crap, but I kind of do. It makes me feel needed."

"Hm." Lee was surprisingly quiet, and Sakura wondered if it was just that he didn't understand what she meant, or if he really thought Sai was making her into some sort of maid.

"We're going to move in together, you know." She explained, thinking this might make it a bit clearer to him. "After he gets back, we're going to talk to my parents and—"

"Please," Lee grabbed her arm and she whirled around, completely surprised at what she first interpreted as an attack, causing her to gasp in surprise before she felt his mouth cover hers in a desperate kiss filled with so much pain and longing and love that she felt like she might cry, knowing that _this_ was how he felt, and might always feel, for her. She was completely surprised. He had not shown any indication that he still had feelings for her, but then…perhaps she had ignored the hints, and she was so used to Lee always treating her this way, and after all, he _had_ always had feelings for her, so of course he would still act the same way around her. "I wish you could see how much you mean to me." He told her as they broke, and she realized with an odd twisting feeling that she had not pushed him away, had not fought him at all, and shouldn't she have? She loved Sai, after all, and she should be enraged right now with Lee, for just kissing her out of nowhere like that, but all she felt was pity and sympathy, and she wanted to hug him and tell him she knew exactly what he was going through.

"I do see." She answered finally, realizing that there were tears in her eyes. "Of all people, I should know what its like." She felt horrible and selfish, realizing suddenly that of course this whole time, she should have realized that he was trying to come closer to her, and she enjoyed the male attention so much that she didn't think about how it would feel when he realized that it wouldn't work out between them. "I just wish I could feel the same way. It makes me feel horrible when I see you hurting."

"I understand." Lee still had her in his arms, and she still hadn't pushed him away. She should push him away, she knew, but she felt completely drained and utterly wretched. "I would have been happy even if you could only pretend to love me."

"You think that," she gave a watery smile. "Because you've never felt what it's like to love someone and really have that someone love you back. It would be like filling a garden with paper flowers. There's nothing there, and inside, you'd always know, and it would kill you. I can't…I can't do that to you. I can't do that to Sai."

"I do not see in him what it is you see." Lee sighed heavily, releasing her. "I have known you so much longer. I have been tireless in my pursuit, and I thought that one day, you would give in."

"It isn't like fighting, Lee." She shook her head, "You can't just make the other person give up and declare it a win."

"I see that." He nodded, and turned from her, picking up his things. "I think…perhaps it will be better if we do not train together."

"But…I want to still be friends!" Sakura protested, grabbing his arm and seeing the despair in his eyes as he glanced at her. She realized suddenly that he had finally seen that she would never love him, and he would somehow have to come to terms with that, and she knew exactly how he must be feeling. It made her feel terrible, knowing that she was the source of that pain. "Lee! Please, I'm really sorry, but I really do like you, and I want us to be able to be friends."

"I don't know if I can do that, Sakura-san." He told her, and she was surprised at the formal address. "It is painful to see you, and even more painful seeing you so happy with Sai-san." She was a bout to argue, but then she remembered how it had hurt to see Sasuke and Naruto together at first. Hopefully, one day he would get over it the way she had.

"I understand." She withdrew, and she sighed deeply as he left by himself, picking up her things and returning to the apartment. When she closed the door, she felt the pain overwhelm her, and she slid to the floor, letting the tears flow freely.

What kind of person was she? Who was she to teach Sai about friendship when she couldn't even go about without hurting her own friends and pushing them away from her so horribly. She had enjoyed Lee's attention, she knew, and she must have somehow subtly encouraged it. She missed Sai's attentions, so she had used him to make her feel less lonesome. Then, when he returned, she would have callously cast him aside. What sort of friend was that? And what sort of girlfriend would do something like that? How could she think about moving in with Sai if she couldn't even remain devoted to him when he was away for a few weeks? He trusted her so much, he would have never dreamed that she would be so wicked as soon as he went away.

And she hadn't pushed Lee away. She should have, if she really loved Sai, she should have been revolted at the thought of anyone else kissing her. And she wasn't even attracted to Lee! But she still let him kiss her like that, and didn't fight it at all. Probably after all those years of being rejected by Sasuke, she had become so desperate for attention she couldn't push any boy away.

Sai deserved better.

----------

"No, seriously, come on!" Atsuko set down the bottle of plum wine she had purloined on Sai's table. "You're going away tomorrow and I'll probably never see you ever again! We need to stay up really late and drink! That's what normal people do, I swear."

"I don't know…" Sai eyed the rice wine suspiciously. "The last time I stayed up late and drank alcohol, I felt very sick the next day. I do not want to feel sick when I am traveling."

"Oh, that's no problem." She winked at him. You just drink a lot of water, and then no hangover! Come on, I was going to teach you how to play poker, and you need to drink when you're playing, or it's just not right."

"Hmm…well, if you are sure." Sai finally conceded and sat down at the table, allowing her to pour him a glass of the wine. He sniffed at it suspiciously as she poured her own glass and ran to grab the snacks she'd brought when she had come over moments earlier, insisting that they have a private farewell party. He had come to enjoy his time with her quite a lot. When she wasn't being polite and formal, Atsuko was very fun-loving, and reminded him a bit of Naruto. He still missed Sakura terribly, but it was nice to have a friend to distract him.

"Yes, okay, here." She was passing out the cards and began explaining the rules to him. He frowned slightly, trying to take in all the complicated hands and their different rankings, something made more difficult by the way she would stop partway through and correct herself on something she had mistakenly explained wrong. "Ready? Okay!" she finally said, and Sai felt positive he had no idea what he was doing. "Now you make a bet!"

"We bet money on this?" Sai wasn't sure he wanted to bet money on something he couldn't have explained at all if he was asked, even though he had just been told how to play moments ago.

"No, wait, we'll bet…here! Pretzels!" she popped open a bag and poured a pile in front of herself and one in front of him. "It makes it more fun when you bet."

"Hmm…" Sai was not sure why that would make it more fun, but he was willing to trust her. He pushed one pretzel into the middle, and the game began.

He was horrible at poker, as Atsuko pointed out after she had nearly all the pretzels only an hour later. She decided to teach him other games with the cards, and he found that he greatly enjoyed Go Fish.

"Do you have any…twos?" he asked her, and she giggled, shaking her head. "Wait…no…I meant threes. I don't have any twos." He was starting to feel a bit drunk. Possibly from the fact that they had finished off the entire bottle of plum wine. He was positive that he did not want to stand up, as he was far too dizzy to walk.

"Oh my god, you're so drunk!" she laughed, clearly at least a little drunk herself. "I'll let you get away with the do over because you're cute, but not next time." She handed him her three, and he triumphantly laid down the pair after only a short time spent locating the three in his hand. Unfortunately, in his exuberance to remove the pair, he dropped the rest of his cards, and fell out of his chair as he tried to gather them up again.

"Wait…how many cards did I—ow!" Sai rubbed his head after he hit it on the table, and then Atsuko climbed under the table, looking a bit more balanced than him. "I lost my cards." He explained, and she laughed loudly.

"Yeah, I saw." She helped him gather them up, and he hit his head again, this time falling over from the impact. "Are you okay?" she stumbled out from under the table and pulled him out as well, laying him on his back. "Sai, do you have…um, a…concussion? Is that what…no, I'm drunk." She snickered, and Sai blinked at her and felt himself giggle as well.

"I'm drunk." He told her, sounding almost lucid, and she nodded, pulling him to his feet.

"I know, it's so sad, you're supposed to be able to hold your liquor, aren't you?" she giggled, hefting him toward his bed, and letting his weight pull her down as well.

"I…wait, what did you ask?" Sai frowned, and she rolled on top of him, kissing him heatedly. "You…you kissed me."

"Yep," she confirmed. "I swore I was going to, and I did. Go me!" she giggled again, and leaned down to kiss him, but he attempted to push her away.

"Wait…I have…um…" Sai knew there was a reason he shouldn't just go around kissing girls. Something Ino had told him once…he tried to think of what it was…she said a lot of things, so this was rather difficult. "What am I thinking?" he asked, seeming to think Atsuko would somehow know.

"That you'll definitely come back to Sunagakure after this." She giggled, kissing his neck and pulling his shirt off with some difficulty. "You're the hottest guy ever. I can't even believe this." She giggled at how silly that sounded, and then began attacking him with kisses.

"Something…can't do…something." Sai tried to force his confused and sluggish mind to try and make connections. What had Ino told him not to do? Something important, he was sure. And it had something to do with Sakura, he was positive, but it was hard to think of what it was, and it became impossible when his pants disappeared and Atsuko's mouth moved lower. "Some…thing…"

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To be continued…


	25. Chapter 25

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 25

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"What's wrong with you?" Neji frowned at Sai, who looked slightly green, rather than his standard ivory complexion. "Are you sick?" he drew away slightly, not really wanting Sai to vomit on his new white traveling robes.

"What's going on?" Temari moved forward from the back of the group, "Are you sick, Sai? Do we need to stop so the medic-nin can look you over?" she sounded rather annoyed that he was threatening to interrupt her neatly scheduled trip.

"Maybe someone poisoned him." Gaara suggested calmly, glancing at the other Leaf ninja. "This happens sometimes when you are a dignitary."

"Someone tried to poison me once." Temari nodded knowingly and patted Sai's back. "It's okay. We'll put them to death for you if you know who it was. We have a strict zero tolerance poisoning policy when it comes to guests of the Kazekage."

"Temari!" Kankurou started laughing. "I'm pretty sure they didn't poison you because you were from the Sand! It's probably because you're such a loudmouth all the time!"

"I'm going to poison _you_." She hissed at her older brother in aggravation.

"No one poisoned me." Sai finally spoke up, feeling rather queasy and finally rushing to a nearby dune where he emptied his stomach. "Ugh…I had alcohol. I had too much alcohol."

"I didn't know you were such a partier, Sai!" Kankurou did not seem put off at all by his sister's threats, but then, anyone who had Gaara as a sibling must have grown very used to death threats early in life. "I can't believe you went out drinking without me! I could've gotten time off from the Dictator Temari to go out with you."

"Would you _please_ stop calling me that?" she glared at her brother, but he ignored her again, so she turned on Sai. "I have to say, as a foreign dignitary it's really very foolish of you to overindulge to this point! You knew that you'd be traveling today, why would you do something so stupid?"

"Leave him alone, Temari." Kankurou slung an arm around Sai, who felt sure he would collapse under the sudden weight, and did in fact wobble momentarily. "He had a fun time! Maybe if you'd let loose once in a while you'd be able to get that stick out of your ass."

"You are the _least_ professional advisor ever!" she hissed at him, indicating the honor guard of ten jounin preceding them. "What if they can hear you? What would they think?"

"That I'm right." He shrugged. "Maybe one of them would take you out and show you a good time, come on Temari, let loose once in a while. Sai knows what I'm saying, right?"

"Ugh…I think I will be sick again." Sai barely got clear of the group in time to vomit again. "I am never drinking alcohol again. Last time, I said I never would, and I regret my decision to try it once more. It is horrible."

"I will have to reprimand Atsuko for letting you get out of control." Temari shook her head, her lips pulled tight.

"Whatever, Atsuko was probably matching him drink for drink!" Kankurou told her. "Did you know, Sai, when she isn't running errands for Temari, Atsuko's actually a lot of fun."

"Uh…yes." Sai felt even sicker than ever as he recalled that morning, waking up in bed with the red-haired Sand ninja. He had been horrified from the vague memories he had of the previous night. She had done something to him that he was pretty sure you weren't supposed to do with other girls when you had a girlfriend. He would have to look up what it was called, but other than the fact that he was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to be engaging in these activities with anyone but Sakura, he did recall that it had felt amazing for the period of time that he had remained conscious. Before she could wake up, he had hurriedly gathered his things, dressed, and fled.

Now he was trying to get over his hangover and decide what he was supposed to do after that about what had happened. He remembered how Ino had reacted to Temari holding Shikamaru's arm, and that had been a lot less intimate than what Atsuko had done, so he was pretty positive Sakura would be rather angry, to say the least. However, he felt it was wrong to keep things from her, so he was torn. He would need advice, clearly.

Once he had gone a whole hour without vomiting, Sai decided he was ready to deal with his other problems, so he approached Neji, who edged away from him, clearly expecting him to be sick again, so Sai reached out and grabbed his sleeve, causing him to look at Sai in outright alarm.

"You had better not puke on me." Neji told him in a tone that threatened quick and painful retribution. "This robe is new."

"No, I feel fine." Sai shook his head. "I need to ask you a question."

"Let go of my arm, then." Neji brushed off Sai's hand. "Gaara can see us, you know." Sai glanced over and noticed that Gaara was glaring at him as though he was about ten seconds from experiencing first hand the Desert Coffin technique.

"No one ever trusts me." Sai grumbled slightly. "I do not want your body, as hot as I am sure that Gaara finds it. I respect the Kazekage's taste, but I prefer lady bodies. You are safe with me, I assure you."

"Whatever, just ask your question already." Neji replied, his tone agitated as he eyed Sai, still clearly suspecting that he might get vomit on his new robe. "And it better not have anything to do with Gaara and me."

"Not specifically." Sai shook his head. "I wanted to ask you…hm, a hypothetical question. If you were to, hypothetically, find that you had engaged in illicit activities with another girl—I mean, another man. If you found that you had done things of that nature with a man, but you had been very drunk, would you keep it a secret from Gaara, or would you try to explain the situation to him?"

"Ha!" Kankurou could clearly hear them, and laughed at this question. "I think he'd be fucking crazy to tell Gaara! Gaara would kill him _and_ the other guy _and_ probably half the village." Everyone looked over at the eldest Sand sibling and he shrugged. "I mean, I'm just guessing, but I've noticed he's just a little possessive."

"What would you do, Neji?" Gaara's voice was dripping with the promise of imminent violence, and Sai suddenly felt that he should never have touched Neji, nor should he ever have asked such a question in Gaara's range of hearing.

"I…would never do something like that." Neji answered, going slightly pale. "But if I did, I would tell Gaara. He would understand."

"You are so whipped!" Kankurou burst into laughter, which faded away suddenly as he found sand forcibly wrapping around his neck. "I mean…yeah, that sounds right."

"Well, if you ask what _I_ think," Temari began, only to be cut off.

"We didn't." Kankurou couldn't resist, and Temari smacked him in the back of the head for his cheek.

"As I was saying," she cleared her throat and turned to Sai. "I don't think it is right to blame it on the alcohol, honestly, but I think it would be better to be honest rather than keep it secret."

"So you're saying," Kankurou turned to his sister. "Let's say you're dating the guy of your dreams, and you're all in love. You make a mistake, get really drunk, and end up in bed with some other guy, and you can barely even remember it, so really, it doesn't _count_. But you're going to ruin your perfect relationship with this guy because you fucked up once? I mean, why does he need to know about that?"

"First of all, if I'm in such a perfect relationship, why am I sleeping with other men? And what do you _mean_ it doesn't count? Honestly, I'm going to warn any girl you date against you!" Temari told him vehemently.

"Of _course_ it doesn't count if you don't remember it." Kankurou turned to Sai. "In this story, does the person remember it?"

"Sort of." Sai frowned slightly.

"Wait!" Kankurou's eyes went wide. "Wait! This is about you, isn't it!? You got really drunk and hooked up with some girl last night, didn't you!? You totally did! I totally underestimated you, Sai! Way to go!"

"What?!" Temari's eyes also widened and she turned to Sai in a rage. "Tell me you did _not_ defile one of my ninja!"

"Well," Sai rubbed the back of his head hesitantly. "I don't think I did anything. She did all the work."

"That's it!" Kankurou turned to Gaara. "I want to be ambassador from now on. Temari is _wasting_ that job! She can be advisor, we're trading."

"You can't just _trade_." Temari glared at her brother, hitting him upside the head again. "Honestly. Like being an ambassador is about seducing foreign ninja. Sai!" she turned on him, and he quailed slightly under the power of her glare. "Did you have sex with my ninja?"

"No," Sai shook his head vehemently. "I did _not_ stick it in her, I know. However, I am not sure what it is called. She put it in her mouth…" he held his hand in an o gesture and moved his mouth to demonstrate. "And went like that until I was done."

"That would be a blow job." Neji was looking probably more dignified than anyone ever had when uttering that phrase.

"Oh, yes, thank you, Neji." Sai nodded. "I know how to do some of these things, but the phrases are still evading me…"

"Who did that to you?" Kankurou was laughing, and evading Temari's attempts to hit him again. "Who did it? Was it Atsuko!? It was! I can tell by your face! You totally hooked up with her! Way to go!"

"Would you _stop_ that!" Temari scolded him before turning on Sai. "I cannot believe you! Did you really do that with Atsuko!?"

"As I said, I really didn't do anything, she simply put it in her mouth, and I lay there." Sai explained, and winced as she hit him this time.

"You are _not_ supposed to be fooling around with your escort! Atsuko was assigned to guide you around and make sure that you were taken care of! Not to…do dirty things with you!" Temari scolded him. "You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of her like that!"

"Actually, I think she may have taken advantage of me." Sai informed them all. "You see, she was the one that gave me the wine, and then she came to bed with me and took all my clothes off, and she said she wanted for me to come back, and then she—"

"Enough! You don't have to explain the whole thing again." Temari shook her head and rubbed at her eyes in frustration.

"Well, I think _I'd_ come back if she did that to me." Kankurou offered helpfully, dodging another thwack from Temari. "Was she good?" this time, Temari did hit him, and he nursed a lump on his head, looking as though he'd done nothing wrong while Temari rolled her eyes.

"This is probably the worst thing I've ever heard of. I don't know whether to punish Atsuko, banish you from _ever_ visiting our village again, or both!" Temari threw up her hands. "I hope you're happy."

"If it is against the rules, is that why you never told Shikamaru how you felt?" Sai asked her, a thoughtful look on his face, and Temari immediately went bright red. Kankurou started laughing again and even Neji and Gaara looked at each other in slight surprise. "Wait…I am sorry. I was not supposed to tell them that, was I?" Sai apologized, and Temari blustered inaudibly under her breath.

"Yes!" Kankurou punched the air in excitement. "Good job on the secret intelligence, Sai. Anything else to tell us that's awesome? Not that there's much that can top what you've already done. Seriously, you're the best foreign escort thing _ever_. As advisor, I'm putting in a formal request to make Sai our permanent liaison with Konoha."

"I don't think so." Gaara frowned at him, and Kankurou snorted in annoyance.

"Come _on!_ Just because he hooked up with Atsuko doesn't mean his next stop is Neji!" Kankurou pleaded. "Look, see, Sai's straight! He likes the ladies, he said before, right?"

"I do like the ladies." Sai nodded solemnly.

"So see, Neji's ass is safe." Kankurou clapped Gaara on the shoulder. "No one's going to steal your pretty-boy boyfriend."

"Can you please stop talking about me as though I am not right here?" Neji asked, his tone still completely dignified, as though they were having a much more appropriate conversation than they actually were.

"Shut up, princess." Kankurou retorted, and Temari stifled a laugh, suddenly forgetting her own embarrassment.

"Kankurou, your pay will be docked for the next month." Gaara spoke up in a calm tone. "For insubordination."

"To your boyfriend?" Kankurou asked, outraged.

"To your superior." Gaara corrected. "I gave Neji the post of senior advisor last night."

"What, while he was going down on you? Really fair governmental system there, Gaara." Kankurou grumbled.

"I would not deny having biases in my postings." Gaara turned a cool mint glare on his brother. "After all, while Temari has excelled in her position, I think the only thing that has kept you in your own post has been my lenience toward you, brother."

"Wait!" Temari pointed suddenly at Sai. "In your story, there was cheating. Do you have a girlfriend!?"

"Ah, yes." Sai suddenly wished they had forgotten about him. "Haruno Sakura and I have been dating for two and a half months now."

"It's okay, it doesn't count." Kankurou assured him. "You don't remember it. Plus, you said she did all the work. Just tell Sakura she forced you."

"You can't do that!" Temari cut in. "Sai, you have to tell her what you did, and you can't just blame it on anything else! You're a man, so you have to take responsibility, and beg her for forgiveness, and if you're _lucky_ she might give you a second chance, but I sincerely do _not_ approve of cheating—"

"Yeah, what if Shikamaru cheated on Ino with you?" Kankurou asked, and she punched him so hard he fell over, winded. One of the honor guard came back after a moment, looking completely unsurprised, as though this happened all the time, scooped up the temporarily immobile Sand sibling, and joined the rest of the guard while Temari dove back into her tirade against the evils of cheating.

For once, Sai regretted asking for advice.

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To be continued…


	26. Chapter 26

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 26

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_I know that trust is important for love._ Sai considered thoughtfully. _If I tell her, she will know that I do not keep secrets from her, but will she trust me to be on my own ever again?_

These thoughts stayed with him as he parted with the Sand party and headed to his apartment. He wasn't sure if he wanted Sakura to be there. Part of him was eager to see her again, as he had been since he left. However, as he imagined her reaction, he felt terrified that this was the end. How could he hope to convince her to stay with him now? Surely, she could find a boyfriend who would not get into so much trouble.

_Now I know, I really will never drink again._ Sai did not want to blame Atsuko, though part of him, the ruthless ninja within him that understood such intrigues, suspected that she had planned for something like that to happen. However, if he had not been drunk, he was sure he would have never let things go so far. _At least we did not have sex. But I feel almost as though something has been stolen from me. I only want to feel Sakura's touches, her kisses, and Atsuko stole that exclusivity from me._

He feared that he would be so confused by what happened, that he would no longer know Sakura or her body the way he had. He knew he would tell her, he realized, because he was sure she could see through him, and it would be pointless to keep a secret she would figure out. And if he kept it from her and she found out, surely she would be even angrier. His only hope was to tell her and to beg for forgiveness.

He let out a soft sigh as he stood at his own door, hefted his bag on his shoulder slightly, and tried the handle. It was unlocked. Entering cautiously, Sai felt momentarily disoriented. He could see that Sakura had been relocating the furniture, and he smiled softly, sadly, realizing that she must have been looking forward to moving in together, preparing for his return. He felt as though emotion would strangle him, and he took a deep breath, trying to compose himself as he dropped his bag on the couch and walked further into the apartment. He could see the kitchen was empty, so he slowly opened the bedroom door.

It was nearly noon, but Sakura was in his bed. He could see that she was fully dressed, and guessed from the kerchief in her hair that she had been cleaning up, preparing for his return, and laid down for a quick nap. He felt his vision blur slightly, and he waited for the tears to subside. He did not want her to worry. He wanted…just one more peaceful moment with her, and then…then he would tell her everything.

He removed his gloves and shoes, but left the rest of his clothes on, just as she had, climbing into the bed and letting his arms go around Sakura's warm body. He couldn't believe how right she felt, how good this was. How could he have made such a stupid mistake and put all of this at risk? After she found out, Sakura probably would not even want to be his friend anymore. Sai tried to think of what he would do, and he suddenly felt tears pricking at his eyes again.

He had not realized when all of this started how he would come to feel love, and most likely to lose it just after he had gained it. He still remembered the surge of joy he had felt when she first told him she loved him, just before he left. And it had only taken a few weeks for him to ruin everything. He could feel himself shuddering as he struggled not to cry. He did not want Sakura to see him like that. He wanted her to say that she loved him, at least once more, so he could lock that feeling away and keep it, no matter what else happened.

"Mmm," she mumbled, turning over half asleep in his arms and nestling against him, her kerchiefed head tucking under his chin as she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him so tightly he almost lost his breath. "Sai…don't leave me."

"I would never, ever leave you." He whispered, feeling his breath hitch. He felt the same fear that she did, but she had no reason to worry. Of course he could not leave her. He could not go on without her, and he couldn't imagine what it would be to live once more without Sakura in his life. "I love you, Sakura."

"Love you, too." She mumbled, and then looked up at him, a guilty expression on her face. "I love you so much, and I didn't even realize." She was awake now, though still slightly groggy, and Sai felt the words flow through him like a balm, covering all his wounds and healing them, but at the same time, building that dread in him further as he realized that this was something he had already lost, the moment Atsuko had kissed him. "I should have told you sooner, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he told her, forcing a smile and hoping she couldn't see how close he was to losing control completely. "There was no rush. You can come to things in your own time. I wasn't asking you to say it back, that was something you did on your own."

"I…I have to tell you something." Her face scrunched up, and he could see that now _she_ was about to cry, and panic struck him. Did she know already? How could she already know? "When you were gone, something…something happened."

"What is it?" Sai didn't know what to do, so he deftly pulled off her kerchief and used it to dab at her wet eyes. "Are you alright? Did someone attack you?"

"Not…not really." She sniffled. "Lee kissed me."

Sai felt as though his body was falling away from him, leaving nothing behind but his surprise. "He…he kissed you. But you didn't—"

"No, I didn't…I didn't do anything. I didn't even push him away, I felt so bad for him." Sakura let out a sob and squeezed Sai close again, making him return to himself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make him think…I thought we were just hanging out and training and stuff. Just friends. He knows now that I can't…I can't return his feelings at all, but I should have…"

"Sakura, that's not your fault." Sai frowned slightly. "You did not even do anything. You are very beautiful and Lee has been in love with you for a long time. Of course he would want to take a chance, to have a hope of being with you."

"How can you…just…aren't you mad at me?" Sakura cried against his chest, and he let his eyes close for a moment, hoping that his confession would go as smoothly as this.

"Why would I be mad at you?" he asked her, his voice low and soothing. "Of course, I do want to punch Lee very hard in the face. Is that alright?"

"I think one punch is your right." She laughed, and it sounded odd through her tears as she wiped her face and looked up at him. "I thought you'd leave me."

"I would never leave you, Sakura." He repeated. "I cannot imagine a world without you by my side. In fact, I wonder now how I got by before."

"I love you." She sighed happily, her tear-streaked face pressing into his neck as she kissed him softly, working her way up his throat. "You gave me this," she indicated the area between them. "I love you more than I thought I ever could love anyone."

"I love you, too." He took a deep breath and smoothed her hair, dropping the kerchief in the nest of blankets and pillows they had formed. "But…I have to tell you something, as well."

"What?" Sakura's voice was low suddenly, and she looked at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"I had…something happened, and I think it is better that I tell you, so that you know I would not lie to you. But please, remember that I love you." Sai pressed a kiss to her forehead and he despaired as he felt her go stiff in his arms, pulling back to stare at him.

"What did you do?" she asked, her tone already bordering on anger, and Sai knew that she would not forgive him for this, no matter what he said, but he could not turn back now. At least they had shared that moment of intense love. He would remember that, and perhaps it would comfort him in the loneliness to come.

"When I was in Sunagakure, I had a guide, in the way that Shikamaru guides Temari when she visits our village." Sai took a deep breath and tried to avoid her piercing gaze. It just hurt knowing that he had destroyed everything, but that the worst was still to come. "My guide wanted to wish me farewell, and she gave me wine and when I was very drunk…she did things to me. I have been told that it is no excuse that I was drunk, but I will tell you that I did nothing. I can barely remember anything, but I do remember that I was nearly unconscious…I did not want what happened to happen, but there was not much I could have done in that state. I should never have had alcohol again after I swore not to. If I had not, then I would have been able to spurn her advances, and I understand that you are probably very angry with me."

There was a long silence, and Sai noticed that Sakura was very pale. Sai began to worry she had fainted with her eyes open before she spoke once more, her tone eerily calm. "What _things_ did you do with her?" she asked, not blinking, her eyes burning with an intensity that unnerved Sai completely.

"I…I believe she kissed me." He told her, feeling utterly cowed by the power of her gaze. "And then…Neji told me the words for it…blow job, he said?" Sai started to tilt his head, but before he could, he found himself on the floor, his back hurting horribly, and his portrait of Sakura wobbling from his impact with the wall before it fell on his chest.

"You kissed her…and you let her…let her…" Sakura had tears streaking her face as she approached him, but she looked angrier than sad, and Sai felt a moment of cool resolution.

_I see. I do not need to worry. She is going to kill me, and therefore, I will not have to worry about what I will do after this._

He found this thought oddly soothing, and let the serenity of knowing he was losing everything and there was nothing he could possibly do to stop it wash through him, chasing away his fear. Why fear this? Of course he had known she would be angry. His fear could not stop that, or save what they once had.

"How can you…just like that!" Sakura's fingers were like rigid claws, digging into her temples as though trying to understand what had just happened, how they had gotten to this place, or perhaps just wishing she could erase the last ten minutes and live them over again. Sai stared up at her, waiting for "You never think of anyone, do you?! And you came in here…held me like you cared…like you really…like anything I say or do _matters_ to you! I should have _known_, when you didn't care about Lee! No one can just brush something like that off! But of course, you're off sleeping with random girls! Well I'm _sorry_ that I've never been good enough! I'm sorry if I'm not just going to do whatever you want! You wanted me to love you for _you_, and I _did_, but you'll never be able to love me for who I am! You think you know who I am, but all you know is what you want me to be! But I can't…I can't just let you walk all over me like this!"

She flew at him, her fists ready, her rage completely unleashed, tears still streaming down her face even as she attacked him. Sai, for his part, did nothing to fight back or defend himself. He wanted this. The feel of her fists, the distraction of physical pain, let him hide from the overwhelming feelings that were sweeping through his heart at the realization that there was clearly no hope, there was nothing he could do to reason with her, and there was no reason to try. He had done this on his own, and she was like an avenging angel, meting out judgment on his undeserving flesh. He felt his skin split, felt his bones crack, and he felt almost happy knowing he would have this end, knowing that he would not have to live with his heartbreak. He knew it would be worse this time than before, knowing what it was to be truly happy, to love someone, and have them love him in return, and then to lose that and know that it was his own stupidity that had led him to this…it would be better to die, he was sure, then to try and live without her.

"Fuck!" Sakura's scream was filled with heartrending pain, and he felt his heart break again, as fresh as it had been, there it was, stronger than ever. Nothing could dull that pain, no amount of physical punishment could overwhelm the bone-deep ache, the poisonous sting that filled his whole being. His eyes were closed, and it took him a moment to realize that she had stopped. She wasn't hitting him anymore, and she had only just started. Why would she stop? She had given him worse poundings over far less.

His eyes opened, one of them only managing to see a blur from the blood that was dripping from his split brow. Sakura was staring down at him with a look that he could not begin to comprehend. He could see she was angry, her fists still clenched and shaking at her sides. She was panting heavily, but her eyes looked as though she had woken from a nightmare only to find she couldn't escape. She was terrified, and she looked defeated, as though there was not an ounce of hope in her. "I…I can't do this." Her voice cracked and she ran from the room, leaving Sai to painfully rise to his feet.

His ribs were cracked, or possibly broken. It was hard to tell. He could taste blood in his mouth, and he didn't know if it was from a cut lip or something more serious. His back was sore as it always was when Sakura launched him into something hard, and he'd twisted his left ankle, but he was almost disappointed at his sparse injuries. Limping slightly, he moved out of the bedroom, wiping the blood from his eye so that he could see better as he tried to find Sakura.

He did not have to look far. She was in the living room, cramming seemingly random objects into her bag, and as he entered the main room, she rushed past him almost as though he were invisible, going into the room where much slamming and tossing of clothing began without warning. "What…" he found his throat hurt, and he realized she had probably punched him in the neck and damaged his windpipe. His voice was raspy, but he could speak, so he did. "What are you doing?"

"Don't talk to me." Her voice was shaking as though she was barely restraining the urge to yell and scream at him all over again. "Don't. I can't…even look at you right now." Her voice was thick, and he knew she was crying still, even through her anger. He suddenly wished more than anything that she would stop hurting, that he could take away all her pain and make it his. He was the one who had done this, he was the one who deserved to hurt.

"I just…" Sai knew he had to say something, even if she didn't want him to talk. "I wanted you to know…I thought this way…this way you would know that at least I did not lie to you." He felt like his throat was being constricted, whether by emotions or the injuries she had inflicted, he had no idea. "I am sorry. Would it have been better if I had never said anything?" She didn't answer with words, but her sarcastic laugh told him that would not have been the way to handle this situation. "I want to know…what should I have done? There must have been a way…something I could have said or done…something to make you stay."

"Forget about it." She turned, glaring at him, her eyes full of vindictive rage, and though it hurt him, he was struck by the realization that even her pain was beautiful. Everything Sakura did was filled with life, and he wished she could see how it looked, how it made him feel just to be near her. "I knew…I knew you'd realize eventually that you could have anyone. I knew you'd leave me…but I let myself believe you when you said you loved me…I tried to tell myself that you didn't really know what the words meant, but I just wanted so badly to believe that I could have something…this is my punishment." She pushed past him, and in his state, he almost fell to the ground, but caught himself in the door frame. "I'm leaving."

"Sakura…please, I will find the way to make you see that I _do_ know what it means to love you," Sai pleaded, limping after her as she made her way to the door. "I made a mistake, and I will make it up to you! I will do anything you ask, only please, don't leave me…please."

"Don't…don't do that!" Sakura shook her head violently, as though she could physically discard his attachment to her. "I'm done! I can't do this! I'm not…I'm not someone who can just forget. I can't be with you…I can't be near you…I have to go away. I'm leaving Konoha."

"No!" Sai felt dizzy, and he didn't know if it was from the injuries, or from the sudden sensation of the world turning itself upside down and leaving him behind. "You can't leave! I love you! You have…friends, and your parents…you would miss them, and you would be missed…the jounin examination is only a few days away, and you would miss your chance—"

"What do I care?" she stomped loudly to emphasize her words. "Just looking at you makes me feel like I want to die or kill you or…I don't know! I can't be near you, I can't bear it!"

"Then I'll leave!" he reached forward to grab her bag, and there was a scuffle as he managed to pull it away even with his injuries. "I'll leave now! I will go away for as long as you want, and perhaps…when I return, you can bear my presence…" he felt a sharp pain in his right wrist from their struggle, and dropped the bag to alleviate the ache. "Sakura, please," Sai fell to the ground, lowering himself completely before her, his nose pressed to the ground, his palms flat on the cold floor. "I beg you…do not take this punishment onto yourself. I am the one to be exiled. Perhaps if I lost all my friends, everything I love…you…perhaps I could learn…" he felt his shoulders convulse, and realized that he was crying. Tears dripped down to form tiny puddles as he remained in his prostrated pose, refusing to rise without her acceptance, or at the very least, her acknowledgment.

Staring down at him, Sakura felt rage subside. She could not forgive him, no matter what, but hurting him had only made her ache worse. Nothing could heal this pain, she knew, but if he left, if he disappeared, maybe the pain would disappear as well. She had wanted to leave herself, but she realized that if she was alone, she would only think of him more, and the agony of it would tear her apart. She sighed heavily, feeling weary, feeling as though she were thirty years older than she actually was.

"Fine." She answered, her tone soft, calm, and terribly sad. "Leave, if that's what you want." She moved around him, picking up her bag."

"How long?" his voice was meek, and in that moment she knew that he truly did feel sorry for what he had done. If she was a weaker woman, she might have forgiven him right then, but she felt she would never be able to trust him again. She had feared that he might leave her, but even she couldn't imagine that he would cheat on her. She thought Sai would be the sort to break up with her before taking up with someone else, but she had learned that was not the case. She wondered if she'd ever trust anyone.

_This is my punishment, I know. I've always known I can never have true love, and I was stupid to forget that, to let myself fall._

She wanted to tell him to never come back, to leave forever and to disappear, but while she wanted him to suffer, she couldn't help wanting him to be happy again…someday maybe she could look at him again. Someday, she would be able to smile with him, perhaps, if there was any mercy in the universe. He had been her best friend and her lover, and now, almost as soon as it all began, it was over.

_Does he really deserve to live his whole life in exile?_

"Five years." She answered, her voice heavier than she expected. "Come back here then, and if I still can't…I'll leave. I may hate you now…but I can't take your life away from you."

"You already have." He looked up, and she gasped to see that he really had been crying. "Without you…my life is nothing."

"Just…just leave." Her tone was defeated and hurt and he ached to know that he had caused that.

_Sai…don't leave me._

He could still hear those words, spoken what seemed moments ago. He could feel her arms holding him, begging him to stay. How quickly it changed. He had sworn he could never leave her, and now he was being forced to break that promise. But for Sakura, he would do anything, and he realized now that this was a test of his devotion. No matter how it hurt, or went against everything he wanted, everything he dreamed of, he would have to prove to Sakura he _did_ love her, whatever she believed. He loved her so it made him want to die without her. He loved her so that he would do anything to spare her pain, even if it meant staying away from her for one year, or five, or ten, or forever.

He gathered his things quickly, since he still had a bag packed from the trip he had just gone on. He wished he could go back to the last time he had left, and do everything over again, right this time. He wished he could see her look at him with love in her eyes again. He wished he could kiss her one last time, and to hear her say that she loved him…

He knew he couldn't have those things, that it was pointless to even think of them, but he could not make his mind stray from that desire to be with her again, someday…maybe someday she could forgive him.

"I love you." His voice cracked as he told her the only true thing he knew, letting the back of his hand brush her arm as he passed her. And then he was gone, disappearing from her life, and she hoped, from her heart.

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To be continued…


	27. Chapter 27

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 27

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"Congratulations Jounin!" Tsunade had clearly had a few drinks already, even though the final ceremonies had taken place less than an hour ago. After that, the examination participants were invited back to the reception hall where food and drink was being provided. "Konoha is lucky to have such a strong force of fighters to rely on. Enjoy yourselves tonight, because starting tomorrow, you will have a lot more difficult missions."

"And we'll get paid a lot more!" Kiba called out, causing a ripple of laughter, and even Tsunade chuckled slightly.

"Yes, that's true." She lifted her glass once more. "To Konoha!"

"To Konoha!" everyone else joined in the toast, even though they all knew very well that technically, most of the new Jounin were too young to be drinking. For this reception, however, everyone was turning a blind eye.

Sakura found a chair and sat down, not in the mood to celebrate, even though a small portion of her was proud she had achieved the higher rank. Some part of her wished that she could let loose and enjoy her success as much as her friends, but even looking around made her long for something she didn't want to think about, let alone name.

_It's only been a week. In time this will fade, just like with Sasuke._ She desperately wanted to believe it would be true. A weak part of her wanted Sai to be here to congratulate her, but she shoved it aside. Her friends were all here, and her parents had been very proud of her. Her mother had never even exceeded genin status, and her father had retired when she was born, leaving him a chuunin. She loved her parents, and she was glad they were proud of her, but somehow, the victory was not what she had imagined.

A few weeks ago, she would have pictured Sai by her side, telling her he had known she would do it. They would be living together by now, showing that she had moved to the next level in her personal life, as well as her professional life.

_He always said I was a better fighter when I was angry. I wonder if I would have passed without this happening._

Certainly, she'd found no problem summoning anger to fuel her in the battle portions of the test, but was it worth the constant ache, the unbalanced feeling as though she were missing a limb? Her parents had commented once or twice when she suddenly returned home and no longer spent the night away from the house, but it had been for only a couple days before the exam, so they probably didn't realize the extent of her relationship problems, and she didn't want to talk about them yet.

Most of her friends were so wrapped in the exam, they hadn't noticed that there was a missing ninja in Konoha, but she could tell from the way he kept giving her long, solemn, expectant looks that Naruto knew there were problems. She did not know how _much_ he knew, however.

Looking around made her feel lonelier than ever. Everywhere, she could see couples. There were Shino and Tenten talking at a nearby table, their bodies angled close as they spoke in low tones. Tenten was smiling, and Sakura imagined that under the shield of his collar, so was Shino. Gaara was there, of course, as a guest of honor in Konoha, with Neji standing by his side. Both of them were silent, and if you did not know about their relationship, Sakura thought you might think the reason they stayed close together was simply because he was Gaara's senior advisor, and this was a foreign function, but even though nothing more than the briefest touches passed between them, every once in a while, Sakura would see their eyes meet, and she found their feelings to be as clear as day. At the moment, Naruto was telling them a story that seemed to involve a lot of gesticulation and loud exclamations, while Sasuke silently looked on, the smallest hint of a smile turning up his lips. She felt jealous of them, at times. She wondered if they ever had fights or problems. Every time she saw them, they seemed to be as happy and content as any married couple. Across the room, she watched as Shikamaru led Ino out of the room, his face looking determined and hers giddy with excitement. Ino was convinced that Shikamaru would be proposing to her soon, now that he had achieved a higher rank, and Sakura had to admit she was probably correct. At another table, across the large hall, she could see Kiba telling Hinata a story, as she giggled and flushed under his devoted attentions, and Sakura felt the pain twist deeper inside of her. Everyone was happy, their lives were wonderful, except for her.

_This is my punishment._

"Where is Sai?" she nearly leapt at the name, and looked up to see her teacher frowning down at her. She had been afraid of Tsunade when she first knew her, but Sakura had grown to trust her and to care for her like an aunt or an older sister, though she knew with the actual age difference, grandmother might be a more plausible relationship.

"I…what?" she tried to keep the waver out of her tone. Tsunade could read her like a book, and it could drive Sakura crazy at times. She supposed when she was older, she would find young people's lives and emotions to be ridiculously obvious and predictable, but now she was so stuck in her own misery that when she imagined growing older, all she could think of was how Tsunade was an eternal bachelorette, and the same fate surely awaited her. Of course, Tsunade had her position to distract her, but Sakura knew that even being a jounin would not be difficult enough to draw her thoughts constantly away from the sharp pain inside of her.

"Sai, you know, about this tall, completely socially inept, good artist, powerful ninja." Tsunade held a hand up to demonstrate. "Your boyfriend, the one who still hasn't handed in his report about the escort mission?"

"Oh." Sakura knew eventually people would notice he was gone, and they were sure to ask her, since everyone knew they were dating, practically living together, in fact. "He's gone."

"Gone? Where did he go?" Tsunade's hands were on her hips, a sign of disapproval, but Sakura wasn't really worried about her anger at this point. She had her own problems.

"We had a fight, so…he's going away for a while." Sakura tried to not feel pain at the words, but the wounds were so fresh, it was impossible. "I don't know where. I just told him to leave."

"Nice, thanks." Tsunade sat down next to her, leaning over in a way that reminded Sakura of a hawk about to strike. "I'm sure I have no use for him, now that we've got all these fresh jounin." She gestured around the room. "Feel free to send some more high-ranking ninja into exile. By the way, how soon would he be coming back?"

"Five years from now." Sakura was not afraid of her mentor, even with the agitated tone, and the bubbling anger. She knew she could hold her own in a fight even with this legendary ninja.

"I'm sorry, I must have misheard you." Tsunade's fists were clenched on the edge of the table, and Sakura heard the wood splinter under her grip. "I thought you said you sent away one of my best ninja for _five years?_"

"I'm sorry." Sakura shook her head, feeling a dull ache that wouldn't go away. "I wanted to leave instead, but he insisted. It was selfish of me to accept, I know he's higher ranking than me, even now."

"Are you going to make a missing-nin out of every man you date?" Tsunade was apoplectic, "Or just the ones that Konoha needs? Your heartache isn't exactly more important than the _whole village_, Sakura! I know that may seem like news to you! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to organize search and recovery parties from some of my leftover jounin." She stormed away in high dudgeon, and Sakura found she couldn't make herself care. She knew that Tsunade could demote her back to chuunin if she wanted, but it didn't matter now. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

----------

"Hmm." Naruto lowered his chin to rest on his folded arms, watching the steam rise from the tea sitting in front of him as though there was a language to the swirls of hot air. Sakura frowned at his response from across the table. She had been talking for a long time, explaining everything that had happened. She'd already told Ino, who had reacted to the story with outrage and indignation, saying that, if anything, she had been too lenient, which had really been just what she needed to hear after the complete reaming out she'd removed from Tsunade, who had called her a stupid, selfish, pig-headed little girl, even after hearing what the fight had been about.

Naruto was annoyed that Sasuke had been among the randomly chosen jounin sent to search for Sai, led by Kakashi and Kiba, who were two of the best trackers in the village. Sakura realized she was unlikely to encounter a lot of sympathy from him, as it had been two weeks now, and he didn't seem to like to be parted from Sasuke for even a day. She wondered if they would bring Sai back, or if he would evade the searchers. She wondered if he _wanted_ to hide from them, or wanted to be brought back to the village. To her.

"So," Naruto looked at her then, interrupting her train of thought. "It's been a couple weeks. You've had some time to calm down and think it over. Do you really think that was best?" he blinked at her, his eyes curious and infuriatingly innocent, as though he was asking what she wanted for lunch.

"What would _you_ do?" she demanded, her tone aggravated. "If Sasuke came back tomorrow and told you what Sai told me, what would you do?"

"I'd probably do something stupid." Naruto told her, making her even more annoyed with the insinuation in his words. He lifted his arms, resting his cheek against one hand as he became thoughtful. "In theory, I guess if someone asked me if I would forgive someone like that, I'd probably just say no without really thinking about it. But now…it would be a hard decision, I think. It would hurt a lot to know that he cheated on me, but it would hurt even worse to lose him. I don't think I could give up on him so quickly. After all we've been through. I mean, even after he ran to Orochimaru and almost killed me, I kept going back to him, I kept believing that if I never gave up, I could bring him back, and I did. Maybe I should draw a harder line, but I honestly don't regret it for a second."

"You would just forgive him?" Sakura snorted derisively. "You can't just let him do whatever he wants to you. That's not love. He'd just be making a fool out of you."

"You're right." Naruto nodded. "But I think the difference here is that I love him, and I _know_ he loves me. If he told me Sai's story…well, I mean, it's bad, isn't it? He fooled around with another girl, but he _was_ drunk. I know that's no excuse, but it also sounded like he was kinda just laying there and she was doing stuff to him. I mean, honestly, if like any girl told the same story, we'd all cry rape and go kill the guy who did it. How would Sai even know the difference between being forced and not? He's so new to all of this, and so he blames it on himself, but even though he thinks it's his fault, he tells you everything so that you find out from him instead of finding out later, and having to know that he didn't really lie to you, but he did hide things from you that were important. I think that would be worse, and I'm kind of impressed that he figured out that it would be better to tell you, because I'm sure he struggled with it. Most guys would have hidden it, but I think it shows that he really does love you. He wants you to be able to trust him, and to know that he wouldn't do something to hurt you on purpose, but he also won't just hide things from you. But you doubt him, don't you? You're not really sure that he loves you, or you don't really love him, so you're not ready to take a risk like that. If that's how you guys were, then it makes sense, and it's probably better this way. But still, five years? That a little over the top, Sakura."

"I can't even believe you're saying this!" Sakura threw up her hands. "You're acting like the fact that he cheated on me proves that he loves me, which makes _no_ sense at all, and the fact that I won't just turn a blind eye means that I don't love him. That's idiotic!"

"That's not really what I said," he shook his head at her wearily. "But it seems to me that you don't want advice or anything. You just want everyone to say what you did was right. If you're so sure it's right, then why do you need us to tell you that? You've already made up your mind, and there's nothing I can do. I personally think that Sai does love you, for sure. I thought that you probably loved him back, so I guess that means that the problem was that you didn't really believe in him loving you. Let me guess, you think he's better than you? Like better looking or something like that?"

Sakura went silent and glared at her tea. She hated it when he did this. It was not fair for one person to be so stupid and so smart at the same time. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and tried viciously to push them back, burning her tongue on a big gulp of tea. She slammed the cup down, her head bending forward as a tear fell into the tea.

"Hey, it's okay." Naruto reached forward, resting his hand solidly on her own. His hands were nothing like Sai's. The fingers were shorter, the skin was more tan, and they were much rougher. She wondered if even Sai's hands could make her feel better now, and a few more tears fell. "I know it hurts."

"I just…I burnt my tongue." She told him stubbornly. "Stop acting like you know everything all the time."

"I don't know everything," he squeezed her hand and then pulled it away to take a sip of his own tea. "And I really don't think I'll ever come close. But I _do_ know what it feels like to be in that position. To think that as soon as you love him, he'll leave you anyway, so it's pointless, right? Thinking that he'll realize how much better he could do, thinking that he doesn't really love you, he just hasn't met anyone better yet so he doesn't know the difference."

"Sasuke?" she looked up, tear tracks running down her now splotchy face. "You thought he'd…leave you? But he's so…I mean, he doesn't show it the same way, but he's totally devoted to you. He's practically obsessed."

Naruto's skin pinked slightly and he chuckled sheepishly. "Yeah, I know that now, but it took time for me to really trust in that, you know? I wanted to, right from the start. I always try to live so I don't have any regrets, so that I've done everything I wanted to, but before you even knew about us, it really did scare me. I thought that it wouldn't last, and I could feel my feelings getting stronger, and I kept thinking, what am I going to do when he leaves? How will I even survive something like that? Because I always thought he _would _leave eventually. And no one would even know, because it was still a secret."

"Are you still afraid?" she asked him.

"No, not really." He shrugged. "I realized one day that this is _Sasuke_, I mean, he would never just do something like tell me he loved me if he didn't really mean it. He hates to show a soft side, you know. So I finally started to believe in him. I mean, love means trusting someone, right? Trusting that they'll love you back, even if they meet someone more attractive, or smarter, or whatever. Trusting even that if they made a mistake, that they really _do_ love you, and that they aren't going to leave you unless maybe you send them away for five years or something stupid like that."

"I know." She frowned in thought. What Naruto said made sense, but it didn't make her less afraid that he _would_ leave her if she forgave him. Did that mean she didn't love him, or did it just mean she needed time? And even if she wanted to forgive him, how could she unless the search parties brought him back? He was missing now, and she had started to regret her decision.

Five years was such a long time, she realized. After five years, would he even want her anymore? Would she want him? She wasn't sure of anything.

-----

To be continued…


	28. Chapter 28

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 28

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Sai had been upset and distraught when he left his apartment, but he was not stupid, and his training and knowledge as a jounin could not be erased even by something as powerful as heartbreak. He knew that it would not be considered acceptable for him to simply disappear from Konoha, and that search parties would be sent to locate him. He also knew that while his injuries were not completely debilitating, he would need time to recover before he could hope to evade any sort of search. With that in mind, he decided to stay in Konoha, hidden, and then leave after he had healed reasonably well.

It took a bit of time for him to locate the perfect place, although he had somewhere in mind right away. He felt odd walking through the Uchiha compound that had once been home to so many, and now was home to only two ninja. He hoped Sasuke wasn't in the habit of patrolling the areas Naruto and he didn't use, and he kept himself alert, knowing he may need to hide if someone approached.

He didn't know the buildings very well, but he was sure they would have secret doors and hidden compartments and so on, just because they had been homes to many powerful ninja, and that was standard in these sorts of compounds.

Finally, when he had felt he might just collapse, he located a hidden compartment in one of the abandoned buildings. It was a tiht fit, so before he climbed inside, he dressed his wounds, and clumsily attempted a basic healing jutsu. His chakra was drained almost at once, proving how tired he was. He climbed into the cupboard, barely feeling discomfort in his exhaustion, and falling asleep almost as soon as he closed the door.

He had rations and water with him, so he stayed locked in the cupboard for three weeks, only leaving at night to go to the bathroom, sleeping during the day, and channeling his chakra in a weak stream that wouldn't draw attention to accelerate his healing.

After he felt his condition was improved enough, he left his self-imposed isolation in the dead of night, carefully reaching out his senses to try and locate anyone nearby so that he could avoid running into someone. As he passed the main building, he could barely sense Naruto, and realized that his friend was probably fast asleep, while Sasuke seemed not to be home at the moment. Sai wondered if the Uchiha was out searching for him.

Scaling the wall, Sai put Konoha behind him swiftly and silently. He took a deep breath as he stood with the city at his back, and started walking forward with no destination at all in mind. Now that the threat of discovery was fading to the back of his mind, it seemed to open his mind exclusively to thoughts of Sakura, and his impossible mission of atonement.

His whole body was sore from being tucked into a cupboard at first, but as he walked, he felt only a stiffness in his healing ankle, and after a month of traveling, even that felt as good as new. His wrist stayed stiff for a while longer, and he did exercises to stretch it every night, well aware of how damaging it could be to a ninja to lose the dexterity in his dominant hand.

He did not discard his hitai-ate, but he did not wear it, either. He kept his kunai hidden as well, and at the first village he came to, he purchased normal shoes so that people would not see his toeless sandals and identify him as a ninja. He doubted they would continue searching for him after a month, but if they did, he did not want to advertise who he was. He had promised Sakura he would stay away for five years, and he intended to follow through on that.

Through all of this, Sai felt lonely. He did his best to ignore the emotions that nagged at him, but one night, he found that troubling thoughts and confused feelings kept him up nearly all night. Finally, he took out some paper, originally intending to draw, since that typically relaxed him, but he found himself writing out his thoughts. He thought of it as a mission report, recording his progress. He fell asleep writing, and while it didn't make everything better in the morning, he found that it calmed him and helped him come to terms with his situation, so after that, he usually spent time writing each night before he went to sleep.

It occurred to him that the things he wrote were all things he wanted to tell Sakura specifically, and so he began recording more than just his feelings and thoughts on what he had done and what he might do in the future. He would write about the things he saw that he thought she would be interested in. He would tell her about meeting people, moving from town to town, sometimes helping out with his abilities, and sometimes simply living as a normal drifter for no set period of time. He told her about the things he learned, the friends he was able to make, and everything that he would have told her if she had been with him in person to speak to. He filled a notebook up and started another. Soon, he had more than a few books full of these thoughts and experiences, and he understood for the first time why someone might keep a journal. However, he always hoped that he might return these books to Konoha and share them with Sakura, rather than keeping them to himself.

He felt like all of this writing was helping him to understand himself better. He found he was more comfortable than he had once been around people, and while he never expected to find companionship as natural and easy as Naruto did, he did find many friends as he traveled. Sometimes, a woman would take more than a friendly interest in him, but he refused them all, politely explaining that he was already in love, and that he would someday return to that person. He had no desire to erase Sakura from his heart, or to dull his feelings for her. The horrible pain had dulled into a steady ache that would sometimes pulse stronger when he missed her especially. Of course, he missed all of his friends, and thought of them often. He wondered if things were going well for them, and he hoped they were all doing well. He considered how many things could change in five years, and wondered if any of them would be married when he returned. He hoped Sakura would not be. In five years, he realized, some of them might even have children. He wrote to Sakura that he thought he might want children someday as well, but that it was too soon to decide on things like that. It made him miss her even more.

When things had fallen apart, they had been about to move in together. In five years, he imagined that _they_ could have been married, and perhaps they would even have a child. Of course, they would need to move to a larger home if they wanted to start a family…

Whenever his thoughts wandered to the future, especially to a future with Sakura, he felt a small twinge of dread that things like that might not be possible, but he also felt a surge of hope. He wished they had not lost so much time, and he was determined that they would make it up when he returned, if she could only forgive him.

Always, he kept track of the time that was passing. The days turned to weeks, and the weeks became months, and before he knew it, a full year had passed, and he thought of Sakura more than ever. He wondered where she was, and if a year apart had softened her heart at all.

----------

Sakura unconsciously smoothed down the skirt of her pink silk dress and sighed heavily, contemplating the slice of cake in front of her. Ino was giggling again as she returned from dancing with another of the guests, and even though he was acting like he couldn't wait to leave, Shikamaru greeted her return with a quick kiss before capturing her hand under the table and sparing her a small smile. For Shikamaru, that was absolutely ecstatic behavior.

Sakura wanted to leave. She should have never agreed to be maid of honor, but Ino had been so persistent, and Sakura had not realized how depressing it would be. Helping make the arrangements, planning all the details with a deliriously happy Ino made her feel more alone than before. No matter what had happened or who was to blame, she knew she missed Sai. The thought of another four years of this made her decidedly dejected, and she couldn't help thinking that in her anger, she had truly done something stupid.

Five years was such a long time, after all. Anything could happen, but she was seriously starting to doubt that five years would make her forget about him or want to see him any less. Some days she wondered if he would ever return, or if he would meet someone new, settle down, and forget her completely.

_This is my punishment. And I've done it to myself. I sent him away, or he would never have left me. He swore never to leave me…_

A few months ago, she had moved into his apartment. It had been available, since he had been missing for so long, and she felt that she was getting too old to live with her parents. The landlord told her that they could throw out the old tenant's things, but she said that she would take care of them. She stored his art supplies away carefully, so that he could use them if he ever came back. She was sure some people thought it was rather odd that she was living in her missing ex-boyfriend's apartment, but she didn't really care. Just being there, with his belongings around her, made her feel like he would come back.

That was silly, of course. He could buy new things if he wanted. But she missed him, and she loved him, and it hurt. She had always thought the hardest thing would be to find someone she loved who loved her as well, but she was learning that there was more to it than that. Helping with the wedding only exacerbated the pain, yet she had struggled through it. She had even toasted the new bride and groom, but her smiles all day had been forced. This would never be her. She had thrown away her chance to have someone she could grow old with, that one person she was meant to be with, and now she'd be alone for the rest of her life, hoping for something that was impossible.

"Sakura," she looked up at Sasuke, who was holding out his hand, an expression of annoyance on his face. "Dance with me." He commanded gruffly, looking as if he wanted nothing less, and Sakura had a shrewd idea that he had been cajoled into this by Naruto. That actually made her smile a little. It was funny, though. Two years ago, this would have been the happiest moment of her life, but now she saw it was simply a kind gesture from a concerned friend. Falling in love with Sai had made her see Sasuke in a much different light than she had looked upon him with in her childhood. Still, no matter how annoyed he looked, it was very sweet of him to ask.

"Okay," she took his hand and he led her to the floor where many other couples were dancing. She allowed him to lead, and was surprised to learn that he actually knew how to dance, though the stiffness in his posture told her that he did not like this reason for people to look at him. She appreciated his sacrifice, in any case. "Tell Naruto I said thanks." She teased him, and he scowled slightly.

"He said it would cheer you up." Sasuke grumbled. He sighed after a few moments and clicked his tongue in irritation. "If you miss him, why don't you just go find him?"

"I…it's not that easy." She flushed. There was no point in denying it if even Sasuke could see what was bothering her.

"Isn't it?" he asked. "Worked for Naruto. It took him a few tries, but it worked."

"Even if I wanted to go, I'm not a tracker, I'm a medic nin." Sakura told him. "I'd have to get permission from Tsunade, and she probably wouldn't even let me go without a whole team."

"So?" he asked, and she shook her head, looking down at their slowly moving feet. "Do you want to find him, or are you still mad or something?"

"I don't know." She frowned and shook her head slightly. "I know I want to see him again, but…I don't really know what will happen when I do. I don't know how I'll feel, or how he'll feel. I don't know what I'll say to him, or what I want to say."

"You could just wait another four years." Sasuke shrugged slightly as though it didn't matter to him one way or the other. "Finally." He muttered as the song ended, and he fled the floor without even escorting Sakura back to her seat. She saw Naruto say something sharp to him before the blonde intercepted her on the way back to her seat and led her straight back to the floor.

"Sorry, he can dance better than me." Naruto apologized as he stepped on her foot. "But I didn't want to leave you looking sad up there. You've already done your toast and everything. Why don't you just go home if you aren't having fun?"

"I'm trying to have fun." She told him, and at the look of disbelief on his face, she found herself laughing. "Okay, I'm not trying that hard. But this is horrible! I want to be happy for her and Shikamaru, I really do, but all I can think about is how much my own life is messed up. I'm never going to be a bride, and I guess I'm a little jealous."

"Sakura, don't say that." Naruto chided her, "You'll get married someday, and even have kids. It'll be great, I can be there Uncle Naruto, and they can come over and drive Sasuke crazy spilling stuff on his precious mats." Sakura laughed again, and she felt the tightness in her chest loosening. This was by far the happiest she had been all day.

"I want to believe that will happen, I know." She told him, flushing slightly. "I want to believe that everything will work out, but I can't help feeling like I've thrown away every chance I've been given. I don't know why I never said yes to you. You would have been a great boyfriend. You're able to cheer up even Sasuke, and you always know what I'm feeling and how to make it better."

"Well, if you had, you might have never gotten together with Sai." Naruto told her. "And then Sasuke would be even grumpier than ever, cause I would have been taken, and he wouldn't have me to give him snuggles when he's sad."

"Don't ever," Sakura managed between giggles, "say Sasuke and snuggles in the same sentence again."

"What? Sometimes he just needs a hug." Naruto told her, and she laughed again. "So are you ready?"

"What for?" she asked, the smile still on her face.

"To give him a second chance." Naruto elaborated, and Sakura didn't have to ask who he meant. "I bet he misses you even more than you miss him."

She didn't know what to say, but she was spared a moment by someone tapping a glass to draw their attention up to the head table, where Kiba was standing for some reason. "Everyone!" he called out, and someone lowered the music so that he could speak. "I have great news! Hinata's going to marry me!" he pulled the shy girl over, as she blushed furiously and let him kiss her in front of everyone. She held up a finger, and they could all see it glinting in the light, showing the ring she was wearing. Sakura felt tears well up in her eyes and spill over, and she wondered why she was crying. Was she happy for them? Was she sad for herself? She thought she might never know how she truly felt again.

"Good luck, Hinata!" Chouji called out, and everyone laughed before the music came up again and Naruto turned back to her, not commenting on her tears, just giving her an understanding smile and wiping them away with one hand.

"That's great, right?" he asked her as the song ended and he walked her off the floor toward his table. She could see he was trying to keep her spirits up by pulling her away from the main table where she had to bathe in the glow of Ino and Shikamaru's happiness.

"Yeah, everyone's happy." She sighed slightly. "Did you know that Sai kind of inadvertently got them together?"

"I heard something like that." Naruto smiled at her. "So then," he pulled out a chair for her and Sasuke gave her a glance to acknowledge her presence. "You're going to go find him, right?"

-----

To be continued…


	29. Chapter 29

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 29

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"I knew this would happen eventually." Tsunade dropped her eyes to her desk and began shuffling paperwork dismissively. Sakura knew better than to be impatient with her teacher. Tsunade sometimes liked to rub in her power and test people's tempers, and while she was boiling internally, Sakura could separate herself enough from this to keep her face calm.

This went on for a long time. She went through papers, scribbling notes or signing them, and eventually she looked up, as though she didn't realize there was someone still there. She blinked at Sakura, and reached into a lower drawer, pulling out her sake bottle and cup. She poured a small amount and sipped it, looking at Sakura thoughtfully over the rim of the cup. Sakura schooled her features. She knew better than to show any sort of reaction or emotion at this crucial juncture. Soon, Tsunade would speak.

"You're a good student." She finally said. "And you're one of the best medic-nin this village has ever had. I know you're not interested in this," her arm swept around the office. "But you may very well end up on the hospital board, and if you're here at that age, and you've evened out, maybe even the village council." Sakura tried not to flush at the compliments, but she could feel blood in her cheeks, and Tsunade chuckled. "Wouldn't you be better off without distractions? Sai's not really going to help your career."

"I believe Naruto has the right side of this." Sakura answered stolidly. "He's willing to risk his dream of being Hokage so that he can be with the one he loves. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that. It would be nice to do all those things, I suppose, but if I had to make a choice, it would be to be happy in love."

"I thought you were never going to forgive him." Tsunade commented. "That's what you told me the last time this topic came up."

"I'm still young, Tsunade-sama, and my temper got the better of me. Even if we can't ever be together again, it isn't fair of me to banish him from his home. It isn't fair to him, and it isn't fair to the village that needs him."

"Hmm," Tsunade downed the last of her cup and poured more, casting her eyes over her paperwork, as though she was going to ignore Sakura for another period of time. "Fine, we'll send out another search party for Sai. Hopefully it will be a bit more successful this time. He could be anywhere by now. Could have gone across the sea, or could be dead."

"He's not dead." Sakura couldn't stop herself denying it in a sharp tone. "I know he's not dead."

"Just wanting something doesn't make it true." Tsunade told her student in a dry tone. "Now go away."

"I'm sorry," Sakura bowed slightly. "But did you want me to choose the rest of my party, or did you have people in mind?"

"What?" Tsunade looked up at her in confusion as though she had no idea what Sakura was referring to at first. She blinked at her student again and took a sip of the sake. "Oh, yes. No, I'll choose the party."

"Thank you very much, Tsunade-sama." Sakura bowed deeper this time, trying to hold back her smile. "This means the world to me. When shall I return to meet with the rest of the team?"

"No need." Tsunade responded, now looking at her paperwork again. "You won't be on the team."

"What?!" Sakura clapped her hands to her mouth as soon as the exclamation escaped and Tsunade, instead of looking enraged, smiled knowingly at her.

"Your temper, Sakura, is one of your greatest weaknesses if you ever hope to be a really great ninja." Tsunade told her. "And that temper is exactly the reason I'm not sending you. Who knows what you'll do when you find Sai? You could beat the crap out of him and send him away for ten years for all I know. Remember, he's been gone over a year now. Anything could have happened. Just because you're single doesn't mean he is. He could be married, even. I'm not sending a search party out to kill one of my best ninja. He didn't defect, he was henpecked out of the village."

"Hen…henpecked?" Sakura felt like she was going to faint. This was the most unfair thing that she had ever heard. "But…but you can't send them without me! I'm the reason he left! If I don't tell him it's okay to come back, he might refuse to return!"

"You think I can't find four ninja that could subdue him?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "Interesting. Very well, you can write him a brief letter. Something like 'You can come back now, I'm not mad, signed Sakura.' That should help if there's any resistance."

"That's so…" Sakura couldn't believe how unfair this was. Why was Tsunade refusing her the right to fix her own problems? "But…I'm the one who did this! I should be the one to bring him back."

"Hn," Tsunade shrugged. "I don't know about that."

"But…when Sasuke left, you sent Naruto and I because we were the ones who could make him _want_ to come back!" Sakura contested.

"You and Naruto didn't tell him to go to Orochimaru in the first place." Tsunade told her. "And anyway, Naruto's devotion to Sasuke is something no one could doubt. No one could really stand up against him when he really wants something that badly."

"But…are you saying I'm not—"

"That's enough." Tsunade held out a parchment. "Sign this." Sakura stumbled forward and saw it contained the words Tsunade had just suggested for her letter to Sai. "The party will carry it, and everything will be fine. I suggest you go home and think about something else in the mean time."

"What else can I think of?" Sakura asked, but Tsunade was done with her. She felt utterly defeated. She signed her name and left the office, feeling as though she would have never expected that to be the resolution of her request.

_I shouldn't have even asked. I should have gone off by myself in the first place. I always follow the rules, always do what everyone tells me to. Even now, when it's so important to me, I couldn't really stand up for myself._

Sakura felt unbearably bitter as she reached her home and looked around the apartment that had once been Sai's. If he did come back, where would he live now? She knew now that she had hoped they would have a happy reunion, and that there would be no problem with them moving in together right away. She wanted things to go back to what they had been before his mission in the Sand. Was that so much to ask?

_I want to be the one to find him and bring him back. I owe him that, after all this time._

She looked around her apartment and took a deep breath, her heart beating wildly as she hefted her bag up out of a chair and began packing.

_This time, I'll disobey orders. I don't care what happens. I have to do this for myself._

----------

Sakura felt better than she had in a long time as she walked the road that led away from Konoha. She might not be a tracker, and she might not have the first idea of where Sai might be, but she was clever, and she was determined. She had no clues, no leads at all yet, but she was sure that Sai had not spent the last year alone in the wild. He was among people, she thought, and she would ask everyone until she found his trail. Feeling more excited than ever, she took to the trees, leaping quickly from one to the next. There was a village no far from here, and he might even be there.

She felt a delicious tingling of power. She rarely broke the rules, and she had never gone against anything Tsunade had said before. Part of her was afraid of what would happen when she got back, but she knew that if she found Sai, it would be worth it.

For so long, she had let life happen without struggling, letting all the pieces fall where they might. But starting today, Sakura promised herself she'd remember this feeling. She'd remember what it meant to be in control of her destiny, and to feel good about making her own choices, even if it was scary.

When she reached the village, she began asking about whether anyone had seen someone of Sai's description. She didn't get much response, but she wasn't discouraged. He wasn't someone she could forget, and she was sure she would find someone who had seen him soon.

At first she worried that she would have to evade Leaf ninja searching for _her _as well, but after a few weeks, that worry began to fade into confusion. Why _wasn't_ anyone looking for her? It made her nervous that she would be ambushed as soon as she let her guard down, and while she was having a relatively good time, and she was sure she was doing the right thing, she kept that alert feeling. She wondered if this had been something like what Sasuke had felt, knowing he'd made the right decision, focused on his mission, but always aware of the possibility of being captured and forcibly dragged home.

Always, she was looking for Sai, longing to see him, keeping her ears and eyes open for some hint of him.

When she finally got a lead, she felt more excited than ever, and even though the trail was four months old, she was sure she would find him in a few more weeks, or a month at the most. She'd already been gone over a month and a half already, so she was pleased that she'd finally picked up his trail.

----------

Sai woke feeling a pang in his chest, as he sometimes did. He opened his eyes and was disappointed, but unsurprised, to find himself alone. Sometimes he imagined his exile was a dream, and that he would wake up next to Sakura. Sometimes he feared instead that his time with her had been the dream, but he could not let himself sink into despair. After all, he had many interesting experiences in his travels, and he felt he had learned much more about the world, himself, and people in general.

But it still hurt to know that Sakura was in Konoha, and but for his promise, he could easily go to see her. He always knew exactly what direction his home was in, and he often felt sorely tempted to sneak in and check on her secretly before sneaking away again, but it was too easy to imagine himself being caught, and then she would likely hate him all over again. He couldn't risk it.

Stretching and climbing out of bed, he went downstairs to see if the innkeeper might make him some breakfast, and he was surprised when she caught him on the stairs and pulled him into the kitchen, her manner extremely secretive and urgent.

"There's a girl here asking about you." She hissed. "Came in last night, gave your description. She's a ninja, I can see from how she's dressed, and after how you saved my husband from those thugs, I didn't want to risk anything bad happening to you, so I told her I'd seen you pass through a while back. I didn't know if she was your enemy or your friend, so I wasn't sure—"

"What does she look like?" Sai grabbed the woman by the shoulders, and she was struck speechless. "When was she here?"

"She…she's here now." the woman looked slightly confused. "She's in another room. I locked her in, so if there was any trouble with her being here—"

"What does she look like?" Sai repeated vehemently.

"Ah…just about this tall," she held up her hand for him to see, pink hair, probably about your age—"

"Where is she now?" he turned and pulled her up the stairs, and the woman's eyes went wide as he stopped and turned to her with impatient expectance on his features. "Please!" his desperation finally processed with her, and she pointed to a door, fumbling to pull out her keys.

"I…I have it here. Is she out to get you?" the woman asked in a low tone.

"I hope so." Sai told her, bouncing on his heels as she unlocked the door. "I hope it's her."

"A friend?" she asked, still not sure as she backed away and he grabbed the door and flung it open to be greeted with a very surprised looking Sakura just climbing out of bed, still wearing pajamas.

"Sakura." He gasped the name like it was the sweetest sound to ever pass his lips, and she blinked at him, clearly not expecting this to happen. "Is it really you?"

"Sai?" she asked, her voice still rough from sleep, her hair falling haphazardly about her face as she stepped forward cautiously. "Sai…I came to tell you…to see you…I don't know! I thought when I saw you I would know, but now everything feels just as jumbled as it always did, and I don't know what I should do, I just…I knew I wanted to see you again, and here I am."

"You came to see me?" he asked, hardly daring to believe it could be true. "But…it's only been one year."

"And seven months." She pointed out. "And four days."

"I know…but you said…you told me I had to stay away." Sai had dreamed that he would see her again, but he had never thought he would see her so soon. He had dreamed of crossing paths with her while she was on a mission, but never thought she would seek him out.

"I'm sorry about that." Sakura flushed slightly. "It was too much to ask. What you did…what happened…it doesn't matter. If it was your fault or her fault or whatever. But it wasn't so bad that I should have just…I lost control. I want you to come back."

"You do?" he felt sure this was a dream, and any moment he would wake up. "Back to Konoha?"

"Of course," she flushed again and he strode forward so they could speak at a more comfortable distance. "It's your home, too. Everyone misses you."

"I missed you." He told her. "Every day I missed you, and I wanted to see you, to make it up to you."

"Don't worry about that." She reached out and he took her hand, holding his breath as he did so, as though he was afraid it might disappear. "Let's forget the past and just try to live right now, okay?"

"You are still as wise as I remember." Sai smiled slightly and she giggled, and because he just couldn't stand _not _to, he pulled her to him and kissed her soundly.

Out in the hall, the innkeeper shrugged and walked away as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "A friend, I guess."

-----

To be continued…


	30. Chapter 30

Study of the Heart

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Chapter 30

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They didn't really talk about their relationship for quite a while. In fact, they didn't talk about much of anything besides the immediate tasks at hand. They packed up their things, paid the innkeeper, and began the trek back to Konoha at once. Sai was not sure what Sakura was thinking, or what she felt or wanted right at that moment, or in the future. After he had kissed her, she had avoided looking at him, but he could see she was blushing as she muttered that they might as well get ready to go now that she had found him. Sai was excited just to be near her, and to know that he was going home.

But after a full day of traveling with her in nearly total silence, Sai began to worry about Sakura's behavior. Was she so uncomfortable with him? In his heart, he hoped that they could resolve everything and, as she had said, just live from that moment on, but at the very least, he wanted for them to be able to be friends again.

He sat that night after they had set up camp and thought about the possibility that things between them might never be the same, and he felt a pang of sadness to think that he would never be able to confide in her, and have her confide in him. While he had been away, he had missed her company more than anything, and it was almost unbearable to think that he had lost that forever. He had his notebooks and his memories, but it just wasn't the same.

"Ah!" he jumped up suddenly and nearly stepped in the fire as he rushed to his pack. Sakura was immediately on the alert, looking around to see where the attack was coming from. When Sai emptied his bag at her feet, she looked as though she thought he might have lost his mind.

"Let me see," he hunched over the pile of kunai, clothing, art supplies, and notebooks, shuffling through them before standing up again and thrusting a dog-eared notebook at her, looking rather pleased with himself. "Please read this. It is the first one, and it is meant for you in any case. I want for us to be able to get along well, but perhaps after this separation, you find me to be more a stranger than a friend. Therefore, I thought that if you were to read my experiences during our time apart, you would feel the camaraderie between us return, and it would not bother you so much to be in my company."

"I don't…you don't bother me." She insisted, flushing slightly and frowning, but he simply smiled bright and thrust the notebook into her hands expectantly. She sighed heavily and took it, not sure what to expect.

"It would mean a great deal to me." He told her, and she pursed her lips, sitting down by the fire and opening the notebook with no small amount of trepidation. Her brow furrowed in the way it always did while she concentrated or studied, and she began reading, feeling guilty because she really _did_ feel a bit uncomfortable around Sai. She didn't know what to think or do or say. Could they ever go back to what they had been, or would there always be an impassable gulf between them? She had no idea.

An hour later, Sai determinedly was not looking at Sakura, not wanting her to have to cover up the fact that she was crying. He wanted to go to her, but he still felt that it was too soon for that. It had been a mistake to kiss her, but he could not resist. He had leapt into a tree after giving her the notebook, not wanting to pester her while she read. It was enough to know she was there. He glanced occasionally to see the pink of her hair and then he would go back to keeping watch.

"Sai," he looked down, and saw her face was streaked with tears. He remembered telling her she was an ugly hag, and he wondered at how his perceptions had changed so much since then. Now, even with her face splotchy and puffy, she was the most beautiful thing to him. Love was truly an amazing thing. "I'm done. Are there more?"

"Yes, of course." He leapt down and rummaged through the notebooks. "I can put them in the proper order for you. I fear that I am not very organized." He handed her the second book and she offered the first one to him.

"Thank you," she gave him a watery smile. "Thank you for letting me see these. I would be too terrified to ever let someone read my diary, but I feel like…I understand you more than I did. I thought I knew you well, but now I feel like…"

"You can keep it," he waved at the first notebook. "I was not sure at first, but I realized that I was writing to you when I wrote in these. I was telling you everything I wanted to be able to say to you when I could not be near you."

"Oh," she flushed, though her face was red enough it was hard to tell. "I thought maybe…thanks." She looked at him in a way that made him think she might kiss him, but she lost her nerve or changed her mind and went back to her seat, opening the next notebook. "You can sleep if you want. I'll keep watch."

"That is fine," he shrugged slightly. "I am not tired. I would like to stay up."

"Are you afraid I'll disappear while you're asleep or something? I'll just be sitting here reading." She teased, but from his somber look, she realized he really was afraid she would leave him. "Sai…I'm sorry." Sakura opened her mouth as though to say more, but she shook her head and buried her nose in the notebook. Sai did not press her, sorting the notebooks in the order he'd written in them, and then silently putting the stack next to her before returning to his tree.

Sakura made her way through all the notebooks, not speaking as she set down one and picked up the next one. Sai thought briefly that she looked as though she really was studying, her face set in a frown of concentration, her brows furrowed, and her eyes moving swiftly over each page before moving to the next. He briefly considered going to sleep as the excitement of the day caught up to him and he started to feel he might nod off, but he was not sure he could sleep if he still felt the fear that when he woke up, this would have all been a dream. He would still be alone, he would still miss her, and she would not care about him one way or the other.

He knew it was silly to worry about something like that, but he could not allay that fear, and it staved off his need to sleep. He watched her from his post as she learned all about his time away from her, all the things he had done and people he had met, all the thoughts that had come to him, troubling or hopeful. She would know how he had thought of her everyday, how every happiness was somehow less sweet to him without her to share it. She would see that he truly could not live the rest of his life without her, without the hope of her, without any chance of ever seeing her.

When he saw her set down the last notebook, the one he had written in only the night before, having no idea that she was sleeping just down the hall from him, Sai felt his body go tense with expectation. Now she had read every word he had written over the nearly two years of separation, and he wanted with every fiber of his being to ask her if she could find it in herself to love him again, now that she knew him so thoroughly, or if even now she could never forgive him. This had been all he could do to make her understand how much she meant to him, how much it had hurt to be away from her, how much he had learned and felt since they parted. If she couldn't love him now, he knew that there was likely no chance she ever would.

"It's almost dawn," she told him, looking up and pointing toward the east, where the sky was becoming light. He nodded at her, and she smiled up at him. "Did you write in these every night since you left?"

"Not at first. I started it as something like a mission report. I felt my emotions were very great, and it bothered me a good deal." He told her. "I thought if I was able to draw, I could calm my heart, but it seemed that only by putting these thoughts down on paper could I find any sort of peace. After that, I wrote in them most every night, thinking that I might share them with you someday, and beg your forgiveness for the mistake I made that pushed us apart."

"Sai…" she rubbed at her face slightly, and he could see she was likely as exhausted as he was. "I don't want you to keep feeling like you have to apologize. What you did…I mean, it wasn't really your choice, was it? You told me that she did everything."

"But I did not resist." He pointed out, leaving his post so that he could sit beside her.

"At least you were drunk." She gave him a grim smile. "When Lee kissed me, I didn't push him away, and there was nothing wrong with me at the time. You listened when I told you what had happened, and you didn't hold it against me. You said that I hadn't done anything wrong, and I could see that you didn't love me any less. But when you confessed to me what had happened in the Sand, I went crazy. The thought of you…I mean, I know what happened between you two was a lot more than kissing…but I didn't want to hear that you didn't choose that, that she took advantage of you. Sai, I didn't look at you with the eyes of a friend, I looked with the eyes of a lover, and I was…I was so jealous, and afraid that you had liked it, even if you said you didn't want her to…I wish I could go back, and think of the situation with what I know now. I wish I could have told you to stop blaming yourself. I didn't want to share you with that girl, and I couldn't stand that you just…just _let_ her take away something like that from you, something I thought was reserved for me. But I _know_ you would never purposefully hurt me. I know that she doesn't mean anything to you, and when I read these…" her hand indicated the stack of notebooks. "I see that even through the separation, you always thought of me, you loved me even after what I had done to you. It was unfair, and you didn't hold it against me. You blamed yourself, because you thought that because you love me, it's your job to make sure I'm never sad. But even if nothing bad ever happens _between_ us, even if we never ever have a fight again, I know that life isn't easy, and things will happen to make me sad. That isn't your fault. It's not your responsibility to protect me from these things."

"I can try, though, can't I?" Sai asked, and Sakura laughed quietly, letting her head fall against his shoulder. Her scent came to him faintly under the smells of the forest and the scent of smoke from their fire. "I want you to be happy, Sakura."

"I know that." She told him, and when he put an arm around her waist, she did not pull away. "I finally know that. Naruto told me the reason I overreacted like that was because I doubted you. I didn't think you could love someone like me, because you're so…you're so much better. Honestly, your face is so perfect, and everything about you…it's no wonder that girl wanted you so bad. You're gorgeous, and even though you're unconventional about showing it, you're so considerate, and you give your friends anything you can just to see them happy. You're a good man, Sai, and anyone would be lucky to have you."

"I do not know about that." He told her, letting his eyes close to rest the lids a moment. "I do not want to have anyone be lucky to have me. I want just you to be lucky." She laughed then, and he felt a smile creep onto his face.

"You've changed since I saw you last," she told him in a soft voice. "But you're still so much the same. You say things no one else would, and I know what you mean when you say them, but…it's just so reassuring to know that you're still you."

"Who else would I be?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Never mind." She giggled again and it turned into a yawn. "God, I'm so tired…how close to a village are we?" she asked.

"About two hours if we move swiftly." He answered easily. "Four if we walk."

"Think you could make it there?" she asked him. "I really want a bath and a real bed."

"If you are tired, I can carry you." He offered, and she nudged him with her elbow, stretching out her arms as she stood up.

"No way, it's not like I'm injured or anything. I need to be tough." She insisted, and he stood up, helping pack up their things so they could get to a village and get some rest.

He was more tired than he knew, and he felt he might collapse when they finally found a small inn. "Just one room, please." Sakura spoke before he could, and he didn't know what to think. "And can you tell us where the nearest bath house is?"

The innkeeper gave directions that Sai was too distracted and tired to even pay attention to, and Sakura, who seemed to have gained a second wind with the promise of a bath, cheerily accepted the price, paid for their room in advance, and walked with Sai to drop off her things.

"I'm going to get clean." She told him. "You can just go to sleep if you like."

"No, I'll come as well." He took a deep breath, trying to push down his desire to collapse in the bed. He still didn't like the idea of letting her out of his sight, and while he knew they would be in different baths, just being in the same building was better than trying to sleep while he wondered if she was coming back.

He repressed the urge to yawn at least five times on the short walk to the bath house, and Sakura frowned at him as they both grabbed towels before splitting apart. "You know, if you fall asleep in the bath, you'll drown." She pointed out shrewdly.

"No I won't," he told her, smiling weakly. "The drowning will wake me up, and then I will be much more alert."

"Great, really building my confidence in you right now." She chuckled at his joke. "Seriously, don't take too long, I don't want you passing out in there."

"Sakura, you are very protective of me." He noticed, and she flushed deeply, muttering something under her breath as she darted off to the women's bath. Sai shrugged and made his way to the men's side. Stripping off his clothes, he let himself sink slowly into the hot water, and he felt an involuntary groan escape his lips. It had been a very long day, and the hot water felt amazingly good against his tired body and aching muscles. He knew he really better not take a long bath, as it was all too likely he would fall asleep in the water, and Sakura would never let him hear the end of it.

He found that scrubbing the dirt off of his skin and out of his hair woke him up slightly, and he left the bath feeling rather rejuvenated, although he held no illusions that he could stay awake for another full day on the quick boost of energy. He waited for Sakura, and began to worry that _she_ had fallen asleep in the bath when she reappeared, looking very happy and very fresh.

"You are beautiful," he commented casually as they left the bath house. "Your cheeks are pink and you look happy. I always look the same, but you are always changing." She went brilliantly red and stared at her feet for a moment.

"Your face changes sometimes." She told him softly. "When we're alone." Sai took a moment to realize what she was saying, and realized that now _he_ was blushing. He felt his heart thudding deafeningly in his chest as they made their way back to the inn and up to their room. "I will sleep here." He offered as they looked at the bed, indicating the chair in the corner. "I am so tired it will make no difference to me."

"No," she grabbed hold of his hand as she protested softly. "I want…I'm still not sure what's going to happen between us, and I'm not going to lie to you about that, Sai. I love you, but I don't know if we can start over again so easily. A lot has happened, and we've both changed…but I just want to be able to wake up next to you. Is…is that okay?" she asked, her cheeks going pink again. Sai nodded, not sure he could muster an adequate response for that.

"Should we get naked?" he asked finally, and Sakura froze in surprise as she was pulling down the covers. "Or do you want to have clothes on so that I do not touch your skin?"

"Sai…" she burst into giggles finally. "I'll…I'll just leave that one up to you."

"Very well." He kicked off his shoes and began pulling his clothes off with a very serious expression on his face. "I will also take your clothes off." He told her. "I would like to have naked cuddling, as we used to have."

"Um…okay." Sakura flushed heavily, trying to remember her old confidence as Sai deftly removed her clothing and pulled her into the bed. Luckily, she didn't have to worry about it, because almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, Sai fell asleep, and she followed soon after him.

Still, being with him in that way…it made her feel as though things really could go back to the way they had been. They could be together again.

And it was wonderful to believe that.

-----

To be continued…


	31. Chapter 31

Study of the Heart

Chapter 31

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"You can just have it back," Sakura told Sai as she showed him around his old apartment. "I mean, I think a part of me just wanted to stay here for your sake, you know. Watch over your things."

"I do not want to kick you out." Sai told her frankly as he took in the apartment. It always looked much more like a home with Sakura there to keep it neat and decorate. She managed to make the pictures on the wall look like a personal collection instead of a museum, something Sai himself had never really noticed before she had rearranged them. "You have taken very good care of all my things, and I am very happy about that."

"What if we just both stay here until one of us finds a different place?" Sakura asked, frowning slightly. She would miss the apartment, but to be fair, it had really been Sai's first. "Or I could move back in with my parents until I find another apartment. I've only lived here like half a year, you've lived here for…well, pretty much for your whole life."

"It's just an apartment." He told her with a shrug. "I would not begrudge you this. In fact, before you came to make it nicer, to me it was always a place I could sleep or store things. Now it is much more comfortable. You are the one who made this apartment a good place to live."

"Thanks," she flushed in pleasure at his compliment. She was actually rather proud of how it looked, and she was glad that he appreciated all her hard work. He walked into the bedroom to see that as well, and she followed him.

"The picture is gone." He frowned slightly and touched the spot on the wall where his picture of Sakura had been. "I liked that picture."

"I know," she felt a bit awkward all of the sudden. "But I couldn't really…it was too painful to have it there, looking at me, you know? It was like it was mocking me, and it just made me feel lonely. Plus, the frame is cracked from…well when we had our fight."

"Did you throw it away?" he asked, curious, his fingers lingering on the bare spot of wall.

"No, I just packed it away with your canvases and things." She led him to the closet and giggled slightly. "I thought you said that none of your pictures of me were very good."

"It is not that," he told her. "But when I see that picture, it reminds me of the night that I confessed my feelings and you agreed to be my girlfriend. It is a good memory for me, but I can understand that it would disturb you."

"N—no, I just…when we were separated…" She watched as he carefully shuffled through his pictures and blank canvases until he found the picture and sighed contentedly, his finger brushing the crack in the frame.

"I think I like it better this way." He told her, looking up from the picture. "The crack is to remind us of our mistakes, and our struggle. Is that not a good metaphor?"

"I think I'm kind of amazed you can understand metaphors that well." Sakura teased him, and he shrugged, not insulted at all.

"I have learned much since we were last here." He considered the picture and stood up. "Could we hang it up again?"

"It's your apartment." Sakura shrugged, not knowing why he was asking her.

"Maybe it would be better if you moved in." he told her, his brow furrowed seriously. "I think that is the best possible arrangement. And in that case it would also be your apartment, still."

"We…we can't just move in together!" Sakura waved her hands frantically at him. "I mean…we only just got back together. Don't you think that's moving things a little fast?"

"But before, we were ready to move in together. I want to live with you. I think it is not fast at all. We were meant to be living together nearly two years ago. I think it is very slow." He assured her, and she actually laughed at that.

"I guess that's true…but still. I mean, won't it be weird? We've been alone so long, to just move in together…" she frowned slightly, unsure.

"If you do not want to live with me, you can tell me that. You have already said to me that you love me, and that is more than enough for me at this point. I do not want to pressure you unduly." He assured her, and she felt suddenly foolish for fighting him.

"Well…what about this?" she asked. "What if I stay with you while I look for another place, and we'll just…see how it goes?"

"That is an excellent compromise," he nodded and rubbed his chin. "You are an excellent negotiator, Sakura."

"Oh, well, being on a team with Naruto and Sasuke for—" she stopped as there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Sai asked, taking in her sudden look of fear. "Is everything all right?"

"It's probably someone to fetch me to see Tsunade." Sakura flushed. "She told me that I couldn't go to get you when I asked. She's probably really angry. She might even demote me back to chuunin or dock my pay or something."

"I will go with you." He nodded sharply, and they went to answer the door together.

"Hokage-sama is waiting for you." The chuunin at the door told her, and she nodded miserably, following the young man back to the tower. Sai walked with her, and that did make her feel a little better. At one point, he reached over and held her hand in his, and when she looked up in surprise, he smiled at her.

Feeling a bit more confident that at least Sai would be there for her no matter what sort of punishment she received, she walked into the tower and up to the level where Tsunade's office was. The chuunin announced her, and she walked into the office, now clutching Sai's hand hard enough that it was likely hurting him, though he offered no complaint.

"So, you've returned." Tsunade was not bothering with the paperwork game this time. She was on edge already, and the Hokage knew that. "I see your mission went well, even if I _did_ tell you that I wanted you to stay here while I sent others to find him."

"I'm sorry, Tsunade-sama." She bowed slightly. She was ready to apologize gracefully, and had been considering her words since they left the apartment. "However, I felt that it was necessary for me to do this on my own. I did not mean to call your authority into question, but I needed to be able to find Sai for myself, to speak to him before we returned. It was very important to me, and while I know we should not let our feelings interfere with our personal lives as ninja, I was confident that I would be able to complete this mission properly, even though you had doubts about my stability."

"Sai, I didn't summon you." Tsunade frowned slightly, not responding yet to what Sakura had told her. "However, now that you're here, I did want to tell you that what you did was unacceptable. I understand what happened, and why you left, but whatever happens between the two of you behind closed doors should not interfere with Konoha's workings. You cost me more than one valuable ninja, as I was forced to send out a search party _twice_ trying to locate you. In the future, if you are banished by your lover, come to see me about it before running off on your own. I won't tolerate my jounin forces acting like a load of hormone-crazed teenagers. You're elite ninja, both of you, and I expect you to remember that in the future. I don't want to have random jounin going missing because of their interpersonal issues."

"I am very sorry, Tsunade-sama." Sai told her. "But if, in the future, Sakura and you were to give me two sets of opposing instructions, I would be forced to do as she says. You are the leader of the village, and I respect you, but Sakura matters to me much more, and I cannot lie and say that I will simply do as you say in all things if such a situation were to arise."

"Great," Tsunade actually chuckled, which amazed Sakura, who thought she would probably pummel Sai for his outright insubordination. "I thought as much. Sai, when you left Root, you had been a tool who never questioned orders. Some might say that you were a perfect ninja, living only for the mission. But I have found that when fighting for something they love, ninja are much stronger. I'm proud to see that you have grown to understand that. Sakura, I would be more annoyed with you, but to tell you the truth, I was expecting you to go after Sai on your own."

"What?" Sakura blurted out in surprise and coughed nervously. "I mean…I'm sorry, Tsunade-sama?"

"I wanted to be sure that you two were serious. I don't want you wasting time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. After all, you are my own little apprentice, and I find your time to be valuable. Almost as valuable as mine. I knew that if I told you not to go and you _did_, that this was something I could leave alone. Otherwise, I would likely have arranged it so you two saw very little of each other…you know, separate missions, that sort of thing. I was considering putting you in charge of your own team of genin, Sai, and that would have definitely limited the time you two could see each other. But seeing that you're serious enough to disobey me…I think I'll leave you two alone." Tsunade smiled wickedly, and Sakura struggled to hold down her temper. She could see now she wasn't going to be punished, but why couldn't Tsunade keep her nose out of Sakura's business? Was she just so bored with her own personal life that she had to meddle in others'?

"Interesting." Sai nodded slightly. "That seems overly intrusive, if I might say so, Tsunade-sama. It is not your choice what Sakura and I do. And in any case, it strikes me that you do not seem to have anyone that you are in love with, so it seems that you could not understand how we feel. However, you are very old, and therefore, it may be that you are drawing from experiences in your youth."

"You…you…" Tsunade stood up, her knuckles cracking as her fists clenched, her eyebrow twitching, and Sakura immediately went into alarm mode. She didn't want to watch Sai beaten to a bloody pulp.

"Sorry Tsunade-sama!" she put herself between Tsunade and Sai. "You know how he is sometimes! He didn't mean it! We'll just go now! Thanks for everything!" and she grabbed Sai's hand and fled before anything worse could happen. "You are an idiot." She muttered as they started down the stairs. "Do you want to die? You can't just say whatever you think of to her."

"Why not?" he asked. "It seems to me that what she did was overstepping the bounds of even her authority. It is not for her to choose who I am in love with, or you. And in any case, I feel that if I can survive your anger, I can certainly survive hers. You are at least as strong as her, you know."

"No way," Sakura had a hard time thinking that she could possibly be stronger than her legendary teacher. "And even if that was true, I love you. Didn't it ever strike you that maybe I'm holding back a little?"

"I did not think of that." Sai nodded thoughtfully as they reached the ground floor and left the tower. "Perhaps I shall exercise caution in the future."

"Yes, please do." She had to hold back the urge to laugh. "Although, I have to admit…that was really cool the way you just told her to butt out! If I hadn't been so afraid we were both about to die, I would have been really impressed."

"As I said, it is not something even the Hokage can control." Sai told her calmly. "I have studied love very diligently, and I have learned that it cannot be controlled by anyone."

"That's true." Sakura was suddenly struck by a nostalgic memory of when Sai had first begun studying love so that he could understand her better. Who would have ever thought it would lead to this?

"Sai!" Sakura recognized Naruto's voice at once, and was not at all surprised when she looked up to see the blonde racing toward them, with Sasuke following at a sedate pace, looking as though he could care less who was with Sakura. "Sakura! You found him! Great job! Was Tsunade mad? I know she was going to send a party out, and then you just went off without permission."

"She was attempting to ascertain the depth of Sakura's feelings." Sai answered helpfully. "However, when I accused her of meddling in affairs that have nothing to do with her, she did become a bit angry."

"Yeah, well, she's _always_ getting angry at me, don't sweat it." Naruto assured Sai.

"That's because you can't keep your big mouth shut." Sakura teased him and he chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head.

"Hello." Sasuke had finally caught up, and the fact that he was even _saying_ hello struck Sakura at once. He must actually be excited to see them both, despite his aloof appearance.

"So you have to tell us all about what you did while you were away!" Naruto insisted. "We should have a party!" Sasuke and Sakura both groaned at this at once. "What?"

"Please, Naruto, we just got back." Sakura explained. "I'd really like to have some time to work things out between us."

"We are living together." Sai elaborated. "But only if she does not find an apartment that she likes better than me."

"Um, that's not really…" Sakura started, but then simply shrugged. "So, I mean, maybe something a little more laid back?"

"Oh! We could all go to dinner!" Naruto turned on Sasuke, knowing that this would be the path of most resistance, and wanting to win over the biggest opponent of gatherings of people. "Not at the house, like at a restaurant. Nothing would get messy!"

"What's the catch?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Am I supposed to pay for this dinner?"

"Cheapskate. I'll pay for it if it bothers you. After all, now that I'm jounin, I make a lot more money, I can afford to treat us." Naruto puffed out his chest proudly. "What do you say, Sai?"

"I would like to see all my friends again." Sai nodded thoughtfully. "It has been a very long time."

"Okay, sounds fine, but one thing." Sakura interjected, her finger held up sharply. "Not at Ichiraku."

"Oh…well, that's okay!" Naruto brightened back up almost immediately, but Sakura was glad she'd said something. It was clear that was what he had been planning. "There's plenty of other places. I'll let you guys know!" He waved as Sasuke and him continued on their way to wherever they were going.

"I am excited." Sai told Sakura. "I have not seen my friends for a very long time. It will be very nostalgic for all of us to be together. You must tell me all that has happened while I was gone."

"Oh, oh yeah." Sakura realized she hadn't mentioned any of the happenings in Konoha since he left. There was a lot to talk about, and she realized that she was excited to be able to discuss these mundane things with Sai once more. She had missed him even worse than she thought, and she did not regret her decision to bring him back. She just wished she'd done it sooner.

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To be continued…


	32. Chapter 32

Study of the Heart

Chapter 32

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"And so now Ino and Shikamaru are married, and Kiba and Hinata are getting married…I think next month? I don't remember what the date was supposed to be, they got engaged a little while before I came for you." Sakura explained as they stood together washing dishes in the kitchen. "And I was away for a few months, so I suppose more could have happened, but I'm not really sure. I guess we'll find out when we see everyone, right?"

"Yes, that will be exciting. I have not seen my friends for a long time, and I am nostalgic for their company." He dried a plate with a thoughtful expression on his face and was surprised to suddenly feel wet, soapy hands on his chest. Sakura was behind him, hugging him, and from the slight shudder that pass through her shoulders, he could tell she was crying, and he stiffened with worry. "I am sorry. Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no, it isn't that." She sniffled slightly and rubbed her face on the back of his shirt to wipe away her tears. "I just…I can't help feeling like I did something horrible…I mean, I sent you away, made you give up everything, and it wasn't even really your fault! And you didn't fight me, you just…just went like I told you to, because I said…and it wasn't fair of me, and you don't even…"

"You are upset." Sai turned around, tilting her face up so that she was looking at him. "Stop being upset."

"I wish it were that easy." She made a noise like a choking sob, laughing through her tears. "But what I did was wrong, and you aren't even angry with me at all! I got angry and lost control, and you don't even blame me for it."

"Would it make you happy if I were to become angry with you?" Sai asked. "I am not angry, but if you like, I can act angry so you do not feel so bad."

"Idiot," she shuddered again, her tears subsiding. "I just don't see why you aren't angry. I mean, don't you fell like it was unfair?"

"Even if I did, would it make anything better if I were to become angry and punish you?" he asked. "I do not think that acting rashly would solve anything, and I noticed that what happened before only pushed us further apart. I want us to be closer together, not further apart, and therefore it would not be very sensible if I were to begrudge you the decision you made. And as you said, you were angry, not thinking clearly. I cannot blame you for something you did in that state."

"You are really a much better person than me, Sai." She sniffed once more and let him kiss her forehead lightly, bringing his hand up to wipe away her tears.

"I try to be the best I can for your sake, Sakura." He assured her solemnly. "So it means a lot to me that you would think I am good. That is what I always strive for. I think you are a very good person, too, though."

"You're very generous," she laughed bitterly. "I don't think I would forgive you so quickly if the situations were reversed, but you seem not to be upset at all that I sent you away, that I beat you silly before I did, that I didn't even appreciate that what happened wasn't something you chose or wanted to do."

"Well," Sai told her thoughtfully. "I do not think I would beat you silly. I do not like hitting you, even when we are training."

"You're not really making it better." Sakura laughed again, and Sai's eyes widened.

"But you are smiling," he pointed out. "I think this is definitely an improvement from crying. You are much more beautiful when you are smiling, I think."

"You're just trying to distract me from the dishes." She flushed at his compliment. "You want me to pay attention to you instead."

"I do not know what you mean." Sai blinked at her in something that was clearly meant to approximate innocence. "I just want to pay attention to _you_, and it seemed to me that you were in need of my attentions in that moment of doubt and emotion."

"You know…sometimes I think that if you wanted to, you could be serious trouble to girls." Sakura narrowed her eyes at him. "You are very smooth for someone who doesn't know what he's doing."

"I am just being nice to my beautiful girlfriend." He explained, still attempting to look innocent, and failing. "I do not understand all these accusations. Perhaps there is something you are thinking that I want from you, but I assure you, that is not at all the case. All I wish for is you to be happy."

"Yeah, okay." She leaned up and kissed him, and was not surprised to feel his arms tighten around her, forcing away her breath as he took full advantage of the kiss. Ever since they had moved in together, he seemed determined to show her that she would not regret giving him this second chance. He poured his emotions into ever kiss, and every gesture was gentle and loving. She had to admit, even though it had only been a week, it would be hard to let go of this. He had not been a bad boyfriend before, by any means, but now he was even more considerate and affectionate than he had been, and it was clear that he had learned many things in his travels, since he seemed more comfortable with her, and she was sure his friends would all notice a difference as well when they finally had their dinner that night.

"Come on, then, I don't want to come home to a mess and be too tired to clean up." She smiled softly at him after they broke, and he dropped another kiss on her forehead before nodding and turning back to rinse the dishes she had washed. "You know, this is kind of inefficient at times, but doing housework is a lot more fun when it's with you." She told him, scrubbing a pan industriously.

"I think everything is more enjoyable if you are there with me." He agreed with her, smiling brightly as he began drying dishes again and putting them away. She shook her head, blushing while trying not to smile at his comment, and failing miserably. She had meant to take this slowly, to have them start over again, but it seemed that they were swiftly moving back to where they had been over a year ago, and she had to admit that as impatient as Sai clearly was to regain that level in their relationship, and then surpass it, she had a hard time resisting the urge to just forget that anything bad had ever happened, to forget that for almost two years, they were apart.

After the dishes were done, she started on the laundry while he swept the floors. It was a very domestic scene, and it made her suddenly wish that they hadn't lost so much time. By now, they might have even been engaged as well, or married. She hoped they might someday reach that point, because she felt happy when she was with him, and she loved him, and was starting to really believe that he would continue to love her, no matter what. Certainly, she didn't want to think about losing him again, and the idea of them being together forever definitely appealed to her, even though she knew that it was far too soon to be considering such a drastic step. They were only "testing" the idea of living together now, and it seemed crazy to think of anything like marriage this soon. She couldn't just pick things up right where they left off, as badly as they both might want to. He had changed, and so had she, and it was hard to know if things would still work between them this time.

_I should stop worrying about how far behind we are. It isn't a race. We should just be able to take this at our own pace. For now, it should just be enough that we're both here, and we're in love, and we're willing to really work on this._

By the time everything was cleaned up, they didn't have any time to rest before they needed to get changed and go to dinner, and even then they found they were the last ones to arrive, amid loud, sordid speculation from Ino about what could have _possibly _kept them so long. Sakura stuck her tongue out as though they were still children and took a seat between Hinata and Sai, with Naruto seated on the other side of her lover.

"I'm so happy you two are both back!" Hinata never really was loud, but when she was excited, her voice could get rather high, so it still caught everyone's attention. "I want you both to come to our wedding."

"When is it again?" Sakura asked as Sai nodded and smiled. "Next month, right?"

"Yes, only three weeks from tomorrow." Ino, who was sitting between Shikamaru and Chouji, held out three fingers and waved them in a way that made Hinata giggle and blush, while her fiancé attempted to hide his own blush behind a gruff cough.

"Stop torturing them, Ino." Tenten, who was sitting between Lee and Shino, defended the embarrassed couple. "Anyway, don't _you_ have an announcement to make, after all?"

"Oh!" Ino stood up, making a big production of getting everyone's attention, while Shikamaru turned to Sasuke, shook his head slightly, and did a rather good job of trying to melt into the floor without actually moving. "So, I've told some of you already, but I wanted everyone to know now that I'm pregnant!"

"Wow, Ino, that's wonderful!" Hinata exclaimed and Sakura clasped her hands to her heart, not sure whether she was happy or jealous. Possibly a bit of both, but that was okay. She was almost positive she heard Sasuke telling Shikamaru he was sorry, but Naruto elbowed the Uchiha before he could cause any real trouble.

"Come on, Shikamaru, look a little more excited!" Kiba encouraged the other young man. "Man, back in academy, if you had told me that of all us, you'd be the first to have kids…and with Ino, I would've—"

"Said that sounds lovely." Hinata's hand on Kiba's arm cut him off immediately, and Sakura had to repress the urge to laugh at how easily she controlled Kiba.

"Aw, don't worry, he's excited, he's just embarrassed and everything." Chouji assured them, but he was quickly distracted by the arrival of the food.

"That's right, don't you want kids, Shikamaru?" Naruto asked with interest, and the shadow user nodded slightly, sighing heavily as though by agreeing with this statement, he was making a very great personal sacrifice of some sort.

"How are you two doing?" Sai asked Shino and Tenten, who looked a bit surprised. "You are dating, yes? Sakura gave me all of the news she knew."

"We're…fine, you know." Tenten flushed, speaking up as Shino clearly decided he wasn't one to be spokesman. "It's new still, we're trying to just take everything a day at a time. We're really nowhere near all these old couples. You know, Shikamaru and his wife, Kiba and his soon-to-be wife, Naruto and his wife."

"Hey!" Sasuke slammed his fist on the table as everyone else burst into laughter. Sakura suddenly felt much more at her ease. They were all of them in very different relationships, and they were all in different stages. There was nothing wrong with where Sai and she were, just as there was nothing wrong with any of the other couples here.

"Chouji, you and Lee need to hurry up and start dating _someone_, or you'll be the only ones alone." Kiba told them all, resulting in a sharp look from Hinata, which immediately subdued him.

"There's nothing wrong with enjoying a solitary youthful existence!" Lee exclaimed in his own defense, and Tenten started laughing.

"Don't let him fool you, he's seeing someone." She told everyone, who turned to Lee expectantly. "Go on, tell them!"

"I mustn't spread tales!" he protested, but after a bit of cajoling, he gave in. "It has only been a few dates. Her name is Hikaru, and she is a teacher at the academy."

"You mean _her_?" Shikamaru looked interested for once. "Wow, that's a surprise."

"What does that mean?" Lee asked, and he shrugged, lapsing back into an unresponsive state. "What is surprising?"

"_Nothing_ is. She's very beautiful, and Lee is a very good man. There's nothing wrong with that, _is_ there?" Tenten held up her chin like a proud parent challenging anyone to find fault with her child, and everyone held their tongues. "Now that just leaves Chouji. You know, I know a very nice—"

"Oh, leave him alone." Shikamaru intercepted Tenten's matchmaking attempts. "If he wants to settle down he will. At least _someone_ should get to keep his freedom." He grumbled, and Ino pinched his arm so that his face twisted in pain. Chouji was oblivious to all of this, as he dutifully packed away most of the food. Everyone else realized they should probably eat if they wanted a chance for anything, and for a while, all was silence. Sakura thought about all the people she knew, and the states of love they were in, from brand new, blissfully ignorant of any troubles, to long-held, comfortable, and familiar. She knew she was in the middle, and she was okay with that. She was on a path, and she could see where it went, and the destination made her as happy as her current state. As she watched Sai tell stories of his travels, she smiled at him, and then down at where his hand surrounded her own just below the table.

"So how is everything with you guys?" Naruto was the only one brave enough to ask the question that Sakura realized must be on everyone's minds, and only now after the atmosphere was so relaxed with everyone's full stomachs and happy contentment in each others' company.

"Everything's great." Sakura answered, and Sai gave her a surprised, but pleased smile, kissing her quickly on the cheek. "After everything, we're still in love, and that's what really matters at the end of the day, isn't it?"

"It is." Naruto nodded and smiled, and she realized that coming from him, it meant a lot. His relationship with Sasuke had been going on for years now, and she wondered how much trouble they had gone through in the beginning. Keeping things secret must have been difficult, and she already knew that Naruto had been afraid Sasuke would tire of him. She wondered if she would always defer to Naruto in knowledge of love, just as he would always have to ask her about anything that could be studied in books. He was smart in his own, unique way, a way that made you want to believe in him no matter what.

_I really hope he becomes Hokage. He'd be great._

She yawned, content and tired, and listened to the others talk as she slowly felt her weariness creeping up on her, until her head was leaning against Sai's shoulder and she almost fell asleep. Finally, they left, with many hugs and handshakes, and promises to visit soon, and Hinata spouting something about how she wanted them all at her wedding for sure.

She was only too happy to follow Sai home, and only her pride made her say no when he offered to carry her. It was wonderful to get home to their clean apartment, strip down, and climb into bed. Sai wasn't tired, and Sakura fell asleep as he kissed her all over, even the temptation of that not enough to overcome her fatigue.

She woke up curled in his arms, and knew that this was perfect. They were on the right road, of that, she was sure.

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To be continued…


	33. Chapter 33

Study of the Heart

Chapter 33

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"Hurry up or we'll be late!" Sakura knocked on their bedroom door impatiently, where Sai was still getting ready. "Do you need help or something?"

"Perhaps," the answer was muffled by the door between them. "I rarely have occasion to wear these, and I am not sure I have done it correctly." The door opened, and Sai was looking at her with an unsure expression on his face. "How does it look?"

Sakura felt her breath catch in her throat. Sai was wearing black dress robes, the silk contrasting beautifully with his skin, which was almost all covered, besides a triangle at his throat, as well as his wrists and hands extending beyond the long sleeves. It was amazing that he could look so sexy by covering _more_ of his skin, and distinctly unfair.

"You look…very good." She shifted the obi-like belt unnecessarily, just for an excuse to touch him, and leaned up for a kiss. He obliged happily, embracing her swiftly.

"You are very beautiful today, Sakura." He told her as they broke, his eyes drifting over the pale yellow dress. "I am happy to see you so radiant."

"Stop with the compliments or we really _will_ be late." She winked at him, kissed him on the cheek, and together they left, not having far to go to reach the place where Hinata and Kiba were getting married. The building was packed with Hyuugas and Inuzukas, not to mention all the other various friends that made it overwhelmingly attended. Sakura was suddenly grateful that Ino and Shikamaru both had relatively small families, making their wedding a bit more casual.

_We both have small families, as well. Well, at least I do, he really doesn't have any family besides all of us…_

The wedding was over soon, and she was able to relax during the reception, resting at a side table and enjoying the company of her friends. They both congratulated the newlyweds, of course, and then she sat with Naruto, Sasuke, Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji at a small table, watching the other guests and commenting.

"There's Lee!" Ino pointed to their friend, who was dancing with a very lovely young woman. "Whoa, is _that_ his girlfriend? Go Lee!" she waved at him and cheered, until he noticed enough to give her a thumbs up. Sakura giggled at this and shook her head, smiling more brightly as she felt Sai drop a kiss on her cheek.

"Look! Is that Temari and her brother?" Naruto pointed at a pair who were watching the dancing together and seemed to be holding a discussion of some sort. "Man, if they're here, you know Neji has to be—"

"Hello, everyone." Neji and Gaara appeared at their table as if summoned, and Naruto laughed nervously to cover up the shock of their sudden arrival.

"Neji, Gaara, sit down!" Ino gestured to a couple spare chairs, and the men joined them.

"Are you here for the wedding?" Sakura asked them, and Gaara nodded in sync with Neji, causing her to have to stifle her laughter. They were probably together all the time, and now they were starting to act alike. "That's great! You both look very nice."

"Yeah, that's an understatement." Ino fanned herself as she looked at both men, who were beginning to seem a bit uncomfortable. "Seriously, Gaara…you should wear those all the time, your enemies would just surrender because you're so damn hot."

"Ino, seriously." Shikamaru groaned slightly. "Don't make me get a leash."

"Oh, you look very nice, _too_, honey!" Ino assured him, pinching his cheek, much to his obvious displeasure.

"Sorry, guys." Naruto scratched his head and laughed. "You know how Ino can be."

"I think she thinks since she's pregnant she can get away with anything." Shikamaru grumbled, and Neji blinked at him in surprise. "Please don't congratulate me. I'm so sick of congratulations."

"Would one of you dance with me?" Ino looked like she was salivating, and Neji and Gaara looked at each other before standing up.

"We…have to go." Neji scowled slightly. "Have you seen Tenten anywhere, I meant to say hello to her as well."

"Over there!" Chouji pointed cheerfully at the dance floor where Tenten was moving with Shino. "For once they're not in some dark corner."

"Would you like to dance?" Sakura jumped slightly as she watched the two men leave, and when she turned, she saw Sai smiling at her. "You keep watching everyone dancing, so I thought you might like to as well."

"Sure," she flushed as he pulled her out to the floor. Behind her, she could hear Naruto complaining about how Ino had driven away their other friends, and she stifled a chuckle. She had to admit, compared to the last wedding, she was having an awful lot of fun. Sai had never danced before, but he caught on quickly, and she wouldn't really have minded if he was completely inept. Dancing with Sai was wonderful, it made her feel like the whole world was falling away, and when the song ended, he kissed her passionately, and she had to sit down again so she wouldn't faint. She was really having a wonderful time. They were headed back to the table, where she could hear Ino and Shikamaru bickering about something, when they were cut off by a pretty redhead Sakura had never seen before.

"Sai!" she acted as if she didn't even see Sakura, and lunged at him, hugging him like they were long lost lovers. "I missed you so much!" she pressed a kiss to his shocked face and giggled happily while Sakura felt a buzzing overtake her hearing, the world spinning around her until it went white, and everything else disappeared.

"Sakura!" Sai shoved away Atsuko so roughly the girl almost fell, and she felt tears prick her eyelids. She had seen him kiss this other girl, and she had wanted to show him where he belonged was with her. She had worked hard to finagle her way into the Kazekage's escort troupe, and it had all been for this moment. But instead of greeting her with his smile and perhaps even kissing her as well, or dancing with her, he was rushing to help that pink-haired girl. There were others running toward the fallen girl as well, but the only one he let near her was the Hokage. Sighing heavily, Atsuko left them to it. She would have to wait and get him alone, and then he would remember, then he would see that she had missed him, and he would love her the way she loved him. She knew it would be this way. It had to be.

"Back off, she's fine." Tsunade batted away a few of the people crowding around her as the pink-haired girl came around. "Just a little anemia. Sakura, eat something."

"S—sorry, Tsunade-sama." Sakura flushed brightly. In all the excitement, she hadn't grabbed any food yet or thought about eating, really. No wonder she felt so light-headed.

"I will get you some food at once!" Sai walked her back to their table as though she was something made of glass, where he was accosted by questions at once.

"What happened?" Hinata asked, looking concerned.

"Is she okay?" Naruto demanded, his face serious as though he was preparing for battle. He had rushed over earlier, but returned to the table when Tsunade shooed everyone away.

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry about it." She smiled at him, but her face was pale enough that most of her friends were not very reassured by this.

"She just needs a bit of food." Sai explained as he helped her to her seat, and found he didn't need to get Sakura anything, after all, since all her friends were contributing food that they had brought to the table. Even Chouji was willing to spare a bit, and Sakura flushed, feeling a first class idiot for doing something so foolish and drawing everyone's attention.

Then something struck her. "Sai," she spoke to him softly after she'd had her fill. "I think we need to talk about something."

"Okay, we can talk." Sai nodded eagerly, trying to push some more food on her plate, which she waved away.

"No, I'm good," she insisted. "I meant alone."

"Interesting." Sai's brow furrowed and he helped her up, still handling her very carefully, much to her annoyance, though she understood why, and she had to admit, it was a bit sweet. He stopped when they were out on a cool balcony, seeing that it was now well past sunset, and the stars were out. "We are now alone. When you say that we need to talk alone, was that literal, or were you attempting to insinuate that we might "find a dark corner," as it were, and do many inappropriate things?"

"Um." Sakura felt her cheeks suffuse with blood. Sai would always be Sai, she knew that, and she loved him, but sometimes… "No, I really need to talk to you. Now, tell me if I'm crazy and hallucinated before I passed out, or if some girl kissed you just after we danced?"

"Oh yes," Sai nodded thoughtfully. "In the confusion, I lost track of her, and I was more concerned with you, in any case. That was Atsuko."

"Who is Atsuko?" Sakura's tone was strained, the control wavering slightly, and Sai was about to answer, when he thought things through and realize that Sakura might very well lose her temper if he told her the truth so bluntly. This would require what he had learned was called "finesse."

"Ah, she is a person." He answered. "A person from the village of the Hidden Sand. She is likely here as part of Gaara's escort. She is no threat to you, so I think that it would be best if you put all thoughts of attacking and killing out of your mind, as it would likely cause international relation issues."

"She's…you mean," Sakura took a deep shuddering breath, her eyes lowered as she struggled to control herself. "Is she _that_ girl?"

"When you say "that" girl, I must say I don't exactly—"

"She's the one, isn't she?" Sakura snapped, not in the mood for Sai's slowness. "She's the one who did…who did those things with you, that time."

"Ah, well," Sai scratched the back of his head, not sure how to continue, so he racked his brain. "I did mention she is no threat to you, correct?"

"Just tell me if she's the one." Sakura's tone was flat and hard. "Tell me!"

"Oh, you mean _that_ girl." Sai smiled, hoping this would diffuse Sakura's anger somewhat. "If I tell you, will you promise not to kill her?"

"She is!" Sakura threw up her hands. "What is she doing here?"

"I must admit, I did not have a chance to ask, what with all the excitement you caused." Sai fidgeted slightly, and Sakura could see he was nervous, since Sai _never_ fidgeted. "I assume she's here escorting the Kazekage, as I said, which means she must be a jounin now. I seem to recall she was a chuunin when we last met, though she said she intended—"

"I don't want to know her life story!" Sakura snarled. "Why is this happening!? We were happy, we got over all those things from the past, and then, she just pops up out of nowhere! I told you once that I think I'm not allowed to be happy, Sai, and I think I must have been right! Every time things start to smooth out, every time my life looks great, looks wonderful and easy and happy, it's all taken away from me. She's here for you! She's come to steal you from me, and I just—"

"Sakura!" Sai grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, not enough to hurt her, just enough to stop her rant. "Do you see me? I am here now with you, not with her. Why would I throw away everything we have because of her? I never wanted to leave you, and I promised that I would not, and you do not seem to believe me at all! You say that you love me, but I know that something that is important in love is trust, and you have no trust for me at all. I do not know why Atsuko is here, and it could have nothing to do with me. It has been almost two years since that time. However, even if her goal is to "steal me from you," as you say, her mission will fail. Nothing she could offer would make me forsake you. I love you, and only you, and I want only to be with you. I want to live with you, and I want one day for that to be us, being married, and then you can be pregnant like Ino, but I would prefer it if you did not act like Ino, because she is a bit much to take at times. However, what I mean to say is that I have made many choices in my life, and I have many regrets, but the one that I will never regret is my choice to be with you, to put our friendship at risk by telling you my feelings. I am happier with you than I have ever been, and it does not matter who wants us to be apart, because they will find that our bond is stronger than anything else. Do you not agree?"

"I…Sai," Sakura felt tears pricking her eyelids, and she lunged into his arms, burrowing against him as he held her tight. "Sai, I'm sorry, I do love you, and I do t—trust you, but when I realized…I just got so scared. All those things you want, that's what I want for us, too, and seeing someone coming to threaten that just made me…"

"If it will make you feel better, I can speak to Atsuko, so she knows that any hopes she holds are futile." Sai offered. "I am sure she will understand."

"Okay," Sakura nodded. "Just don't let her get you alone. It isn't that I don't trust you, it's her that I don't trust."

"Of course." Sai accepted this request at once. "I will stay within your line of sight so that you do not have to worry she is attempting anything with me."

"And Sai?" Sakura tugged at his hand as he began to lead her toward the door that separated the balcony from the main building everyone was gathered in. He turned to her, a questioning look on his face. She went on her tiptoes and stumbled slightly, pushing him against the wall, her lips pressing against his, the kiss deep and passionate and full of everything she could give. Sai responded at once, making a soft noise as he clutched her to him, kissing her back as it went on. "I love you," she breathed as they broke apart, and he felt his heart racing.

"Sakura," he told her solemnly. "After I do this, perhaps we could go home? I want to be alone with you. Also, I would like for us to be naked."

Sakura was tempted to just leave then, but she knew she'd feel better once this girl was taken care of. "Yes, after." She sighed as he kissed her throat lightly, and then they went back in. She watched him cross the room, and her heartbeat began to return to normal as he found the girl from before. He could see her attempt to leap at him again, but Sai blocked her as if this were a sparring session, and Sakura giggled slightly. Only Sai would fend off girls like they were attackers. She could see they were talking, and though she didn't know what was being said, she felt she honestly did trust Sai. He loved her. He wanted to marry her and have children. This girl…she was nothing. Why had Sakura even worried?

When Sai came back, he looked a bit strained, and she knew it must have been a bit rough for him, but as he'd said, he would do anything for her. And she would do anything for him. She knew suddenly, as though it had already happened, that when they got home, she would have sex with him. She was ready, and she wanted to do it, and it seemed that now, when she had learned that everything she dreamed of was what he wanted as well…it seemed perfect.

_I love him, and he loves me. Nothing can be wrong with that._

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To be continued…


	34. Chapter 34

Study of the Heart

Chapter 34

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Sakura did not get to watch Sai sleep very often these days, simply because he often woke up before her. She felt sore and happy, dismissing the nagging doubt that she had only decided to have sex with Sai to lay claim to him, what with that Sand girl in town. She trusted him. She did. But it was still nice, knowing that they had done this, and that it hadn't been as terrifying as Sakura had thought, and even though there had been pain, it hadn't been horrible. There was a tinge of blood on the sheets, which had been something of a shock to Sai. She would have thought he'd read all about this sort of thing, but even if he had, she supposed that finding blood on you after sex was rather disconcerting.

Afterward, he had pulled her close, kissing her face and throat and alternating between asking if she felt okay, and telling her he loved her. This had only lasted a few minutes before he had fallen asleep, a thin sheen of sweat still on his chest. Sakura had stayed up, watching his tranquil face for an endless amount of time before she also fell asleep, only to wake as the first bit of light entered the room.

From here, comfortable and happy and assured, Sakura had the luxury of feeling sorry for Atsuko. She wondered what Sai had said to her, and hoped he hadn't been too harsh. It was difficult to have your heart broken, and if she was still after him after all the time that had passed, that was likely exactly how she felt. She was pretty, though, and probably very nice, if she had ever gotten so close to Sai in the first place. Sakura felt sure she would find someone else.

_I'm sorry I can't let you have him, but we must all know what it is to hurt so we can appreciate this._ She felt very pleased with that thought. It sounded wise and philosophical, but as she continued to watch Sai sleep, her thoughts wandered, as did her hands, and Sai soon woke up, smiling at her as his eyes blinked awake.

"How do you feel?" he asked, obviously still concerned, even though she'd told him she was fine about twenty times already at this point.

"I'm fine." She leaned in, kissing him. "I'm not the first girl to ever do that. I'm sure my body's built to handle it."

"Good," Sai sleepily moved his lips over her throat, and she tilted to give him access. "I enjoyed having sex with you."

Sakura couldn't help laughing out loud, but as her body shook with mirth, he pressed against it, and she realized that he was completely ready again, and she wondered how it would try her to do it again, so soon. The medic in her said she should give her body a chance to heal. The rest of her overruled that bit, saying that Sai was far too tempting, and besides, if she turned him down, he'd just worry, and she didn't want that.

It was a bit painful, but only at first. He was quickly figuring it all out from his previous knowledge of her body combined with his memory of the first time, and he could see what to do to make it feel good for her as well. His body shook as he moved slowly, and she knew he wanted to go faster, but was afraid to hurt her, and he lavished her face and throat with kisses as he murmured unintelligible things into her skin and hair.

When they were done, he collapsed on her, and though he was a bit heavy, it felt good to have that weight pressed down on her, the warmth surrounding her as her heartbeat slowed and steadied, and her breathing returned to normal. She felt hypersensitive, as though this had awakened her senses further than before. She was aware of the slightest shift of his body, and when he rolled off of her, clearly thinking he was crushing her, she felt cold and rolled against him, snuggling her body into his open arms.

"I love you." She breathed, and his hand began moving lazily through her hair.

"I love you as well." He told her, and he sounded half asleep. She wondered if he would pass out again, but after lying that way for a while, he seemed to get his second wind, lifting himself up, dropping a kiss on her head, and walking to the kitchen. Sakura groaned half-heartedly at the loss before getting up and following him, pulling the sheet around her like a sort of toga.

She was not very surprised to see him making breakfast, not a stitch of clothing on him, his manner making it clear that she could look at him all she wanted and he would not be concerned about it. She approached, and when he turned, she found that by opening her arms to embrace him, she exposed herself, since her hands were holding the sheet closed, but somehow it didn't seem embarrassing at all. She just wanted to feel his skin against hers.

"I'm making breakfast." He stated the obvious, kissing the top of her head as he held her with one arm and used the other to stir the eggs.

"I want to stay in bed all day." She didn't care that she sounded petulant. Suddenly, she was not really concerned with hiding things from Sai, or changing her appearance so that he would be more impressed, or think her a better person than she was. He knew her, despite any of that, and he loved her, and now…she felt closer to him than she had expected to after taking that step, and she realized that while it was scary to know someone had so much control of her feelings, it was wonderful, as well.

"Do you not have to work?" he asked her, his head tilting to one side in a decidedly Sai-like manner.

"I do…but not until this afternoon." She admitted, looking up at him pleadingly. "Come back to bed."

"If I do, I will find the sex too hard to resist, and I will likely hurt you. It would have been better if I did not force you to do it again this morning. You were bleeding last night." Sai pointed out, and she released him rather than forcing him to figure out how to hold her and dish out the breakfast all with only one free hand.

"I told you I'm fine." Sakura told him, and he leveled a doubtful look at her, so she rolled her eyes. "Okay, a little sore, but it's nothing! I want to be with you, I want for us to do that, I want us…well, like you said last night. That's what I want."

"You do?" Sai looked vaguely surprised, and handed her a plate while kissing her forehead. They took their food to the table, and Sakura was surprised to find she was ravenous. "Excellent. We should become married at once."

"Was that a proposal?" Sakura cocked her head and Sai blinked at her expectantly. Only knowing that he was serious kept her from laughing at him. "Sai, we've only been back together for six weeks."

"But we are having sex now, also." He pointed out. "You could become pregnant, and then our child would be a bastard."

"Sai…I don't think that's really a great reason to get married." Sakura shook her head at him. "Please, just trust me. Marriage is a big step, and we shouldn't do it until we're both sure that this is what we want."

"I am sure." Sai nodded sharply. "Why are you not sure? Do I need to assure you in some way?"

"Sai…it's just too fast." Sakura couldn't keep the smile off her face at his innocent blink. He had learned a lot, but he hadn't learned everything. "Trust me, okay? For now, let's just try this, okay? When everything's more stable…when we're both really ready, if you still want to get married, we can, okay?"

"All our other friends are becoming married." Sai would have sounded sullen if he could have pulled the emotion off convincingly. "What if it takes a long time and you dry up and cannot have children anymore?"

"I think I've got a few years left, thanks." Sakura sighed heavily and shook her head. They should have just stayed in bed. She focused on her breakfast for a while and finally looked up at him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Do you want more sex?" Sai asked her, curious and eager at the same time. "My penis is tired, but I am sure that if I try to—"

"No, not that." Sakura wanted to be angry at him, but she couldn't stop the laughter bubbling out of her. "Last night, what did you say to that girl?"

"Atsuko?" Sai blinked, clearly not expecting that question. "Ah, well, I told her that while I appreciated her intentions, I did not want any more of her blowjobs." Sakura choked on her coffee, and Sai smiled at her brightly. "That was a joke."

"Very funny." Sakura shook her head and returned to her breakfast, not expecting Sai to tell her what had happened.

"She told me that she was in love with me," Sai sounded much more solemn when he spoke up, and Sakura watched as he picked at his eggs. "I told her that I knew how that felt, but I was sorry to say that I am in love with another girl, and that I am happy with her. I told her that love is difficult, and I understand she was probably in pain, but that I had been taught that out in the world, there is always one other person meant for us, and that she would find that person, and see that what she felt for me was really nothing."

"Oh." Sakura was impressed. That was pretty well done.

"She then stomped on my foot and called me a bastard." Sai finished, and Sakura smiled at him softly. "But it was okay, my foot does not hurt anymore. I think the sex has healed it."

"Oh really?" Sakura couldn't help giggling. "Interesting. I've been doing medical ninjutsu for years and never heard that you could heal someone _that_ way."

"It is probably because we are in love." Sai told her, his brow furrowing scientifically. "Love is a very mysterious thing, after all."

"Are you ready to go back to bed?" she raised an eyebrow, and he cleared their plates like he was racing to complete the task. She giggled, not really worried that he might break the dishes, though that seemed a distinct possibility.

"I like this." Sai returned, brushing his fingers over the edge of the sheet. "It looks very good on you."

"Thanks." Sakura stood and embraced him, and after they kissed, she let out a yelp as he lifted her up and carried her back to the bed. "I could've walked!" she giggled as he removed the sheet and stared down at her as though trying to decide which part he should kiss first.

"I like to touch you." Sai told her, his hand on her breast as he kissed the curve of her throat. "And you aren't fat, it was not straining."

"Such a flatterer." Sakura giggled as his fingers tickled her side, and she let the contentedness sweep over her. This was where she belonged, with Sai.

She could see he felt the same, and it felt wonderful not to doubt. To just trust that he would be there tomorrow and the next day.

_He wants to marry me._

They stayed in the bed for hours, but they were both too tired to try and have sex again, so instead they just lay wrapped in each other, talking about their friends, their future, and anything else that came to their minds, no matter how mundane the topics were. The words were punctuated by kisses and caresses, and eventually, Sakura could tell from the angle of the light coming in the window that if she didn't get up, she'd be late for work.

She was loathe to leave him, but he kissed her and told her he'd have dinner ready when she came home, and she blushed and dressed and left him sluggishly climbing out of the nest of sheets they had formed, as free from embarrassment as ever about having every inch of his skin exposed.

She thought about him for her entire shift, and forgot where she was supposed to be going twice. One of the senior medics scowled at her and asked if she'd hit her head, but she couldn't find it in her to be angry. She kept glancing at the clock, counting down the hours and minutes, knowing that soon she would be able to return home, to Sai. She didn't care if dinner was ready or not, the sheer force of her need to be with him overwhelmed everything else.

It was terrifying to realize that she loved him now more than she ever had, and she wondered if it was because of the sex, or the fact that they had really seriously started discussing their future. Suddenly, she had this sense that they were not only together, but that they were both invested in this. Making love had been amazing, and she was sure it had brought them closer together, but she felt a deeper warmth when she thought about laying together in bed, just talking about anything and everything.

_I want that to be where I am tomorrow, and next year, and ten years from now._

She felt suddenly impetuous, and wondered as she filled out the last of her paperwork and headed for the entrance of the hospital why she needed time, why she insisted on waiting when she felt so sure right now. Would her mind really change? She wanted desperately to be with Sai forever, so what was the point in waiting?

"Hello." She nearly leapt out of her skin, she was so surprised to see Sai standing just outside the hospital, waiting for her with a genuine, warm smile on his face. "I wanted to see you."

"I know." She kissed him, and tried to stop thinking such profound things. It really was a big step, after all. She knew that, and if she didn't keep this relationship sensible, who would? They didn't _need_ to be married. After all, Neji and Gaara, Naruto and Sasuke, even Iruka and Kakashi would never be able to officially marry, since the law didn't allow it, and it didn't seem to her that it made their relationships more difficult. She realized that before she made any big decisions, maybe she should take a leaf out of Sai's book and talk to her friends, get a little advice, and then really think things through.

In the meantime, she wanted to get home and spend more time in bed with Sai. She could care less about dinner.

-----

To be continued…


	35. Chapter 35

Study of the Heart

Chapter 35

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"I'm really happy." Ino smiled, rubbing her stomach, which had swollen slightly to the point where it was clear that she was either mid-pregnancy or gaining weight in a very uniform and localized fashion. Her face was glowing, and she really did seem content and happy. "Oh, thanks!" she beamed at Shikamaru, who resignedly set a bowl of ramen in front of her that seemed to have at least six different things in it that most people would never want in their ramen, and that was just at first glance. Shikamaru pursed his lips slightly, but when he sat down next to her, he surreptitiously enveloped Ino's hand in his own. She used her free hand to shovel the weird meal into her mouth.

"Is that…are there orange slices in there?" Sakura could not help her face scrunching up in horror and disgust as she watched Ino feed her baby's cravings. "And…what is that weird…goopy stuff?"

"Peanut butter. There's a lot more than that in there, too." Shikamaru's voice was that of a man who had been driven beyond the edges of what he thought he could endure, and was vaguely amazed to find that he was still surviving, even with no end in sight. "You missed breakfast. She wanted scrambled eggs with raspberry jam, chicken strips, and fish eggs all in them, put on toast with a big splash of ranch dressing."

"Shikamaru makes me anything I ask for!" Ino flushed happily between mouthfuls, and Sakura tried not to gag. "It's great!"

"When…were you due again?" Sakura did not watch Ino eat, she didn't want to think about what was in that bowl.

"Three and a half more months." Shikamaru answered, while Ino, her mouth full of something that was no doubt horrendous, gesticulated in reply. "Sometimes I think it will never end."

"Shikamaru can't wait to be a father!" Ino giggled after she had swallowed, and she fished out what appeared to be a whole hard-boiled egg from her bowl, sucking it down with relish.

"Yes." Shikamaru sounded strained to the breaking point. "I can't wait."

"Oh." Sakura nodded, standing up. "Well…thanks, it was good to see you two. You've been very…um, helpful."

"Wait, didn't you have to ask us something?" Ino frowned, a noodle hanging out of her mouth. Sakura very badly wanted that to be a noodle.

"I think you answered it." Sakura had to leave or she might be sick. She fled the house, leaving her friends to their unique lunch. She had been sure that if anyone would make her _want_ to be married, it would be those two. They were still really newlyweds, they had been married less than a year, after all, so they were not as…comfortable as a couple like her own mother and father who seemed content, but also seemed to be kept together, more than anything, by a strange sort of inertia. But she wasn't sure she really envied them at the moment. If she would eat things like that when she was pregnant…Sakura pushed the thought away, because she still wasn't sure it wouldn't make her vomit.

She had waited a few weeks to start asking her friends about how they felt about marriage, and her first couple had made her doubt that it was really something she wanted.

But then again…the way that Shikamaru was looking out for Ino, and giving her anything she wanted, though he so clearly found her appetite to be as disturbing as Sakura did. To be able to depend on someone like that to always do anything for you…Shikamaru would never be a romantic guy, Sakura was sure, but what he was doing now seemed very thoughtful and sweet. If marriage meant that you could always depend on each other, and on the power of your love seeing you through any trial…that could only be good, right?

She was near to his house anyway, and she was already thinking about it, so Sakura soon found herself at Kakashi-sensei's door. She knocked, wondering if he would be there, or if he was over at Iruka's place, but just as she was about to turn, the door opened, and her masked teacher appeared, looking like he had only woken up a few moments ago, except for the fact that he was fully dressed.

"Sakura?" he sounded a bit surprised, and she realized with a small modicum of guilt that she had not been to his apartment in ages, and had not even spoken to her old teacher in months.

"Hello, Kakashi-sensei. May I come in?" she asked him, and he blinked at her before shrugging, clearly past the point of surprise or confusion, and letting her in. She had forgotten how very unlived-in his apartment felt. There were no clothes on the floor, no dishes out of place. Barely any decorations. She realized now that this was because he was almost always at Iruka's, and that this apartment was really only for appearances, and for him to store his things. "Can I ask you something?"

"I always have time for my cute students, as long as they aren't going to waste my time with temper tantrums." Kakashi was smiling, and Sakura pursed her lips, fighting back embarrassment as she remembered how she had attacked him and gotten him in trouble with Iruka so long ago.

"If that was true, you wouldn't have spent so much time with Sasuke." She teased, and Kakashi laughed, sounding vaguely surprised at her quick, sharp retort.

"What can I help you with?" Kakashi gestured to the couch, and she took a seat. He had always been a bit more polite with her than he had with Naruto and Sasuke, and though she felt close to him, there was a certain distance there, and she wondered if he would be frank with her, even now.

"How long have Iruka-sensei and you been together?" she asked, and she could tell, though he hid it well, that he was not expecting that question, and was sitting down slowly to cover his surprise.

"Oh, a while now." He shrugged as though he couldn't be troubled to keep track of these things, and she frowned slightly.

"How many years?" she insisted, and he sighed slightly.

"Five years." He answered, seeming a bit out of place without his book there to look at so that he could distance himself from the conversation. Sakura blinked. They had been together that long? They had never given her a hint, and she might have never known, but for Sai telling her.

"If you could," Sakura went on, regaining her train of thought. "Would you marry him?"

"To be honest, I'd be happy to just live in the same place as him." He smiled, as though this was a joke, but Sakura thought it was almost the saddest thing she'd ever heard.

"Kakashi-sensei," her brow furrowed. She didn't like seeing people she cared about in pain. "Have you told him how important it is to you?"

"Sakura, you came to ask me for something, didn't you?" he sounded weary, and sad, and she wanted to hug him, but she couldn't think of how to do it without the scene being awkward. "Let's forget my troubles. I'm guessing this has something to do with Sai, am I right?"

"Yes, but—"

"Well, if you're asking me if I think you should marry him, then I'd tell you no." Kakashi told her with a finality that surprised her. "If you have to ask other people about it, then you aren't really ready."

"Oh." She supposed that made sense in its own way. "But…how will I know when I am ready?"

"You'll just know." Kakashi shrugged slightly. "You're smart, but you think about things more than you need to. If he asks you something like that, don't analyze all the choices like you're on a mission, just answer what you first think of, and then you'll know. Don't ask me, though. I can't get my own life to work, so my advice can't be great."

"No, what you say makes a lot of sense." She smiled and stood, and he rose to show her to the door. "Thanks for everything, Kakashi-sensei."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." He yawned, as though bored with their meeting, and she smiled, turning and beaming at him.

"Tell him how you feel, sensei." She told him. "Love doesn't always have to be a sacrifice, you know." She left him speechless, feeling pleased with herself, but also feeling like she was done with advice for the day and wanted only to go home to Sai.

----------

When Sakura opened the apartment door, she wanted nothing more than to curl up with Sai, relax, and try to calm down the flurry of thoughts that were troubling her just then. However, they appeared to have a houseguest.

"Hi Sakura!" Naruto came out of the kitchen, and she could just see Sai behind him. The blonde was wearing her own apron, which was rather frilly for a boy, and she had to bite back laughter at the sight. "I'm teaching Sai how to cook!"

"He is not teaching me how to cook." Sai responded with a twinge of indignant pride. "He is teaching me how to make a cake."

"Cake, that sounds good." Sakura smiled wearily at both men. "What's the occasion?"

"Uh, Sakura." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, remember your birthday? It's tomorrow."

"Oh!" Sakura flushed brilliantly, feeling completely foolish at having forgotten something so obvious. "I can't believe I didn't think…wait, was I supposed to be surprised?" Sai shrugged, and she entered the kitchen, smiling when she reached up to brush a smudge of flour off his cheek.

"No, no surprise. Now I realize that I could have surprised you, since you seem to be surprised by the date of your birthday, but I was not expecting that." Sai told her, dropping a kiss on her forehead, and she flushed with pleasure. "I am glad that you like cake, though. Naruto assured me that nothing is better than a cake on one's birthday."

"Sorry to invade!" Naruto laughed sheepishly, and Sakura suddenly realized how private the moment must have appeared to embarrass him like that. "I tried to convince Sasuke we could do this at our place…but yeah, he doesn't want us making a cake over there. Jealous, I think. He doesn't like when I cook with other men, and he especially hates sharing sweets." Sakura couldn't help herself bursting into laughter at that, and Sai smiled brightly, turning back to the oven.

"Well, it smells great, you two." Sakura beamed, feeling more refreshed than she had thought possible from Naruto's visit already. "Do we have to wait until tomorrow to sample it?"

"Sakura, of course!" Naruto managed to look mortally offended. "It's your _birthday_ cake, you can't just eat it before your birthday. Oh! We should have a party!"

"No!" Both Sai and Sakura opposed the idea at once and Naruto looked a bit surprised.

"I mean, I'd rather it be low key." Sakura smiled, trying to seem less terrifying to the blonde. He shrugged and shook his head.

"I don't understand you two." Naruto grumbled slightly. "Everyone likes parties. Except Sasuke, I guess."

"And Neji, he hates them." Sakura pointed out. "Mostly because he always ends up carrying a passed out Lee home."

"Gaara always hides when he is invited to parties, so I would guess that he does not care for them very much either." Sai speculated.

"I liked them a bit more before I had to practically carry him home from one." Sakura shrugged apologetically, jerking a thumb at Sai, who tilted his head slightly.

"I am sorry, I did not mean to ruin the fun of parties for you." Sai told her.

"I'd rather just be alone with you anyway, don't worry about it." Sakura smiled shyly at him, as if they were a new couple, not at all like they'd been intimate for months, and if you counted the interlude, years.

"You guys are sweet!" Naruto told them happily. "When are you getting married?"

"Ah, I asked Sakura already, but she said it is too soon, even if she has to risk bastard children since we keep having sex together, which I warned her could have consequences. I've read all about it, you see." Sai explained. Sakura felt her face flame, and even Naruto seemed embarrassed by Sai's forthright nature.

"Oh…yeah, that can…um." Naruto was clearly struggling to ignore his discomfort and make light of the situation, but he was having a hard time. "Yeah."

"It is a good thing that Sasuke and you are both men." Sai told Naruto stolidly. "With all the sex you have been having, you would have been pregnant for sure by now, otherwise."

"Sai!" Sakura threw up her hands, not even knowing what to say to that.

"Well, statistically speaking, if you are having intercourse at least once or twice a week, and you are together for as long as they have been, is what I mean. If one of them was a woman, you would expect them to have two or three children by now." Sai explained. Naruto looked like his face was about to catch fire, and Sakura thought quickly.

"Does the cake have much longer?" she changed the subject swiftly, and they both blinked at her. "I mean, I'd like to catch up with Naruto, if I could. If you don't mind, Sai." She smiled brilliantly at him, and the pale man shook his head, looking a bit dumbfounded, for once.

"That…that'd be great!" Naruto grabbed Sakura's hand and tossed his apron aside. "Let's go for a walk! Some fresh air…just the thing!"

"I will watch the cake, then, shall I?" Sai volunteered, but there was no answer as his two teammates hurriedly left.

"Sorry about that." Sakura apologized, and Naruto shook his head, shrugging slightly as though it didn't matter at all to him. "You know how Sai can be."

"You don't have to apologize for him, he didn't mean anything by it." Naruto sighed heavily. "The truth is…sometimes I wish I could do that for him. Give him a child, I mean. I know he says he doesn't care about his clan, but when we first joined Team Seven, he said he had two dreams. I'll never forget that, and even if he says…I don't want him to give up his dreams for my sake." His voice cracked slightly and Sakura looked over at him in alarm. Of all her friends, she had thought that Naruto and Sasuke were in the most secure relationship she knew. She had never seen them have any sort of serious fight in the time she had known of their relationship, and they both seemed so content and happy with each other, and to make Sasuke seem happy meant a lot. She had never thought that there might be insecurities still between them, even though Naruto had told her of his old doubts and concerns.

"Well…you risked your dream for him." Sakura offered, recovering herself. "If it really came down to a choice between being Hokage and being with him, what would you choose?"

"That's different." Naruto flushed deeply. "It isn't like it would ever come down to that decision, and even if it did, obviously I'd pick him. What kind of Hokage would just throw away their relationship for power? I wouldn't deserve to have the position if I'd really choose being Hokage over him."

"Naruto…" Sakura sighed and stopped, sitting down on a bench they had reached and indicating that he should join her. "You devalue yourself too much. I don't think you see how lucky Sasuke is to have you. I know you think you're the lucky one, but think of it from his point of view. He pushed you away, he was a total ass to you, and after everything, after he almost killed you, after he told you that he didn't care about you at all, and he tried so hard to burn every bridge between you…after all that, he came back, and you forgave him everything, and you trusted him with _this_," she reached forward, rapping her knuckles softly against his chest. "That's a lot more than just giving him a second chance as your friend. You gave him everything, and you had no way of knowing he wouldn't turn away from you again, and in the end, it worked out. That's what's so amazing about you two. You made me see what love really was like, and if I hadn't…I might have never taken a chance with Sai, much less a second chance."

"You make it sound like…" Naruto flushed, shaking his head. "Thanks, Sakura…I know you're right, it's just hard to let someone you love give up on something they want for your sake. But…yeah, I do trust him, and I should trust him in this, too." He sighed and leaned back, staring up at the skies, and they lapsed into a comfortable silence before he spoke again. "So, did he really ask you to marry him?"

"Yes." Sakura flushed slightly, not really knowing how to feel or what to say in this instance. "But…I mean, I wonder if it's too soon. What do you think? I mean, Sasuke and you aren't married, and unless things change, you won't really…I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay." Naruto smiled at her, but she could see it bothered him a little bit, at least. "I knew what I was getting in to. Part of me always wanted to get married and have a family, but things turn out how they turn out, you know? He is my family, and I don't _need_ to be married to him to know that. Neither do you. Marriage isn't about needing, it's about wanting. Do you want to marry him?"

"Yeah," Sakura felt her heartbeat speed up at the admission. "I do."

"Well, then why wait?" Naruto asked. "Do you think you'll change your mind?"

"No…no I won't." Sakura took a deep breath. "You're right, Naruto. I should just do it, if I want to, and he wants to! What's holding me back, except worrying what other people might think?"

"And it's none of their business, anyway!" Naruto told her, punching the air with his fist and jumping to his feet. "You can do what you want! It's your life, and if you guys want to get married, you should be able to do it today if you like!"

"Well…I'll probably have a wedding." She flushed slightly. "It would be nice to go to one I'm enjoying."

"Yeah, Sasuke hates weddings…actually, he pretty much seems to hate everything involving other people…" Naruto considered, and Sakura laughed, standing to join him as they walked back to her house. She had made everything much harder than it needed to be. Why couldn't she have just looked on the situation with clear eyes from the start? Once again, she felt grateful to Naruto.

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Epilogue

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Sakura stretched and smiled sleepily as she felt Sai pull her closer as they both put off the inevitability of getting out of bed. "Happy birthday," he whispered groggily as he kissed the top of her head and squeezed her just as she nuzzled closer to him.

"Mm, another year." She kissed his bare throat sleepily. "Still love me?"

"Always." He assured her, his hand sliding through her hair as she continued to plant lazy kisses on his throat and chest. "Every wrinkle makes you more beautiful, every gray hair makes you wiser."

"Shut up, I don't have any," she halfheartedly shoved at him. "What do you want to do today?"

"It is your birthday, we should do what you like." He told her, kissing her forehead as she looked up at him.

"I want to stay in bed all day." She smiled and kissed his chin, and he took his time to capture her mouth in a long, slow kiss. No matter how often they did this, no matter how long they were together, she never tired of him, it seemed. She never regretted her decisions.

"We cannot stay in bed all day, you know this." He told her, but before he could elaborate, three children burst into the room with no warning, causing Sakura to gasp and cover herself with a sheet.

"How many times do I have to tell you to knock!" she berated the three children. The eldest, Tadashi, who looked exactly like an eight-year-old Sai, was balancing a tray carefully, having almost dropped it during their sneak attack entry.

"Ninja don't knock, they attack." He explained. "This is good practice. If we can surprise two jounin, we will be very powerful ninja."

"This is true." Sai nodded, smiling as he cast about for his wife's robe, and pulled a pair of pants on to cover himself. "Sakura, our children are very stealthy, are they not?"

"Mommy, don't be mad!" the youngest, Umeko, a five-year-old girl who also looked almost entirely like Sai, except for her green eyes, climbed onto the bed and tearfully held out her arms to demand a hug. Sakura could not resist her children, and she complied. "Ta-chan said we should, and I said you'd be angry if we didn't knock, but he said we should anyway."

"I'm not mad, it's alright." Sakura smiled so her children wouldn't be afraid, and they all climbed up on the bed. The middle child, Haruka, was seven, and was the only one that really resembled her mother, but her paper white complexion was clearly from her father.

"We made you breakfast in bed," she indicated the tray as she helped Tadashi heft it up onto the bed. A glass of juice still came close to falling over, but Sai reached over and caught it deftly, smiling warmly at his children.

"Mommy, are you really a hundred years old?" Umeko asked, and Sakura couldn't help laughing as everyone started helping themselves to the simple breakfast fare.

"Almost." She giggled. "Who told you that?"

"Ta-chan." Umeko answered, and Tadashi laughed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

"I was just joking." He explained.

"You know, daddy's even older than I am." Sakura smiled at her children's varied reactions and she relaxed, enjoying this time with them. She had been with Sai so long now. They had been married almost ten years, and he seemed to be the one thing that would always be there. The children had brought their family even closer, and Sakura felt like it was worth doing all over again just for their sakes. But Sai…in Sai, she had truly found someone who would love her unconditionally, to the end of her days. She felt the same way about him, and she couldn't feel better about everything they'd gone through, even with the suffering and uncertainty, because in the end, it had ended perfectly. She couldn't imagine being happier than she was now.

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The End!


End file.
